Trading Spouses: Meet Your New Mommy: Nelson/Andrews

Trading Spouses: Meet Your New Mommy

Trading Spouses: Meet Your New MommyIt’s time for yet another episode of the rage inducing Trading Spouses: Meet Your New Mommy.

The Andrews family has a a wife who is a house. Or, rather, a house wife. She serves everyone. Also, the Andrews are from what I can only assume is Boston. It sounds like they’re a little slow. But that’s just because they say “car” funny. Mommy also has a lazy eye.

Did you know that if you don’t fix lazy eye by the age of 10, you’re stuck with it forever? The brain stops making vision pathways by that time. So quit stalling and get your kid’s eye fixed already! Put down the KFC snacker and make it happen!

The other family is a rock ‘n’ roll family. They were married on David Bowie and Elvis Presley’s birthday. That is pretty rock ‘n’ roll. And their sweet 17 year old daughter loves ballet. Weird!

Mark, the rock ‘n’ roll husband, reminds me a lot of Michael Showalter of Stella and so much more.

Here’s a quick questions. Is soda and booze a good pre-breakfast snack? The answer has to be yes. If you can smoke like a chimney and drink all night long when you’re 50, you’re doing something right. Heck, at 27 I can hardly make it past 11 pm.

House mom doesn’t know what to do with herself. Neither does rock ‘n’ roll mom. I guess that’s sort of the point.

Rock mom has been told to clean the house, and the lazy daughters sleep all day long. Refusal to dust daily brings in the conflict. Dust daily? Are you kidding? Do you have an allergy to dirt? Of course you don’t. You’re a mechanic!

The rock daughter is home schooled, which is crazy. Super religious people seem to be the ones homeschooling their children. Not those at odds with the opinions of the government.

I don’t see why this is a two part episode. I feel no compulsion to watch part two.

Trading Spouses: Meet Your New Mommy: Chase/Lane

Trading Spouses: Meet Your New Mommy will be interesting this week. One of the families has two mommies. Get ready for a complete lack of tolerance!

The gay family is very loving. The non-gay family swears a lot and hates everything. Do you really need this insane contrast to show that gay families are okay? You’re hitting it kind of hard here, Trading Spouses.

You say you lived in a nice neighborhood? Until the Mexicans moved in? Wow. You are something else. Something else from good.

When meeting someone’s child, do not ask the child what happened to their teeth.

How can you not “get” being gay? People are people, you foolish fool! And you let your own children cut you down? And others? I guess what I’m saying is, these people are something else.

She asked then, when she used the bathroom, if she used the man or the ladies.

This isn’t as fun as I thought it would be. These are just cruel and awful people. It isn’t funny. It’s sad and scary.

Being gay is a birth defect? There is no difference between being born with six arms and being gay? Chew on that for the weekend.

Afterthoughts on Ghost Whisperer and Trading Spouses: Meet Your New Mommy

Friday nights are very important to us. The work week is done and it is time to kick back. The phrase “Thank Goodness It’s Friday” is so loved that it has inspired both a night of sitcoms on ABC and a chain restaurant.

Sure, ABC’s TGIF included such terrible shows as Full House, Family Matters, and Dinosaurs (no disrespect to Jessica Walter), while the restaurant serves overpriced hamburgers with fakes smiles. In spite of this, people still love Fridays.

Not me though. This past Friday brought me into direct contact with Ghost Whisperer starring Jennifer Love Hewitt. On a scale from awful to terrible, this show was terriful.

The show tries to come off as scary, which is fails at. Inanimate objects with human qualities have not been this cheesy since Evil Dead 2, which desired to be cheesy. All of you that are freaked out by breathing footballs are just tools of the night light manufacturers.

The show did teach me one thing. Comas last only a couple of minutes. You may have terribly contrived dreams during your coma, but it will not last too long.

In a sad statement about television, Trading Spouses: Meet Your New Mommy was better than Ghost Whisperer.

Trading Spouses had actual conflict and emotion, while Jennifer Love Hewitt only flashed her giant teeth or pretended to cry.

There are not that many shows with British rocket scientists who like raves and getting uptight people drunk off of their asses. Then, after the uptight people have survived their terrible hangover, they take them to play paintball.

Both Trading Spouses and Ghost Whisperer are designed to have interesting characters and conflict, but only one of them succeeds.

That was my Friday night. Pretty cool, huh? How was yours? Maybe I can live through the awesome things that you did.

Trading Spouses: Meet Your New Mommy

Trading Spouses: Meet Your New Mommy

Trading Spouses: Meet Your New MommyYou have just found a letter in the pocket of your light spring jacket that you have not worn for over a year. You open the letter and take out Trading Spouses: Meet Your New Mommy.

This is the second week that I have watched Trading Spouses. I can make it through this show.

Mommy one is a workaholic who goes to France every summer, has kids who go to expensive Catholic schools, runs her own business, and loves going to the theater and opera.

Mommy two is a career counselor who lives in a house of farts. At least, that is the sound that was edited in when we first saw her house. Her husband is a rocket scientist. He really likes raves with techno music. The whole family does not care what people think of them, which is a fine way to go through life, unless you have a camera on you. They do have cameras on them.

Do Not Care man is hoping the new mom is “tasty” and “a bit of all right!” He is creepy and British.

Just to get things straight, we have Do Not Care mom, or DNC mom, and Opera Mom.

DNC dad is wearing a shirt that says “I Am The Man You Are Looking For.” Remember, he is a rocket scientist. He works on rockets.

Opera dad is trying really hard to think of what to say to DNC mom. It looks like his brain is drowning. Opera son just said British people have always been disturbing to him. Is that racist?

Opera mom is not fond of the suburbs, where she is now with the rocket scientist. Opera mom and DNC family are getting drunk on Champaign straight off. It is actually a good plan, because they are trying to loosen her up. Maybe DNC dad is really is a rocket scientist. Whoops, until Opera mom passed out on the couch. Good job, DNC dad.

This Famous Footwear commercial is singing “Shoe love…is true love” to me. That statement is probably false.

Opera dad was up at 6 am doing work. That is fine. I get up at 6:30 am each day to go to work. You can not fault a man for being a good worker.

DNC dad is working out in, what looks like, Speedos. That is why he is called Do Not Care dad. Opera mom has a hangover. I bet she blames it on the suburbs. “Getting Patti (Opera mom) drunk was a real success,” said the rocket scientist. I wonder what he thought about the moon landing.

DNC mom does not know what to do, since a maid is doing all the cleaning for her. So she is drinking tea. Lots of tea. If you see a British person drinking lots of tea, you know that they are nervous. Is that racist?

Opera man likes to retire to places. Retire to the living room. Retire to the dining room. Wherever there is wine, you can retire to it. You can also make people feel like crap by inviting an etiquette coach to dinner. Sure, you may be 50 years old, but it is never too late to learn how to use a knife correctly.

Opera family and DNC mom are waiting to go to dinner as Opera dad will not get off the phone with work. He said “just a couple minutes” right after he said “20 minutes would be great” to the person on his phone. Opera dad also talks like he loves the sound of his own voice. It pisses me off.

I seem to be slowly slipping down in my chair as the show continues. Can you see that on the webcam? Is it a proper gauge for my attitude?

Opera mom is being treated to a new experience at a Moroccan restaurant, and she is put off that people are not eating with knives and forks. I guess culture is only safe to enjoy if it is opera.

Opera dad is ready to go into a rage because he is not allowed to work all weekend, and he must spend time with his children. His children seem perfectly wonderful, except for the son that is weirded out by British people.

DNC family is taking Opera mom paintballing. This is how people snap and lose their mind. I wish she still had her hangover. Opera mom got shot in the hand is crying like a little baby. It is a good thing she did not skin her knee. I hope someone buys her ice cream.

Haha! I made it through another week! Thank you all very much for joining me in this experience. I will see you all again next week! Tell everyone you know, and keep voting!

Afterthoughts on America’s Funniest Home Videos and Trading Spouses: Meet Your New Mommy

There is not much to afterthought on either America’s Funniest Home Videos or Trading Spouses: Meet Your New Mommy.

What more can be said about America’s Funniest Home Videos? They show a bunch of videos and everyone at home scoffs at the ones that they think are staged. People get hit in the nuts or they do not. Some animals get stuck somewhere. This is all while the host makes terrible one liner comments.

This weekend my mom suggested I turn off the sound. Really, that is only half the solution. Turning off the whole TV would be a much better plan. That would not be fair to everyone who voted though. Maybe if I turned off the video and left the sound, it would be like watching performance art. That would not really be better, would it?

Trading Spouses: Meet Your New Mommy has left me angry. Parents treating their children with absurd standards and sheltering always pisses me off. Religious dad, your kids do not love you because of your fantastic parenting. It is a sort of Stockholm syndrome. They sympathize with your pathetic need to control everything you see.

Maybe they just do not want to be yelled at. The children’s options are lots of yelling if they do not do things right, or less yelling if they do things correctly. What a treat! Do not cry and get tears on the floor, kids! Then daddy will yell because he has to mop the entire house.

Enough of this. It is spring and sunny outside. It is time for me to be happy. Another week of forced TV gets underway today! Make sure to VOTE HERE! Tell your friends to vote too. People you do not know that you pass on the street should vote too. Tell them that.

Trading Spouses: Meet Your New Mommy

Trading Spouses: Meet Your New Mommy

Trading Spouses: Meet Your New MommyEveryone, give a warm hello to Trading Spouses: Meet Your New Mommy. The show is like Wife Swap, except with money to add more drama.

This is part two of a two part episode. From the preview, it looks like a religious mom traded places with a sci-fi loving mom. The producers for these shows are so evil. I would like to give them a big hug. The people in these shows are so unbending.

Wow! Religious father just said he would not compromise his standards of neatness just to spend an extra hour with his children. I know it is only March, but the contest for Father of the Year is over! Give this man the trophy!

The other nerd internet goth sci-fi whatever family seems pretty out of it too. They do not spend time together, and the daughter does not want to go sailing with the rest of the family. What kid would not want to go sailing? Maybe if they tempted her with a captain’s hat and ascot she would change her tune.

The hi-tech family has so many awkward silences, it is awesome. It is like an episode of The Office.

The mothers seem like very reasonable people. It is the families they are put with that seem odd. It is almost as if when the mothers switched back, it would still be as awkward.

Sci-fi mom just played a prank on religious dad. He got a little wet. Now he is blowing up at her. This man hates children. Unless they are dirty. Then he can clean them. Religious dad seems to forget that sci-fi mom gets to decide what is done with his reward money at the end of the show.

Sci-fi dad is walking into Fuddruckers with a lightsaber. Now they are putting him into a stormtrooper outfit. It is all sort of sweet, because he is trying to bond with his wife’s Star Wars friends and it is working.

They just showed a preview for 24, which you voting bastards have got me hooked on now. Thanks. I am actually excited to watch it again.

The mothers will now decide what the other family’s $50,000 dollars goes towards. This is going to be really good. The fan is going to be hit by something sticky and smelly.

However, before the fan hitting with the brown, the wives meet each other and have a talk. Neither of the wives are hearing what the other is saying. They got nothing out of this experience. If they stopped judging other people and judged themselves, maybe they would see some truth. Yes, I am judging this show and these people. I make the rules, I can break them.

Star Wars wife totally screwed the religious family on the money. Self-improvement classes, computers, Star Wars toys, and the internet. Both families have money going to their kid’s college funds. So it is not all bad. It is awfully funny though. They have no desire to have computers or Star Wars action figures or anything to do with the outside world.

So another TV program where people’s lives are turned upside down. No bigger shockers here, but it was an enjoyable program that made me laugh a couple of times. It would be much better if you were doing something else while watching it, like knitting or math. Just get out one of your many complex math problems and work away!