Dark Angel: Dawg Day Afternoon

Dark AngelI have a feeling that this episode of Dark Angel will center around dog, or “dawg” as the episode title calls him. I know I’m going to hate this episode. I just know it.

Wow, look at that tiny CD they’re using! That’s the future alright!

There is this big driving plot to this show about transgenic freedom. Transgenics are super people created in labs with barcodes on the back of their neck. You could go into the store and buy them like a bag of spinach. We must hunt down and kill all these lose bags of spinach.

Teens in hoodies are chasing down the big bag of spinach, I mean, the big dawg. He was peeping at a blind girl. These well mannered teens dressed in their finest hoodies were just protecting their neighborhood. Or “hood” as the stars of rap music like to call it.

The dawg escaped with the blind girl into the sewers. Police and government officials are now hunting down the ugly transgenic. Sorry, that was a low blow. I meant to say that they are hunting down the ugly dawg man.

The government is evil, the gangs are evil, the police are evil, everyone is evil! I hate the future so much!

In the future, people use computers with symbols of apples on them. I assume that apples are currency in the future and hamburgers taste like motor oil.

I think I know by Dark Angel failed. Because Alias came along and was much better. Why ride a mule when a car goes faster and makes a sweeter smell?

Awww, bad government guy killed the dawg’s blind girl and framed him for it. Meh. Time to watch TV on my own terms. Come to me, Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip.

Dark Angel: Hello, Goodbye

Dark AngelFinally, after months of reruns and uninspired summer filler, the networks are back with brand new shows! We can once again dig for our new favorites and feel comfort in our old standers. Let me see what we have here.

Oh. You voted for two hours of Dark Angel reruns. What is wrong with you?

Dog man and Alba are setting off bug bombs in dog man’s dilapidated house. He has fleas. Wait, that’s boring. Let’s pretend they are super genetically altered future fleas. Now we have a sci-fi show going on.

Jessica Alba who is Dark Angel whose name is actually Max spread a virus to her…boyfriend? He has glasses, does that help you? No, not Drew Carey. Did you know he had eye surgery? He doesn’t even need those thick glasses any more. What’s next, tooling around in a wheelchair because he thinks it looks cool?

Dog man made friends with a blind woman. Not Dog the Bounty Hunter. He is out on bail, and probably won’t fall in love with any blind women. Also, he doesn’t have fleas. Well, future fleas. Maybe regular fleas. Probably regular fleas.

Max is staying away from her boyfriend because she doesn’t want to infect him again. Dog blood cured him. Take that homeopathic remedy for what you will.

Oh yeah, Jensen Ackles of Supernatural is being charged with murder. Hey, some action. That’s what I like to see. Alba sprung Ackles. There were sparks and gunfire. It lasted almost a whole minute! Coming up soon, the action packed dinner between the dog guy and the blind girl.

Dinner isn’t exciting. Dry British sitcoms on PBS have proven that over and over again.

Jensen is laying low with the dog man. Oh dog, you don’t have a TV. How wacky and eccentric.

The police just shot Uncle Fester. Gomez is going to be so sad.

Do blind people really touch your face to “see” what you look like? That sounds like a TV myth, like mice enjoying cheese and police chalk outlines.

The episode ends on “love sucks” being uttered by Max. Max is a boy’s name. I think Max is confused.

Dark Angel: Love in Vein

Dark AngelThe only thing I know about Dark Angel is, when it was advertised originally, it was promoted at James Cameron’s Dark Angel. It can’t feel too good when your big name can’t even save a show from being cancelled.

We’re in the future! A dark future, full of techno music and dark clothing. Punks too, lots and lots of punks. The kind that take drugs and steal money in a lavish manner. It’s just like that Clash song, Steal Money in a Lavish Manner.

Jessica Alba, the titular dark angel, was created to be the perfect soldier. The only ultimate soldier that I will recognize is Mario Van Peebles.

Hey now, Jessica Alba just hung up on Jensen Ackles from Supernatural. He’s totally going to shoot her with rock salt now.

Jessica and Jensen work for a package delivery company. That’s what ultimate soldiers do to pay the bills. They also use too many fancy fighting moves when beating up the already inebriated.

Jensen got a dog man to do his deliveries for the day. The dog man had a little trouble with a cat, and then he got high. It doesn’t really matter, since he is always in the dog house. Hah ha! I’m so awesome.

These future punks are in some sort of cult. They take some drugs to make them strong. Strong so they can steal money and jewelry. They also get some killer veins in their forehead.

Oh, they’re not taking drugs at all. They’re drinking another lab experiment’s blood. That’s rather creepy and interesting.

Alba was caught by the creepy lab experiment. She isn’t buying what he is selling. They’ll come to blows before the episode is over. Alba will win. There goes any mystery for you.

Haha, now the dog face boy is providing a little comic relief while teaching us all a lesson about prejudice. That’s all dog boys are good for. Whoops, was that prejudice?

Here comes the part I was right about. The bad guy was totally impaled on a sharp candle stick. Who the heck makes a sharp candle stick? Like candle fires don’t kill enough people.