Bionic Woman is one of those shows I wouldn’t be watching if it weren’t for you, the voters. Will I thank you for the new experience, or track you all down for individual eyeball punches? I assume the later, but I’d like to be wrong.

This show, from what I gather, revolves around a woman who is bionic. I’d wager a guess that this bionic college student would rather be dancing at Coyote Ugly. I’m two minutes in, and think Bionic Girl would be a better title.

Keep in mind, I have no background in to these characters or plot. I don’t know why Albert Rosenthal is talking to the, assumedly, bionic girl.

Let’s explore the word “bionic,” shall we? It is the application of methods found in nature to technology. Maybe a little nanotechnology photosynthesis. That sounds like a terrible show.

Young college student gets taken into a super secret government agency? It’s nice that Alias is still on the air. Snap for me!

You may think I watch a lot of Alias. That would be a false assumption your part.

BJ, short for Bionic Girl(I know, I know), is in Paris working with the dreaded CIA to get something done. What did she find there? Terrible dialogue! And it isn’t the fault of the language barrier.

How do you find someone who might have changed their looks? Get yourselves a BJ! She’ll look into their eyes, which they apparently can’t change, and identify them. Oh, her name is Jamie. That BJ is less of a hilarious stretch now.

Back at college, BJ’s friend are something something nobody cares Gilmore Girls style relationship nonsense. I’m sorry, I trailed off a little there. Must be this waterboarding. I mean, television.

Hey, a laptop plastered with Ween stickers. This show must be secretly hip!

The eye recognition software only works if the person looks you directly in the eyes. Which is impossible with a BJ. I mean. Anyway. Um. This technology seems a bit limited. Also, it doesn’t help if it works as you’re walking into the trap.

BJ and partner are awkwardly falling in love while her college friends are…OMG! Did I doze off? What time is it? I need to get to work!

Spies probably argue a lot when they are outside a room where they’re trying to bust someone. It would be more acceptable if, you know, the dialogue were engaging.

I’m glad I can fast forward through commercials. That way I can skip the cast of Chuck telling me how to be green.

Will any of us be better off after watching this episode? Will flowers smell sweeter tomorrow? Will the sun shine brighter? Will we even tell our coworkers about it?

BJ is going back in to get her boyfriendish spy friend and this “list” with 8 million dollars. Which isn’t as much as it seems these days. Now Canadian dollars would be nice.

Remember BJ’s college friends? I guess she lives with her sister. Who is also in college? Oh no, I’m bored again. Please get back to this lame spy business so we can go home and see our kids.

Oh holy crap. Enough with the talking please! It is really hurting me a lot. The writers must have already been on strike when this was written. I know, that is impossible. But it makes my point.

Shejumpedreallyhighcanyoubelieveithowamazaing!

And that, my friends, is the BJ show. Oh, hold on. The words they are speaking is making my vomit in my pants. That can’t even happen! How did you do that, terrible television show? You owe me for my dry cleaning bill!