If I were the producer of What Not to Wear, I would make it one episode long. The episode would just be blinking text that says, “Don’t wear leather pants!” That is probably why I am not a producer. That, and the lack of money.

The show centers around two snooty and snoopy people who want to help you dress better. Maybe not so much help as force. Some helping is forcing. Like jail. I would call the show Clothes Jail. Actually, I think I’m going to sell that to FX. “Next week on Clothes Jail, the cashmere scarf drops the soap.”

This family looks like they are dressing for a theater summer stock festival. Second hand dresses and overalls. That will get you through a run of Our Town just fine.

So the family is flown to New York, their clothes are thrown away, and they get dressed down verbally. But it’s all in good fun. I love being told what to do by people who think they are better than me. It’s one of my favorite things. I also like swimming in a pool of salt with open wounds all over my body and my eyes stapled open.

The family has $20,000 to buy a new wardrobe. For lions and witches, they have to pay out of their own pocket. The lion represents Jesus!

Okay, the hosts aren’t complete pricks. The mother has absolutely no fashion sense. Lime green should not be a color. Except for my lemon and lime Fluevogs.

Emotions! What are you doing in my TV stew? Yes yes, you are upset about not dressing like your mom any longer. I was upset when I couldn’t dress like my mother any more.

The same “Life Take Visa” commercial played two times in a row. It also played in every single commercial break before this one.

Hair. Makeup. You know how it goes. If you don’t, you aren’t missing anything.

There is that Visa commercial again. I should buy a small business, I guess.

Everyone looks better. I guess the show is helping. I don’t care to watch it, but it doesn’t seem to be doing the same harm as other terrible television shows.