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Supernanny: Larmer Family

SupernannySince time slot winner Plastic Surgery Obsession has been moved to 1am, Supernanny has taken command of the 8pm hour as the first runner up. Thank goodness it beat out a second hour of 7th Heaven.

Remember when I said One Tree Hill had the worst theme song? I was wrong.

I am starting to think that any family with twins is damned to destruction and strife. Are you having twins? Always put one up for adoption. Then prick the one you keep with a pin every so often, just to mess with the other one. They can feel everything the other feels, right?

The Larmer family has 4 screaming kids who like to hit and bounce all over. No physical features to make fun of on the parents. Nothing glaring at least. Hold on, the husband has huge ears and Billy Bob teeth. Now I feel better. Oh, and the wife has a tattoo of a rose on the inside of her left breast. That was a good decision.

The mother doesn’t let the kids out in the backyard too much. You know, because they will get dirty. Maybe she should have though of that before she brought 4 children into the world. She must have been shocked that having the first kid was such a messy process, but she knew what was coming with the other 3.

Grandma doesn’t like to have the kids over because they get their sticky fingers into everything. The grandmother’s voice sounds like a man.

Now the parents are fighting with each other in front of the kids. And the nanny. Oooo, swears too. That is some fine parenting, expanding their children’s vocab like that.

The husband’s left ear sticks out about an inch more than his right ear. A strong wind would spin him around in circles.

The parents have put locks and gates everywhere, to contain the children. Which is actually just laziness. If there were gates for the purposes of a ball pit, that would be fantastic. It is not though.

The mother picks up the children and yells in their face to discipline them, like an ogre without the eating.

On an unrelated note, I do not trust people who walk with their hands clasped behind them. They are up to something nefarious.

Smart move, nanny. She let the children play with washable finger paints outside. It’s dirty, and it can be washed. Do you get that, rose boob? Dirt and paint come off, unlike terrible tattoos.

The mother is trying to sound less like an ogre. It is hilarious, because when she says something nice it sounds terribly sarcastic. Example, like, “that was a fantastic job, Justine.”

Healing has begun between grandmother and mother, locks are coming off the doors, tornados are occurring. Oh, that’s just a local tornado warning. If you live in Fergus Falls, Minnesota, you should be hiding in your basement right now. If you don’t live there, or the time is not right now, please ignore. So 100% of the people reading this can ignore that warning.

Forgiving someone consisted of a, “S’all right, babe.” It’s so heartfelt, it makes me want to cry more than a crashed car full of puppies. Why were those puppies driving a car?

It is time for the nanny to leave, and the parents to revert to their old selves. Then the nanny comes back and tells them that they aren’t doing anything right again. That will be a fun 15 minutes to watch. I wonder what will happen! Oh, just what I said will happen.

Mom locked the kids outside while she cleaned. She locked them outside with the kiddie pool. Did you know that a child can drown in just enough water to cover their mouth and nose? That’s not a tip on how to drown children, mind you.

Nanny came in to solve everything for a second time. It is too bad that the third time is the charm. Not that I want to see more of this show. I have had enough of it. I want to see Supernanny crush a bullet with her eyeball. Or vice-versa. Whatever.


Supernanny: Facente Family

SupernannyUh oh, on Supernanny tonight we’re dealing with an autistic child. This will be much trickier to make fun of. Maybe I’ll just make fun of the twin four year old daughters who are not autistic.

Autistic kid is like a velociraptor. He’s opening doors left and right. He’s trying to get out of the house any chance he gets.

The mother sent the four year old girl outside to watch the three year old autistic boy. The mother pays the kids no attention while dad is at work. Now the autistic boy is using heroin. Not really, but he certainly could if he wanted.

If you had twins when you were 23, why would you turn right around and pop another one out? I say if you haven’t had time to fix the gap in your front teeth, you haven’t had time to pump three kids into the world.

The creepy girl from Invasion is trying to sell me Excedrin. That’s a bad casting choice, Excedrin.

Supernanny is bringing in an expert on autism to help out. Does that mean that Supernanny failed? I’ll say yes. Yes, Supernanny failed.

The dad’s name is Trae. Funny, spell check doesn’t seem to recognize that name. Let me try again. Trae. Nope, nothing. Something is terribly wrong here.

With someone brought in to help with the autistic kid, Supernanny is free to help with non-super things. Like telling the parents to pay attention to their children. She gets paid for this. That’s grand. At least she’s not on welfare. Or whatever they have in the UK.

With Supernanny and her helper gone, it’s time for the parents to fail again on their own and forget everything they learned. Things like “pay attention to your kids.”

What a boring episode. It is like watching marbles learn how to roll down a hill. Nothing was unexpected.

Then again, at least it wasn’t Full House.


Afterthoughts on 7th Heaven and Supernanny

Before you start in on me, I understand that your average viewer of 7th Heaven will know who all the characters on the show are. That would certainly make last night’s episode a little more coherent.

Do you want to know a secret? I am not an average viewer of 7th Heaven. As it were, I was more confused than a fly in a hall of mirrors. Because flies have all of those eyes. All of those eyes plus all of those mirrors, you know. It would get confusing.

7th Heaven made me want to give up, cry, and drink until my retinas detached. It would take a lot of drinking to do that, so you can certainly appreciate the mood I was in. This episode, with it’s 400 plus character talking on cell phones (maybe it was more like 12), showed me what it would be like to have multiple personalities. It sucks. You do not want multiple personalities. If someone asks you if you would like a few extra personalities, for a rainy day perhaps, you run away as fast as your one personality legs can take you.

Supernanny, on the other hand, was full of chaos and yelling. It was much easier to follow than 7th Heaven. Children were roaring like dinosaurs, parents were incompetent, and Supernanny saved the day.

I giggled like a ticklish cop in a feather factory when the children screamed in dinosaur voices. These terrible children need their own talk show. Teenagers taking drugs should at least go to boot camp run by these dinosaur children. They would certainly be scared straight.


Supernanny

SupernannyNow for a super simple show, Supernanny. There is a mommy, a daddy, little children, and a nanny. That is it. Easy to remember. This show has already got many points going for it.

There are three kids. Big, Medium, and Little. Easy to understand!

Little sounds like a dinosaur. A dinosaur that kicks dirt and misses mommy. Hey, Medium sounds like a dinosaur too! Dinosaur children! The future is now! Or the past is now! Little bites the couch when he angry too. The dinosaurs also know how to say “butthead.” This show is awesome!

Dinosaurs go in the breezeway when they are bad. Dinosaurs also eat out about 3 times a week. The people in the restaurants stare. They stare because they have never seen dinosaurs before. Even dinosaurs need nannies.

Nanny has these dinosaurs pegged! She is going to hunt them down and kill them!

Dinosaurs play football and hit their mothers with magic wands. They also have timeout spots.

Really, the dinosaur’s parents are terrible. You can not let a dinosaur walk around and spit out cereal unchecked. They must have boundaries. You see, dinosaurs must sleep in their own bed all by themselves. The can not choose to sleep with their parents. Dinosaurs must be independent. If they are not, they must go to their naughty spot.

The nanny seems impressed when the dinosaurs eat their dinner peacefully.

The daddy is terrible at handling dinosaurs. If the mommy leaves, the dinosaurs go tearing down the driveway, screaming at the top of their lungs. These guys would be great in a horror film. Oh, wait. Jurrasic Park. Damn.

When a dinosaur is playing with toy horses, he will not know when his mommy leaves. This is good information to know.

The nanny is now leaving. I have high hopes that the dinosaurs will rip their parents apart for bringing in a nanny. We will have to read about it in the news.




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