Prison Break: Disconnect

Prison Break won over Charlie Brown today. That makes me sad. No reliving childhood memories for me!

It looks like Michael’s real dad killed his abusive foster father. Michael is a little confused, as he isn’t remembering straight. Like that pink talking cake spouting Communist ideas? What was that all about?

And that girl who was being drown at the end of last episode before they cut away? She’s alive. Obviously. They wouldn’t cut away just to kill her at the beginning of this episode. That’s how TV works. Or, rather, doesn’t work.

Someone is reading his little girl a story about a dragon. Hey, what was the story behind Pete’s Dragon? For some reason, it seems like it was terribly sad.

“We can each sniff out a perp like a hot fart.” That might be the unsexiest thing anyone could every say. Ever.

Crazy FBI agent out to redeem himself found the buzzed head brothers and their father. They got away in a car, with an extra passenger. That extra passenger? A bullet in the father’s belly. Damn stowaways! There aren’t enough oranges for everybody!

Looks like Papa Buzzed Head died pretty quickly. And now the fellow that Michael betrayed for a plane ride out of town is going to give up to the location of this plane to the Feds. Let me see if I predicted that they will miss the plane. “They are going to miss their plane to Panama because the almost disgraced FBI agent will find them and make them miss it.” Yep. That’s right. It looks like I’m repeating myself from week to week. It’s like I’ve been married to myself for 50 years.

LESSON: If you’re on the run from the cops, always have exact change for the pharmacist. Otherwise, they will call the cops while getting you change “from the back.”

The bathtub woman who didn’t die is sewing her wounds up. She is a smart cookie, since going to the hospital would have given her away. The phrase “smart cookie” originated in 1948. Where or how? It looks like it’s a mystery. Probably because no one wants to own up to such a stupid phrase.

I was wrong! The buzzed bros missing the plane on purpose. “Today is the day we stop running.” Those words would be more exciting, if I cared.

The FBI did scramble jets to take out the plane that the bros weren’t on. Jets blowing things up is fun. It’s like an air show, except they aren’t blowing up themselves.

Evil bathtub man, who works for the guberment, is being erased from history. Just like in 1984. The book, not the year. Not JUST like in, but in a similar fashion.

Crazy FBI agent just rammed the buzzed fella’s car. There was fire, which doesn’t make up for not seeing the jet blow up the small plane. Just shut your eyes and imagine how glorious it was.

Prison Break: Bolshoi Booze

With my computer rebooted, I can finally jump into Prison Break just a tad late. Someone taking confession. Is that the right term? You take confession? Does anyone know why it is phrased like that? Leave a comment.

You think I would have learned one character’s name by now. Perhaps I would have learned, if they didn’t whisper all the time. Whispers are hard to hear. That it is best to ignore trees. It’s all whispers with them. And the only thing they ever say is, “I think there might happen to be a squirrel in me.” Dumbass trees. Of course there is a squirrel inside of you.

Whatisname is leaving his son with someone while he continues to run. Poor Whatisname. He wouldn’t have been framed for murder if he didn’t want to be framed for murder. I’m making wild speculation here, but I am absolutely correct in every possible way.

Bolshoi Booze is a tattoo on brother of Whatisname. Flip it over, and the letters are actually numbers. The numbers are actually a GPS location.

Do you think Victoria Secret holds back on push up bra technology, so they can come out with a new model every year? I think they need some competition to spur innovation.

Tattoo brother delivered medical grade nitroglycerin to someone at his GPS coordinates in exchange for a plane ride to Panama. Were you aware that the Panama Canal is no longer owned by the USA? Our lease ran out at the end of 1999.

Postscript, the nitro was fake.

Someone saved Michael. And one of the bad guards who got the entire bag of money was located by the craziest inmate of them all. That’s the one you don’t want to be found by. Oh yeah, and the torture didn’t make him any less crazy.

Brothers, their daddy, and the someone who saved Michael are together. They are going to miss their plane to Panama because the almost disgraced FBI agent will find them and make them miss it.

And someone is being drowned. But she isn’t drown yet, so she’ll be alive next episode. This is less wild speculation, but speculation none the less.

Prison Break: Unearthed

Prison BreakPrison Break won out over How I Met Your Mother for the first time in a couple weeks. That was all baseball’s doing. Hey, is the World Series over? Is it terrible that I have no idea?

The tattooed fellow is on the run in some sort of communal garden. He slipped away from his captors. And his brother who ran off a couple episodes ago finally met up with his son. And the FBI director is upset. And the world keeps turning.

Tattoo bought some clothing in the creepiest voice possible, to which the clerk helped him in the cheeriest voice possible. If that was not meant to contrast in extremes, that is poor acting or casting or writing or all of the above!

Brother and son are toughing it out. They have to ditch their hot ride because they were recognized. Recognized as criminals. Is still ditch my car if anyone recognizes me, even though I am not a criminal. It is the best practice.

Tattoo is impersonating an FBI officer. Doesn’t he know that is illegal? He could end up in prison!

Now the insane guy paid for some flowers but stole some scissors! Jail has hardened these criminals something fierce.

The person that crazy man was looking to murder with stolen scissors moved. It is sad when dreams crumble right before your eyes. Also, the discredited prison guards jumped him. They took a dump on his dreams that were already crumbled. Harsh.

Now fake FBI is harassing real FBI. He is making an obscene phone call to him from his wife’s phone. Or maybe it is because he is whispering. Why the whispering? Did your parents teach you to talk like that?

The guards just ripped apart the stitches that were holding together crazy man’s poor hand. That was wonderfully gruesome. Give me more of that!

This show wouldn’t be that bad, if it weren’t for all the bad parts.

Prison Break: Buried

Prison BreakNothing is easier than getting back into Prison Break after not watching it for a couple of weeks. Are they still in prison? No? I’m so lost.

Crazy reattached hand inmate is holding a sharp object to a lady’s throat. He and a gang of inmates are invading her home because, I think, there are millions of dollars under her home. Too bad her daughter came over, and she is a cop. Don’t worry, the inmates took care of her. Wait, who should I be rooting for?

“The hat’s over the wall.” Is that an inside Prison Break phrase? I’m certain it means that there is no turning back, but it’s not said by anyone else anywhere.

One of the guys who broke free was captured and is being grilled. He knows where the money is, but spitting it out isn’t his idea of fun. Maybe fun for him is a warm bubble bath after walking hand in hand in a cold spring shower.

The governor of Illinois was found hanged in his own home. There’s probably a song about that from Sufjan Stevens. And it’s probably overrated.

For everything that is at stake in this show, it doesn’t feel like things move too fast. The action doesn’t match the possible consequences. At least the feeling of the action doesn’t.

An inmate plans on building a raft to sail from Lake Michigan to Holland, so he can live in a windmill. Your guess is right, he isn’t the one who planned the prison break.

The inmates who are now outmates who aren’t Playmates found the millions of dollars. They are hurrying to get out of there. Hurrying slowly. They are rushed, but seem to be taking their sweet time.

Someone was just murdered by the FBI. That was kind of exciting. Not unexpected as events unfolded, but still exciting. I can’t fault it for not having and deaths and murder.

Prison Break: First Down

Prison BreakIt looks like the criminals from Prison Break have been doing nothing but committing crimes since they busted out. Do you remember The Fugitive TV show? Dr. Richard Kimball was doing nothing but good after he was freed from prison.

A few heads rolled after the massive jail break. I mean, prison break. A few of the disgraced guards are out for revenge. Or money. But really, both.

While the brothers were heading to Mexico, the ex-guards are taking them to Utah where a pile of money is hidden. That would be the only reason to go to Utah.

I wish all of the convicts had stayed together. Instead, they shattered apart like pieces of a wine glass dropped at the dinner party of someone you don’t really know. Don’t you feel like a jerk now?

There are a lot of things I wish for this show. I wish the show only followed the crazy man whose hand got cut off. He had it reattached by a vet. It doesn’t work so well anymore.

Did I forget to mention that the brothers and guards have a girl along with them? They also got a flat tire, so they’ve been spinning their wheels both literally and figuratively.

Insane man got a ride with someone who thought he was a retired Army man. Things were going well until he made a move on his 14 year old daughter. That’s how all conflicts begin. Do you really thing the Civil War was about slavery?

In a twist that didn’t last too long, the brothers plus one got the drop on the guards that were holding them hostage. So far, everything is pretty much like it was at the beginning of the episode.

Another crazy man went down in a hailstorm of bullets. Okay, so one thing changed this episode. They aren’t afraid to kill anyone this second season. Except the brothers. At least one of them will live through the series.

The plus one tried to capture the brothers she was helping, but she didn’t grab the bullets along with the gun. Guns aren’t much use without bullets. Except for putting flowers in. And, really, they make crappy flower pots.

Prison Break: Manhunt

Prison BreakIt’s a new season of Prison Break. From what the recap tells me, the prison has been broken. Tattoo and his gang of friends are on the run.

Now that everyone is out of the prison, they might give up the constant whispering they did so often last season. A bit more action may allow me to hate this show less than I did before.

The prison guards are still hot on the trail of the escaped convicts. In fact, they are only a train’s width away from each other. When they sleep, they are sleeping under the same moon. How romantic!

Ooo, William Fichtner has joined the cast this season. He is an FBI agent who will rub people the wrong way.

The escapees are already up to no good, stealing pic-a-nic baskets. Seriously.

Some lady is stuck in some house with some guy that somehow committed the murder that one of the convicts somehow got framed for. Stuck in the house, meaning locked in a house with glass that is two inches thick. That’s not a train’s width, but it might as well be.

There is another woman that is in the hospital. I think she is the prison nurse. That’s a wonderful job full of fixing cut off toes and taking things out of people’s behinds.

The convicts now have a minivan or something of the sort. They are probably going to soccer practice. They just need some pastel cardigans and they’ll be all set.

Hey, there is a hand in that cooler that isn’t attached to the cooler carrier’s arm.

The convicts who aren’t missing a hand are digging up a grave. For everything that is going on, Prison Break still feels like a snail riding a turtle.

The new SAAB was created by 60 aircraft engineers. “Their spirit lives on.” So they must have all died while creating the car. That’s kind of sad.

A bag of clothes were buried in the grave. That is the most boring thing that could possibly be buried in a grave. Actually, a DVD of the first season of Prison Break would be pretty boring too.

The girl trapped in the house is now trapped in a body bag after bullets got trapped in her head and chest. I could honor her memory by finding out who she was, but I won’t.

Okay, listen up. Prison Break is better than it was last season. I’m not sure how much better. I am still skeptical. I want to believe.

Prison Break

Prison BreakPrison Break saved me from another terrible viewing of 7th Heaven tonight. It starts off with a truck accident. Someone fell out of the prison truck. Someone tried to smother the guy in the prison truck. Someone knocked out the guy who tried to smother the guy from the prison truck. Kind of makes you wish I knew the names of characters, huh?

Did you know that it is TV Turnoff week? I should be out SK8ING with my pals right now!

It appears that the big crazy man, from the first couple of episodes, is back. He is also a born again Christian now. This puts a damper on the whole breaking out of prison scheme.

I will assume the prisoner from the earlier crash was the fellow on death row. Now he is on the run. A fugitive, if you will. The fugitive. He is no David Janssen though. Or Harrison Ford. Or Timothy Daly. Actually, he probably is a Timothy Daly.

Oh yeah, I forgot that everyone talks in whispers on this show. Less is more sometimes. Less is not more all the time.

A young fellow just got it up the poop shoot from an old fat man who looks like a drunken Sean Connery. There has been a surprisingly small amount of rear entrance action for a show that takes place in prison. Not that I want to see more of it. Just an observation. Not that I am observing it.

Now the guy who beat up the other guy who was trying to kill the fugitive, he is the fugitive’s father. I know, because the fugitive saw him, and he whispers, “Dad?” He whispered really good. It sounded just like a whisper.

Oh no! His dad worked for the same guys the fugitive pissed off. Now they are pissed off at both of them. I have a feeling the guy who tried to smother the fugitive is one of those mystery pissed off guys. They might not be mysterious. I do not know who they are though. They are a mystery to me.

Ooooh, young guy might have just castrated creepy Sean Connery. There was screaming and birds flying away from the screaming. Hey, screaming! That is not whispering!

Things seem to be getting done this episode. There is a lot of plot that I am not following. It is probably really good and interesting. I am concentrating more on calling people “guy” this and “guy” that. That also means I have not had time to concentrate on the women. Believe it or not, they are more boring than the depressed prisoners in matching outfits.

There is a huge wound on the fugitive’s head. You think his dad would have done something about that. He probably is not a very good parent. Wounds cause gangrene. Now the fugitive is caught again. That was a fun part of an episode. Now it is back to breaking out of prison. The show is not called We Should All Run Away From Prison Now, after all.

One nice thing about this show, it is very easy to tell the difference between the inmates and the guards. So there is something positive for you.

Tattoo guy wants to bring the young Sean Connery ball cutter into the prison break inner circle. You can always use a ball cutter in your inner circle. Whenever I ask if anyone will cut some balls for me, everyone is suddenly interested with the top of their shoes. We need more ball cutters in this day and age.

Aw no! Ball cutter told the prison guard on Tattoo! Now it will be even harder to escape from prison! Good ball cutters are hard to find.

Afterthoughts for Prison Break and 24

Last night I was forced to watch FOX’s Super Action Drama Thriller Monday, or whatever they call it. Every night with a theme needs a name. It might all go back to ABC’s crapfest that was TGIF. “These shows are all terrible! We should put them on Fridays when kids can stay up late and parents can get drunk,” said the ABC executives in a very important meeting.

Thriller Monday on FOX was exactly half bad. I sat down for two hours to watch Prison Break and 24 back to back. As right as it seems to pair these shows together, they are total opposites.

Prison Break depends greatly on drawing out the limited time that they have. In other words, it is so very slow. The pace is close to unbearable. The show takes a long time to do anything, with very little urgency, and in hushed tones.

Literally hushed tones. There must be a voice coach on this show, and he only says two things. “Can you say that quieter and with less feeling,” and “Can you lower your voice an octave or two?” Would it kill anyone to say something in a normal tone of voice? Is talking quietly and low a prison rule that I do not know about? Clue me in here.

In stark contrast, 24 gets things done. It also includes both yelling and whispering! Here are a few action packed examples from the show.

Jack Bauer is interrogating someone. Jack Bauer punches a good guy and gets tazered. Jack Bauer punches another good guy. Jack Bauer threatens a detainee. Jack Bauer saves someone from torture. Jack Bauer is in a helicopter. Jack Bauer repels from a helicopter. Jack Bauer shoots a bunch of guys. Jack Bauer causes a natural gas distribution center to explode. Jack Bauer runs back towards the explosions to beat up a terrorist.

That is just one character’s storyline! There are a ton of other characters on the show who have things going on as well.

I am sure all of these 24 revelations are old news to almost everyone but me. I have never watched it because I wanted to start at the very beginning with Season 1. Everyone already knows how great the show is. You are all reading this thinking “Duh, idiot. We already got together and decided that this show was awesome.”

Apologies all around for being so behind the times. Hopefully my simple observations from a new viewers perspective have helped you see a few things clearly in the show you love.

As for Prison Break, it can eat a pound of glass and laxatives for all I care. It is tired and predictable with nothing to spur on the drama aside from musical cues.

Thanks for voting for these shows. I am really happy to have watched 24 and pleased to confirm that Prison Break sucks.

Make sure to keep voting. Seriously. Gilmore Girls is winning for tonight. You people are evil bastards! Thanks!

Prison Break

Prison BreakTonight I am being forced to watch Prison Break. I tried watching this show a few times when it began last year, but gave up. Three episodes of everyone talking in grumpy whispers got on my nerves. Maybe that is a lame thing to base my opinion on. Obviously, I do not care if it lame to base my opinion on that.

Here we all are though. Me watching a show I gave up on. You reading about me watching a show that lost my good faith. Here we go.

A warning about graphic content, hmmm? That is a good start.

They are recapping what I have missed. Everyone is still talking in nothing but grumpy whispers. Speak up and be happy! I suppose being lead into the death chamber is not a time for singing and dancing, but that did not stop Björk.

Surprise, he did not get executed yet. Who knew something would happen to stop it? “Not me,” he said with sarcasm.

Oh yeah, so Prison Break is this. Guy X gets framed for murder and goes to jail. Guy Y built the prison or helped redesign it or something. He get a crazy idea to get incarcerated and then break his brother, Guy X, out from the inside before he is executed. There, you know about as much as I know now.

So Guy X, I will learn his name soon enough as long as they do not whisper it, was about to be executed but a judge called to stop the execution at the last moment. That is because new evidence has been found in his case. “How much time do we have,” asks Guy Y. I know the answer! Enough time for another season of Prison Break.

More whispers in deep voices. Even the women in this show have deep voices.

I have figured out an equation that will help me figure out who is who in this show.

Men in nice suits = Bad

There is a shot of the tattoos. Guy Y, who helped build the prison, got tattoos all over his body that are artistic blueprints of the prison. That sounded like a nice premise for a show. That is why I tuned in the first time.

Oooh, commercials. I am excited to see Slither.

The break-out-of-prison plans have changed. Now they have to dig through the psych ward. Or something. The guy with the soul patch must have seen a few prison movies, because he thinks they can sneak out in a laundry cart. No, not Howie Mandel. No, not me. The guy in Prison Break. Try and keep it together, will you?

Here is another equation for the show.

Drums = drama is happening

Now there is drama about Guy X thinking he saw his father in the execution watching room. I guess he has been gone for a long time. So it is something that is really important. I do not care.

More drums.

Guy Y, I will call him Tattoo Nuts. Tattoo Nuts had to dress like a guard to sneak into the psych ward after hours. He needs to check out the plumbing as an escape option. Since he is in the psych ward, it is supposed to be scary. No drums. Just a low pulsing hum. Soooo….

Low pulsing hum = scary

Oh, there are drums. Drums and the pulsing hum. Scary drama! Oh no!

They just tore some of Tattoo Nuts’ skin off because it was stuck to his clothes. That skin will be a very important part of the tattoo map. I am calling that right now.

Michael! Tattoo Nuts’ name is Michael. He is groggy.

Lincoln. Guy X is named Lincoln. He is dreaming about his dad.

Oh no! Men in nice suits looking at survivance cameras. Something evil must be happening.

The cliffhanger is what I guessed 15 minutes ago, about the blueprints being ruined. Good work, Prison Break. I was really surprised.

So to recap, drums, evil, whispers, whispers, grumbles, whispers, pulsing hum, whispers. Stop boring me, Prison Break.

I am proud that I learned the two main characters names. Gold star for me!