Doctor Who: Doomsday

Doctor WhoIt’s time for part two of the Doctor Who season two finale. We have Cybermen controlling the Earth and Darleks coming out of a void egg. You know, if you’re too lazy to read to post just below this one.

The Cybermen didn’t know that the Darleks were inside the magic floaty egg. They’re going to be surprised. If Cybermen can feel surprised.

The destruction of the world makes me hungry for a cupcake. Hold on for a second.

Cupcake in tummy, the Darleks are stealing brainwaves with toilet plungers. I’ll never plug the toilet up with brainwaves again.

The Cybermen and Darleks are having a little Dueling Banjos sort of conversation. They both wanted the other to identify themselves first. Speaking in the third person kind of messed that up.

The Darleks did admit that the Cybermen were superior. Superior at dying! Awww snap! The Darleks totally dissed the Cybermen!

There is some Darlek shaped case called the Genesis Ark that the Darleks are determined to protect. I wonder how many cubits in length it is.

The Ark is all that was left of the Time Lord’s planet. Gallifrey is their home planet, from what the first season DVDs have taught me.

The alternate reality Torchwood is popping through from one universe to the other. Really, tearing more holes in the fabric of time. They are like moths with a British accent.

These last four remaining Darleks are a separate sect. They even have names.

Doh. In the flurry to escape, Mickey the Idiot touched the Genesis Ark opening it up for the Darleks. There’s the Mickey we all know.

Jackie and alternate reality hubby have just met up. Heartfelt conversation and hugs will soon make way for Darlek terror.

The Genesis Ark contained millions of trapped Darleks. So millions of Darleks versus millions of Cybermen. That’s even better than Zombies Vs. Ambulances.

The Doctor explained some mumbly jumbly. Basically, he’s sending the Darleks and Cybermen to hell. Rose almost fell into hell, but her dead father from another universe jumped through and caught her and brought her back. The breach in time and space is sealed, with the Doctor on one side and Rose on the other. Things could have been worse. Like being sucked into hell with millions of Darleks and Cybermen.

With a tiny little gap left open, the Doctor was able to pull enough power from orbiting a supernova to send an image to say goodbye. Rose is officially dead back home in our universe. Thus that is how she “dies.”

Heartfelt goodbyes. The Doctor cries. The supernova’s energy runs out. And now there is a bride inside the Tardis somehow. The new companion? We’ll see when this show stars backs up again. Dang BBC and their short seasons.

Doctor Who: Army of Ghosts

Doctor WhoIt’s the Doctor Who season finale. Well, part one of the finale. And it starts off with Rose narrating how she died. How can you narrate something when you’re dead? Unless you’re Marlon Brando. It seems like he could do just about anything post mortem.

Jackie just told Rose that her dead grandfather is coming for a visit. And that he did. Him and the army of ghosts. It’s that damn Torchwood Institute stirring thing us. Torchwood and their ambiguous giant lever. I need to have one of those installed.

Awesome! Like a weather report, there is a ghost report on the television. The humans have gotten over it. In fact, they have embraced it as part of their culture. The Japanese have really gone gangbusters for the ghosts.

Torchwood also has a giant hovering sphere in their basement. A sphere of mystery. I hope it isn’t as boring as Michael Crichton’s Sphere. No, wait. That was the good one. The Andromeda Strain blew.

Snog! Oh how I love British slang.

Hey, look! Cybermen! Cybermen equal trouble. Ghosts equal trouble. So what do Cybermen plus ghosts equal? Or maybe we should multiply the two. Although ghosts may equal zero. In which multiplying the two together would equal zero. So let us stick with addition. So Cybermen plus ghosts equals Cybermen.

Damn Bluetooth enabled headsets. They will be the downfall of the human race. Or at least the 13 year olds who don’t take them off. That wouldn’t be much of a loss. Natural selection really.

I think I’ve got it. The “ghosts” are Cybermen trying to cross over from the dimension where Mickey was left.

The Doctor figured out that the ghostiness is coming from Torchwood. Torchwood was, after all, created to keep track of and control the Doctor. I think. Come on, Aric. Show some confidence. Let the readers know you’re in charge!

Thorchwood’s motto is “If it’s alien, it’s ours.” And so they claimed the Tardis. Luckily Rose was still inside, and the Doctor lied and brought Jackie along as his “companion.”

The sphere is a void ship. It exists outside of time and space. Where there is nothing, there is this thing.

Awww no. Your psychic paper won’t work on the Torchwood employees, Rose. Luckily Mickey got there somehow to help out. Hopefully he will be less whiny than usual.

The Cybermen-hijacked Torchwood employees have set up some razzmatazz to break through to the other dimension. The Cybermen are breaking through and that sphere is going all nutso. So remember when I called the the ghosts were Cybermen? Score a point for me. You know, for those keeping track.

What’s in the sphere? Darleks, of course. That’s the worst prize to ever come from inside of an egg.

Doctor Who: Fear Her

Doctor WhoDoctor Who would be so much more enjoyable if it weren’t followed by Battlestar Galactica.

A young lass singing about the kookaburra just trapped a little boy in a picture she colored. It is a pretty horrible picture. That would be the worst part of the situation. Being trapped and looking like crap.

Does anyone else get this stupid French Vanilla Cool Whip jingle stuck in their head? It makes me want to find out how far ice picks can go into my ears.

It is time for the 2012 Olympics in London. No matter. Children have gone missing. Cars stop running. Old ladies are talking. You know, unusual things. We all know that old ladies are turned into delicious mush. You don’t want your mush talking back to you, do you?

This creepy lass draws very quickly. Perhaps that is the reason her drawings are rubbish. She should slow it down, take some time. Drawing in perspective would be a plus as well.

I think the Flying Spaghetti Monster just attacked Rose. Or a living ball of squiggles. Each is equally plausible and worthy of worship.

The Doctor found the little lass and is trying to figure the problem. He has plenty of time. There is half an hour left, after all.

Oh yeah, there’s a dad from hell in the little girl’s closet. A drawing of him. With glowing eyes. What Crayola color are the devil’s eyes? Bittersweet? Raw Sienna?

The girl is possessed by a floating angel flower? I’ll just nod and back away slowly now. Yes yes. That’s a good and rational explanation. Where’s the damn doorknob? Nothing, nothing! Makes sense. Still nodding. Where’s that knob?

There’s a bit of information I didn’t know. The Doctor was a dad once. That’s all we’re going to get on that.

Then the Doctor and Tardis were stolen into a drawing. Hopefully we’ll be able to see what it’s like inside the drawing. That’s what I’ve been hoping for all episode.

Everyone just vanished from the Olympic stadium. You see, the little floating flower angel had 4 billion brothers and sisters. So it is trying to collect at least that many friends in terrible pictures. The Olympic flame will revive its spaceship, naturally. You know, since the flame comes from the sun. That makes a bit of sense. Still. Floating angel flower.

Whoops. There still devil dad drawing to deal with. I always forget devil dad drawing. Don’t worry, singing defeated him, just like it did the Nazis in The Sound of Music.

Then the Doctor lit the Olympic torch so the little flower alien could go home. The episode was a bit of fun, but not the best. Hey, and we didn’t get to see the inside of the drawings! Boo!

Doctor Who: Love & Monsters

Doctor WhoDoctor Who start off this Friday’s evening of TV, like usual. Will it be goofy or semi-serious? Wait and find out! Or check online and fine out. Either way is fine by me.

Looks like a vlogger had a run in with a monster being corralled by the Doctor and friends. How can anyone get away with anything anymore with everyone watching everyone on the internet? You can’t even secretly kill ex-KGB agents in peace anymore.

Elton, the vlogger, is narrating all of the time he had run ins with the Doctor. He was there with the when the mannequins attacked, aliens crashed, and Christmas trees went mad. That’s a bit of bad luck.

The Elton bloke met up with a few people who track and study the Doctor. That’s how he met Ursula. It looks like she came to a tragic end. We’ll find out more later. But right now, Elton is in a bit of a Doctor support group.

This support group, L.I.N.D.A., got together and ate, listened to novels in progress, and even created a rock band. Please don’t ask me to explain that bit. It’s all a bit unusual.

Then Victor Kennedy showed up and ruined everything. He’s a dapper man with a round face, wide brimmed black hat, and a fear of touching people. He says he’ll blister at the touch, but I have a feeling he’s just a prick.

Victor puts the fun loving L.I.N.D.A. group to work investigating the Doctor. Victor is almost certainly an alien trying to capture the Doctor. We’ll find out, and I love being wrong.

Elton infiltrated the house of Rose’s mum. Well, he didn’t really infiltrate it. He was sort of invited in for tea. That wouldn’t happen in America. We don’t drink tea. Or anything. All we do is eat sand and mice. Call it weird, but it’s in the constitution.

Jackie keeps having Elton over to fix things and to seduce him. Things got a bit awkward, with missing shirts and all, and Jackie kicked him out on his behind. I can safely say that Victor won’t be happy about this. He’s going to go an eat another woman, I bet.

Victor has been absorbing the members of L.I.N.D.A into his body. His slimy green body with the black mohawk. He’s quite the funky looking monster. Victor wears a loincloth and carries a cane.

The cane was the bit holding Victor together. If you’re threatened by anything with a cane, break its cane. Even if it doesn’t hold magical powers, its user will have trouble getting around.

Holy moly! There is a UFO enthusiast group that meets not more than ten miles away from me! They just advertised on the SciFi network. I should go. It is sure to be hilarious.

Ursula got absorbed into a bit of pavement, but the Doctor was able to save her there. So Elton now has a relationship with a bit of pavement. That’s fantastic.

Doctor Who: The Satan Pit

Doctor WhoAfter a week off for Thanksgiving, which the Brits don’t celebrate, part two of Doctor Who is upon us. As you may or may not know, Satan was just released from a small clump of planet orbiting a black hole.

I love when teenagers write “hail Satin” on message boards.

Dangly mouth aliens are hitting people with their balls. So. Yeah.

For some reason, the Doctor and Expendable are lying about seeing Satan. I guess we didn’t really see Satan come out. I’m just assuming. They actually aren’t lying. That’s my natural habit to assume the worst in people coming back to bite me.

Satan was chained in this planet before time. That’s a bit confusing for a Time Lord. It is like telling an ice cream man about a time before ice cream. It doesn’t make sense to them.

Oh yeah, Satan is saying he will kill everyone. I didn’t think it needed mentioning. Because, really, what else would Satan do?

The Doctor and Expendable are stuck 10 miles below the planet’s surface. What do they do with their 10 miles of broken cable? Go down into the Satan pit, of course.

Damn, the Satan possessed dangly face Ood have made their way into the vents. Aliens love vents. If you are ever in the position to design and build a space station, make it without vents. I know it will be quite the task, but it will be worth it.

The Doctor reached the end of his rope, literally and figuratively. So he unclipped his rope, literally, and fell into the seemingly endless darkness that was the pit.

The rest of the crew decided to split, while taking Rose against her will. And the Doctor even survived the fall. Lucky him, there was oxygen at the bottom.

At the bottom, the Doctor finds the giant living chained body of the beast. But the mind is escaping on the rocket ship.

A bunch of crazy stuff just happened. Jugs were smashed, demons were blasted out into space, nothing out of the ordinary.

Everything is being sucked into the black hole. Planets. Rockets. Light. But then there was the Tardis. The Tardis is towing the rocket to safety. And Expendable? Yeah, she survived. My instincts are shot tonight. It’s a good think the stock exchange is closed.

Doctor Who: The Impossible Planet

Doctor Who starts out with a wonderful greeting. The Doctor and Rose end up on a drilling station with “Welcome to Hell” spray painted inside. Some Doctor Zoidberg looking aliens started chanting “we must feed” upon seeing their two visitors. Does the human race have a mantra that we could chant?

It turns out the aliens’ speech balls were stuck. Speech balls? Yeah. They wanted to know if their guests were hungry. It’s a cookbook!

The station is impossibly orbiting a black hole. This show makes me happy! Every plot is so far out and so well done.

It was recommended that I turn the lights out during this episode. So my face will be creepily lit only by the blue glow of the television.

The tentacle faced aliens called Ood serve the humans who run the station. Everyone has an Ood. Sounds like something that could be prevented by wearing a rubber.

Complicating things, the Tardis fell deep into the recesses of the impossible planet. I think it was drunk. Too many Lemon Drops. That’s that Tardis’ drink of choice, after all.

Uh oh. The power source in the middle of the impossible planet, which keeps it in orbit, is the devil. And they are drilling down which will accidentally release him. Or her.

Toby, some dude, was killed with letters mysteriously written all over him. [insert quip about the pen being mightier than the sword here, idiot]

The Ood function on telepathy. That means the devil can control them pretty easily. They aren’t too smart. Then the real trouble started when devil Toby breached the hull. That bastard. That’s right, isn’t it? The devil doesn’t have a father. Unless you count darkness.

Toby killed someone, and now he’s better. Now this someone is let loose outside and will be compressed into a singularity. That’s a way to go. Joining in a single point with everything else in the universe.

The Doctor and Expendable have gone down to the center of the planet. Sorry, her name isn’t actually Expendable. It might as well be.

The Ood were just possessed by Satan. And their voice balls sting something awful. And the planet is being sucked into the black hole. And Satan is rising from his pit. Now that’s a cliff hanger.

It’s good, because this plot deserves another hour. It’s bad, because I must wait until next week to get any resolution.

Doctor Who: The Idiot’s Lantern

Doctor Who makes watching TV alone on a Friday night fun. That sounds geeky. It is as if I am watching my VHS recordings of Monty Python’s Flying Circus that I got off of Comedy Central when I was 13. I blame the Brits.

TV is stealing people’s faces! That’s a new trick. I thought only scalding acid did that.

The Doctor and Rose end up in 1953! Time to meet Elvis! Whoops, they ended up in England. Rose’s poodle skirt and the Doctor’s Vespa are a bit out of place. What if a double deck bus crashes into it? To die by your side is such a heavenly way to die.

The coronation of Queen Elizabeth II is being held in a few days, so everyone is getting equipped with a telly. Evil face stealing tellies.

Did you know that the British flag is only to be called a Union Jack when flown at sea on the bow of a boat? There’s a bit of trivia for you.

Germans in discreet black cars are steeling the faceless people. Perhaps for marriage. Hahaha, am I right, men? All that yapping? Hahaha. Ahhhh. Nag nag nag. Hahaha.

Did I mention the Doctor is sporting a pompadour this episode?

The creepy TV woman just ate Rose’s face. As near as I can tell. She ate it with electricity. Not with a side of electricity. Electricity was like her fork. Her TV fork.

Another fact? If a young lad is a mama’s boy, you need to beat him out of it. Wow! That’s a bit of dialog you don’t normally hear.

The television lady calls herself the Wire. She has been eating faces to regain her physical form.

One thing the bad folks in Doctor Who have in common is an affinity for simple mantras. Hungry, exterminate, and delete are just a few of the simple single word chants they tend to gravitate towards.

By the way, that isn’t annoying. It is delightful and charming.

The Doctor defeated the evil Wire by recording her to Betamax. Brilliant and delightful.

Doctor Who: The Age of Steel

When we last left Doctor Who, the Doctor and his companions were surrounded by the brains of homeless men in the bodies of Cybermen. They were screaming something about deletion. Each enemy has to have a catch phrase, after all. Exterminate or deletion, choose your poison.

The wheelchair scientist activated all of the ear pods in alternate reality London. This is the first step to becoming a Cybermen. The second step is a bit more difficult, as it involves brain extraction. The ancient Egyptians attempted this with dire consequences.

The Cybermen seem to waste a lot of energy by walking. Every step is an attempt to break through the Earth’s outer crust. They also march rather slowly. They have the same pitfalls as zombies. They walk slowly and crumple into a little ball if you destroy their brain.

I wish Micky had never met K-9. He would have one less thing to whine about that. “I’m a tin dog! I’m a tin dog!” Shut your yap. You’re seeing the universe.

The whole of London is being processed for upgrading. Rose and her alternate reality breathing daddy are walking through the front door, the Doctor and a gray haired lady are sneaking through some cooling tunnels, and Whiny along with his new pal spiky hair are on their way to blow up a floating dirigible.

Rose and her pop really pulled a boner. Their mother and wife, respectively, was already turned into a Cyberman. Er, Cyberperson.

The Cybermen, in another comparison to zombies, are people’s loved ones turned into unthinking and unfeeling beings.

The wheelchair man was killed by the Cybermen so they could upgrade him. Oddly enough, he is still sitting in a chair.

In the end, the Cybermen were destroyed by the destruction of their inhibitor chips. As the Doctor put it, he gave them back their souls, and the pain of being assimilated was too great. With their work being done, our heroes escaped while holding on to the ladder hanging down from a giant zeppelin. That is how every story climax should end.

Whiny has decided to stay behind, because his alternate reality counterpart died. And his gram, meaning grandmother to us Yanks, is alive in this place. This means we’ll never see Micky again. I could pretend to be sad, but I don’t feel like pretending.

Doctor Who: Rise of the Cybermen

Doctor WhoDoctor Who has become one of my favorite shows, and it is all because of you! Is that a new shirt? You’re looking sharp!

Skin of metal, brain of a man. A fellow in a wheelchair has made a “cyberman” whose very existence is in conflict with the Geneva Convention. Wheelchair man doesn’t care, and he orders the cyberman to murder his tattletale assistant. Cybermen don’t ask questions. Yet.

Meanwhile, with the Doctor, that Tardis dies due to the time vortex disappearing. I blame David Copperfield. There are in London, but it isn’t the other David Copperfield‘s fault. This alternate version of London has tons of leadless zeppelins overhead.

Rose’s dad is still alive in this backwards London. He is a very successful advertisement. Er, advertising executive. Politician? Regardless, this means there is an alternate reality Rose too. Rose is a dog. Is that alternate enough for you?

Wheelchair man in the floating balloons can download information from minds of London’s citizens. That is what you get when you have metal antennas in your ears. What would be worth downloading from my mind? The trick is to be forgetful, so you are useless. Then the world is yours.

Men in nice white suits are stealing homeless men. Oh, this is happening in the show too.

Meanwhile, the Doctor blew 10 years of his life into a little recharging device for the Tardis. Don’t worry, he has a lot of time left in him. He is a Time Lord after all. The could teach CEOs something about time management. And smiling.

The Prime Minister and Rose’s alt daddy just got on the wheelchair man’s blimp. And those antennas in the heads of the good citizens? Bluetooth. They download weather, news, jokes, and everything right into their heads. Aside from downloading your thoughts, that sounds pretty nice.

The homeless men are getting upgrades! It is charity, really. Or evil. Evil charity. The homeless men are now cybermen! Do cybermen dream of electronic soup?

Mickey has a subplot that I am uninterested in. I don’t fancy Micky too much. He is whiny. Rose is whiny sometimes, but at least she is having fun.

Now the cybermen are going to ruin a perfectly lovely 40th birthday party. The Doctor, while not unphased, has seen them before. Cybermen, not birthdays. Probably birthdays too. But after thousands of them, you probably stop caring. Birthdays, not cybermen.

The goal of the cybermen is to upgrade everyone to cybermen. And women. I haven’t seen any cyberboobies though. Maybe it is just men.

Oh no! The hour is almost over and the Doctor is surrendering to an army of cybermen! Delete, delete, delete, delete, to be continued. Curses!

Doctor Who: The Girl in the Fireplace

Doctor WhoAfter an odd and uncomfortable day off, we come back to Doctor Who. I may have been going through television withdrawal.

The episode starts off as all television episodes do, with a young lady yelling into a fire place. Then we are suddenly thrust 3000 years into the future. But what of the fireplace?

3000 years in the future the Doctor, Rose, and Mickey find a fireplace. On the other side is a young version of the lady from 18th century France. With a quick pull of a lever the Doctor is swept away to Paris in this young girl’s bedroom. What does he find? A hairy clock mime monster hiding under the little girl’s bed. It is a robot too. What do monsters have nightmares of? The Doctor. Well set up, writers.

Doctor Who brings the childhood delight of imagination into your homes. There are no restrictions on its story telling. Robots in France using a future space ship to slip through a fireplace and scan a girl’s brain? Of course. Why wouldn’t they? Simply delightful.

Every time the Doctor passes through the fireplace, years have passed by in France. The young lady is the uncrowned queen of France. She thought the Doctor to be her imaginary friend, and wastes no time in showing him what a French kiss really is once he appears again.

The Doctor is, once again, in love. He likes humans way too much. I barely tolerate them. He may have met his match, as the young girl is to become the king’s mistress. Who could resist the Doctor? Even when wearing his dorky glasses. Hold on a minute, I have dorky glasses! Damn.

The creepy robot is made out of clockworks. Oddly enough, he is less creepy than Tick Tock from Return to OZ. This robot has repaired its ship with pieces of its crew members. It needs one more piece, the mistress’ brain. But only when it’s finished. Or, as I call it, ripe. A sweet and ripe brain.

And clock robots got Mickey and Rose. So it life.

While the Rose and Mickey are captured, the Doctor stumbles in very drunk. That doesn’t last long, as he gets down to business.

The ship turns out to be a sort of space Being John Malkovich hole into the young lady’s stages of life.

The Doctor used the horse to…what? What’s your problem? Yes, he has a horse on the spaceship. Now before I was interrupted, the Doctor used a horse to smash through a time window. Smashing means he can’t get back to the ship. He is stuck 3000 years in the past. He doesn’t seem to mind. He is in love.

The fireplace is still intact! So a quick spin through and the Doctor is back. But now the young lady, whose name I haven’t bothered to spell, has passed on. Ahhh, the loneliness of being the last time lord. Seeing all those you love pass on.

What a bittersweet story. What a wonderful show.

Doctor Who: School Reunion

Doctor WhoDoctor Who starts off with a creepy headmaster. For those of you Yanks, like me, a headmaster is like a principal. Never mind the difference in colloquialisms. The headmaster just ate a little girl!

It is a good thing the Doctor just happens to be teaching physics at this school. He is up to something. Rose is a lunch lady. Do they have a different word for that too? Slopwrangler?

Some toxic waste that was in the school kitchen spilled on a slopwrangler. She was hurried away into another room where she exploded into a puff of vapor. Do you think that would clear up your sinuses if you took a deep breath? Nothing loosens the mucus like slopwrangler steam.

There is a secret room full of children typing at about a billion words per minute. Secretary training, of course!

Hold the phone, the doctor is in love with an investigative journalist. Hold the phone? People only say that in movies because script writers are trying to write naturally.

The journalist knew the Doctor in one of his previous forms. She must have been from much earlier in the series, as one of the Doctor’s companions.

The headmaster and teachers? They are big bat people who sleep in the school.

Sarah Jane, the previous companion, brought a friend along in her trunk. K-9, a broken tin dog. A wind up monkey who claps his cymbals would be more useful.

K-9 sounds a bit like a stuttering Dalek. I mean, a drunken Christmas tree.

The bat people actually looked a bit like humans centuries ago. They take the best bits of the races they conquer, mentally and physically. This turned them into ugly bats. “Best” is a matter of opinion, which is why you can say you make the “best bagels in the world” and not get sued. It is subjective.

The bat people are using the children’s brains and souls to crack the building blocks of the universe. That is where I would have failed. I would have just used their souls. How many souls of children would I have gone through before I finally gave up?

K-9 saved the day with lasers that shoot from his nose. Saved it for a while. You can’t shoot lasers out of your nose forever. Eventually, you’ll need a sandwich.

The little dog that could exploded the bat people with their own green goo. I will pretend that it was guano. Going to the bathroom must be really tough for them. Well, not any more. Because, you know, they exploded.

Rose’s friend Mickey is now along for the journey. The universe journey. I guess we’re all on a universal journey. We just don’t move about as much.

Doctor Who: Tooth and Claw

Doctor WhoWhile I enjoyed last week’s episode of Doctor Who, I am supposed to really love this one. I guess we’ll see.

Hold on a second here, the episode starts with ninja monk repo men? Hot diggity damn. This show is great. No diggity. I, for one, would like to bag it up. Bag it up.

The Doctor and Rose travel to 1979, probably to see me being born. Whoops, they ended up in 1879 Scotland. That isn’t even close to my birthday or birthplace.

No bother. The Doctor and Rose meet and accompany Queen Victoria on a little trip. The last time I was forced to watch something about traveling queens, it was To Wong Foo Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar.

Rose’s goal is to make Queen Victoria say, “We are not amused.” It will happen before the episode is over, do not worry.

The monks have totally and secretly taken over the home where the Queen has stopped for the night. You can tell, because they are quite bald. And they poisoned all the guards. You can tell by that as well.

Werewolf! The werewolf wants to pass its blood on to Queen Victoria. There is a full moon tonight as well. Of all the dumb luck.

The Doctor is, in keeping with his MO, more charmed by the wolf than afraid. It may want to bite him, but what an amazing creature, right? Being however many hundreds or thousands of years old, the Doctor is still so delighted by everything. Makes this 9 to 5 business seem like a real waste.

Rose has a bit of a creepy side to her. She knew the captain of the guard was going to be ripped apart by the wolf, but she kept watching. If I were ripped apart by a werewolf, I would like it to at least amuse one person.

Books, so we were told, are the greatest weapons in the world. Who wants to carpool to the library? Do they call libraries something else in the UK? Like Bookie Dooblers?

How do you defeat a werewolf if you are fresh out of silver bullets? Too much moonlight. Just like how you could destroy me with too many oyster wings and pot stickers from Leeann Chin.

The Doctor and Rose were just knighted and daned respectively. Then they were banished. Banished by a werewolf Queen who created the Torchwood Institute to defend against the Doctor? That will come into play sometime. Or has. That was probably a big wink to something I don’t understand.

Doctor Who: New Earth

Doctor WhoTwo episodes of Doctor Who in one night? I’m a lucky fellow. In this episode, Rose and the Doctor go five thousand or five billion years into the future. All I know is there is a five and a lot of zeros.

It must be billion. After the original Earth burnt out, the nostalgic Earthlings decided to make another Earth, for old time’s sake.

What do you do when you are on the New Earth? Go check out a hospital, of course. Everyone loves a good hospital. Especially when they are going to visit a giant head in a giant jar. The Doctor gets better acquainted with the head while someone brought Rose down to the basement. It was a big flap of skin hooked up to a brain in a jar. Jars jars jars. Mason jars must be sponsoring this episode.

The skin lady zapped herself into Rose’s body. You had to see that coming. It happens every day.

Oh yeah, I’ve been enjoying the new Doctor. He is charming and fun and inquisitive and serious. It is going to be a good second season. Or series. Or second season of the second series.

The cat doctors are growing humans in chambers to test out the cure of all diseases. Oh yeah, cat doctors run this hospital. It’s a Cat Fancy subscriber’s dream.

This skin lady in Rose has some grudge against the Doctor. She has the Doctor trapped in a chamber…oop, he is out. So are all the diseased humans. They aren’t fans of cats. They are very much like zombies. As you should be well aware, I am a fan of zombies. Not that I envy zombies and want to be one. They are just fun.

Wow, cat lady turning into a zombie and then falling many stories to her death. That’s a bit of madness.

The Doctor cured the zombie flesh chamber beings, and now they’re clean. A new fresh version of the human race. It’s fresh like a hotel bathroom, when they fold the toilet paper over into that little triangle point. Fresh human toilet paper points.

All the cats are being arrested. Skin lady floaty sparkle breath is dying. Big head teleported away. Huh. That was a pretty good episode, even if the ending was a bit odd. Heck, the whole thing was a bit odd. The whole series is odd. I like it.

Doctor Who: Christmas Invasion

Doctor WhoDoctor Who starts off on Christmas, or close to it. The Doctor is in his new form, which confuses the heck out of Mickey and Rose’s mother. Rose is the Doctor’s traveling companion. Because when you want to go on a road trip through space and time you need some company. And not Britney Spears.

Oh, hey! That’s the mum from Shaun of the Dead. She was running for office in a previous episode of Doctor Who. It looks like she got elected. Or she took power. I prefer to think she took power. She might have threatened to release aliens with zippers in their forehead. That would make me give up my seat in the government.

The Doctor is sick, and creepy masked Saint Nicks are trying to blow up Rose and Mickey. I proclaim that a creepy Saint Nick is worse than a scary clown. Imagine the two side by side, and you will feel the same way.

Oh no! Evil spinning Christmas tree! This seems much more deadly than a Dalek. Daleks aren’t remote controlled by creepy Santas.

The pilot fish in Santa outfits are after the Doctor. You’re right, that is a weird sentence, but it is what it is. The Doctor is too full of energy, and all the bad guys can smell his power belches.

The pilot fish, yes yes, weird. The pilot fish are just scavengers, hanging off of something much bigger. And meaner. And scarier than a creepy Santa. Impossible! But we’ll see.

Harriet Jones, from Shaun of the Dead, is Prime Minister. She’s a bit off and goofy, but not wacky and stupid. It’s a good level.

Now scary calf lizard head aliens are coming to Earth. I guess I didn’t need to say “scary.” It was implied. They are called Sycoraxilixacs. Something like that. I’ll call them Syc, because it is easier for me to write and remember. It makes me feel smarter.

The aliens just put a blue spell on a bunch of Earthlings. It makes their heads glows blue. It also makes them go up to the roof. Maybe it makes them blue, as in sad, too. So blue and blue.

1/3 of their world’s population is on a roof somewhere, waiting to jump. That’s quite the hostage situation, Sycs.

The aliens are controlling only humans with A+ blood. And glass just exploded everywhere because of a sonic boom caused by the alien spaceship. I dare say, they are up to no good.

The scary lizard skull was just a helmet! Oh no, they are scary underneath too. The Prime Minister is on the space ship now. A couple of her friends got whipped. And by whipped, I mean whipped with an electronic whip that leaves nothing but a skeleton. You know, whipped.

Rose is captured, but the Doctor woke up and saved the day in the nick of time. The aliens are still in a prime position to cause damage, but the Doctor is a powerful fellow. He isn’t too worried.

How many times has the Doctor saved Earth? We’re rather lucky he has such an affinity for humans. I tend to like humans too. Not all humans. Some of them are jerks.

Wait a minute now, the Doctor’s hand just got cut off. He was more amazed by the fact than in pain. That’s probably shock, or the fact that he is an alien who we keep learning new things about.

No worries, the hand grew back and defeated the alien overlord. The Doctor threw in a comment that he new Arthur Dent. Fantastic. This show is so perfectly goofy and wonderfully put together. Full of ideas and imagination and evil and good.

The Doctor sent the aliens off, never to return. But the Prime Minister decided to blow up their ship as they left. The Doctor was not down with that. And thus, he brought down her rein with a few simple words. What a dandy show.

Doctor Who: World War III

Doctor WhoNow it’s time for part two of Doctor Who. Rhyming can be fun, if it’s well done.

Hey, electrocuting one alien electrocutes them all. Who knew? Well, the Doctor, probably. That’s why he did it. Sorry, that was a stupid question.

The actor who plays the Doctor changes about every season, I think. I haven’t seen any other Doctors, but I rather like this one. He’s goofy in a Bugs Bunny sort of way.

The aliens have the Doctor and pals trapped. We’re still figuring out their scheme, since it is not to take over Earth.

The zipper heads are having a grand old time inviting all of their zipper head friends and family over. I don’t think it’s for a kegger or book club meeting.
The aliens have found Mickey and Rose’s mother. Luckily, vinegar makes them explode due to calcium something. Lack thereof, I think. Osteoporosis, maybe? That means vinegar will make old people explode too. If you see an old person trying to eat a pickle, knock them to the ground!

Zipper friends seem to want nuclear bombs to go off. They have asked the UN for permission to launch some nukes. They also have an insane desire to be naked. Which is creepy and hilarious when coming from a tubby man who reaches for his head.

Mickey just launched some sort of missile from some sort of submarine from some sort of computer. He didn’t even whine about it. It looks like he is growing up. Don’t let your babies grow up to be cowboys.

The missile was directed to blow up the building that Rose, the Doctor, and the lady from Shaun of the Dead were in. It blew up the aliens, of course. Oh, and the Doctor and pals are okay. There wasn’t even a cliff hanger. Not even a commercial break. I appreciate that.

Shaun of the Dead lady goes on to become Prime Minister. Who knew she was of the cloth…oh yeah, that’s right. Different kind of minister. I keep forgetting. Sorry, Britain.

The Doctor gave Rose an ultimatum. He’s leaving in two hours, so Rose can stay or go. No dinner with mother. No goodbye to friends. Just leaving. It looks like it was an easy decision. Someone is a little adrenaline junkie.

Doctor Who: Aliens of London

Doctor WhoTwo hours of Doctor Who? I’m done fighting the fact that I am a geek. You hear that? I’m happy to be watching science fiction.

Since I saw the finale, we’ve started over near the beginning of season one. The Doctor has taken his companion, Rose, back to her home for a visit. He tells her that they’ve been gone for 12 hours. Turns out it’s been 12 months. Whoops.

People were a little worried about her disappearing. Remember, adventures are not as fun when you have people at home who don’t know what’s happening. If you’re going on an adventure, always leave a note. I’m sure Indiana Jones always left a note.

Rose can’t tell her mother where she really was, because she was traveling time and space. I mean, she could tell her. It would win her a free vacation.

Did I say “to the loony bin?” That’s what I meant.

Now there is a broken space ship crashing through Big Ben and terrorizing London. It also crashed in the Thames. What do you know? I do know a little geography.

London is in a bit of a panic. I bet this doesn’t happen every day. Unless the Brits have been hiding something from us Americans. Have you been hiding things from us? You can tell me. I won’t tell. Much.

The British government captured an alien body from the ship. British government? Oh, the guys with the powdered wigs, right?

Now the Prime Minister is missing. Why are people so worried about a priest? Ohhh, a different kind of minister.

The new Prime Minster and some people are laughing. They must be those skin aliens I saw in a later episode.

Hey, that’s the mother from Shaun of the Dead. She’s snooping around the aliens who people don’t know are aliens. It looks like she is also in the next episode I’m watching, and in the infamous The Christmas Invasion episode fans seem to thrill about.

The little alien from the crashed UFO that they thought was dead is now alive. It’s a little pig man. A little pig man? No matter, it’s dead now.

I was right, it was the zipper head aliens. The tiny pig man was a distraction. Let that be a lesson to all of you. If you see a tiny pig man, don’t pay any attention to it. Something else is going on!

Rose had a boyfriend she left, so she could have space and time adventures. His name is Mickey. He seems like a bit of a complainer.

The Doctor is on a watch list. Once Rose’s mom flipped out and called the authorities, the military showed up at the TRADIS’ door. One thing about the TARDIS, it is very inviting to knock on its door.

The zipper head aliens fart a lot. We’re all learning a whole bunch of tips from this show! Don’t trust people who fart a lot! That one kind of goes without saying.

So the zippers open up and big green things pop out. In a smart move, they gathered all the alien experts on the planet together. You know, to kill them all. That’s using your head. Or, rather, someone else’s head.

Doctor Who: The Parting of the Ways

Doctor WhoExcuse me if I spend this whole episode of Doctor Who with my hands raised above my head. You see, this episode contains thousands of screaming spinning metal extermination Christmas trees. They are called Daleks. That is easier to write.

The Doctor is very excited to wipe the Dalek race from existence. I am excited for him. It’s nice to see someone who enjoys their job so much.

The Daleks are a little like parrots. They catch on to one word and repeat it over and over. Scream it over and over, actually.

In the past, the Doctor already destroyed the race of Daleks. Their leader survived and created a new race of Daleks out of human remains. And so, the Daleks are now a creepy mixture of an emotionally alien vacuum and absurd human ideals. Don’t worry, they still yell “exterminate” a lot.

Rose, the Doctor’s companion, looks jealous of the new Rose. Jack just kissed the Doctor full on the lips too. What a weird minute.

The Doctor and pals are back on Satellite 5, ready to hold off the Daleks while the Doctor tries to make the satellite into a big delta wave transmitter. What does that mean and how does he do it? Never mind that. Just think, “Him turn space thingy into big space fire stick.” Now you’ve got it.

Awww, the Doctor is sure they are going to die, so he ejected Rose and the TARDIS back in time to save them. He swore he’d protect her, and he has. The TARDIS…er…time space machine is never to return to the Doctor. What a turn of events! Screaming metal boxes and sacrifice. Cool.

As it turn out, the Doctor can change the station into a blowy uppy thingy to blow up every Dalek in existence. Unfortunately, it will blow up future Earth too. So all Daleks will die, and some colonies of humans will live on elsewhere in the universe. Wow, that’s a big blowy uppy thing he’s making. That’s like punching someone so hard that their grandchildren feel it.

Go go Dalek army! Think of how much cooler this would be if the computer graphics were better? Oh well, no bother.

The first wave of humans were exterminated pretty quickly. They aren’t giving the Doctor much more time to make his super death ray of death.

Awww, the Daleks killed the future robot The Weakest Link lady. Oh, and all the humans that were too cowardly to fight. Sorry, this paragraph just can’t make much sense.

The wannabe Rose just got sucked into space after the Daleks shot out the window she was “safe” behind. In case of an emergency, treat everything like a tornado. Stay away from windows. Get in the tub and put a mattress over your head.

Jack just got exterminated. Rose is on her way back in the TARDIS. The Doctor isn’t quite done with his doom death disaster death ray. Commercial.

Rose became one with the time vortex and destroyed all the Daleks. She also brought Jack back to life. And then some weird stuff happened with some light. I am starting to distrust light. Maybe those goths have it right.

The Doctor absorbed all the energy in the time vortex to save Rose. His body is failing. Which means he’s evolving! I never quite got this Doctor evolution thing. I suppose I won’t really find out how it works until next season. The Doctor is someone different now. That’s all I know.

Not a bad episode at all. A bit too much thinking, but beyond that, enjoyable. Exterminate!

Doctor Who: Bad Wolf

Doctor WhoGet ready for the first part of the season finale of Doctor Who. Are you ready? I can wait.

Something happens. Something happens. Then “100 Years Later” flashes on the screen. The Doctor falls out of a closet into a brightly colored room.

Rose, the Doctor’s companion, wakes up in a bizarre alien android style version of The Weakest Link.

And someone who’s name I think is Jack is being dressed by robots. Or undressed by robots, actually. On TV. Huh?

It looks like the Doctor is on a version of Big Brother.

Everyone from the TARDIS got abducted and put into these weird TV show games.

Ah ha, the guy who’s name might be Jack is on What Not To Wear. This is all starting to make sense.

No it isn’t.

In The Weakest Link, the titular weakest link gets disintegrated. Oh yeah, if you try to run, you get disintegrated. Same thing goes for the Big Brother house. If you get kicked out of the house, you get evicted. From life. I bet I know what happens if you wear what you aren’t supposed to wear.

There are 60 Big Brother houses going on at the same time. You don’t apply to be in a house, you are chosen. Everyone on Earth is a potential contestant.

The dressing robots were trying to cut off Jack’s head and put on a duck’s head. It is hard to stop robots when you are naked. Unless you have a laser hidden up your behind. Which he did. Fore real. Good bye, robots.

Some corporation named Bad Wolf is running all of this. The words “bad wolf” have been following the Doctor and Rose around their travels. It looks like some giant plan has finally come to fruition.

The Doctor has a death wish and got out of his Big Brother. It turns out he is on Satellite 5! What is Satellite 5? I’m not sure, but I think it is the fifth in a series of satellites.

The whole Bad Wolf operation is run by the Controller. The Controller is an albino woman bathed in blacklights with glowing dreadlocks made of wires coming out of everywhere. She looks like she could use a good night’s sleep.

Jack just made a big gun out of the dressing robots. That’s pretty slick. He probably could have made a smaller gun though.

The Doctor Who preview for next week showed tons of screaming metal Christmas trees flying through space. I hope I am forced to watch that!

Remember when it said “100 Years Ago?” The Doctor shut down Satellite 5, which broadcasts all the TV down to Earth. With no news or information, Earth went crazy and collapsed into dark times. I thought the Doctor was supposed to know what he was doing.

Wow, Rose just got disintegrated. I got caught up in the show, I didn’t see that coming. It happened right in front of the Doctor too. That has to sting a little. He did already find himself a new companion girl. I should have seen this coming. Good job of blinding me, Doctor Who. Jolly good work.

The Doctor and friends, minus Rose, got arrested or something. We’ll just say detained. Not for long, of course. They already overpowered the guards. It wasn’t even worth the effort to write that they were detained.

The Doctor and the rest busted on to the main deck, detained the staff, and found the TARDIS.

The satellite shuts down when there is a solar flair. This leaves the Controller free time to talk to the Doctor about her hidden masters controlling Earth through TV.

Contestants don’t get disintegrated either. They get transported to someplace hidden. It’s the metal Christmas trees! Their fleet has been hidden by Satellite 5. The Doctor is coming to kill them, every last one of them. Oooh, the next episode is going to be good!

Doctor Who: Boom Town

Doctor WhoAnother week, another episode of Doctor Who. My fingers are crossed in the hopes that this episode will not confuse me. Wait, do we cross our fingers for good luck and if we are lying? That’s kind of weird.

From the “previously” clips, it looks like a bunch of humans with zippers in their heads that contained aliens blew up London or some such place. Am I right or wrong? All I know is, it all points to me being very confused for an hour to come.

Currently the Doctor and his companions are waiting for the TARDIS to charge up. It is sitting on some rift or something that charges it. Don’t ask me. Magic? Yeah, it’s simple magic. We do get an explanation about why the TARDIS looks like a police box. It is part of its cloaking device. It makes that TARDIS appear like something inconspicuous for the time and space it lands it. However, the cloaking device got stuck. So, there is your police box for you.

There is a movie on SciFi next week called Komodo vs. Cobra. If you miss that, I declare you to be a fool and that you have less brains than string cheese. Take that!

This fat lady with a dead tooth is a zipper alien trying to build a something-something. Maybe a power plant. Maybe a flower store. Either way, she is up to no good. And she killed a lot of people with bombs and decapitations and stuff so she can build this something-something.

It must be hard for these zipper aliens to get back into their human skins after they are out. You ladies think pantyhose are difficult. What am I talking about? No ladies watch science fiction. There are no girls on the interweb.

The Doctor knows who this zipper alien is. He is off to stop her from whatever evil plan she is cooking. He and his companions are armed with cell phones. They are probably more dangerous than they seem. Oh, or they are just calling each other with them.

The power plant the zipper alien mayor is building was meant to blow up the space time rift…er…magic. It is meant to blow up Earth. Why does she want to blow up Earth? So she can ride the explosion off the planet on a surfboard. She’s smarter than she seems.

Now the whole gang is taking zipper lady back to her home planet, where she will be executed because of some law. I’m not going to get into the politics of a place where I don’t live.

Since the TARDIS is still charging full of magic, the doctor and the zipper head are going out for her last meal. She will try and convince him to change his mind. He will make smart remarks. I’m okay with that arrangement. She also just tried to poison his wine and shoot him with a poison dart. The Doctor isn’t falling for any of it.

Is there some point in time where people will stop whoring Steppenwolf in whatever commercial they like?

Uh oh, looks like the TARDIS is causing the time space rift…you know…magic to open up. Remember, that means the end of Earth?

The heart of the TARDIS, which is alive, turned zipper alien back into an egg. Shhh, I know. I know. Just pretend it makes sense. Oddly enough, it wasn’t as confusing as last week.

Doctor Who: The Doctor Dances

Doctor WhoWelcome to Doctor Who, where it is currently 1941 and it looks like I missed a lot last week. There is some sort of disease which turns you into a child and melts a gas mask to your face. Weird disease, huh? It is passed by touching too.

Oh, the masks are flesh and bone. That’s creepier. This episode is taking place during the London blitz. Wikipeida has really made life easier, hasn’t it?

This episode is really creepy! All of these infected people think they are this creepy little British kid who is looking for his mommy. Zombies are pretty scary. Gas mask bone monsters are scary too.

The Doctor is 900 years old, by the way. He doesn’t look a day over 30. Must be that HGH human growth hormone stuff. Except he isn’t human. He must…eat humans! No, that’s silly. Who would eat humans? All squishy and fat.

I am missing a lot of information needed to put the pieces in this episode together. I will get a headache if I try to figure this all out, so I’ll just pretend it’s a horror flick with a little comedy mixed in.

Awww, boo. They cut away when someone’s gas mask bones were going to pop through their face. That is as lame as cutting away when the Transformers transform. Ahhh, that’s better. They kind of showed it. It forced it’s way out up the infected’s throat and eyes.

A space ambulance altered the zombie gas mask children to our hero’s location. Things are about to get a whole lot more horrific. Ah ha, there are little floating nanogene machines the escaped from the space ambulance. The first thing they found was a dead child with a gas mask, so that’s what they assumed humans looked like. So it went about fixing all humans to look like that.

Do not mess with nanotechnology, boys and girls. You will get nothing but gas mask children and grey goo. You do not want either.

The Doctor helped knock some sense into the nanogenes, and everything is getting back to normal. As normal as nanogenes fixing the hordes of London can be.

Some other plot stuff that I made an effort to ignore wraps up the last fifteen minutes of the show.

You were confusing to me, Doctor Who, but you did leave me with something to give me nightmares for years to come. Bravo.