Bionic Woman: The List

Bionic Woman is one of those shows I wouldn’t be watching if it weren’t for you, the voters. Will I thank you for the new experience, or track you all down for individual eyeball punches? I assume the later, but I’d like to be wrong.

This show, from what I gather, revolves around a woman who is bionic. I’d wager a guess that this bionic college student would rather be dancing at Coyote Ugly. I’m two minutes in, and think Bionic Girl would be a better title.

Keep in mind, I have no background in to these characters or plot. I don’t know why Albert Rosenthal is talking to the, assumedly, bionic girl.

Let’s explore the word “bionic,” shall we? It is the application of methods found in nature to technology. Maybe a little nanotechnology photosynthesis. That sounds like a terrible show.

Young college student gets taken into a super secret government agency? It’s nice that Alias is still on the air. Snap for me!

You may think I watch a lot of Alias. That would be a false assumption your part.

BJ, short for Bionic Girl(I know, I know), is in Paris working with the dreaded CIA to get something done. What did she find there? Terrible dialogue! And it isn’t the fault of the language barrier.

How do you find someone who might have changed their looks? Get yourselves a BJ! She’ll look into their eyes, which they apparently can’t change, and identify them. Oh, her name is Jamie. That BJ is less of a hilarious stretch now.

Back at college, BJ’s friend are something something nobody cares Gilmore Girls style relationship nonsense. I’m sorry, I trailed off a little there. Must be this waterboarding. I mean, television.

Hey, a laptop plastered with Ween stickers. This show must be secretly hip!

The eye recognition software only works if the person looks you directly in the eyes. Which is impossible with a BJ. I mean. Anyway. Um. This technology seems a bit limited. Also, it doesn’t help if it works as you’re walking into the trap.

BJ and partner are awkwardly falling in love while her college friends are…OMG! Did I doze off? What time is it? I need to get to work!

Spies probably argue a lot when they are outside a room where they’re trying to bust someone. It would be more acceptable if, you know, the dialogue were engaging.

I’m glad I can fast forward through commercials. That way I can skip the cast of Chuck telling me how to be green.

Will any of us be better off after watching this episode? Will flowers smell sweeter tomorrow? Will the sun shine brighter? Will we even tell our coworkers about it?

BJ is going back in to get her boyfriendish spy friend and this “list” with 8 million dollars. Which isn’t as much as it seems these days. Now Canadian dollars would be nice.

Remember BJ’s college friends? I guess she lives with her sister. Who is also in college? Oh no, I’m bored again. Please get back to this lame spy business so we can go home and see our kids.

Oh holy crap. Enough with the talking please! It is really hurting me a lot. The writers must have already been on strike when this was written. I know, that is impossible. But it makes my point.

Shejumpedreallyhighcanyoubelieveithowamazaing!

And that, my friends, is the BJ show. Oh, hold on. The words they are speaking is making my vomit in my pants. That can’t even happen! How did you do that, terrible television show? You owe me for my dry cleaning bill!

Voting for 11/14/07

What should Aric watch on Wednesday? - 11/14/07

  • Pushing Daisies (21%)
  • Gossip Girl (16%)
  • America's Next Top Model (16%)
  • Wired Science (11%)
  • Kid Nation (11%)
  • Private Practice (5%)
  • Kitchen Nightmares (5%)
  • Phenomenon (5%)
  • Bionic Woman (5%)
  • Back to You (5%)

Total Votes: 19

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House: Whatever It Takes

I enjoy House in the same way I like Cheerios. I know what I’m going to get, and I enjoy it. Sure, you can mix it up with the taste of nuts and honey. But it is still Cheerios. And that isn’t bad.

Biff Tannen is the pit chief or whatever you call them for a drag racer with issues. Is anyone home, McFly? It’s heatstroke! Of course, it is infinitely more complex.

This season, Dr. House is trying to hire a new crew. He is testing a whole classroom out. But that doesn’t matter nearly as much as what is wrong with the drag racer. No matter what crazy plot goes on between the classroom, you can still focus on the patient with the problem.

Coach Ben Fredricks is seriously worried about his daughter, but never you mind that. House is helping the CIA for some reason. Unmarked helicopters and everything. They are trying to figure out why a 180 pound man now looks like a zombie. They figure an assassination attempt. Zombies are, technically, the undead.

Back to the spawn of Tom Wilson, she can’t feel her legs. That will make driving cars more than a little difficult. I would set up a Rube Goldberg machine to drive the car. Lighting a candle would burn a string the brings a chestnut down in front of a squirrel in a wheel that turns on a light bulb which attracts and kills 10 ounces of bugs that sets off a scale which then turns the car right. Stepping on the gas is something way more complicated.

The race car driver has polio. There hasn’t been a case in the US for 20 years. And now there has been. Well, a fictional one. But that’s as good as real, right?

Both sets of doctors are trying experimental treatments. I imagine one will fail and the other will succeed. Actually, I’ll change that to both failing. High doses of vitamin C curing polio?

Looks like I was wrong. I still maintain that high doses of vitamin C is good for nothing. I’ll stick to my water that vibrates at healing frequencies, thank you very much.

Haha. I was right! She didn’t have polio. She was poisoned by the guy who wants to cure polio in undeveloped countries. He faked polio in her. Vitamin C, pfah. This vibrating water is so good.

Also, CIA doctor wants to join House’s team. There is a little more plot for you next episode.

Voting for 11/13/07

What should Aric watch on Tuesday? - 11/13/07

  • Beauty and the Geek (25%)
  • Cavemen (25%)
  • House (19%)
  • The Unit (13%)
  • Bones (6%)
  • Reaper (6%)
  • Nova (6%)
  • Dancing With the Stars (0%)
  • Carpoolers (0%)
  • The Biggest Loser (0%)

Total Votes: 16

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Voting for 11/12/07

What should Aric watch on Monday? - 11/12/07

  • Chuck (43%)
  • Heroes (14%)
  • Prison Break (14%)
  • Samantha Who? (7%)
  • The Big Bang Theory (7%)
  • How I Met Your Mother (7%)
  • Antiques Roadshow (7%)
  • Rules of Engagement (0%)
  • Two and a Half Men (0%)
  • Dancing With the Stars (1%)

Total Votes: 14

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Heroes: Out of Time

When setting my DVR to tape Heroes, I accidently typed Herpes. My DVR did not tape Herpes.

This episode is called Out of Time. From the recap, it appears that our heroes need to save New York again. Did I forget to mention that I gave up on Heroes at the end of season one? Well, I did.

Aside from Hiro, I’ve forgotten everyone’s name. Maybe that isn’t entirely true. I remember some more names, but I forgot how to spell them. So I will describe the characters with bitter descriptions.

Doctor Voice Over is working for “the company” along with the terrible actress. Hiro is stuck back in time with Sting hating on him. The cheerleader is in some sort of trouble. Again. And the boring brothers are still alive.

Oh my goodness, I’m boring myself. Recap, consider yourself ended. Let’s move forward.

Someone is trying to kill someone.

Okay, maybe this moving forward isn’t working.

Jack Lemmon is coming to kill someone with glasses and a whiney voice. Morrie, not actually Jack Lemmon, is that cop’s father. You know, the cop with the self confidence issues?

Hold on, we got a little pube bone going on. Groin cleavage? Those lines pointing down to a man’s pee-pee area. You can thank my wife for the terminology.

So Hiro is in the past, Peter is in the future, and everyone else is stuck in the present. The horrible horrible present.

In the future, where Peter’s pube cleavage reigns, a virus has killed 98% of the population.

Hey, I have an idea. How about we get some more characters up in here? There are not enough plot lines going on. Please muddy the waters a bit more. If you can’t settle on a solid plotline, keep throwing them on the pile. Some of your spaghetti is sure to stick to the wall.

Peter has amnesia. That sounds nice right about now. One order, please. Heavy on the blunt trauma to the skull.

Claire, I remembered another name, is falling for a boy. They are kissing and listening to tunes on her sweet Samsung phone. Go out and buy it now, boys and girls, and you could be kissing things too.

Morrie is trying to kill Bob. Simple names! I like it. She also made the bad actress see her dead husband or baby daddy or whatever. Now she is set to kill Bob.

Hiro and Sting are fighting with swords. Sting is singing that terrible Grammy winning song. Okay, he isn’t. And he isn’t Sting. Then a tent exploded.

Morrie and his bumbling cop son Matt are having a fight in Morrie’s mind. It isn’t nearly as interesting as Psychonauts. You should play Psychonauts. It is brilliant, unlike a certain show I may or may not be watching right now.

Apologies if these thoughts have been a bit scattered. I’ve spent most of the evening wrestling with virus protection and system critical errors on my computer. And then I had to watch terrible television.

Peter has gone into the past, Hiro has gone into the future. I think they’ll both be in the present now.

Ali infected herself with a virus that will destroy mankind and hopefully her career. Now that Doctor needs to betray Claire for another plot twist.

Now Sting and Peter are getting together for who knows what reasons.

This episode of Heroes was a pile of plotlines puked out onto a Tilt-a-Whirl spinning around at high speeds.

For lack of better words, this show sure blows now.

Make Me Watch TV is Back Tonight!

After what has seemed like ages, Make Me Watch TV returns to the throne of cynicism tonight. Currently, Heroes and Chuck are tied in the polls. Make your voice heard and make sure to vote RIGHT HERE for tonight’s viewing. I dislike both shows in the lead, so you can’t really go wrong.

Voting for 11/11/07

What DVD should Aric watch on Sunday? - 11/11/07

  • Alias (43%)
  • Veronica Mars (29%)
  • Everwood (28%)

Total Votes: 14

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Voting for 11/10/07

What DVD should Aric watch on Saturday? - 11/10/07

  • Alias (54%)
  • Everwood (38%)
  • Veronica Mars (8%)

Total Votes: 13

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Voting for 11/09/07

What should Aric watch on Friday? - 11/09/07

  • Friday Night Lights (29%)
  • Moonlight (13%)
  • Don't Forget the Lyrics! (13%)
  • Women's Murder Club (13%)
  • Deal or No Deal (8%)
  • Almanac (8%)
  • Men in Trees (8%)
  • Next Great American Band (4%)
  • Friday Night SmackDown! (4%)
  • Ghost Whisperer (0%)

Total Votes: 24

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Voting for 11/08/2007

What should Aric watch on Thursday? - 11/08/07

  • The Office (23%)
  • This Old House Hour (15%)
  • Supernatural (12%)
  • Grey's Anatomy (12%)
  • Survivor: China (12%)
  • Ugly Betty (8%)
  • Scrubs (8%)
  • Smallville (4%)
  • Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader? (4%)
  • 30 Rock (2%)

Total Votes: 26

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The Polls Are Open

Make Me Watch TV has returned, and you are now able to vote on the terrible TV shows I am forced to watch.

You can find all of the polls RIGHT HERE on the voting page.

Polls will up for a week before the night of TV, so check back every day to vote your little hearts out.

Voting for 11/07/07

What should Aric watch on Wednesday? - 11/07/07

  • Bionic Woman (33%)
  • Kid Nation (15%)
  • Phenomenon (15%)
  • Gossip Girl (11%)
  • Wired Science (7%)
  • America's Next Top Model (7%)
  • Kitchen Nightmares (4%)
  • Criminal Minds (4%)
  • Decision House (4%)
  • Til Death (0%)

Total Votes: 27

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Voting for 11/06/07

What should Aric watch on Tuesday? - 11/06/07

  • House (34%)
  • Cavemen (20%)
  • Singing Bee (11%)
  • Reaper (11%)
  • Beauty and the Geek (9%)
  • Nova (6%)
  • Bones (6%)
  • Dancing with the Stars (3%)
  • Carpoolers (0%)
  • Biggest Loser (0%)

Total Votes: 35

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Voting for 11/05/07

What should Aric watch on Monday? - 11/05/07

  • Heroes (21%)
  • Chuck (18%)
  • Samantha Who? (13%)
  • Prison Break (11%)
  • The Big Bang Theory (8%)
  • How I Met Your Mother (8%)
  • Antiques Roadshow (5%)
  • Two and a Half Men (5%)
  • Girlfriends (5%)
  • Dancing with the Stars (3%)
  • Aliens in America (3%)
  • The Bachelor (0%)

Total Votes: 38

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Make Me Watch TV returns November 5th

Welcome Back

Welcome BackThe oddity that is Make Me Watch TV will return on November 5th with more deep complaints about the state of television.

Voting for your favorite or least favorite show will be up shortly.

In addition to weekday TV watching, weekends will be reserved for TV shows on DVD. 7 days of Make Me Watch TV? Is that even legal?

So take your pets and children into the basement, because a destructive tornado of new content is coming. And those are the worst kind of tornadoes ever!

If Make Me Watch TV Came Back: The Vote

Would it matter to you if Make Me Watch TV was not done live?

  • No (70%)
  • Yes (30%)

Total Votes: 64

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What do I mean by “live?” Well, in the first year of Make Me Watch TV, I watched the shows and commented as they were broadcast.

It would be grand if I didn’t have to watch the shows as they happened. Taping them and commenting on them when I can leaves me more time for projects such as Mustache Rangers and Least Dangerous Game.

I’d still shoot from the hip with my commentary as the tape plays. It would simply no longer be during prime time.

So vote what you feel. We’ll see how things turn out.

TV Online and the Pussycat Dolls

While I’ve been trying to figure out what to do with this site, it seems that most people are coming here looking for two things.

They want to watch TV online, or argue about the Pussycat Dolls. I find the second one hilarious, and fully support continuous bickering about it.

As for the people looking for TV online, I thought I’d throw you a bone. You can probably find what you like about watching TV online RIGHT HERE.

So continue on with your arguments about reality TV. I’ll be over here.

Veronica Mars: Debasment Tapes

Last time I watched Veronica Mars, I can to the realization that I dislike it. Ready to catch up? Let’s see. Piz and Veronica made out. Okay, I think I’m caught up with what I missed.

Paul Rudd is in this episode of Veronica Mars. It can’t be all bad. He plays the leader of a band who is coming in to play Hearst College in order to save the radio station. Then his something was stolen! Oh no! Something! That would be more dramatic if I was paying attention.

Tapes. Veronica needs to find backing tapes that someone stole from Paul Rudd. And while that is going on, Logan is setting up a business plan for a class. A creative website. Who has ideas like that?

Of course, his is called GradeMyAss.net. If only I had thought of that!

Paul Rudd is an anti-semite to boot. He can play such a fantastic sleezeball.

A drunken Paul Rudd is taking everyone skinny dipping now. This isn’t going to end well. Skinny dipping is a catalyst for mishaps. Or is a mishap in and of itself.

Veronica solved the mystery, but probably didn’t, because there are 25 minutes left. I can’t fault the show for that, because House does it all the time. Whoops. The mystery is solved. Maybe there’s another mystery around here somewhere.

Piz and Veronica didn’t get Paul Rudd’s tapes back to him on time, so he could find his own courage. Like the Wizard of OZ with more facial hair!

And Mac broke up with her boyfriend. And some other plot strings were left dangling like a broken tree branch in a lonely forest.

Gilmore Girls: Unto the Breach

Lorelai is talking and talking and talking about Logan asking her for permission to ask Rory to marry him. I wonder what will happen in the final episode! Which is next week! Can you believe it? Finally!

Rory is graduating, and Paris is angry about something. Like usual. How can they not stretch out another ten seasons?

I am wearing stereo headphones and can really enjoy the stereo separation of the Gilmore Girls. It have annoying voices pumping into both ears!

How many shoes advertisements can they stuff in between this horrible spaces of this show?

Kirk is going to be sitting in a box this episode. Wacky Kirk. Insert you own euphamism here. And here.

They are going to put on a play about Rory’s life in Gilmore Girls? How can this not kill me? This sounds more lethal than poison. The lethal substance and the band. Which is also a lethal substance.

Rory’s grandparents are singing a parody of a Cole Porter song about Rory’s graduation. Now Logan is proposing to her. Rory didn’t know what to say. Probably because Logan didn’t get down on what knee. The fool!

Rory is all torn an emotional about the proposal. I would be too, if I were in the Gilmore Girls. But that is because the writers would keep stringing my character along for no good reason. It would be pre-destined.

And finally, Rory graduated and turned down Logan’s proposal. She likes life being wide open. Like her stupid mouth! Zing!