Want to see a trick? Okay, hold a gun to my head. Go on, you can do it. It’s okay. They you go. Okay, now ask me what the difference between Wife Swap and Trading Spouses is. I can’t do it! Guess you’ll have to shoot me. Dang. This is a terrible trick.

Family one lives in the country and eats raw meat in preparation for when civilization collapses. The other family lives in the city. So there you go.

The farm kids don’t go to school. And they don’t clean their house because they believe bacteria is a good thing. Uh oh! Watch out, Ivory! I don’t think they care that your soap floats!

Oh yeah. Put that gun away! Wife Swap has the wives following the other family’s rules for a week, then they make their own rules.

I don’t know where to being with this raw diet. It’s easier to digest? Shenanigans! Cooking food breaks down the chemical bonds and allows you to digest more of it. You get more nutrients from cooking food!

The raw family also wakes up at 2 AM every day to drink yogurt so their body doesn’t go into anorexia mode. You know what? The anorexia modes comes from evolution. If you’re not eating, your body thinks their is a famine and starts storing fat. So you always want to be full. But you know what? You sleep! Humans have always slept! Your body knows that you’re going to have to sleep! It makes adjustments accordingly!

This isn’t city life versus country life. This is city life versus flat out insanity!

“You’re killing the good bacteria and the bad bacteria. Do you really think God would put something on this planet that would hurt us?” Lions! Lions lions lions! Lions! LIONS!

Hey, there’s something I can dig at the city folk for. Feng shui. Putting that red chair against the north wall will not bring you good luck. That’s magical thinking! Stop that!

Farm mom wanted to kill a chicken in front of city daddy’s children. You know, to teach them where food comes from.

Eating out every night isn’t good for you either. That is a bit insane. Not “eat raw meat” insane. But still encompassed by the word that is “insanity.”

What have I learned from this hour? That I am right about everything.

Oh yeah, and the one thing that the farm family took away from this experience? Feng shui.

Today during Wife Swap, a champion eater’s wife is switched with a three time world champion boxer.

They just showed a dramatization of the champion eater eating. It was black and white video, in slow motion, of him eating, with “dramatization” labeled in the lower left hand corner. That was fantastic! Please give me more of those hilarious moments.

The boxer’s husband is a homicide detective. Her three children are also overly athletic. Did I say overly? I meant insanely overly athletic.

With the swapping complete, the wives adjust to their new homes. What happens when a woman of larger proportions enters into a fat free home?

Right off the bat, large lady, or LL as I will caller her, is being treated to the family’s backyard fight night. It is exactly what it sounds like. Then her hour long run the next morning is more of a five minute mosey, where she stops to pick flowers and put them in her hair.

Oh yeah, then LL takes over the boxer’s job as a personal trainer. What a wonderful show.

So much is happening to LL. What about the boxing gal, or BG? They take her to an all you can eat buffet and stuff their faces in front of her.

Now the wives take control. The fatties get on a strict schedule and diet. The athletes are going on a lazy schedule and a non-diet. Both families are revolting. Why would a 470 pound man revolt at the thought of going on a three mile run? The same reason I, as a 195 pound man, would revolt at the thought of going on a three mile run.

After a day of pampering, the athletic family goes right back to training. All that Magic Nails gone to waste. How sad.

None of the wives are able to enforce their rules, so they each call in backups. Do you know why the rules aren’t working? Because LL’s punishment for not following the rules is a group hug. You shouldn’t laugh at punishment. Especially if it is real punishment. They will close that iron maiden without a second thought.

BG is timing the larger family in their chores, like you would time a child to get them to use the bathroom.

Now the families are back together, talking about how the experience has changed them for the better. Come on, give me one more dramatization!

The athletic family fell right back in to their routine, but the large family kept up the exercising habits and good eating. There will be a little less matter concentrated in this New York corner of the universe now. Success!