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The Ten Commandments

The Ten CommandmentsNow it is time for some mini-series action! Or is it a two episode TV event? Whatever you want to call it, it is The Ten Commandments. When will they stop making movies based on book?

Ummm…..they just showed a picture of a mushroom cloud in the pharaoh’s vision of disaster. It has been a while since I read the bible, but I did not think that was in there.

Pharaoh wants to kill baby Moses, because he will bring doom to Egypt. We learned this through a lot of overacting. This is the soap opera The Ten Commandments, but with computer graphics.

I will try not to recap the story. If you really care, read a Bible. Let us focus on the entertaining and terrible parts.

There is a voice over, and it sounds like that of a grade school film strip. I keep expecting him to turn one frame ahead when I hear the tone.

Omar Sharif is in this “movie.” Did anybody else think he was dead? Not that I want him to be dead. He has done some good work and he sure knows his bridge.

The acting in this thing is really terrible. They must be saving all of their money for the special effects. And haircuts. Lots of money expensive haircuts.

I hope this thing has commercials. I drank a lot of Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper during Deal or No Deal. It feels like Moses is parting my bladder.

It is neat that they modeled Egypt after that MGM casino in Vegas. Pyramids and statues. Not as many flashing lights though.

Hold up, Moses just murdered a slave master. With a rock or very hard fist. I think the Bible said something about Moses having fists of stone and shoulders of fire. His hair is also fire, and his feet are made of gummy worms of steal. So the Bible said.

Moses walked through the desert for a long time. It is sort of like that Proclaimer’s song. He would walk 500 miles. After that, it seems, that we would walk another 500 miles. When you are walking in the sand, it probably seems like many more miles. There is a lot of slipping.

Moses is a lot like Jack Bauer! He is not afraid to punch anybody! Except he does it with rocks. He is a wimpy Jack Bauer. Jack Bauer also gets things done in 24 hours. Moses led his people through the desert for 40 years. Who do you think is better at getting things done?

There is a lot of dancing going on in Moses’ new found home. It reminds me of that terrible Matrix sequel. It looks like Moses must have gotten busy during the dancing too, because he now has a baby. Like when Neo and Trinity got busy. These parallels are not filling me with hope.

It is time for some burning bush action. Special effects! The bush totally looks like it is burning! Bravo, ABC! Bravo! Moses’ staff became a snake too! You are taking all the steam out of Samuel L. Jackson’s sails!

This show has a lot of long long long dramatic pauses. Aww nuts, more desert walking. There will be a lot more of this. Moses has not even led the slaves into the desert yet. There is so much more desert to come! If you do not like desert, you are out of luck. Well, you can change the channel. I am stuck.

Moses has an attitude problem. In these modern times, he would most certainly be a goth. He would totally dig the Suicide Girls.

If you think I am watching this until 10 pm, you have another thing coming.

It is time for Moses to demand his people’s freedom. The pharaoh is going to deny his request. He needs to fill out the proper freedom paperwork, probably.

Snake fight! Snake fight! Fighting snakes! Oh, it’s over. Come on, you show us minutes upon minutes of desert walking, and the snake fight is over in 30 seconds? Boo! Boo!

That is the end of that, boys and girls. There is another hour, but my TV time is over for the night. I will see you all again tomorrow! Sleep tight, and try not to worry about water turning into blood. I always worried about all the oxygen in the world turning into cement. Is that weird?

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