Scripps 2006 National Spelling Bee hogs the spotlight this evening, eating up my entire two hours of TV viewing.

Mind you, I am a terrible speller. That won’t stop me from making fun of the kids who get complex words incorrect. It also won’t stop me from drinking every time someone gets a word wrong.

This is the final two hours of the spelling bee. It has been going on all day long. We are down to the final 13 contestants.

I have never been in a spelling bee. Not even a classroom spelling bee. Am I in the minority? The commentator seems to think that everyone has been in a spelling bee at one time or another.

There is only one home schooled child left. I feel sorry for the home schooled kid. They never got to experience the social enigma that is public school. They never gotten a boner in the front of a class room full of kids and never get to be called “gay” in gym class. Hmmm, that doesn’t sound too bad, actually.

The first word is “exergue.” Awww, home schooled seems nervous, but he got it right. Heck, he didn’t even wait for the bell. That kid has balls.

Second word, “knaidel.” The word is easily destroyed by the last Canadian in the group. They aren’t passive when it comes to spelling. Or sub-par bacon.

Third word, “nauruz.” Ding! And then there were 12. He got taken out on a Persian word.

“Mandilion” comes next. Success. That should give me time to get another beer. Don’t tell anyone, but I had most of this one finished before we started.

“Gematrial” follows. This gal is spelling it out on her hand. That’s smart. Oh, but she got it wrong. The youngest gets knocked out of the competition. Ding!

“Rubasse” is given not more that a passing though, as Mr. Confident easily spells the word and walks away.

Has anyone heard these words in a sentence before? If so, did you punch the person who used it in a sentence?

This next speller says she got most of her confidence from sailing. Sailing? That’s as bad as owning a horse. I hope she goes down.

Man, those Greeks made up a lot of words. “Synusia” gives sailing girl no problems at all.

“Epityphlitis” is yet another word of Greek origin. It means appendicitis. Why are there two words for the same thing? We are not Eskimos!

Another hand spelling gal is given “hechsher.” Ding! After a long delay! They didn’t hear it right the first time. That has to make your stomach drop. If you are spelling, that is. Mine dropped due to the weight of more alcohol.

“Mithraeum” has to do with an oriental mystery cult. Oriental mystery cult? That sounds like fun! Ding! And the mystery cult makes me drink.

“Giocoso” is up next. It doesn’t start with a “j.” Silly child! I knew you would make me drink after the first second!

“Escargotiere” follows with a little lady who was spelling on her arm.

“Wehrmacht” gives the final speller of the round no trouble, and we are down to 8 spellers. 5 spells went down in a blaze of glory. I will pour out a little beer out for them on the curb. No I won’t.

Hey now, they just reinstated the girl that they took a long time to decide on. She got her word correct. Now there are 9 spellers. She seems happy. I hope she beats sailboat girl.

This home schooled fellow sounds like he doesn’t have any friends. His word is “kamaaina.” He asked what the word is about 10 times now. All to great effect, because he got it correct.

“Formenkreis” is thrown to the ground and body slammed by the next speller. There was no blood.

“Lophophytosis” tries to bring the hurt, but gets gutted like a fresh trout.

“Babism” jumps too high on its parent’s bed and gets decapitated by the ceiling fan.

Sailor girl gets “towhee” as her word. The word drowns in a pool of its own bile.

“Coryphaeus” is slain by an emotionless young lad. The word’s blood tastes bitter on his sword.

“Sphacelated” is next for the girl who got accidentally kicked out. She deals with the next word like it were a trusting lamb.

A vacant eyed girl gets “collyrium.” It is an eye lotion. Eye lotion is much easier to spell, even with a space in there. And she’s outta here! Ding!

“Paillon” takes another out, as the speller takes the time limit down to the last few seconds. Ding! He was working in abbreviated time, as he went past the time limit a couple times earlier today.

And then there were 7.

New beer, new round. Let’s go on to round 10!

Home school steps to the plate, “sciolto” is pitched, he swings away, and strikes out. Ohh, home school. Na na na na. Na na na na. Hey. Hey. Hey! See you later. Ding!

The Canadian gets “guilloche” which is possibly from a French name. Surprise, surprise. The Canadian gets the French word right. Get your own language already!

“Kilim” is driven out into the desert and thrown into a shallow grave.

Home school credits his success to “God, maybe?” Awesome.

“Yizkor” tries to attack someone in the shower, but is shot by a sheriff hiding behind the toilet. What? That doesn’t make any sense.

Sailboat is given “shedu,” and makes it walk the plank. There were no sharks in the water, but there was a lot of Eurasian watermilfoil.

“Appenzell” has two Ps, fool! I knew that! Because it was on the screen. But still. Ding!

“Croquignole” is given to the girl who got back in, and she snapped its neck while she whispered how sorry she was in its ear.

On to round 11.

The sole Canadian gets “douane,” which also has French connections. If a Canadian wins, we must all hang out heads in shame and vow not to watch any John Candy movies for two months.

“Syringadenous” is the next word. Ouch, that’s a tough word. I’m getting ready to drink. It is “of or relating to the sweat glands.” Ohh, ding! Come here, Grain Belt Premium.

The number one favored speller gets “heiligenschein.” DING! Awww no! DING! Now there are only 3 players left. All girls. One a Canadian, one a sailor, and one who got eliminated but then un-eliminated.

Sailor spells “hukilau” without error. I have a feeling she might not go down with the ship.

“Austausch” gives un- eliminated girl no problems. It dances on one side of the dance floor, too nervous to ask for her number.

Now they move on to the 25 championship words. Championship words? I don’t like the sound of that. The Canadian goes first.

“Dasyphyllous” means thick or thickly set. The Canadian thickly sets the word 6 feet under.

“Clinamen” shoots a cannonball at the sailor, and misses by a mile.

That other girl gets “icteritious” and fails. Awww, that is the second ding she has heard tonight. Ding!

Oh no, who do I cheer for? The sailor or the Canadian? I don’t want either to win!

“Machicotage” is served cold to the Canadian. She cooks it up and eats its soul.

The pirate brings “recrementitious” on board as a crew member, and swabs the deck with it.

To start round 14, the Canuck gets “esquisse” and smacks it’s French behind until it is red and chapped.

The girl with scurvy gets “psittacism” and spits it out like all fruits that contain vitamin C.

“Maieutic” gives the hockey loving northerner no trouble, unlike saying the combination of the letters “ou” in a word.

“Aubade” is shot in the head by the merciless sea captain.

“Poiesis” is wiped from existence by the Mountie.

“Kanone” is ripped to shreds by the girl. You know, that one girl.

“Tutoyer” is eaten whole by the Canadian. You can still hear it in her stomach.

“Izzat” is shanghaied by its ruthless captor.

“Koine,” a non-French origin word, gives the lass from the Great White North no problem.

The water bearer gets “tmesis.” She gets it without issue. How can anything be spelled like that?

“Weltschmerz” is a depressing word that does NOT start with a “v!” It’s German, for Pete’s sake! Of course it starts with a “w!” I wouldn’t have gotten the rest of the word right, but I would have gotten the first letter. Ding!

Now the drunken sailor must spell two words to win. “Kundalini” is completed. What about “ursprache?” Done without issue. The peg leg American won! Good work, America! Good work.

To end the evening, let us check how many of these spelling words Microsoft Word recognizes.

It recognized 7 words out of the 52 given. Microsoft Word would not win the spelling bee.