I enjoy House in the same way I like Cheerios. I know what I’m going to get, and I enjoy it. Sure, you can mix it up with the taste of nuts and honey. But it is still Cheerios. And that isn’t bad.

Biff Tannen is the pit chief or whatever you call them for a drag racer with issues. Is anyone home, McFly? It’s heatstroke! Of course, it is infinitely more complex.

This season, Dr. House is trying to hire a new crew. He is testing a whole classroom out. But that doesn’t matter nearly as much as what is wrong with the drag racer. No matter what crazy plot goes on between the classroom, you can still focus on the patient with the problem.

Coach Ben Fredricks is seriously worried about his daughter, but never you mind that. House is helping the CIA for some reason. Unmarked helicopters and everything. They are trying to figure out why a 180 pound man now looks like a zombie. They figure an assassination attempt. Zombies are, technically, the undead.

Back to the spawn of Tom Wilson, she can’t feel her legs. That will make driving cars more than a little difficult. I would set up a Rube Goldberg machine to drive the car. Lighting a candle would burn a string the brings a chestnut down in front of a squirrel in a wheel that turns on a light bulb which attracts and kills 10 ounces of bugs that sets off a scale which then turns the car right. Stepping on the gas is something way more complicated.

The race car driver has polio. There hasn’t been a case in the US for 20 years. And now there has been. Well, a fictional one. But that’s as good as real, right?

Both sets of doctors are trying experimental treatments. I imagine one will fail and the other will succeed. Actually, I’ll change that to both failing. High doses of vitamin C curing polio?

Looks like I was wrong. I still maintain that high doses of vitamin C is good for nothing. I’ll stick to my water that vibrates at healing frequencies, thank you very much.

Haha. I was right! She didn’t have polio. She was poisoned by the guy who wants to cure polio in undeveloped countries. He faked polio in her. Vitamin C, pfah. This vibrating water is so good.

Also, CIA doctor wants to join House’s team. There is a little more plot for you next episode.

House is stuck doing clinic duty and testing for STDs. Then a crazy man grabbed his head and started running around the lobby. Unless his head really does hurt. Then he isn’t crazy. Just right.

Crazy man had a cockroach in his ear. It was biting him. Maybe it was a zombie cockroach! It wanted brains!

Oddly enough, House doesn’t have a case yet. Clinic duty is the case this episode. This is a fine departure from the standard formula. We get to dive a little more deeply into House’s brain.

There are a couple of patients. House is dealing with a rape victim who wants to be seen only by House. Cameron is treating a homeless man with an inoperable tumor. Now that House isn’t under investigation by the police, they must need a new sub plot.

The raped girl just wants to talk. Life is just a series of rooms, or something like that. And who you get stuck in those rooms with is what matters.

And now House has to tell her that she’s pregnant.

If there are no answers, why talk about it? House is so right and so wrong. He likes facts, but not personal conversation.

Now they’re talking about God and not God. This is pretty heavy for a Tuesday. And so far away from funny Thursday.

New House, new House! Thank goodness the winter TV siesta is coming to a close.

The starts off with a fireman by a blazing fire who collapses because he is freezing. Hey, did House agree to go into treatment at the end of last episode? Hold on, it’s coming to me. Okay, he tried to go to treatment and make a deal with the cop. But House was past the time alloted for the deal. I think we’re on pretty even footing now. We should continue forward.

House plead not guilty to, ummmmm, pill illegal takey take. You know, if you want to get all technical.

The patient is now seeing blue. I can see blue too! I’m totally sick! Now they think he has menopause. Ummmm. Maybe I’m not sick.

House checked himself into rehab so he looks like crap for his trial. That House is a smarty. Oh, but he has to accept God in step 2. You know, because there is no such thing as free will.

Blue seeing menopause heart attack guy is having heart attacks when he is near his partner. I have heart attacks when I’m near clams. It’s weird.

Blue man, with his high estrogen levels, is having heart attacks because he is in love with his partner who is engaged to his brother. The solution, electroshock therapy! What becomes of the broken hearted? Now we know.

The electroshock therapy would erase all of his memories. Not just of his lady crush. It’s Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind with no ending of hope.

The guy’s brother wasn’t engaged to the girl. Some spinal thingy was lowering blood flow to the brain and creating false memories.

Everything was solved everywhere. Hooray House.

House is new! And you voted for it! That can only mean that Veronica Mars isn’t on. House complements the Grinch perfectly!

Wilson ratted on House last episode, so the cops are on him about his pain pill popping. He can go to rehab or jail. “Your principals or your life.” Wow, this is just like The Fountainhead.

House has a sick dwarf as his patient this episode. And it Christmas. So bring along your bag of insensitivity! We’re going in!

Until House accepts the NARC’s deal for treatment, he can’t practice medicine and he is not being given any pain medication. Really, can a dead muscle be any more painful the the dark pit of the human soul?

Wow, sad. I should give out a few warm fuzzies.

The dwarf girl just spit up blood. Blood should never come out of the mouth. Eyes, yes. Mouth, never.

House is getting desperate. He is going to other clinics to trick them into giving him drugs. It isn’t working out so well. It’s not like Halloween. Then you can get tons of different drugs handed out by clinics. Just make sure your costume is something adorable.

Now House just tried to steal drugs from a dead man. He’s no David Blaine! Street magic!

The dwarf was cured. Then blood started coming out of everywhere. Including the mouth!

The girl isn’t a dwarf, and House cured her. She’s also cured of being a dwarf. House must be riding a huge high….oh, he tried to kill himself. Nevermind.

Tonight’s viewing of House, M.D. is sponsored by Bobbi Jo! Thanks so much, Bobbi Jo! Let us enjoy the story of a 600 pound man together! The firemen cutting him out of his apartment thought he was dead. They found out he was not after he farted. Did you know dead people can’t fart? You can thank Bobbi Jo for that knowledge.

House got thrown into the slammer at the end of the last episode. Also, the fat guy has low cholesterol and regular blood sugar levels. Why the coma? Why not the coma? Sounds like a nice break from reality.

The 600 pound man came out of his coma while his head was stuck in an MRI machine that is only built to withstand 450 pounds. What happens when a 600 pound man starts freaking out in a one million dollar machine that isn’t designed to hold him? Remember when the Titanic hit that 600 pound plus iceberg? It’s a little like that.

Awake and alert, the fat guy wants to go home. Wait, can I call him fat? I know he is 600 pounds, but is it the ratio of his weight to the average weight that defines him as fat? How white can do I need to be before it is okay to call me “cracker?” Heck, you can do it now. Who am I kidding?

Not one to take a wheelchair all the way to the curb, fatty got up and started walking out while still in the hospital. Then he fell through a window with Cameron. That is not a euphemism. But it will be now. “Sorry, gents. Can’t stay out at the pub any longer. I need to get home and ride the fat man through the window.” Yeah, this is going to catch on.

Remember that Titanic example I used early? Think of that iceberg having brain surgery and freaking out in the middle of it. That sounds like the beginning of a demented children’s story. It will teach kids not to freak out during brain surgery.

Turns out the now blind fat man has lung cancer which caused his coma and blindness. That isn’t a happy ending. Also, House is in trouble with the law. That was a subplot. It was interesting, but not as noteworthy as the large man.

It’s time for a new season of House, which I couldn’t be happier about. I have caught up on all the episodes of House from season one and two, and am happy to see what insanity this new pain-free House brings to the table.

The patient this episodes drives his electric wheelchair into the deep end of his swimming pool at a pool party.

It’s a shame that we have seen House running pain-free in every single promo leading up to this episode. It would be nice if it was a surprise. Like Mini Me in Austin Powers. How hilarious would that revelation have been if you didn’t know it was coming.

That being said, my wife was shocked that House was running.

House has taken two cases, the diving wheelchair fella and a yoga girl who became a paraplegic with no visible spinal damage.

Doctor House is still grumpy and sarcastic, but he’s being a little nicer to his patients. Except the ones who are faking their paralysis. Those he burns. No fooling, boys and girls. It’s the old witch test.

Oh yeah, House didn’t die. You know, since he got shot last season. I just wanted to make sure you knew. You were probably concerned. After all, zombies can jog. They can probably treat patients with hostility too. They make great brain surgeons though.

The faking yoga girl isn’t faking it. She has blood in her heart. Or something more dramatic. It looked like blood. I like blood on my toast in the morning. Or strawberry jelly. Whatever it is, it’s red.

They yoga girl had scurvy. Scurvy! How do I love this show? Let me count the ways. Pirates. There’s more, but that’s a big point.

Now the wheelchair bound vegetable is trying to talk. House has his hands full this episode. Heck, he even asked out Cameron.

House even tried to be a sk8r, right before his leg started to hurt a little.

House’s meetings with his co-workers are taking place outside, where there is sun and laughter and trees made of candy. He is still trying to kill his patients though. So much for some sort of environment based mood disorder to explain his grump.

Everyone in the hospital learns that, yet again, House is always right. But he doesn’t know he cured his patient. Wilson wants it kept a secret, so House doesn’t become even mightier than he already is.

And thus, House falls back into taking pain killing drugs. Oh Wilson, what happened to you? You are more than a volleyball.

Hey, I watched this episode of House last night with my wife. Of course, I’ll take any opportunity I can get to see someone’s eye pop out and sack explode.

My video software is all herky jerky for some reason. I restarted my computer, but it’s still having a seizure. Now I can be like House. I need to where what the problem is. It is probably a clot in the computer’s brain.

House got shot, the whole thing is a dream, there is a guy with a tongue the size of a zucchini is exploding every which way, you know the drill.

I think the problem was a full hard drive. Maybe if I clear away some of these Good Eats episodes. Time for a hard drive biopsy.

Damn, still problems. Come on computer. I didn’t do anything weird to you. Why you gotta be like that?

Oh no! Here comes the ball exploding! Everyone cover your eyes.

I cleared up files on my hard drive, computer! That was clearly the problem. Do you need a bandage? House, help me out here! Wait, you are shot. You are no help at all.

Wait a second, all of this is probably a hallucination! Too many things don’t make sense! Computers just don’t randomly crap out. Snap out of this haze, Aric!

Nuts to this. If I keep watching TV as it keeps freezing, I’m going to throw up. I’ll try and get it fixed for tomorrow, boys and girls. Sorry about that.

Whew, it came down to the wire, but House, M.D. tied Kathy Griffin Is…Not Nicole Kidman. I’ll give you one guess at which show I am choosing to watch. Also, I got to watching TV a little late because of birthday business. But remember I watched TV for three hours yesterday? So, we’re all square now. You hear? Good. Now let’s get on to grumpy doctors!

House is treating a fellow with a swollen tongue…oh no! House just got shot! I thought this was a rerun. Looks like we are at the beginning of a season thrill-nale. Thrill-nally. Fin-thrill-ality. I can’t think of a good made up word, so we’ll stick with season finale.

The fellow who shot House is a former patient. I am not recalling this. Even if I had seen an episode with this patient, I can assure you I would not remember it. No, the former patient stated his relationship very plainly.

House is alive, and he’s still trying to solve the swollen tongue guy’s problem. This is bugging me because my tongue has been all sensitive and bumpy today. Maybe the show is trying to tell me something. Is my tongue trying to kill me?

The shooter wanted to see House live so he would suffer. In response to this, House shut off the shooter’s morphine. House is one bad mama jama.

Okay, the story went like this. Man wife sick. Man admit affair to House. Affair not help with diagnosis. House cure wife. Wife learn about affair from House. Wife kill self. Man shoot House. Caught up? Good. The tongue guy’s eye just popped out because too much blood built up behind it. Can’t say I was expecting that.

When they opened House up, they messed with some brain slash light coma stuff to cure his pain. He’s walking without a cane, his stitches don’t bother him, and he is seeing people that aren’t there. Whoops, that’s a side effect.

This is the grossest episode of House, M.D. ever. When they ask the post-op swollen tongue eye popped guy if he can urinate, you know something bad is going to happen. So he starts yelling, “Athmameang,” which means “It’s swelling.” Doctor goes down to take a look. Blood filled scrotum explodes in doctor’s face. It is almost like it is some elaborate prank. They should sell it in joke stores. I have cringed so many times this episode!

House is certainly losing his mind. None of us can be sure that anything we have seen so far is real. Hopefully that means blood ball explosions aren’t real either. That would ease my attempts to sleep tonight.

Whew, it was all a fever dream or something. House beat his own mind and regained consciousness. But he is also still very much shot. Oh House, I bet you’re grumpy about being shot.