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Survivor: Panama-Exile Island: Call the Whamulence!

Survivor: Panama-Exile IslandIt was a close race tonight, but Survivor: Panama-Exile Island beat out Will & Grace and Smallville by a hair. Where were the Smallville fans this week? I can only assume they all died.

With Shane the Insane, I can’t believe I didn’t think of that rhyme until just now, voted off the island, I don’t know how good this show will be. No one else is going to start talking to a piece of wood.

The young punks still think that they are taking down Terry, the ex-fighter pilot. He has beaten them in every single immunity challenge. Even if they win the next two challenges, they still can’t hold it over him because he has won more than they possibly can at this point. He has certainly outplayed everyone. Will he outlast? You like that? It’s like the show’s logo says.

This episode’s reward challenge combines all the fun of running and counting things. Admittedly, it is a hard task. I just hate running and counting.

Aras just head butted Terry in the chest like a ram. That’s using your head. Hahahahahahahahahahaha! Get it? I could be a sitcom writer! What a butt head! Hahahahaha!

Aras gets to ride on a yacht through the Panama Canal. He is amazed by the locks that let their boat go up and down. Did you know that people actually visit locks to watch boats go up and down? Don’t plan your next vacation yet. Locks are not as fun as TV shows make them seem. Hollywood is always glamorizing locks. I am calling for a stop to this lock idolization right now!

Who put it into the minds of the producers that watching people do puzzles was exciting? It is not. Even with drums beating away in an exciting fashion, they can not fool me. Your challenge is boring.

Shouldn’t this show get more exciting the closer and closer it gets to the final episode? As this thing progresses, it should all be building up to a climax. I don’t feel a build here. Sure, I want Aras to lose, but beyond that, nothing it motivating me to watch. It’s odd, how watching for failure is a motivation.

There is still time left in this episode. The votes are going to be a tie, and they will have to do a sudden death challenge. Wait, to be continued? What’s that jazz? You have five minutes left in this hour!

This is all the fault of that terrible creature, Sweeps! Sweeps has mighty claws, wings of midnight, and a thirst for blood. You don’t believe in Sweeps? Then Sweeps will kill you for your lack of faith. All hail Sweeps!

Survivor: Panama-Exile Island

Survivor: Panama-Exile IslandIt was a very close battle for the 7pm hour today. Survivor: Panama-Exile Island was tied with Walker, Texas Ranger and La Fea Más Bella. In the case of a tie, I get to choose the winner. Of course, I chose to watch Survivor: Panama-Exile Island with my wife. You folks need to get it together. One more vote would have clinched it for either show. Get your friends to vote next time. Okay? Alright.

Last time we saw the survivors, Bruce had left the show due to an abundance of poop. My only hope for this episode is to see some crazy psycho Shane goodness.

How soon my wishes are answered! Shane found a piece of wood that looks like a Blackberry. Now he is texting people not on the island. That is fantastic! That is how insanity is supposed to work! Okay, Survivor gods. My next wish is that something bad happen to Shane’s “Blackberry” and he goes on a witch hunt to find who did it.

Yet another Survivor challenge we have seen a million times. The survivors are clipped to a rope and must wind their way through an obstacle course. Hey, “a gust of wind.” “I will wind the rope.” Why are wind and wind spelled the same? Lazy dictionary people.

Now they are doing another challenge for a car. No one who has won the car has won Survivor. That does not interest me. What interests me is they are doing the “slingshot to break plates” challenge they have done every season. Come up with an original game! I will blame it on host Jeff Probst. You can only make one anagram from Jeff’s name. Jeff PBS rot. Huh. It isn’t much of an anagram if one of their names stays the same.

My name as an anagram? I’m a crow neck.

Terry, the pilot, just said “we were airplaned off the island.” Airplaned off? Good work with your lingo, pilot.

You don’t hear the word “bosom” too often these days. But you know what? Cirie has a huge bosom. She doesn’t have breasts or a chest. That is a bosom. It weirds me out.

They are doing a challenge where you have to hold on to ropes above your head that are attached to X percent of your body weight. I think this challenge is just to show us how much armpit hair the ladies have grown.

Terry just won his fourth straight immunity challenge. He also has his hidden immunity idol. Terry has a car and immunity. Do you know what he does not have? A Blackberry. Shane will always have that to hold over him.

Blah blah blah, lots of boring talk until they get to the vote.

Annoying Courtney got voted off. As long as that leaves crazy Shane, I am a happy lad. Let’s see him text message his way out of this broken alliance situation.

Survivor: Panama-Exile Island

Survivor: Panama-Exile IslandWelcome to yet another week of Survivor: Panama-Exile Island. Remember when I told you I was bored with this show last week? There has to be something equally as boring on TV at the same time as this. Let us switch it up a little next time, hmmmm?

We left off last week with Terry as the last member of his alliance on the island. This ex-NAVY fighter pilot is not going down easy. I will try and find the strength to watch this show in his strength. Also by laughing at the other tribe ripping their own well laid plans apart.

They are having a wonderful conversation about constipation. “You can’t poop,” ask Shane. “Once I was so constipated I thought I was…” “…having a child?” “No, I thought I had appendicitis.” I am eating dinner right now.

Now it is time for the “how well do you know everyone on the island” challenge. Just like all the seasons before it. There has to be a better challenge than this. Have they given up on finding new challenges since season 1?

Ooooh! Shane is going crazy during the challenge! He is getting angry at people. Perhaps this episode will be awesome. Cerice won the reward and gets to bring people with her to eat food and relax. She did not pick Shane to go along. This episode is going to be awesome!

Three people go on the reward. Have fun. Form a new alliance. Same old, same old. Get back to Shane breaking things and kicking sand! He is like a stuck up rock star with no equipment to break.

Courtney, the lazy blonde girl, is going crazy too because everyone revealed that they think she is annoying and fake.

Bruce still can not poop. There will be plenty of poop talk before this episode is over. You can quote me on that. Go ahead, quote me about poop.

Courtney started singing to Bruce. He just said, “Don’t.” If only people at karaoke bars stopped as simply as that.

The Survivor Medical Team came out to help Bruce, who is just in more and more pain. The Survivor Medical Team asked him is he had any prior diseases. Is that not something they should have known? The participants had to sign thousands of pieces of paper before they came on the show, I am sure. One of them must have revealed if they had diabetes or something.

Bruce might have appendicitis. I am hoping it is just too much poop. I know how to solve that!

I do not think Courtney knows what she is saying half of the time. “I want to be on your backside.” Now Shane just threatened to come find her and kill her after the game. Then he said “seriously.” He also overreacted when she overreacted to what he just said he was seriously not joking about. It is like rubbing two sticks of dynamite together to make a fire.

There is a lot of insecure and crazy talking. That is okay. Though I would rather see people physically afraid of Shane. Then Shane would just fall to the ground, and start spinning on his own axis like one of The Three Stooges.

There is no immunity today because Bruce is out of the game. You know, because of his poop problems. His whole colon and digestive system was backed up. Just like John Wayne. Hey that is weird. John Wayne. Bruce. Bruce Wayne. Batman! Batman is going to die from poop! I blame the Joker!

Survivor: Panama-Exile Island

SurvivorEvery show tonight, I get to watch with my lovely wife. Probably because I am not watching C-SPAN or The Weather Channel. To start us off this evening, we have Survivor: Panama-Exile Island. The show starts off with a little “Tonight on CBS” promo. In it, Jeff Probst is standing in a pool of water looking kind of confused. It makes me laugh every week.

If my cheeks look like a chipmunk’s, it is because my wife is stuffing them with McDonald’s french fries. I will not go hungry this winter, with my supply of french fries well hidden.

The young stupid people on this show are really impressed with themselves because they will be taking out an ex-NAVY fighter pilot. They should probably wait before patting themselves on the back so hard. After all, they are cocky and he was in the NAVY.

We are at the point in Survivor where they show everyone their families on video and make them cry. This is really like surviving in the wild. Remember the Donner party? While they were eating other people, they got to play challenges to see members of their family on video. That is documented somewhere, I believe.

The Donner party also had to play games to see who got sandwiches. That is probably true. Snowball fights to see who got to gnaw the meat off the bones were probably very exciting!

In all seriousness, this week’s reward challenge shows the survivors swinging someone on a bungee platform around like a rag doll. They are also trying to stick flags here and there. This is like watching a bedridden Peter Pan with no control over his or her own body.

Shane, the island jerk, has a problem with his penis. He wants the crazy lady who is a nurse to look at it. That seems like a trick. I might have heard that line in a bar once. His man snake was just chaffed. So now he is wearing his shirt as a skirt. To stop chaffing, you know? I might have heard that in a bar once too.

The winners of the reward challenge received their luxury items as well as sandwiches. These are the comfort items that they were allowed to pack, but not take to the island. Someone brought their journal. Courtney brought some things that look like yo-yos. Terry, the NAVY fella, brought the American flag that was on his father’s casket.

Terry is like Rocky. These young punks think they are going to take him down? He had to vote off his own personal Carl Weathers a couple of episodes back. He is going to take his revenge on you metaphorical Russians. Except for Aras, who is Lithuanian. Do not call them Russians. They will get pissed.

Ooooh, there is a little twist to the immunity challenge this week. If they did not fear being voted out, they could skip the challenge and eat hamburgers. The alliance in the minority all choose to do the challenge. Only one person from the majority decided to do the challenge. So the majority basically gave the minority a free immunity. That was dumb as hell. Guess they will not take down the NAVY vet this time.

It is fun when people can not follow up their smack talk. Remember Bode Miller? Like that. It was hilarious to see Bode give up in the middle of his races. This is kind of like that.

Terry now has immunity and the hidden immunity idol. There are plenty of mind games going on now. Nothing like a Mamet script, but mind games none the less.

You know what? I am bored with Survivor. This is the same thing over and over again. Alliances and betrayals and challenges and starving. I have decided this right now. Survivor has gotten boring. If Shane is not yelling about his stump, the wooden stump he sits on or his dangling pink shrimp, then the show just crawls by at a snail’s pace.

Sally, the little girl that nobody pays much attention to, just got voted out. Now it is Terry against everyone. That might be okay. Maybe I am not bored with this show anymore!

No, I am bored.

Make Me Watch TV © 2008 Aric McKeown. All rights reserved. I am not responsible for the content of external sites.