Battlestar Galactica: The Eye of Jupiter

Battlestar GalacticaIt’s the last Battlestar Galactica of 2006. If only 2006 could go on forever after this episode.

The humans are harvesting algae from the Algae Planet for food. Hey, watching paint dry is fun too!

Starbuck has a weird sort of logic. She won’t get a space divorce because space marriage is a space sacrament. But space cheating is space okay.

Some stout fellow has decided to go for a little hike for some reason. He’s looking for something. More food to increase his stoutness, perhaps. I thought they were low on food. Why the belly?

He found a temple with some sort of obelisk looking thing in the middle. Obelisks are nothing but trouble. Never buy a house with one in it.

There is no pyramid on top. It’s not an obelisk. Just a pillar. Pillars in the home are okay. Especially if they point the way to Earth, like this one is supposed to. Or is it a Cylon trap? That’s what the commercials kept saying.

The Cylons want a meeting with the humans. Looks like Dean Stockwell is along for the ride. He’s just happy to be working. The Cylons want this pillar, which is called the Eye of Jupiter which is a relic of 13th tribe. You know, whatever that means.

Robots on Algae Planet. Civilians to defend the Eye. Cliffhanger to be left until next episode. Standard.

Starbuck’s ship got hit. She’s crying as she’s going down in flames. What a baby.

I feel like I should be studying history or something right now. You know, so I don’t totally waste an hour of my life.

Oh no, they’re going to nuke the Eye of Jupiter? My concern is fake. To be continued.

Battlestar Galactica: The Passage

Battlestar GalacticaBattlestar Galactica bored my something awful last week. I don’t cry out in pain this week.

The humans in their flying metal space cans are running out of food. They need to find a planet soon. A planet with food, not a planet to eat like Galactus would.

These Cylon women really like to keep this human fellow around. Especially in bed. Or by the sea. Or in a room with just a bed and a chair and a robot. Not the special place funny feeling sort of robot. The regular kind of robot.

There is a giant expanse of radiation that the Galactica crowd must get across to eat. Their prize? Algae. Delicious algae.

One of the Cylong ladies has been killing herself over and over so she can be “downloaded” over and over. I guess I can’t knock it until I’ve tried it.

The humans are loosing ships as they’re leapfrogging through the radiation. That means large amount of people perishing, probably. I’m not positive about what any of these means.

Someone is addicted to drugs. Space drugs!

And the human fellow who likes to do with with Cylons reached his hand into a pool of goo. The the Cylon who is on the human ship is dying of radiation poisoning. She felt guilty about the space drugs she was taking, so she sacrificed herself to bring one of the big ships back through the radiation. But she’ll get better, I guess.

Battlestar Galactica: Unfinished Business

Battlestar GalacticaI am torn between liking and disliking Battlestar Galactica.

Starbuck just used her ex-husband for his man loving, and then went to see her Irish buddy get beat up in the boxing ring. I think he might be whiter than me. That’s quite the task. I guess if there is anyplace that gets less sunlight than an office building and a basement, it’s a spaceship.

Flashback to 16 months ago? Jeez, fine. We’re going to learn the back story on Starbuck and the Irish lad.

Bah, the time is jumping all over. I think everyone is boxing for champion of the universe. The winner gets a hat made out of gold and nebulae.

Everyone is beating up everyone they have some sort of grudge or history against.

More boxing. More emotions. More boxing. More emotions.

Ahh. Back 16 months ago Starbuck cheated on her fiance with the Irish fellow. Then, the next day, she ditched him and got married to her fiance really quick. So emotions. And now, more boxing.

Beaten and bloody, they whisper that they missed each other in their ears. So, there’s that show for you.

Battlestar Galactica: Hero

Last Battlestar Galactica involved a chance to eradicate the Cylon race from existence, and a traitor who stopped it from happening. It was heavy. And a little boring.

To counteract that boring episode, this one starts with some action packed filing! Seriously. Well, not the action packed part. Just regular filing.

Some dreadlocks sporting fool named Bulldog showed up in a Cylon ship being chased by other Cylon ships. The Galactica’s admiral knows him though. So even though he isn’t on the guest list, we’ve got a voucher.

Bulldog was on some secret mission for the humans three years ago and assumed dead. That’s why they call him the Bulldog! Probably.

It turns out the admiral left Bulldog to die for some reason. Probably personal. He probably killed the admiral, but then the admiral made a full recovery.

I have decided that I do not enjoy Battlestar Galactica. Please stop making me watch it.

One eye and Bulldog are shooting the breeze, even thought there is no breeze on a space ship. They are very talented.

The admiral shot Bulldog’s ship down, since he was spying in enemy territory. It would have been considered an act of war if he was found. That’s a bit interesting. Still, I’d rather not be watching this. To think, I could be watching Unwed Father on Lifetime right now.

The evidence seems to show that the Cylons let Bulldog escape. They probably knew he’d cause a ruckus by killing the admiral. There have been quite a few twists this episode. Maybe I do like this show. I’m so conflicted.

Battlestar Galactica: A Measure of Salvation

Battlestar Galactica will continue to bring me confusion and limited amounts of delight which come from understanding and explosions.

The humans boarded a seemingly empty Cylon ship. It wasn’t empty though. The Cylons aboard were either dead or infected. I’m not quite sure how we got from last week’s episode to this week. Maybe this is another one of those things where they show us something, and then take us back to how it happened. I hope it is, at least. Or else I am completely screwed.

Okay, we’re not working backwards. Now it is time to find out about this mystery disease. Also, they get to find out why the Cylon’s took a diseased beacon on board when they knew it was diseased.

Son of a crappy crap crap, we’re switching between flashbacks on the Cylon ship and currently on the Human ship. My mind is a stew made out of a beef broth, flower to thicken, and jellybeans. That’s a nasty stew.

The Cylon’s have resurrection ships. If they die while a ship is near by, it will pick them up and regenerate them. If an infected Cylon is picked up, it will infect everyone on the resurrection ship. That would be one nasty surprise after being resurrected. What if Jesus infected everyone after he was resurrected? The Bible would have turned out differently. Actually, it would not have turned out at all.

The TV warned me that this section has mature violent content. Now we’re talking.

Awww, shucks. This isn’t violence. This is Cylon on Human mind screwing while the human is being tortured. Screwing in the biblical sense. That was messed up.

Some rebel killed the Cylons before their resurrection ships were in range. So mass genocide was not committed. That’s probably good. Otherwise the show would kind of be over. With no Cylons there would be no conflict. Without no conflict, there ain’t no show, yo.

Battlestar Galactica: Torn Part 1

Battlestar Galactica still has me confused, as I am not sure who is a human and who is a Cylon. I could easily put an end to my confusion by looking online, but that is hardly what this website is about.

Oh bullocks, another two part episode. I will leave this evening quite unsatisfied.

“Cylon psychology is based on projection.” If that means they plan ahead, then they are my sworn enemies! I bet they make lists of things they need to during the weekend too!

The dirty greasy human who has been consorting with Cylons is weighing the pros and cons of giving up the location of Earth. Pros, he lives. Cons, everyone dies. Using Cylon psychology, I say the cons are pretty heavy. But as long as they are planned out, then it is okay.

A lady named Starbuck had a little space fender bender. Phhht, women drives. Did you know that women can even vote in next week’s elections? I know!

Ahhhh, the Cylons took human form. I wish they hadn’t decided to do that. It makes it so much harder for me. Everything is about me, after all.

Starbuck and a pirate are sharing war stories. They are stirring up trouble in the break room with the people who were safe and sound on the battlestar as they were trapped in the Cylon prison camps. If you have one eye, you have a right to be grumpy.

Some weird stuff happened. The human who likes Cylons killed a dying Cylon who hated humans.

Starbuck just got kicked off the ship. She also gave herself a Bob. The haircut that is all the rage in our own time and universe. Our friend Saul is giving himself a Bob too. Wait, he has no hair. He had better think of something else to do, like drink himself to death.

Battlestar Galactica: Collaborators

Battlestar GalacticaSo far I have seen two full episode of Battlestar Galactica. So forgive me if I’m not quite interested in the many different characters yet. It doesn’t help they the cylons look just like humans. They could use some giant bumps on their head.

The humans just escaped from cylon control last episode. I think. That is what my limited intelligence has told me. One of these humans is being tried as a traitor. He is executed for treason. Oooo, I hope they shoot him out an airlock! Hooray! My hopes were answered. I should make a birthday hope. They seem to come true more often than wishes.

Back with the cylons, the greasy and shallow faced one wakes up naked in a pulsating room. At least he has his own giant menacing robot to watch after him. Or murder him. Robots can go either way.

Saul is the grumpy man with one eye. I would be grumpy if I had one eye. He should try eating spinach. They might give me an overinflated sense of power and self worth. He better watch out for Eugene the Jeep, a yellow, vaguely dog-like animal from Africa with magical powers.

The humans are dealing out justice for war crimes among their own ranks. It is a good thing those airlocks clean themselves.

This episode is mainly about judging who has betrayed the humans to the cylons. You are going to get any sympathy from Saul. He poisoned his wife for being a traitor. How will he feel about someone he doesn’t shag? Hah, I used the word “shag.” I am so dumb.

There isn’t any justice like prairie justice. Space justice is pretty close though.

While this episode was very plot, character, and emotion heavy, it felt better than the first episode I watched. I am becoming a little more comfortable with this universe. I would like to start watching for the first episode of the new series. The quality looks to be there, both in the writing and the atmosphere.

Battlestar Galactica: Exodus

Battlestar GalacticaRolling Stone says Battlestar Galactica is still the best show on television. I didn’t see the big deal last week. Perhaps, once I have a space battle or two under my belt, I will agree. Space battles, for those of you who don’t know, are like regular battles. Like a paternity battle, for instance. But in space.

Someone is sad about their dad. I wish this show were called A Battlestar Name Galactica. It would be about a battlestar with the odds turned against it, but a can-do attitude. And it would sing.

Maybe this rum will help me enjoy this show. It will at least help me enjoy myself. What the hell is that??? Oh, it’s a button on my thing. What’s it called? Shirt. Crazy shirt buttons.

One eyed fellow’s wife who betrayed him slept with Cylons. What does that mean for you and me? Nothing. Get up tomorrow, make yourself some bacon and eggs. Read the Sunday paper, even if it is Saturday. Don’t forget the coffee! That’s a weekend morning for you, just like any other.

Ol’ Popeye killed his traitor wife with poison. Possibly poison coffee. Fellas, don’t drink that coffee! You’d never guess! There was a fish in the percolator!

Explosions! Now we’re talking. Talking about explosions that is.

Ah ha, this must be why everyone likes this show. Action action action! Awesome action at that. No wonder the first episode of this two parter left me bored. It was all setup that I didn’t care about.

The battlestars? They don’t mess around. They actually aren’t stars, but mechanical flying beats with no religion.

Did you know that you can hear only one thing is space? It’s true. That is bagpipe music. Funny how it can resonate off of nothing. That is proof of how evil bagpipes are.

I think a flying horse just exploded. You don’t see that every day. Unless you live in a dimension full of bombs and flying horses.

Not to state plot points in any definitive way, but it looks like the humans were rescued off of some planet by a starship called Galactica.

Battlestar Galactica: Exodus

Battlestar GalacticaThis is the first episode of Battlestar Galactica that I have ever seen. I was encouraged to get myself up to date before watching this episode, but that isn’t what this site is about. Join me, in my confusion of seeing it for the first time!

Humans created Cylons. Cylons rebelled. I hope that is all I need to know.

Robot people, who might just be these Cylons I keep hearing so much about, murdered a truckload of people that were taken out to the middle of nowhere.

Oh yeah, and “frak” is the swear word of the future. But I learned that from Veronica Mars.

A friend or daughter of some dude with one eye is on a Cylon murder list. She escaped at the beginning of the episode. Someone in a mask let her go, actually. Not a Nixon mask or anything like that. Did Nixon exist in the Battlestar Galactica universe?

There were lots of explosions and gun fire. The resistance, as they may or may not be called, saved the trucks full of people.

There is a SciFi original movie on this weekend called Haunted Prison. That is going to be so awful, I can’t wait! It stars Gary Busey’s son!

From what I can tell, a guy who looks like John Travolta from Pulp Fiction is sad. I wonder who the most important character in this show is. That way, I can concentrate on them, and no one else. That could clear up a little confusion. Really, I’m just lazy. So it would allow my laziness to flourish.

Some attack is being planned. Soon, there will be space ships and loud explosions in space, even though there is no sound in space.

Hold up, someone is named Commander Pegasus. Pegasus, like a magical flying horse that you would find in the dreams of six year old girls.

An old smoking man in bloody clothes is talking to Xena, the princess who also a warrior. One of them is human and one of them a Cylon. I can’t tell which is which.

Dean Stockwell has shown up to drink booze and dream of candy colored clowns called the Sandman. See, I went for the Blue Velvet reference instead of the Quantum Leap reference.

A bunch of slow talking and plot development is happening. A dead baby who isn’t dead is involved. Damn, and this space fight is going to have to start in the next episode. I feel ripped off.

Okay, young lads and older fellows with acne scars. Go ahead and convince me that this show is better than I think it is.