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Doctor Who: Doomsday

Doctor WhoIt’s time for part two of the Doctor Who season two finale. We have Cybermen controlling the Earth and Darleks coming out of a void egg. You know, if you’re too lazy to read to post just below this one.

The Cybermen didn’t know that the Darleks were inside the magic floaty egg. They’re going to be surprised. If Cybermen can feel surprised.

The destruction of the world makes me hungry for a cupcake. Hold on for a second.

Cupcake in tummy, the Darleks are stealing brainwaves with toilet plungers. I’ll never plug the toilet up with brainwaves again.

The Cybermen and Darleks are having a little Dueling Banjos sort of conversation. They both wanted the other to identify themselves first. Speaking in the third person kind of messed that up.

The Darleks did admit that the Cybermen were superior. Superior at dying! Awww snap! The Darleks totally dissed the Cybermen!

There is some Darlek shaped case called the Genesis Ark that the Darleks are determined to protect. I wonder how many cubits in length it is.

The Ark is all that was left of the Time Lord’s planet. Gallifrey is their home planet, from what the first season DVDs have taught me.

The alternate reality Torchwood is popping through from one universe to the other. Really, tearing more holes in the fabric of time. They are like moths with a British accent.

These last four remaining Darleks are a separate sect. They even have names.

Doh. In the flurry to escape, Mickey the Idiot touched the Genesis Ark opening it up for the Darleks. There’s the Mickey we all know.

Jackie and alternate reality hubby have just met up. Heartfelt conversation and hugs will soon make way for Darlek terror.

The Genesis Ark contained millions of trapped Darleks. So millions of Darleks versus millions of Cybermen. That’s even better than Zombies Vs. Ambulances.

The Doctor explained some mumbly jumbly. Basically, he’s sending the Darleks and Cybermen to hell. Rose almost fell into hell, but her dead father from another universe jumped through and caught her and brought her back. The breach in time and space is sealed, with the Doctor on one side and Rose on the other. Things could have been worse. Like being sucked into hell with millions of Darleks and Cybermen.

With a tiny little gap left open, the Doctor was able to pull enough power from orbiting a supernova to send an image to say goodbye. Rose is officially dead back home in our universe. Thus that is how she “dies.”

Heartfelt goodbyes. The Doctor cries. The supernova’s energy runs out. And now there is a bride inside the Tardis somehow. The new companion? We’ll see when this show stars backs up again. Dang BBC and their short seasons.


Doctor Who: Army of Ghosts

Doctor WhoIt’s the Doctor Who season finale. Well, part one of the finale. And it starts off with Rose narrating how she died. How can you narrate something when you’re dead? Unless you’re Marlon Brando. It seems like he could do just about anything post mortem.

Jackie just told Rose that her dead grandfather is coming for a visit. And that he did. Him and the army of ghosts. It’s that damn Torchwood Institute stirring thing us. Torchwood and their ambiguous giant lever. I need to have one of those installed.

Awesome! Like a weather report, there is a ghost report on the television. The humans have gotten over it. In fact, they have embraced it as part of their culture. The Japanese have really gone gangbusters for the ghosts.

Torchwood also has a giant hovering sphere in their basement. A sphere of mystery. I hope it isn’t as boring as Michael Crichton’s Sphere. No, wait. That was the good one. The Andromeda Strain blew.

Snog! Oh how I love British slang.

Hey, look! Cybermen! Cybermen equal trouble. Ghosts equal trouble. So what do Cybermen plus ghosts equal? Or maybe we should multiply the two. Although ghosts may equal zero. In which multiplying the two together would equal zero. So let us stick with addition. So Cybermen plus ghosts equals Cybermen.

Damn Bluetooth enabled headsets. They will be the downfall of the human race. Or at least the 13 year olds who don’t take them off. That wouldn’t be much of a loss. Natural selection really.

I think I’ve got it. The “ghosts” are Cybermen trying to cross over from the dimension where Mickey was left.

The Doctor figured out that the ghostiness is coming from Torchwood. Torchwood was, after all, created to keep track of and control the Doctor. I think. Come on, Aric. Show some confidence. Let the readers know you’re in charge!

Thorchwood’s motto is “If it’s alien, it’s ours.” And so they claimed the Tardis. Luckily Rose was still inside, and the Doctor lied and brought Jackie along as his “companion.”

The sphere is a void ship. It exists outside of time and space. Where there is nothing, there is this thing.

Awww no. Your psychic paper won’t work on the Torchwood employees, Rose. Luckily Mickey got there somehow to help out. Hopefully he will be less whiny than usual.

The Cybermen-hijacked Torchwood employees have set up some razzmatazz to break through to the other dimension. The Cybermen are breaking through and that sphere is going all nutso. So remember when I called the the ghosts were Cybermen? Score a point for me. You know, for those keeping track.

What’s in the sphere? Darleks, of course. That’s the worst prize to ever come from inside of an egg.


Doctor Who: Fear Her

Doctor WhoDoctor Who would be so much more enjoyable if it weren’t followed by Battlestar Galactica.

A young lass singing about the kookaburra just trapped a little boy in a picture she colored. It is a pretty horrible picture. That would be the worst part of the situation. Being trapped and looking like crap.

Does anyone else get this stupid French Vanilla Cool Whip jingle stuck in their head? It makes me want to find out how far ice picks can go into my ears.

It is time for the 2012 Olympics in London. No matter. Children have gone missing. Cars stop running. Old ladies are talking. You know, unusual things. We all know that old ladies are turned into delicious mush. You don’t want your mush talking back to you, do you?

This creepy lass draws very quickly. Perhaps that is the reason her drawings are rubbish. She should slow it down, take some time. Drawing in perspective would be a plus as well.

I think the Flying Spaghetti Monster just attacked Rose. Or a living ball of squiggles. Each is equally plausible and worthy of worship.

The Doctor found the little lass and is trying to figure the problem. He has plenty of time. There is half an hour left, after all.

Oh yeah, there’s a dad from hell in the little girl’s closet. A drawing of him. With glowing eyes. What Crayola color are the devil’s eyes? Bittersweet? Raw Sienna?

The girl is possessed by a floating angel flower? I’ll just nod and back away slowly now. Yes yes. That’s a good and rational explanation. Where’s the damn doorknob? Nothing, nothing! Makes sense. Still nodding. Where’s that knob?

There’s a bit of information I didn’t know. The Doctor was a dad once. That’s all we’re going to get on that.

Then the Doctor and Tardis were stolen into a drawing. Hopefully we’ll be able to see what it’s like inside the drawing. That’s what I’ve been hoping for all episode.

Everyone just vanished from the Olympic stadium. You see, the little floating flower angel had 4 billion brothers and sisters. So it is trying to collect at least that many friends in terrible pictures. The Olympic flame will revive its spaceship, naturally. You know, since the flame comes from the sun. That makes a bit of sense. Still. Floating angel flower.

Whoops. There still devil dad drawing to deal with. I always forget devil dad drawing. Don’t worry, singing defeated him, just like it did the Nazis in The Sound of Music.

Then the Doctor lit the Olympic torch so the little flower alien could go home. The episode was a bit of fun, but not the best. Hey, and we didn’t get to see the inside of the drawings! Boo!


Doctor Who: Love & Monsters

Doctor WhoDoctor Who start off this Friday’s evening of TV, like usual. Will it be goofy or semi-serious? Wait and find out! Or check online and fine out. Either way is fine by me.

Looks like a vlogger had a run in with a monster being corralled by the Doctor and friends. How can anyone get away with anything anymore with everyone watching everyone on the internet? You can’t even secretly kill ex-KGB agents in peace anymore.

Elton, the vlogger, is narrating all of the time he had run ins with the Doctor. He was there with the when the mannequins attacked, aliens crashed, and Christmas trees went mad. That’s a bit of bad luck.

The Elton bloke met up with a few people who track and study the Doctor. That’s how he met Ursula. It looks like she came to a tragic end. We’ll find out more later. But right now, Elton is in a bit of a Doctor support group.

This support group, L.I.N.D.A., got together and ate, listened to novels in progress, and even created a rock band. Please don’t ask me to explain that bit. It’s all a bit unusual.

Then Victor Kennedy showed up and ruined everything. He’s a dapper man with a round face, wide brimmed black hat, and a fear of touching people. He says he’ll blister at the touch, but I have a feeling he’s just a prick.

Victor puts the fun loving L.I.N.D.A. group to work investigating the Doctor. Victor is almost certainly an alien trying to capture the Doctor. We’ll find out, and I love being wrong.

Elton infiltrated the house of Rose’s mum. Well, he didn’t really infiltrate it. He was sort of invited in for tea. That wouldn’t happen in America. We don’t drink tea. Or anything. All we do is eat sand and mice. Call it weird, but it’s in the constitution.

Jackie keeps having Elton over to fix things and to seduce him. Things got a bit awkward, with missing shirts and all, and Jackie kicked him out on his behind. I can safely say that Victor won’t be happy about this. He’s going to go an eat another woman, I bet.

Victor has been absorbing the members of L.I.N.D.A into his body. His slimy green body with the black mohawk. He’s quite the funky looking monster. Victor wears a loincloth and carries a cane.

The cane was the bit holding Victor together. If you’re threatened by anything with a cane, break its cane. Even if it doesn’t hold magical powers, its user will have trouble getting around.

Holy moly! There is a UFO enthusiast group that meets not more than ten miles away from me! They just advertised on the SciFi network. I should go. It is sure to be hilarious.

Ursula got absorbed into a bit of pavement, but the Doctor was able to save her there. So Elton now has a relationship with a bit of pavement. That’s fantastic.


Doctor Who: The Satan Pit

Doctor WhoAfter a week off for Thanksgiving, which the Brits don’t celebrate, part two of Doctor Who is upon us. As you may or may not know, Satan was just released from a small clump of planet orbiting a black hole.

I love when teenagers write “hail Satin” on message boards.

Dangly mouth aliens are hitting people with their balls. So. Yeah.

For some reason, the Doctor and Expendable are lying about seeing Satan. I guess we didn’t really see Satan come out. I’m just assuming. They actually aren’t lying. That’s my natural habit to assume the worst in people coming back to bite me.

Satan was chained in this planet before time. That’s a bit confusing for a Time Lord. It is like telling an ice cream man about a time before ice cream. It doesn’t make sense to them.

Oh yeah, Satan is saying he will kill everyone. I didn’t think it needed mentioning. Because, really, what else would Satan do?

The Doctor and Expendable are stuck 10 miles below the planet’s surface. What do they do with their 10 miles of broken cable? Go down into the Satan pit, of course.

Damn, the Satan possessed dangly face Ood have made their way into the vents. Aliens love vents. If you are ever in the position to design and build a space station, make it without vents. I know it will be quite the task, but it will be worth it.

The Doctor reached the end of his rope, literally and figuratively. So he unclipped his rope, literally, and fell into the seemingly endless darkness that was the pit.

The rest of the crew decided to split, while taking Rose against her will. And the Doctor even survived the fall. Lucky him, there was oxygen at the bottom.

At the bottom, the Doctor finds the giant living chained body of the beast. But the mind is escaping on the rocket ship.

A bunch of crazy stuff just happened. Jugs were smashed, demons were blasted out into space, nothing out of the ordinary.

Everything is being sucked into the black hole. Planets. Rockets. Light. But then there was the Tardis. The Tardis is towing the rocket to safety. And Expendable? Yeah, she survived. My instincts are shot tonight. It’s a good think the stock exchange is closed.


Doctor Who: The Impossible Planet

Doctor Who starts out with a wonderful greeting. The Doctor and Rose end up on a drilling station with “Welcome to Hell” spray painted inside. Some Doctor Zoidberg looking aliens started chanting “we must feed” upon seeing their two visitors. Does the human race have a mantra that we could chant?

It turns out the aliens’ speech balls were stuck. Speech balls? Yeah. They wanted to know if their guests were hungry. It’s a cookbook!

The station is impossibly orbiting a black hole. This show makes me happy! Every plot is so far out and so well done.

It was recommended that I turn the lights out during this episode. So my face will be creepily lit only by the blue glow of the television.

The tentacle faced aliens called Ood serve the humans who run the station. Everyone has an Ood. Sounds like something that could be prevented by wearing a rubber.

Complicating things, the Tardis fell deep into the recesses of the impossible planet. I think it was drunk. Too many Lemon Drops. That’s that Tardis’ drink of choice, after all.

Uh oh. The power source in the middle of the impossible planet, which keeps it in orbit, is the devil. And they are drilling down which will accidentally release him. Or her.

Toby, some dude, was killed with letters mysteriously written all over him. [insert quip about the pen being mightier than the sword here, idiot]

The Ood function on telepathy. That means the devil can control them pretty easily. They aren’t too smart. Then the real trouble started when devil Toby breached the hull. That bastard. That’s right, isn’t it? The devil doesn’t have a father. Unless you count darkness.

Toby killed someone, and now he’s better. Now this someone is let loose outside and will be compressed into a singularity. That’s a way to go. Joining in a single point with everything else in the universe.

The Doctor and Expendable have gone down to the center of the planet. Sorry, her name isn’t actually Expendable. It might as well be.

The Ood were just possessed by Satan. And their voice balls sting something awful. And the planet is being sucked into the black hole. And Satan is rising from his pit. Now that’s a cliff hanger.

It’s good, because this plot deserves another hour. It’s bad, because I must wait until next week to get any resolution.


Doctor Who: The Idiot’s Lantern

Doctor Who makes watching TV alone on a Friday night fun. That sounds geeky. It is as if I am watching my VHS recordings of Monty Python’s Flying Circus that I got off of Comedy Central when I was 13. I blame the Brits.

TV is stealing people’s faces! That’s a new trick. I thought only scalding acid did that.

The Doctor and Rose end up in 1953! Time to meet Elvis! Whoops, they ended up in England. Rose’s poodle skirt and the Doctor’s Vespa are a bit out of place. What if a double deck bus crashes into it? To die by your side is such a heavenly way to die.

The coronation of Queen Elizabeth II is being held in a few days, so everyone is getting equipped with a telly. Evil face stealing tellies.

Did you know that the British flag is only to be called a Union Jack when flown at sea on the bow of a boat? There’s a bit of trivia for you.

Germans in discreet black cars are steeling the faceless people. Perhaps for marriage. Hahaha, am I right, men? All that yapping? Hahaha. Ahhhh. Nag nag nag. Hahaha.

Did I mention the Doctor is sporting a pompadour this episode?

The creepy TV woman just ate Rose’s face. As near as I can tell. She ate it with electricity. Not with a side of electricity. Electricity was like her fork. Her TV fork.

Another fact? If a young lad is a mama’s boy, you need to beat him out of it. Wow! That’s a bit of dialog you don’t normally hear.

The television lady calls herself the Wire. She has been eating faces to regain her physical form.

One thing the bad folks in Doctor Who have in common is an affinity for simple mantras. Hungry, exterminate, and delete are just a few of the simple single word chants they tend to gravitate towards.

By the way, that isn’t annoying. It is delightful and charming.

The Doctor defeated the evil Wire by recording her to Betamax. Brilliant and delightful.


Doctor Who: The Age of Steel

When we last left Doctor Who, the Doctor and his companions were surrounded by the brains of homeless men in the bodies of Cybermen. They were screaming something about deletion. Each enemy has to have a catch phrase, after all. Exterminate or deletion, choose your poison.

The wheelchair scientist activated all of the ear pods in alternate reality London. This is the first step to becoming a Cybermen. The second step is a bit more difficult, as it involves brain extraction. The ancient Egyptians attempted this with dire consequences.

The Cybermen seem to waste a lot of energy by walking. Every step is an attempt to break through the Earth’s outer crust. They also march rather slowly. They have the same pitfalls as zombies. They walk slowly and crumple into a little ball if you destroy their brain.

I wish Micky had never met K-9. He would have one less thing to whine about that. “I’m a tin dog! I’m a tin dog!” Shut your yap. You’re seeing the universe.

The whole of London is being processed for upgrading. Rose and her alternate reality breathing daddy are walking through the front door, the Doctor and a gray haired lady are sneaking through some cooling tunnels, and Whiny along with his new pal spiky hair are on their way to blow up a floating dirigible.

Rose and her pop really pulled a boner. Their mother and wife, respectively, was already turned into a Cyberman. Er, Cyberperson.

The Cybermen, in another comparison to zombies, are people’s loved ones turned into unthinking and unfeeling beings.

The wheelchair man was killed by the Cybermen so they could upgrade him. Oddly enough, he is still sitting in a chair.

In the end, the Cybermen were destroyed by the destruction of their inhibitor chips. As the Doctor put it, he gave them back their souls, and the pain of being assimilated was too great. With their work being done, our heroes escaped while holding on to the ladder hanging down from a giant zeppelin. That is how every story climax should end.

Whiny has decided to stay behind, because his alternate reality counterpart died. And his gram, meaning grandmother to us Yanks, is alive in this place. This means we’ll never see Micky again. I could pretend to be sad, but I don’t feel like pretending.




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