Ghost Whisperer: Voices

Ghost WhispererGhost Whisperer returns to my viewing schedule this week. It’s a bitter sweet return, since the show is horrible. It is better than watching Almanac though.

A car was stolen, the punk kid who stole it was caught, and he had a little stare down with Jennifer Love Hewitt. On the way home in the newly recovered car, Hewitt and hubby start hearing spirit voices. EVP, you know, electronic voice phenomenon? It’s when you accidentally record something that sounds like a human voice, so you think it’s a ghost. It is not a ghost.

Let’s see if we can’t find something to hinder the EVP investigation this episode. Oh good, hubby’s mother is visiting. The mother also brought her “boyfriend.” Oh no, how uncomfortable! That will be an annoying and tired little sub-plot device.

Luckily for Hewitt, there is an EVP expert near by! He found out that the ghost voices are saying “I am waiting for you.” They might just be trying to sing a romantic love song to her. That would explain why she is getting a headache every time it starts happening. It sounds like a pretty stupid love song.

Hewitt then went into the woods at night, like the voices have been telling her to do. If you hear voices that tell you to go into the woods…you know, I don’t even have to tell you. It’s common sense.

All the electrical appliances in the house are going off, like in Close Encounters of the Third Kind. I don’t want to use the same adjective twice in the same review, but it is tired! Tired!

So car stealing kid’s mother passed away. Ahhh, that explains the electric ghost. Mystery solved. Oh, wait, except for the fact that the kid’s father must have killed her. Mystery solved! But there is still a half an hour left. Why can’t I reach into the TV and give Hewitt the answers?

Why is Hewitt so boring? Her character is just so boring!

Rats, I was wrong. The kid’s mother died while she was fooling around with another man in the woods. She fell down a well and was electrocuted. Wow, tough break. Her son is all disillusioned because she was having an affair. Now he is squandering his talent. Boo hoo hoo. Grab me a bucket, because I have enough tears to solve the drought problems in a few third world countries.

EMT hubby dug up some dirt on his mother’s “special friend.” That’s the sub-plot, remember? I don’t care about that. Neither should you.

The electro ghost mom wants Hewitt to find the red glove. It’s a damn book. And it probably sucks. She can’t cross over because she wants her son to publish his stupid book? It’s about a young man who doesn’t know how to tell his father that he is gay. Golly, do you think that symbolizes something?

Sub-plot sub-plot sub-plot.

Kid’s trying to burn down his mother’s lover’s house. Hewitt comes in to save the day. More tears. I grab another tear bucket. Where should I ship this bucket of tears to? The land of “Who Cares?” That was terrible. Sorry for not being witty enough.

Ghost Whisperer

Ghost WhispererThere is only one way to deal with a show as bad as Ghost Whisperer. That is to drink. Tonight, my good friend Red Stripe will hold my hand through the land of mediocrity.

I can tell from the title of this episode, it has to do with Melinda’s first ghost. For, you see, it is called Melinda’s First Ghost. That is probably the name of Jennifer Love Hewitt’s character. I was so taken in by her giant teeth, I did not notice what her name was during my last two viewings. Tonight I have it. Melinda!

Melinda had one of her “scary” metaphorical dreams. Her dreams are about as shallow as metaphorical dreams can be.

Think about it as cracking a code. When you were a kid, you could write codes where A=D, B=E, C=F, and so on. You simply spin the alphabet around. It is a very simple cipher. You can get much more complex, using a phrase as a clue to unlocking your secret code. These dreams are the stupid simple codes you used when you were six years old. Nothing complex or interesting in the least.

Sorry, that was a long analogy. I think I need to drink some more.

Melinda’s first ghost was a little school friend. Melinda thought she was alive, because she did not know she could see dead people yet. That is probably pretty confusing for little girl Melinda. The ghost girl is probably confused as well. If she was dead for real, I would not make fun of her wide face. But this is just a TV show. She is an actress. The dead girl has a wide face.

Melinda is married. Did you know that? It does not come up much in the show, except when she is sleeping or having breakfast.

Melinda is wearing an outfit that makes her look like a skanky goth grandmother. That probably is not the look the producers were going for.

The little ghost girl is not going into the light because she is worried about her parents splitting up. It is too late. They already split. Just tell the ghost girl and problem solved, right?

Uh oh, that beer only lasted a half hour. Time for another. You see, killing these brain cells might just help me enjoy Ghost Whisperer.

Melinda has to talk to ghost girl’s parents for some reason. She is going the complex way. Come on, just tell here that her parents are divorced and let us get on to the next show.

Ghost girl stopped the elevator so Melinda can convince her father that she can see his dead daughter. Did that sentence make much sense? It is time to stop the play by play of this stupid show. Let us go with some gut reactions. Drunken gut reactions.

This show is a lot better if you pretend Jennifer Love Hewitt is crazy and is imagining everything.

Bears using toilet paper! That little cartoon bear has to pinch an adorable loaf!

It is bed time. Melinda’s husband makes a rare appearance. He is like a jackalope. I had some reasoning behind that comment. Booze, tell me what I was thinking. What, you have no answers? Maybe there are some answers at the bottom of your bottle.

There is yet another goth grandmother outfit. I do not think even fire could rid the world of it’s awfulness.

Through some fancy talk, Melinda got both dead girl’s mother and father under the same roof. Now I am thinking of Cat Fancy. As if someone who really loved cats did not have enough going against them, they have to buy a magazine with such a stupid name. Fancy? It sounds like it should be in a Monty Python sketch. “Do you…fancy cats, eh? Wink wink, nudge nudge?”

JLH solved everything. Ghost girl can begin Crossing Over and her parents forgave each other. There is still a subplot between Melinda and her mother going on. Remember me not mentioning that at all? That is because it is even more boring than the main plot.

Ugh, this show is not getting better with time. It is the opposite of wine. It is time to sober up and watch some cartoons!

Ghost Whisperer

Ghost WhispererOn all of the radio interviews I did this week, I made the mistake of mentioning that I hated Ghost Whisperer. It seems that you were listening too well. If I were a smarter man, I would have told you that I hated The Daily Show, which is not true. Now I have buried myself in my own grave, and only Jennifer Love Hewitt can see me. She needs to help me cross over, because I have unfinished business with every one of you that voted for Ghost Whisperer.

Katey Sagal is the owner of a comedy club in this episode. She has done pretty well for herself post Married With Children. Futurama, 8 Simple Rules… for Dating My Teenage Daughter, and a couple of Lost episodes. Good for her. Oh, but she is in Ghost Whisperer. Bad for her.

It looks like this comedy club is haunted. Jennifer Love Hewitt, who gets nervous when she does not see ghosts, is now nervous that she is seeing ghosts. The writers really have a handle on her character. She is this, but she is also that. I bet she runs for President next episode.

Katey Sagal is selling the comedy club and moving on. Jennifer Love Hewitt runs the local antique store, so she gets all the neat old stuff from the club. Now her keys are floating in a fish tank. Spooky!

So with the comedy antiques at Hewitt’s store, the comedy ghost has come along too. Now the ghost is spilling coffee, rearranging furniture, and breaking glasses. Who ever heard of a mischievous ghost before? That is absurd and an entirely new idea.

The empty comedy club is now full of ghosts enjoying themselves. Performing and laughing. Having a good old time. Who knew that empty mansions were not scary places? It is the comedy club that you really would not want to spend one night alone in.

There is one particular loner comedy ghost that no other ghosts really know. He is the one causing trouble. It looks like someone murdered him and dumped him in the river.

Did I just write “loner comedy ghost?” Man, this show is stupid.

My internet is out. If I were a lesser man, I would use that as excuse to not watch any more. I made a commitment though. I will keep writing.

Loner comedy ghost needs Hewitt to figure out what happened to him.

Hello internet. Nice of you to come back.

Hewitt is making money hand over fist with the antique store. Did you know that small town antique stores really rake it in? That fancy McDonald’s cup with Grimace on it is keeping that old lady up on County Road 9 with the half moon spectacles rolling in dough.

Loner comedy ghost, or LCG, has some issues with an alive comedian. She murdered him or saw him commit suicide or something. It is funny how unfunny the comedians in this episode are. There we have it, LCG committed suicide. Case closed.

With the last half hour we have left, I think the show will follow the antique store as it grows in popularity. That should be easy, now that all the problems everywhere are solved.

Oh, it looks like LCG still has some issues. Damn. I was hoping to have a half hour of no plot points.

Phhht, that was not even five minutes and there is another commercial. Now LCG remembered why he killed himself. Great, case closed with 25 minutes to spare! Can I go play outside now? It is 70 degrees and beautiful!

The show is still going! Boo! Oh, hey, get it? Boo! Like a ghost! That is all I can say to this show. Boo!

So LCG’s comedy lover left him to take a shot at comedy in Europe. Not a shot with Europe, the band. They performed The Final Countdown.

LCG needs to make it right with Live Lover, or LL. First he needs to make Katey Sagal cry. Mission accomplished. That was good practice. Now on to the LL.

Hewitt has a character name in this show! I am not going to remember her name. Not because it is not important. I really do not care to remember any more about this show than I need to.

Another 5 minutes, another commercial. That is so very awesome. It is like Chinese water torture.

Ah ha, LL did not go to Europe. LCG thinks it was his fault, and that is why he killed himself. LCG is telling LL how much he loves her through Hewitt. This seems a lot like some other ghost related media production. What was it called? Oh yeah, Ghost.

Let me check the clock. Yep! Time is out for real this time! Case closed! Period.

Afterthoughts on Ghost Whisperer and Trading Spouses: Meet Your New Mommy

Friday nights are very important to us. The work week is done and it is time to kick back. The phrase “Thank Goodness It’s Friday” is so loved that it has inspired both a night of sitcoms on ABC and a chain restaurant.

Sure, ABC’s TGIF included such terrible shows as Full House, Family Matters, and Dinosaurs (no disrespect to Jessica Walter), while the restaurant serves overpriced hamburgers with fakes smiles. In spite of this, people still love Fridays.

Not me though. This past Friday brought me into direct contact with Ghost Whisperer starring Jennifer Love Hewitt. On a scale from awful to terrible, this show was terriful.

The show tries to come off as scary, which is fails at. Inanimate objects with human qualities have not been this cheesy since Evil Dead 2, which desired to be cheesy. All of you that are freaked out by breathing footballs are just tools of the night light manufacturers.

The show did teach me one thing. Comas last only a couple of minutes. You may have terribly contrived dreams during your coma, but it will not last too long.

In a sad statement about television, Trading Spouses: Meet Your New Mommy was better than Ghost Whisperer.

Trading Spouses had actual conflict and emotion, while Jennifer Love Hewitt only flashed her giant teeth or pretended to cry.

There are not that many shows with British rocket scientists who like raves and getting uptight people drunk off of their asses. Then, after the uptight people have survived their terrible hangover, they take them to play paintball.

Both Trading Spouses and Ghost Whisperer are designed to have interesting characters and conflict, but only one of them succeeds.

That was my Friday night. Pretty cool, huh? How was yours? Maybe I can live through the awesome things that you did.

Ghost Whisperer

Ghost WhispererSorry folks, it looks like they moved Britney Spears’ Secret Childhood to another night. Since the votes for the show were so high, I will dip out of prime time for a special viewing of Britney Spears’ Secret Childhood at 6pm on April 12th.

But tonight, we watch Ghost Whisperer.

From what I can tell it is The Sixth Sense, but starring Jennifer Love Hewitt. That is just after one minute of watching though. There are 59 minutes left to judge the show.

Boy, there are a lot of ghosts. Buckets of ghosts. Barrels, even. The price for crude barrels of ghosts is pretty low though. We would do well to look into ghost burning automobiles.

Ghost Whisperer fell down and knocked her noggin. How can she solve ghost murders if she is unconscious? If this show ends up like Sliding Doors, I am going to be super pissed.

Ghost Whisperer is in a coma, and is having a lame dream about woods and tigers and a terrible goth dress. And…now she is out of the coma. That was a gripping two minutes. The end.

I do not think Ghost Whisperer heard me. I said “the end” but it is still going.

Ghost Whisperer has a ghost dog. Do not get too excited. It is not Forest Whitaker.

When Ghost Whisperer…you know, I’m just going to call her Smiley. She smiles more than anybody has a right to. So Smiley can not see ghosts after she wanged her head. This disturbs her. Normal people would be relieve not to see ghosts anymore. Not Smiley. She like’s pain and the unknown. Like me, I guess.

Boy oh boy, Smiley has big teeth. Like a horse’s are her teeth.

No matter, she is on the case of a boyfriend haunting his girlfriend. Without her whispering powers, she will have to depend of faking it like all real life psychics.

Obviously, Smiley’s coma dream will help her solve the mystery of the boyfriend haunting. How long until Smiley figures that out? Oh, just till after the commercial break. I guess I am not too far ahead of the curve on my guessing.

Girlfriend’s boyfriend died playing football. She just imagined she saw a football that was breathing. Do I even have to ask how stupid that is? Sure, we would all be freaked out if we saw a breathing football. But in a TV show? Maybe if it was bleeding too. Nope, that still would not do it. What would make a breathing football truly scary?

Here comes another terrible dream sequence. Give me something out of Twin Peaks at least. That red room was freaky. This is just tired.

Midway point. This show is so boring! The pacing, the characters, the dialogue, the plot, the dreams, the idea behind the show. Boring!

Maybe if I pretend that I am watching a grown up version of Calvin & Hobbes. There is a tiger and people that only Smiley can see. Bill Watterson should sue. If he does not sue for all of those Calvin pissing on Ford decals, he probably would not sue for anything.

Girlfriend just saw visions of red and windows exploding and her boyfriend bleeding from his ears. Just another Friday night.

Whine whine whine, Smiley. Whine whine whine.

Do you understand how hard it is not to bring up a PopCap game while this terrible show is playing? It is so hard! A round of Bejewled would calm the nerves, but instead I have to watch this drivel.

Smiley will now be called Whiney, because I am really disliking her. Whiney has just found out that ghosts are getting stolen or whisked away or something. So the bump on her head was just a coincidence.

Found boyfriend. Things resolved. Sugary talk. Super sugary talk. This is going down hard. Mary Poppins did not know what she was talking about. This was worse that C-SPAN! I am going to look up any critics that enjoy this show and write them a stern letter.

The whole show is like a 5th grade house of horrors! Oh no, sheets and chains! Good work, children.