Veronica Mars: Debasment Tapes

Last time I watched Veronica Mars, I can to the realization that I dislike it. Ready to catch up? Let’s see. Piz and Veronica made out. Okay, I think I’m caught up with what I missed.

Paul Rudd is in this episode of Veronica Mars. It can’t be all bad. He plays the leader of a band who is coming in to play Hearst College in order to save the radio station. Then his something was stolen! Oh no! Something! That would be more dramatic if I was paying attention.

Tapes. Veronica needs to find backing tapes that someone stole from Paul Rudd. And while that is going on, Logan is setting up a business plan for a class. A creative website. Who has ideas like that?

Of course, his is called GradeMyAss.net. If only I had thought of that!

Paul Rudd is an anti-semite to boot. He can play such a fantastic sleezeball.

A drunken Paul Rudd is taking everyone skinny dipping now. This isn’t going to end well. Skinny dipping is a catalyst for mishaps. Or is a mishap in and of itself.

Veronica solved the mystery, but probably didn’t, because there are 25 minutes left. I can’t fault the show for that, because House does it all the time. Whoops. The mystery is solved. Maybe there’s another mystery around here somewhere.

Piz and Veronica didn’t get Paul Rudd’s tapes back to him on time, so he could find his own courage. Like the Wizard of OZ with more facial hair!

And Mac broke up with her boyfriend. And some other plot strings were left dangling like a broken tree branch in a lonely forest.

Veronica Mars: Mars, Bars

Veronica Mars was just arrested for helping some dude escape from jail. By accident, possibly. Or possibly. Obviously possibly.

Veronica and her daddy are also searching for the Dean’s murder. Or were. Veronica is still kind of in jail. That doesn’t stop mafia guys though.

Guess who’s out of jail! That’s right, it’s Veronica! Guess who is being held by a gun wielding escape! You’re wrong. It’s Veronica. President McKinley. What were you thinking?

It’s okay. The gun belonged to the guy in the trunk. In the trunk? It’s like I’m buying some jewelry that is hot.

Logan and the secondary characters are on a scavenger hunt. They must do things like buy large condoms and take a picture of them. Seems a little trivial, when there is murder on the line.

Mac’s roommate, whose name I forgot, is falling for Logan. I think her name begins with a P. Posterior?

Hey, the Dean had inoperable cancer! That’s the kind of thing that could lead to ending it all and not murder! Or a red herring. Actually, absolutely a red herring.

Oh, the coach was dying of something, not the Dean. I should be paying more attention, and not make so many snarky comments.

The Sheriff was clubbed. The Dean’s possible murderer was shot. And Keith, the lucky stalker, showed up in time to clean up.

The coach had himself killed, due to the disease thingy. He left an explanation on DVD. That’s convenient.

Keith is temporary sheriff now. And he is getting down to business! Or biz-nass!

Veronica Mars: Postgame Mortem

Veronica Mars

Veronica MarsDo you know what I don’t like about Veronica Mars? Veronica Mars. She’s bossy, manipulative, thinks she is always right, closed off, angst ridden, sarcastic, and snoopy. Why are we supposed to like her? Because she used to be popular and now she isn’t? She hasn’t learned humility. I dislike her. There. I’m glad I finally figured that out.

Veronica and Logan are in fight. Oh no, again? My fingernails are already down to their nubs!

The hardass college basketball coach was murdered. Time for Snoopy McSnooperson to get her snoop on.

The sheriff thinks the coach’s son killed his dad. I think so too, because the commercials told me to think so. Thanks for the preview that gives too much away, CW.

Veronica uses her friends too, with little to no thanks. How many times has Weevil stuck out his neck for her? Necks get cut, which removes the head from the body. That is no good for anybody. Except the body. The body is probably, like, “Finally!”

Dick stuck Logan with the little sister of some girl he likes. Logan, all 5 o’clock shadowed up and grumpy, gets to play nanny. Of course, he will learn something about life from this little kid. Next plot point, please.

Dick was in Vegas. So, obviously, he got married. Next plot point, please!

Keith has a cameo in The Wrong Guy, a hilarious and largely unknown movie written by and starring Dave Foley. Netflix it now!

Little girl sent out a dedication on the radio to Veronica from Logan. Little girl is getting a little too snoopy for her own good. Logan had better bump her off.

Then Veronica was arrested for helping coach daddy killer escape somehow. Oh no! Sweeps!

Veronica Mars: Show Me the Monkey

Veronica Mars

Veronica MarsVeronica Mars is back! You know, until it disappears for another eight weeks on March 8th. That’s what they like to call “giving them the old broom handle up the ying-yang.”

Ed Begley Jr. was murdered last episode, so there’s a little continuing mystery. Also, test monkeys were stolen. I can’t complain about stolen monkeys. That’s a fine plot.

It’s time for the Around the World dorm party! Did anyone have one of these in college? I sure didn’t.

Keith is talking to Weevil, who is the college janitor. For the whole college? That seems impossible. Probably just part of it.

Dick just took a Polaroid of his, well, junk and threw it off the balcony. Such a crude guy. It’s fun stuff.

Veronica is going undercover with some animal activists to find the test monkeys. Hey, that’s kind of weird. Isn’t Kristen Bell a vegetarian? Hey, that’s kind of weird that I know that.

The dating scene is now open to Veronica since she and Logan split. It isn’t going well. But Mac met a nice cruelty free dude. Can we be happy for Mac just once? Let her have her moment.

Dick and trying to cheer up Logan with surfing. If only surfboards were shaped like smiles. That was insanely stupid of me. Forget I said that thing about smiles and surfboards.

Logan made it with some cheap floozy on the beach. He feels bad. He should get himself one of those feel good things. Whataretheycalled? Lobotomies!

I don’t know why Veronica Mars doesn’t thrill me. I can’t put my finger on it. It isn’t a bad show and it isn’t boring. That puts it ahead of the pack right there. But I weren’t forced to watch it, I wouldn’t. But why? What’s wrong with me?

And…Veronica and Logan are back together. Much the the chagrin of Piz. I had forgotten what Piz looked like. I’m glad they said his name.

Veronica Mars: Welcome Wagon

Veronica Mars

Veronica MarsVeronica Mars is a repeat. A repeat! Why would you vote for a repeat? Is this part of the new winter break that most shows are taking? Let us delve into this newfound bull.

All the big shows are splitting themselves into different sections which we’ll call fall and spring seasons. Lost, Jericho, Heroes, and apparently Veronica Mars. When did this become acceptable?

24, while starting late, is giving us an uninterrupted season. Again, this is a rather new development in TV seasons.

Another practice, started up by Lost, was to go past the end of the hour by a couple of minutes so they could fit in more commercials and screw over people taping things on another stations right after Lost.

TV executives are jerking us around. I am hoping that this comes back to bite them with a giant dip in viewers.

Let us think about this. 18 minutes out of every 60 is taken up by commercials, on average. In more ways than one, networks are making more money by giving us less. It’s economics on their part, but we are still part of the equation. They can’t make money if no one is watching.

But how do we stand up to lengthening commercials and these newly formed winter breaks?

Don’t worry, voters. I’m still watching Veronica Mars. Dick just got kneed in his utilities.

How do we, as viewers, win?

Letter writing campaigns never seem to work. Depriving ourselves of our favorite shows punishes us more than the networks.

Blogs seems to be the way to change things these days. If they wield enough influence, they can rally together a normally silent portion of the TV watching public.

Public image is very important to public companies. The squeaky wheel gets the grease. Or WD40 if that’s your thing. Duct tape doesn’t seem to be the proper low tech tool for the analogy here.

So we need to bang on our internet pots and pans! Raise a stink on the superhighway! Flick the lights on and off to get their attention!

Dick just got beat up for hitting on someone’s girlfriend.

Have made a clear point or just stirred up more questions? Hopefully you’re a little more aware of what is going on with television. You might even have a little urge to do something about it.

And if not, at least you got to hear about Dick being kneed in the swimsuit area. So it wasn’t an entire waste for you.

Oh yeah, and Lost is being bumped back an hour when it comes back. They’re too scared to compete with American Idol. What a sad state of affairs. Do you think Fox will be jerks and extend American Idol episodes to mess with Lost? Absolute power corrupts absolutely.

Veronica Mars: Spit & Eggs

Veronica Mars

Veronica MarsAt the end of last episode of Veronica Mars, it appeared that the angry feminists faked all the Hearst College rapes. Now Roni is running down the hall, in a flurry, with head wounds. Curiosity something something cat.

Now it’s two days earlier. So time had passed since last episode, but now it hasn’t. And there is still a rapist at large. And the Greek institution are being dismantled. And Logan is breaking up with Veronica. And, no, that’s it.

William F. Buckley, Jr. is taking a meeting with a cigar chomping fellow who likes to watch sorority girls. Or used to like watching sorority girls when he went the Hearst. That probably isn’t something you grow out of. And now the Dean is hiring Mr. Mars to look in on his wife.

Veronica is crying in the shower. Her water is probably too cold. It is upsetting.

Now the Dean has somehow voted to keep the Greek system on campus. This is all happening very quickly.

The angry feminists are egging and shaking the Dean’s minivan. It probably needed a wash anyway. No harm, no foul.

Veronica is planning on staking out the Pi Sig blowout. The rapist put an ad in the newspaper, somehow, saying he would strike at the party. How can the party not be hoping with a Neil Diamond impersonator. If there is one thing worse than Neil Diamond, it’s a Neil Diamond impersonator.

Hey, it looks like the Dean is going to murder his cheating wife! Or he will be blamed for it. And the season’s mystery will continue.

Veronica found out who was going to be raped next. And we know who it is! Or we would, if I could remember names and faces. Wait, was he at the Pi Sig party taking tickets? I think so. Then Veronica stabbed him with a unicorn. His name is Mercer. It looks like he’s working with the nice RA too. Who, in turn, drugged Veronica after he “saved” her.

Need I say, this is a good episode? Nice and intense for the end of sweeps.

Lucky for Veronica, she found a hammer and also had a rape whistle.

Oh no! The Dean is going to be shot! He said “What are you doing here” to a shadow.

Rapists caught. Problem solved. Hold on a minute! Logan attacked a police car so he could get thrown in jail and beat up the rapists! Brilliant!

And poor Weevil found the Dean shot in the head.

Things are finally starting to look awesome for this season of Veronica Mars. It’s about damn time.

Veronica Mars: Lord of the Pi’s

Veronica Mars was drugged and assaulted last episode. She’s missing a little hair in the back of her head. She will be in just that spot. I bet it feels like a ghost is always poking her head.

Logan is trying to get Veronica to stop investigating the rape case. You know, since she was attacked last episode. The thing is, Veronica doesn’t take kindly to demands.

The dean of Veronica’s school thinks the grandkid of the founder of the college was abducted from a party in her honor. The Mars’ are on the case.

The Pi Sig fraternity brothers are starting their yearly sex contest, where they get points depending on who they screw. You know, while there is a rape scandal going on and a vote to put an end to fraternities on campus.

The leader of the Pi Sig wound up in his underwear, on the campus lawn, with his head shaved and an easter egg shoved up his bee hind. That is not easy like Sunday morning.

They one abducted lady is just hiding. In her home. I wish I could be paid to find someone who wasn’t lost.

Awesome. Logan secretly hired a bodyguard for Veronica. She has been a little spooked all episode. Spooked that someone was following her. And they were! But he was a good shadow! Not those evil shadows that drag Adam West down to hell. What’s that? You’ve never seen Zombie Nightmare? That’s probably for the best.

Ah ha! The crazy feminists faked all the rapes to get the Greeks off campus. The frats, not the actual Greek people. That would be racist, like Michael Richards.

Veronica Mars: Of Vice and Men

Veronica Mars starts with Veronica being mad at her dad and the return of Piz. Hooray, Piz! His name is Piz!

Nope. Still don’t like the new remixed opening.

Veronica is on the case of a missing boyfriend. Not her own, but somebody else’s. It’s only a matter of time before Veronica and Logan break up. Let me start my stopwatch.

Whoops! And then half of my Veronica Mars blog disappears. I said a whole bunch of witty things. You should have seen it! Stupid internet.

Logan has an alibi for his accused rapist friend. Too bad it involved burning down a Mexican hotel. Too bad he didn’t come clean to Veronica with it. I don’t think the passage of time has made her any less mad.

And Keith was caught cheating with a married woman. Now he is on the other side of the lens. Now he knows how it feels. Maybe he’ll give up the private eye business and run a restaurant.

Veronica’s college foot court has a Chili’s in it. Chili’s gets around. It is mentioned many times in The Office too. Uh oh, Veronica left her drink unattended. That’s a good way to get drugged.

Veronica is acting uncharacteristically stupid. She left the food court while drugged. Then a hooded man came out of the shadows and shaved part of her head. Luckily, Logan was nearby to save the day.

Veronica Mars: President Evil

Veronica Mars

Veronica MarsHow does Veronica Mars, a private detective, dress up for Halloween when she does so on an almost daily basis?

Veronica used Weevil during her criminology oral report. Weevil gets bigger each time I see him. Weevil was very surprised to find that Veronica was dating Logan. He stormed off in a huff. Keith is also taking the Dean’s case, which is to find his dying stepson’s real father. Then a few dead presidents robbed the illegal on campus casino while Veronica was there. They even stole the sentimental necklace that Veronica wore. And now we come to the first commercial. Whew! Wait, that was just the credits. There is still more before plot to get through before we get to breath. Not bad! That’s a lot of bang to start off this episode.

Veronica thinks Weevil pulled the robbery. Wouldn’t she have seen Weevils giant neck tattoo? That wouldn’t prove anything, I suppose. It could have been that jerk from Project Runway.

The someone framed Weevil for ordering a pizza. What? I missed something somewhere. Whatever happened, Weevil is in jail and Veronica is on the case.

I’m calling right now, for everyone to read, that the Dean of Hearst College is in actuality the Hearst rapist. That’s right, I own that guess. Get your own!

The guns in the robbery were from the Hearst film department. In fact, the guns and presidential masks were used in a short film that was playing while Logan and Veronica looked for said items.

Keith was being questioned in the disappearance of the Dean’s wife’s ex-husband and deadbeat dad. Guess who stole the ex-husband for his bone marrow to save their dying son? The wife in that equation.

And the campus rent-a-cop robbed the illegal casino. And Veronica got her necklace back from his bratty daughter.

The end! I’m off to do improv!

Veronica Mars: Charlie Don’t Surf

Veronica Mars

Veronica MarsVeronica Mars starts with a comfortable dinner between Keith, Veronica, and Logan.

I miss non-remixed opening song.

Mysteries this episode include Veronica finding out what is happening to Logan’s missing trust money, and Keith helping someone named Harmony. Harmony thinks her husband is cheating.

Dick also wants Veronica to clear the Pi-Sig frat of the rape rumors. You won’t find a book full of quotes from Dick on the middleclass American’s coffee table. It would include such reasonable sayings as, “Why rape the cow when you’re swimming in free milk?” In the words of the immortal Inspector Gadget, wowsers!

Keith and Harmony are flirting rather heavily. No petting, but shoeless conversation. Where does that rank on the flirtation chart? Somewhere between smiling and naked dancing.

There are so many penguin-centric movies for kids these days. How long until Chilly Willy gets his fair shake?

The money being skimmed from Logan’s trust fund is going to Charlie Stone. That’s Logan’s brother. Logan has a brother? He seems surprised too. If that wasn’t enough, a fake half-brother was sent in Charlie’s place to woo Logan with coolness. Veronica found the real one. Veronica is one smart lady.

A touching moment between Logan and his fake half-brother is ruined by a horrible voice over. Then Logan punched his fake half-brother, who is a journalist for Vanity Fair. Do journalists exist any more?

That was a solid episode. Good characters, plot, and dialogue! A fantastic way to spend a stupid Tuesday night. Tuesdays are stupid.

Veronica Mars: Witchita Linebacker

Veronica Mars

Veronica MarsVeronica Mars starts off by reminding us that there is rape going on at Hearst College. After that, we get a nice visit with Weevil, who is working at a car wash as part of his parole.

The dean of Hearst College played Stan Sitwell on Arrested Development. The Arrested Development cast has disseminated all over the TV horizon quite nicely.

Veronica’s case this episode is finding a football player’s stolen playbook. If he doesn’t have it, he gets kicked off the football team, loses his scholarship, and needs to drop out of college.

Veronica gave her dad some cute puppy dog eyes, which in turn convinced him to hire Weevil as his replacement secretary. That must be some look, to get a convicted criminal a job with a private detective office. What else could that look do? Launch a thousand ships?

Logan has been blowing off Veronica. She is getting jealous and is now using a GPS tracker to find Logan. He’s not cheating on her, he is just addicted to illegal on campus gambling. No biggie. Girlfriends love it when you do illegal things instead of seeing them. Heck, they even like it if you simply decide to hang out with your friends. So Logan must be making Veronica extra happy.

Weevil beat up a guy while he was on covert surveillance. Beating people up isn’t part of being covert. It certainly isn’t part of surveillance.

It was the linebacker’s girlfriend who stole his football playbook. Then her ex-boyfriend and his casino running roommate stole it from her. Stealing stolen things is great. Like knocking over a pawn shop.

Weevil got a job as a janitor at Hearst. Janitors in Veronica Mars don’t have happy endings. We’ll see if this time is different.

From myself and the Aerie Girls, I bid you goodnight!

Veronica Mars: My Big Fat Greek Rush Week

Veronica Mars

Veronica MarsVeronica Mars guest stars Samm Levine tonight! He was in Freaks and Geeks.

We start right were the last episode left off. Parker, the roommate of Veronica’s friend, was raped. Did you know Veronica snuck into the room while it was happening? Too bad Parker was such a damn flirt or this whole uncomfortable plot line would be over.

Keith, Veronica’s daddy, is stumbling through the desert after being shot at by an ex-con. You can’t remove the “ex” until he is proven guilty in a court of law.

Do as many people join college newspapers as TV shows make it seem? There have to be other clubs on campus. You could join an ensemble, for instance. An ensemble of what is up to you.

Anywho, Veronica is on assignment in infiltrate a sorority.

Dan Castellaneta is the professor of Wallace and Logan’s Sociology class. As part of his class, he has set up an experiment that allows a guard group of students to try and extract information from a prisoner group of students. Sam Levine is in the prisoner group. Funny, he played at least a Sophomore in Undeclared which aired in 2001. Now it is 2006. But hey, work is work. And Samm is awesome.

And Keith tricked the ex-con into stepping on a wild animal trap. Who knew the ex-con could be baited by a pen? I don’t think that’s on the list of tools you need to survive in the desert.

Veronica is getting rushed, but is finding it harder to uncover the evil within. She acted too drunk and the girls sent her home. You can’t investigate a sorority when you are home sober! Unless you’re talking about those sorority girls who go wild. You can investigate those on DVD.

Samm peed his pants. It seemed like something you should know.

The sorority isn’t setting up prospective rushes to be raped. They are growing a room full of weed though. Full. To the brim. Someone has been a bad den mother. Eew, that sounds fetishish. Does that work? Fetishish?

The wacky weed was for the den mother’s cancer. Veronica actually met some people in the sorority that she liked, and now everybody hates her.

And the thing in the briefcase at the end of season two? Marsellus Wallace soul. I mean, a Van Gogh painting.

The Aerie Girls and Terrible TV Advertising

Aerie Girls

Aerie GirlsThe Aerie Girls may be saying, “I can really identify with Rory Gilmore because I have gone through heartbreak before,” but all I’m hearing is, “I am being paid by American Eagle to act like I am having a casual conversation with my friends.”

The Aerie Girls are a made up group of girls, like O-Town (snap?), created by American Eagle to pretend to be your friends. As thrilling as that may be for the 13 year old boys out there, it makes me very angry.

American Eagle has teamed up with The CW on Tuesdays to bring you the Aerie Girls during commercial segments of the Gilmore Girls and Veronica Mars. During these commercials, the Aerie Girls will relate to each other about what has happened during the TV shows you have been watching. By “relate” I mean “read words from a script.”

If you are a commercial for American Eagle, come out and say you are a commercial for American Eagle. Don’t put on this horribly fake persona and pretend I’m an idiot.

And another thing. Radio, I’m talking to you here. I know you are not in a bar talking to real people about what shows are coming up this week. Cut the act. If I was deaf and blind and had no nerve endings and was dead, I could see right through your horrible advertising techniques.

I want everyone to get mad about this Aerie Girls thing. Get angry. Let American Eagle know that you aren’t a stupid cow in a field chewing your cud and waiting to be slaughtered. No, that’s too cliché.

Let American Eagle know you had a casual conversation about the Aerie Girls with your friends, and have decided to shop at the GAP instead.

Wait, the GAP has those creepy Audrey Hepburn commercials. I think we’re in a lose-lose situation here, American consumers.

Just shop at Target. Yeah, that’ll work.

Veronica Mars: Welcome Wagon

Veronica Mars

ThisVeronica Mars viewing of Veronica Mars is sponsored by Julia Honeyman for Watch Veronica Mars.

This season of Veronica Mars starts us in on Veronica’s first day of college. She just showed up everyone in her criminology class, including the TA. That must be an easy A for her, like Intro to Theater is for everyone else.

Maybe I wasn’t forced to watch enough Veronica Mars last season, but Veronica and Logan are doing an awful lot of kissing. Is that normal?

Wallace just met his new roommate, name of Piz? Pez? All secondary characters must go by a weird nickname. But Piz/ez got all his stuff stolen from his car. Who you gonna call?

Piz. It’s Piz. That’s as stupid a name as the Nintendo Wii.

Moe is Wallace’s RA. He says “frack” instead of regular swear words. What? Huh? Oh, yeah. You’re right. He is a geek.

In a continuing storyline from last season, girls on campus are getting raped. That means lots of fun and light hearted storylines are headed our way.

It is a real comfort to know what the fake corporate made Aerie Girl characters think about the TV show I am watching. What a wonderful marketing ploy. You really are paying attention to me and who I am, advertisers.

So Veronica and Logan just finished having sex. That seems kind of unnecessary when it’s written like that.

Parker is Mac’s roommate. Mac is one of Veronica’s friends from high school that I don’t remember. Parker is a valley girl. Is that what they’re still called? That’s what they were called about 20 years ago.

Ahhhh, Mac was Beaver’s girlfriend. Beaver is the one who blew up the bus and then Supermaned himself off the top of a building.

We won’t have to remember Parker’s name for much longer. She probably stole Piz’s stuff. Or it was the guy who “bought” Piz’s guitar. That’s probably more likely. Oh Ockham. You and your razor will prevail once again.

Keith has been escorting some criminal across country the whole episode. It was uninteresting, so I didn’t bother talking about it. Until the man he was escorting shoots his own wife and then starts shooting at Keith. I wish I understood who this dude was.

And how do you end the episode? Parker got raped. Hooray! Good happy times are here.

Veronica Mars: You Think You Know Somebody

Veronica Mars

Veronica MarsI pull apart the slick packaging of the DVD set, and pull out disc two of Veronica Mars. Could you actually visualize me opening up the package? Hooray for English!

The episode starts off in Tijuana, Mexico. Troy, Logan, and some other guy are up to no good. They are drunk or toasted or something. A piñata full of drugs is their score, I think. It is a piñata full of something. That takes back seat to the fact that Troy’s car just got stolen after they stopped for some American cuisine on the US side of the border. No matter, Veronica is on the case. Piñatas and cars alike will soon be in the hands of their proper owners.

The car belonged to Troy’s father, who is out of town for five more days. That must mean five days of balls to the wall parties! Or five days to find the car.

They dude whose name I don’t know is in trouble for losing the piñata. The man behind the piñata looks to be the high school weight lifting coach. Is that a real thing?

The piñata was full of steroids! I should have guessed, that piñata was ripped! It also had a terrible case of adult acne.

While driving in Veronica’s car, Veronica and Troy made a comment about really liking The Postal Service song that was on the radio. That didn’t seem forced in the least. It’s not like mentioning Coca-Cola in Schindler’s List or anything, but it’s close.

The steroid pusher is chasing after the stupid kid at a very fast gait. He must do some cardio training as well, or his heart would explode. Veronica Mars isn’t the heart exploding kind of show you might think.

Troy’s car has been both chopped and shopped. The missing piñata? It was full of candy. The fact that something is filled with candy should never be a disappointment.

The dialogue and characters in this show are done so well. Even the situations, which can be boring at times. At least they are real and put together with intelligence.

Luckily, Troy’s car had a tracking device on it. Unluckily, it is now attached to a dog instead of a car.

Veronica and daddy have been running in to some relationship issues this episode. Each has revealed secrets about the other’s other that they might not want to hear. Other’s other. I like that. It’s up for grabs as a band name, if you want.

Troy is now off to a military school in New Mexico. Instead, he heads off to the real Mexico with his dad’s “stolen” car and a bag full of steroids. Surprises all around, the bag full of steroids was actually full of candy. Good work, Veronica Mars. Bags can be disappointing when full of candy. Leave the piñatas alone.

I’m not detective, but I am going to guess that Veronica and Troy are broken up now.

Veronica Mars: I Am God

Veronica Mars

Veronica MarsIt wouldn’t be a Tuesday if Veronica Mars wasn’t on the night’s docket. That was a lot of apostrophes. I apologize.

Veronica is in a bus at the bottom of the sea with someone named Meg. It’s really just a dream, but it looked pretty cool. It was also a very good way to show us the facts instead of just telling us. That’s how you make television, people. Are you listening, producers of shows on The WB? Wait a second, that’s this channel. Weird.

Evidence! In the researching the bus crash, Veronica found “I am God” written on the back of a school bus seat. It was a new bus, so it probably wasn’t a coincidence. Unless God actually wrote it. It’s no burning bush, but what is?

On a side note, did you know you can finally get RV on Blu-ray?

The students of Neptune High are taking part in the standard egg drop assignment, where you create a device to save an egg in a fall from the roof. I filled an ice cream bucket with Jell-O. It didn’t work very well.

Dick, a man’s name, broke up with a girl that died on the bus. Dick is, fittingly, a dick. He only dated her to “ride bareback.” For those of you under 10, that means making love without a raincoat. Go ahead, ask your parents. I’ll wait.

Keith is dating behind Veronica’s back. Not that he is dating Veronica. That would be sick. We’re not reading John Irving here. Settle down. Did you find out about raincoats like I asked? Then don’t worry.

This is a tight and well put together episode. I’m losing myself just watching it. I don’t think that has happened with a Veronica Mars episode before. Good work director Martha Mitchell. I look forward to seeing the episode of House you directed.

This isn’t the same Martha Mitchell whose husband was involved in Watergate. The character of Martha Logan on 24 was based on her. Are you learning a lot? I am.

The “I am God” graffiti was just the album cover for some rock band. What a trippy and interesting episode! Now I want more Veronica Mars. Finally.

Veronica Mars: The Wrath of Con

Veronica Mars

Veronica MarsIn an unusually slow week of voting, the Veronica Mars fans take over this Sunday’s DVD viewing slot, just like they take over every Tuesday. Let’s go way back to episode four of the first season. Come on, it’ll be fun. I promise.

Veronica and Troy are making out on the balcony outside her motel room home. That was eight full minutes of making out. They didn’t show it all. Now Veronica has a big smile on her face. It won’t be too long before that is wiped off her face. I was right! Thank you, memories of Veronica’s murdered best friend, Lilly Kane.

Veronica is helping out one of Wallace’s friends who was dumb enough to fall for a message 419.

Troy and Veronica are going to homecoming together. This leads to more flashbacks of happier times with Lilly and Duncan Kane.

Karl, the message 419 fellow, turns out to be an actor who thought he was part of some Punk’d reality show. Now Veronica must go undercover as a gamer geek at a cyber lounge. This seems awfully 90s to me. I love the 90s. Just kidding, that’s when middle school was. Middle school sucks.

Wallace and Veronica are both undercover at the scammer’s dorm for an Around the World party. Oddly, the crook’s dorm room had a security system. And it wasn’t just boxes of ramen stacked in front of the door.

These college nerds have been scamming people in order to raise capital to make their own video game. Wallace is keeping them distracted with a sneak peak of the Matrix Online game. Veronica stole their hard drives, ransomed them for the money they stole, and then Wallace got the kiss from the scammed girl he was waiting all episode for. A lot has been accomplished this episode.

This weekend I woke up early to go to the farmer’s market. That is like cleaning your house ten times and mowing the lawn. It takes more willpower than you think.

And the episode ends with Veronica stopping her homecoming limo, leaving everyone inside, and skinny dipping by herself. There was stuff leading up to it the whole episode, but it didn’t make for interesting commenting. So I am leaving you in the dark. Now you know how Ray Charles felt. He felt good.

Veronica Mars: The Quick and the Wed

Veronica Mars

Veronica MarsI’m watching Veronica Mars on a Tuesday? How weird is that?

This seems very familiar. This might be the first episode of Veronica Mars that I had seen. Maybe the second one. We can see if things make a little more sense this time around.

Veronica is being hired to find a missing bride. I imagine that I made a Julia Roberts quip the last time I was forced to watch this episode. Maybe I even went for a Jennifer Wilbanks joke. Neither is terribly original. I should try harder.

I forgot that Logan filmed some “bum fight” videos. The guy wants to break into the pictures, can you blame him? You can learn a lot about action by getting bums to fight. Expect the unexpected. There will always be bodily fluids involved.

Veronica found the runaway bride’s car abandoned in the parking lot of an all-night diner. Maybe it isn’t abandoned at all! Those cups of coffee are endless until you leave the diner. She is probably still in there drinking coffee.

Oddly, the word “penis” has been spoken many times this episode. Sure, I say it as often as some people say “the,” but you don’t hear it on TV too often.

Logan is dating some girl that I don’t know. I remember thinking she was Veronica Mars the first time around. I’m not making the same mistake this time, but I’m not any clearer.

Veronica found another local PI who was tailing the missing bride during her bachelorette party. That probably means something.

The bride was found! Everything is wrapped up, including the school bus explosion, the incorporation of Neptune, and the trial of Aaron Eckles. I’m only fooling. Not even one of those things was wrapped up.

Ah ha ha. Vinnie, the bowling PI, constructed a few situations to make the bride run off to see her old boyfriend. Vinnie was hired by the groom to make the bride seem unfaithful. That’s love for you.

This is a little more fun when you know the plot. Just like swimming is also more fun to do after you learn how to swim first.

Veronica Mars: Rashard and Wallace Go to White Castle

Veronica Mars

Veronica MarsThe second Veronica Mars of the night starts off with Keith sneaking into the evidence room of the police station. Why? I’m not sure. All will be explained, in time.

Wallace is being framed by some high school basketball players from Chi-town that he played with. It turns out that their star ran over a homeless man with them in the car, and now they are saying that Wallace did it. You know, since Wallace squealed. They are unawares that Wallace has Veronica Mars in his corner. Veronica does stand for truth and kidnapping, after all.

On the topic of commercials, are there any superheroes that aren’t labeled as “a different brand of superheroes?”

There same amount of plotlines are occurring this episode as before, but I’m having a hard time concentrating. Maybe two episode of Veronica Mars in a row is just too much for me. I’ll try and pull it together.

We have Wallace covered, right? Good. Okay, Weevil and Logan need Veronica to do something in some church. Uhhhh huh. I sort of get it. It has something to do with drugs. Moving on, Keith stole tapes of Beaver and his brother talking about the bus crash. Something about a stinky dead rat.

Maybe I’m getting lost because these plotlines are coming to a head, and I don’t know the beginnings and only part of the middles.

The priest of the church was a former drug dealer from a well known drug family. Veronica bugged the confessional booth. I think I’m getting back on track.

Weevil found out which of his biker boys was selling drugs with their enemies. It turns out it was all his biker boys. It’s mutiny! Can biker gangs mutiny?

It’s over with another plot twist I don’t understand! Damn. I liked the last episode better. I will pretend that I only watched that one.

Veronica Mars: Donut Run

Veronica Mars

Veronica MarsUh oh, Veronica Mars went to see Duncan, but instead she saw that one lady who sleeps around with everyone for financial gain. Kendal, I guess her name is. She was naked under her clothes.

Someone named Meg died recently and Duncan has a baby. It sprung forth from the womb of Meg, I am guessing. Oh yeah, I remember now! Meg. She was comatose. Really, dead is only the next step after comatose, right? Is that really so bad?

Oh, Duncan and Veronica broke up. Again. Which leads to Veronica moping around and Duncan disappearing with the baby he has no right to. I think I remember something about not wanting the baby to grow up in Catholic school. I could be remembering something else though. Like that short story I am writing about not growing up in Catholic school.

Veronica is under arrest as Duncan’s accomplice. The credits also tell me that Xena: Warrior Princess is in this episode. Hey, Ken Marino of Wet Hot American Summer and The State is on this show too. Nifty.

Thanks goodness this episode doesn’t revolve around jury duty. Jury duty shouldn’t be the subject of anything ever.

Logan and Weevil are in cahoots to frame someone. Someone named Hector, as the mint container actually filled with ecstasy says.

Now the FBI is involved with the investigation. They figured out that Duncan bought a boat. Then they found the boat! The boat was one of those boats that doesn’t have people on them. You know, empty boats.

Veronica is helping Duncan! That is why their breakup seemed overly obvious in the beginning. Duncan called Veronica and the FBI traced it to some place up north. Little did they know that it was a trick. Duncan was still in town. Good work, Veronica Mars. Can you evade the law for another 15 minutes?

Sheriff Lamb was left behind by the FBI. He found a tip that Veronica’s ATM card was used in Mexico. He is being set up for humiliation.

Speaking of humiliation, Keith found out that Veronica was lying. He doesn’t feel very happy about being duped. Poor Keith. He doesn’t get many moments in the sun. He’s just there for support.

Awww, snappity snap snap! Duncan snuck down to Mexico in Sheriff Lamb’s trunk. That’s some excellent sneaking and planning. Except the “letting Veronica’s dad find out” part. But as plans go, pretty prefect. Hopefully I can go to the bathroom as planned. Wish me luck!