Alias: Reckoning

We pick up where we left off last time. Sydney and pal accidentally blew up a gang of CIA fellas. And inhalers. Now Syd is going to show us what emotions sort of look like if you squint really hard.

Syd’s father, who works for the CIA and is spying on SD-6, was investigated by the FBI for possibly stealing secrets. The FBI agents was named Bentley, like the car. His new name will be VW Bus. Also, he died in a car crash with Syd’s mom. The VW Bus isn’t a very safe vehicle.

Bah. More emotions. Maybe once we get to the next scene…oh. More emotions.

Whoops. Hello, used DVD. You seem to have stopped. Ahhhh, there we go.

SD-6 is going after a group called FTL. They do not deliver flowers. But they do hide codes in birthday cards. SD-6 will be going after the special decoders.

Emotions.

Time for some Syd disguises. She is wearing a dark wig and a piece of carpet. I wonder how much that dress costs per foot.

It’s a good thing guards never look up. Syd would have been dead long ago then. Really, though, what is up that’s ever worth looking at? Stars? Yeah. Been there, done that.

There is some sub-plot about singing and another one about Will investigating the murder of Syd’s fiancé.

Emotions.

The greeting cards were decoded by DNA. Time to dig up a body! After finding it, of course. Through disguises.

When you leave an apartment in a state of disrepair, who leaves the fridge door open? That seems a little much.

Emotions.

Syd is in a foreign mental institution. Sure, it’s dirty and dank. But it’s universally covered! It looks like the guards are on to her. Come one, electroshock!

Cliffhanger! You folks better vote for Alias again next week!

DVD – Alias: Doppleganger

Here we are again, watching the DVDs that the loyal fans of Make Me Watch TV purchased. Purchased so I could be forced to watch more of their favorite shows. I still maintain that Jennifer Garner is no smarty, that shouldn’t effect my enjoyment. Or lack of enjoyment.

The blog tells me that I last watched Alias over a year ago. Wow. Let’s see how much I forgot.

Okay okay. Sydney works as a double agent for the CIA trying to bring down evil SD-6 with her father. Is there anyone on TV without daddy issues?

I totally skipped out on Alias in the middle of a two parter. Sydney got smacked down, and they implanted a bomb in somebody.

Don’t worry. She got away from those guys by running and kicking. I always try the first of those two. Kicking might come in handy sometime.

Nobel Peace Prize winners should not be truest. They could all have bombs secretly planted in them. I’m looking at you, Linus Carl Pauling.

Sydney and pal stole the prize winner and are racing around in an ambulance while trying to take the bomb out because the dudes with the remote detonation device are chasing them.

That was some fantastic action. Well done, Alias. Oh, now Sydney has a paper to finish. I forgot about this college business. Sigh.

Hah, okay. The first 12 minutes were the opener. Now the credits roll. Things had better get much more intense. I mean, we were just caressed by wonderful explosions.

It has been a year. I forgot about the guy with the huge head! Dang, Marshall! Your head is big!

A Halloween party is the sub-plot. Let’s ignore that. Sydney needs to sneak some longhair out of Germany. The CIA will be putting a look-alike, or doppelganger, in there German’s place. So CIA gets the real guy, evil SD-6 gets the fake guy. If everything goes right, which it will not.

Building infiltrated, computer cracked, gas putting everyone in the building to sleep. Ironic, Germans getting ga….anyway. Everything went off without a hitch.

Hey, it’s that cop from Heroes! Hopefully he has a little more courage in this show. This show took place before Heroes. Maybe I can warn him about how Heroes will suck.

Snag. The fake German doesn’t know where some vaccine was made. And soon he will be dead. Sloan, evil SD-6 boss, thinks something is up wit the fake German and Syd. Uh oh. Snag snag snag. Don’t worry. Evil but not evil but evil but not evil double daddy broke fake’s arm and planted him with the location of the vaccine. A broken arm should solve everything. Defaulted on mortgage? Broken arm. Forgot your anniversary? Broken arm. Everything is square.

Time to sneak into the vaccine plant, fake steal something try to fake blow something up, then blow out of there. I could do that.

Spy woman running at top speed are pretty cool. Not as cool as Cary Grant running in a suit, but still cool.

Whoops! CIA and real vaccines blown up. Snag!

Alias: A Broken Heart

Alias

AliasHello, guys and dolls. This evening’s viewing of Alias will not be brought to you live, as my cable modem has taken a nose dive into the lowest reaches of hell. So I am watching now, at 7 PM, and uploading it whenever my internet decides that it wants to work again.

When we last left our main character, Syd, she and Anna just looked into a mystery lockbox in the middle of a football field. What is it? Time to find out.

It is a piece of paper that is being slowly destroyed by a chemical substance. Syd and Anna had to memorize the number before it was gone. Syd gave the CIA and SD6 the correct code. SD6 are the bad guys. That probably stands for Scrappy Doo 6. The sixth iteration of the Scrappy Doo clone. Evil!

The binary code led to some building in Spain. Not a House of Pancakes. Do they have those in Spain? They are delicious.

Oh, it’s a church! I thought it would lead them to the rain on the plain.

Syd picked up a piece of stained glass that looked relevant, until it was dropped when Anna attacked her. Are you in a TV show? Then there will always be someone behind you. Remember that.

Syd won. Her reward? Going back to her pedestrian life and helping Syd’s friend spy on her boyfriend. Conclusion? He is cheating on her. That isn’t as exciting as fighting. Get back to the fighting.

Don’t worry. Quickly enough, we are off to Morocco. While spying on some guy meeting some other guy, their bodyguard recognized Syd. Fighting happened, one of Syd’s partners was killed, that’s just Morocco for you. Probably.

After the rough times in Morocco, it is time for a relaxing meal with your father. I mean, it’s time for a meal with your father where he stands you up. And he didn’t have to work like he said. He was just sitting in a car across from the restaurant. He might have been eating a Big Mac or something. I would cancel dinner too if I already had a Big Mac. Those things are big.

It is time to stop a bad guy from planting an explosive on a Nobel Peace Prize winner. The winner was drugged (winners don’t use drugs, by the way) and taken away by “ambulance” which Syd followed on yellow motorcycle.

The bad guys are actually implanting the explosives in the winner.

Alias: Parity

Alias

AliasFirst Everwood was winning. Then the ears of the Veronica Mars fans perked up. But, at the last moment, Nicole came in and sponsored this Alias viewing. Remember, boys and girls, if there are more than 2000 votes for a viewing slot, it can not be sponsored. If you don’t want the all mighty dollar to rule the day, tell your friends to vote. And don’t say it won’t happen, because the vote has been over 1000 before.

Is everything cleared up? Good. Time for Alias.

The last thing I remember is Syd getting caught trying to steal something. Or breaking free and getting caught. Or I don’t know. Maybe I don’t remember anything. Let’s continue.

Oh yeah, Syd found a nuclear ball, and then had a gun pointed at her head last time. No problem. Just juggle the deadly ball, kick the bad guy a bunch of times, and then catch the ball.

This all makes her term paper very late. Remember she is in college. You can’t tell the prof that you were killing people even if that is the reason for the late paper. Well, you can. You can do anything. It will just get you locked up. Three square meals and a place to sleep. Sign me up!

SD6, the bad guys, are trying to figure out what the Sigur Rós symbol the Syd stole is for. This was a relic of Milo Rambaldi, a prophet or an architect or something.

Syd’s new goal is to obtain a Rambaldi document from some German fellow. Not to leap into the future, but this is probably the mythical page 47. Anywho, there is computer code written on these pages. Written in the 1400s. I think Rambaldi is a computer that went back in time. An Apple 2gs, perhaps.

Now we are off to Madrid. Some gal named Ana Espinosa is there. I don’t know what her deal is yet. I do know she is “dangerous.” Hah, what woman isn’t? Am I right? Give me your high fives, gentlemen!

Marshall, the gadget guy, sure has a lot of good toys. Q can choke on his false teeth, the old fool.

Ah ha, Anna and Syd are trying to get the same sheet of Rambaldi paper. They are working for different evil companies. Anna is evil for real though. She got the paper, and now Syd finally kicked off her high heals to run after her. She should use those roller skate shoes. No she shouldn’t, unless they had jets on the back.

Anna kicked Syd’s butt! Syd has a couple of seasons to get better though. I mean, she can’t be all super awesome from the start. How is that for a string of well written sentences?

Anywho, Syd ended up with the secret document. That is all that matters.

Syd is having a poker party with her non-spy friends. One of them stumbled on to the fact that a traffic cam was pointed at Danny’s, Syd’s dead boyfriend’s, apartment. Snooping is a good way to get killed. Keep that in mind the next time you Google somebody.

Snoopy friend and Syd kissed. It was a little weird. Danny’s body isn’t even cold.

Ah ha, Syd stole the Rambaldi document, but it is locked in a box. Evil Anna has the key. Syd’s dad, a game theorist, thinks the best option would be to help each other out and share. Game theory is interesting. For example, I theorize that Tetris is fun. That isn’t actually what game theory is. I am a liar.

Both evil societies are sending Syd and Anna to meet in the middle of a football field with snipers all around, in case anything goes wrong. This had better not turn into Any Given Sunday or Jerry Maguire.

The box is open, something is making a creepy crawly sound, Anna and Syd look surprised, and the end. The end? This is just like 24! There is no good place to stop watching! But I will hold off, until Alias wins again.

Alias: So It Begins

Alias

AliasWith Everwood winning this week’s tiny amount of votes, Alias was sponsored. Remember? Any viewings with less than 3000 votes total can be overridden by a sponsorship. Last week we were close to 2000 votes for this time period. This week, it was almost 300. 300? You people left on vacation early, didn’t you?

At any rate, here we go with this week’s viewing of Alias sponsored by Nicole.

The episode starts off with a quick recap of what SD-6, the criminal organization, and the CIA, the good guys, are up to. Then, a black haired Sydney opens up the actual episode by running away from people in suits. I am not sure why, but I love to see people in suits running.

It was a flashback to three years ago, when Syd met the fellow who bankrolls the SD-6 operations in Paris. She is spinning this like a grand yarn to her new CIA buddies. Syd wants to bring down SD-6, and be done with all things that are spy. No more CIA, no more secret organizations. She wants to go back to normal life. To waiting in line like shmuck.

SD-6 is a much bigger than Syd thought. The realization of this broke her spirit a bit. Not as much as killing her fiancé did, but it was pretty effective.

In non-spy life, Syd is moving into a new apartment. Man, who knew that losing your loved one would be such a hassle? She is moving in with what looks to be Stevie’s mother from Malcolm in the Middle.

Sloane thinks he surprised Syd by introducing her to her father. Of course, she already knew that he worked for SD-6. What Sloane doesn’t know is they both work for the real CIA. Oh, and Syd’s dad knew that SD-6 was going to kill her fiancé.

Syd is stopping the transfer of documents to the Russians. She will return them to the CIA, who will make copies, and then she’ll get those papers to SD-6. It might be a disc too. Documents used to mean just papers. Or microfilm. Has microfilm been phased out completely in these modern spy times?

Jack Bauer may be tough as nails, but he doesn’t have the marshal arts training that Syd has. But Jack Bauer doesn’t cry when people he loves die.

It turns out that the document trade was going to be a theft, and not a buy. This means more people will have to be kicked and punched. Punched and kicked. And kicked again. After being punched.

There has been a constant driving trance techno beat throughout the whole mission, which lasted about 15 minutes. It did a great job of tying everything together and kept the feeling of constant action.

The documents pointed to a secret nuclear warhead that was buried on US soil during the cold war. I wish Dairy Queen had a major competitor. Then they could have cold war.

The warhead was buried in a cemetery in Virginia. Syd accidentally activated it by opening the coffin. May you rest in pieces. Hahahahahahahaha! I wish they had said that, instead of me. Now I can only make fun of myself.

SD-6 did some quick work and sold the nuke to some fellow in Cairo. Whoever it is probably just wants to turn the desert into a big sheet of glass. The CIA is none too happy that Syd accidentally helped SD-6.

Awwww, that’s sweet. Syd’s dad tried to get her fiancé out of town before he was killed, but it was too late. That will mend some bridges. It needed some properly constructed web gaps. Yeah, that’s a bridge construction term. Web gap.

Syd has flown off to Cairo to deactivate the nuke. She doesn’t need to wear a wig this time, because she can just wear a concealing burka. Heck, all woman in Cairo could be spys! I would not want to live in Cairo.

Syd retrieved the core to the nuke, ther is a gun pointed at her head, episode over. D’oh.

Alright, Alias fans. I would watch this show again without being forced to. You win. Happy?

Alias: Truth Be Told

Alias

AliasIn a grand showing this week, Alias fans came out in force to support their favorite show. Everwood and Veronica Mars were both left in the dust.

And so it starts, episode one of season one. The flashing screen explains that I am, indeed, watching Alias.

Sydney starts out being drown by some Asian fellows. The next thing you know, she is in college. How time flies when…oh…now she is being proposed to. None of this has to do with kicking butt.

Wow, Syd’s dad is a jerk. Her boyfriend called to ask permission to marry her, and he was none to pleased. He was even rude about it. Remember how the Olson twins said, “How wude” on Full House all the time? I bet they still say it, when they aren’t falling through grates in the floor.

We are meeting the cast of characters at Syd’s mysterious job. Marshall is a stuttering nerd, showing Syd all the neat toys she will get to use. She is going somewhere to look at something. I’ll know more when they show me instead of telling me.

Also, Syd is showing internal conflict on her face. She also turned up the music loud, stripped down, and took a shower with her fiancé. Why? To tell him that she is in the CIA. He didn’t react too well.

Flash forward, I think, to a chubby Asian man sticking Syd with a needle full of colorful stuff. That must be the worst Asian buffet in the world!

Syd totally isn’t going to marry the guy who proposed to her. Unless she does and he blows up or something. I’ve only seen the beginning and end of this series. There are years of gaps in between. I guess things could happen in that gap.

Syd’s fiancé is drunk dialing her machine while she is out doing super spy work. Someone in monitoring the call, of course. Syd wasn’t supposed to tell anyone that she was a super spy for the CIA. Now her boss will be upset.

With photographic proof in hand, Syd made it out just in time. She had to make up some Tennessee Williams brand acting to fool some people, but it worked out alright.

Oh, and her fiancé is dead. She shouldn’t have told him. This isn’t like Fight Club were you can sort of tell about Fight Club. The CIA killed him, to keep their secrecy. That is pretty hard core. Yuck, let me think of a better phrase than that. That is pretty…far out? No, that’s worse. Forget it.

Back to the future, where the slightly plump Asian fellow is threatening to yank out red haired Syd’s teeth. I bet the CIA has a good dental plan. They can do wonderful things with dental reconstruction these days. Just make sure they don’t fill all of your teeth with cyanide. Then you could never eat Grape Nuts again.

Now Syd is being chased. It turns out she doesn’t work for the CIA at all. She has been lied to. She works for an enemy of the US. Also, her dad, he doesn’t not work for the not CIA too. That won’t make any sense. Anyway, he came to her rescue from the good men that are actually bad men.

It looks like Syd has set out on her own to steal the thing she photographed on the previous mission. Can you imagine what it would be like if Ansel Adams stole the things he took pictures off? He would be the greatest spy in history! Except, he wouldn’t be in history, if he were a great spy. They stay hidden, like ninjas with toys.

So Syd is stealing this thinger that looks like the Sigur Rós symbol to piss off her former employers. Not that they weren’t already pissed off. I mean, they did try to kill her.

Look at that, a ton of action! J.J. Abrams brings movie action to television.

Wait, Syd just gave the thing she stole to the good guys that are the bad guys. Why would she do such a thing? Oh, I think I see. She is going to the CIA. Probably to try and infiltrate the bad guys. Spies will always try to outspy other spies. Spies like us.

Syd’s father is a double agent for the CIA too. That turned out nice and rosy.

Not a bad beginning, overall. I might have my wife interested in the show too. Don’t get me wrong, Alias fans. I’m not converted yet. You hold on.

Everwood fans enter like a ton of bricks

Everwood fans came out of the woodwork this week, showing their support en mass for their favorite show. Not only did they amass a significant amount votes for their favorite show this week, but they also quickly stepped up to throw their hat into the TV DVD weekends here at Make Me Watch TV.

That’s right, Everwood – The Complete First Season was purchased after one very generous donation to the fund. The DVD should be coming at the end of next week, so it will be ready to do battle directly with Veronica Mars and Alias very soon.

And on that note, TV DVD voting is open for this weekend. Last week was a very tight battle fought between Alias and Veronica Mars. Who will come out on top this weekend? Vote now and check back Sunday for the results!

Battlestar Galactica – Season One (2004) – Donated: $10.00
Everwood – The Complete First Season – Donated: Paid In Full!!!
Alias – The Complete First Season – Donated: Paid In Full!!!
Veronica Mars – The Complete First Season – Donated: Paid In Full!!!

Fill up my weekends, everybody! Make Me Watch TV DVDs!

Alias: Reprisal/All the Time in the World

Alias

AliasIt’s the very last episode of Alias ever! Get out your tissues. You don’t want to mess up your mascara from all of that crying.

Team Alias, or the CIA (whatever you want to call them), is getting visual confirmation of Prophet 5 members from around the world. Er…bad guy members. Why? Dunno. Maybe they’ll explain it next episode. Just kidding, there is no next episode.

Now Team Alias has a face for each of the head members of Prophet 5. Things can’t not go down this episode! There is going to be so much action!

Don’t get too confused now. Prophet 5 is headed up by 12 people. All of these big numbers give me trouble. Anywho, the A-Team needs to apprehend everyone at the same time, so they don’t tip off the others about what is going on. I bet they’re going to synchronize their watches and stuff!

Mac Tonight is married? Huh, that kind of surprises me. Hey, all of you who aren’t married? You need to get a spouse. They will surprise you by buying Drumstick brand ice cream treats! They are delicious!

Oh no, moon head got captured! So did some blonde girl who I don’t know who she is. Aww nuts, now they are torturing him. I can’t make fun of his head size any more. He’s being too good to make fun of. Also, his wife didn’t know he worked for the CIA. That’s a tough secret to keep.

Sloane’s daughter ghost vision is back. She had better not be the undoing of Prophet 5. That would make me angry. Like if a puppy killed Hitler. That isn’t a fitting end for a horrible person.

Now Sloane stopped by to see Syd in a parking lot, but just to get her to tell Marshall to do his bidding. Then he was off like a prom dress.

Marshall and blonde girl pinpointed some location for Sloane in central Italy. It’s probably the location of a really good Italian restaurant. Just tell them Big Head sent you. They’ll understand.

Marshall is very short too! Maybe that is why he is always sitting down. I like Marshall. He’s goofy.

I could stop watching Alias after the first hour, but I don’t want to. I told my wife that I wanted to watch the full two hours. She says she will hold that against me. Thanks, Alias fans. You made me a bigger geek than I already was.

Now we have fallen into a movie about mountain climbing. Mountain climbing and long non-passionate kisses. Also there is some spelunking. After all of that excitement and sarcasm, Syd found Sloane in a ice cave. Sloane was glad that Syd had come. Seems like he has been expecting her. That can’t be good.

There is a bomb in the New York subways system, designed to blow up the CIA headquarters. That one girl, you know, from Prophet 5, just killed the 12 heads of Prophet 5. Syd just got trapped in a cave in. Hooray for action!

Wait, what now? Sloane is trading the secrets to whatever it is to blow things up with missiles and cause global genocide? I’m in over my head here. I have nothing in my own personal arsenal to solve the plot at this point.

Does this KFC tub of mashed potatoes, corn, chicken, gravy, and cheese sound terrible to anybody else?

Ahhh, I knew if I waited, things would piece themselves together. Sloane plans to target to large cities and then prophet off of their reconstruction. He is also in Mongolia. I hope he isn’t trying to get to China. They have a wall. They also have SARs. Or had SARs.
They have been having Syd flashbacks this episode. Soul Asylum’s Runaway Train instantly dates anything if it playing in the background.

Question: What do you get when you take a magic spinning sphere filled with blood out of the its socket while a bigger globe of blood is floating above it?
Answer: A mess.

You know what pisses Syd off? Shooting her father. A word to the wise, you probably don’t want to do that. She will shoot you in the forehead.

Sloane had a partner though! Oh yeah, Sloane was the one who shot Syd’s father. That aside, his partner is Syd’s mom. I think. I only saw her once, and when I saw her she was playing midwife.

Snot is the new tear.

Syd’s mom is going to blow up Washington and London. Probably Washington, D.C. There is nothing in Washington state to blow up, except trees.

Huh. Sloane just sat up sans bullet wounds. It looks like some editor just messed up! He can’t possibly be alive again due to magic blood balls.

Syd and mommy are coming to blows on a rooftop. They just jumped through a window. That’s sort of like wrestling in Jell-O. Glass and Jell-O are pretty similar, right? Shiny.

So Sloane is immortal now, but Syd’s dad got back down to him in the cavern. He blew himself up, so Sloane would be trapped for eternity buried underground. That is awesome! A fate much worse than death.

Syd’s alive, mommy’s dead, Syd’s boyfriend is alive, big head is alive, lots of people are alive. Looks like a happy ending to me. We have flashed forward to the future where Syd and husband have another kid named after her dad.

Sark is still out there, terror continues, the game goes on. But the series is over. If only it ended on Sloane’s desperate cries. You can’t have everything though.

Alias: No Hard Feelings

Alias

AliasThe J.J. Abrams’ two hour powerhouse is back again this week, starting off with Alias.

If you forgot, Syd is pretending to be fake Syd after she killed fake Syd that was pretending to be Syd. So Syd is infiltrating Prophet 5. Or, as I like to put it, the bad guys. No confusion there. It is very black and white.

Syd is fooling everyone pretty well. In fact, they are even sending her to Rome on a mission. She even fooled Sloane. Of course, Sloane has some clouded judgment. He did kill his daughter without much remorse.

The Alias gang, as I will refer to the CIA, found a bunker in Germany last episode. It is full of proof of the existence and doings of the bad guys. They don’t seem to be doing much with it. Now they are packing up and going to Rome. So the bunker is important why?

Oooh, Sloane got a story from fake Syd who is real Syd about how she murdered real Syd who was fake Syd. Since fake Syd was to be terminated at the end of the assignment anyway, Sloane wants to be the one to pull the trigger. Maybe it isn’t all black and white. Sloane still is a little white. It makes a very dark gray, but it isn’t pure black.

Now the show is about birdwatchers. Someone names Tom is looking for a cardinal. Oh, maybe he’s talking about baseball. Heck, it’s easy enough to head down to St. Louis to catch a game. Why all the mystery, Tom?

Hooray for explosions! Syd and another fellow blew up a betting parlor to get arrested. You see, the thing they are trying to get, you know. The, ummm, we’ll call it treasure. There, that makes everything easier. The treasure told about in the prophecies of page 47 is hidden in a prison. The show just turned into bizzaro Prison Break.

Awww, adorable. The creepy old prisoner was upset because “the beautiful man is dying.” Of course, the “beautiful man” is the bad guy that broke into prison with fake real Syd.

Bad guy did some computer jazz, and now Syd is free to look for treasure. She had better watch out for ghosts and pirates. Oh no! A ghost! Or an old man. Whoever they are, they have been waiting for Syd for a long time. That could be anywhere from 12 hours to 99 years. Old ghost pirate man needs to be more specific.

The old man is the treasure? Has this entire series been up-with-senior-citizens propaganda?

The old man had an amulet. He believes this is all part of fate, and this action or amulet or something will bring about the end of the world, and there is no stopping it. Now Sloane is choking Syd. Fun!

Of course Syd got away. Sloane has the amulet though. What does it all mean? In J.J. Abrams fashion, you always get more questions than answers. Speaking of, it is time for Lost, where we will get a new serious of questions.

Alias: I See Dead People

Alias

AliasAlias fans voted in droves again, thus I am seated here watching a two hour J.J. Abrams drama fiesta.

Some bad stuff went down last episode. Mr. Slone saved his daughter then he killed her. Syd who wasn’t Syd killed one of Syd’s friends. I can only hope there is as much fun stuff going on this episode.

Someone named Renee had a computer chip in her tummy. She shouldn’t have been eating that! Fake Syd slicing her throat must not have killed her at all!

Slone is now entirely bad. No more pretending to be nice. He’ll do anything he needs to do to unlock the mysteries of page 47. I’d turn bad for a bagel cheddarwurst. Have you ever had those? They are great!

I finally remembered what Marshall’s giant head reminded me of. Does anyone remember the McDonald’s Mac Tonight mascot from years and years ago? Big head, really concave? He and Marshall must have been separated at birth.

Slone is giving fake Syd the scoop on Syd. The “intel” if you will. Fake Syd was surprised that not fake Syd had a baby. I think that would be something they already briefed her on. It isn’t like the bad guys didn’t know about Syd’s baby. They saved it, for goodness sake.

Mac Tonight figured out that their phones had been bugged. Just in time to save Syd’s life, of course. She did have to do some fancy killing while driving with one hand over a dead driver. J.J. Abrams brings movie action to the small screen. Just like when I saw the first episode of Lost, the production value is better than TV deserves.

Fake Syd blew up real Syd, but she didn’t. Don’t worry. I have a gut feeling.

I was right! I am so damn smart! But now fake Syd is with real Syd’s baby daddy. Is it cheating if it’s a doppelganger?

Slone is going crazy too. Or his daughter is now a ghost. She probably isn’t a ghost. He isn’t Jennifer Love Hewitt, after all.

Oh Syd’s baby daddy, you just told the spy that the other half of the mystery chip might be in your body. His chest will soon be opened wider than Britney Spears’ legs. What, did she wait two days before getting pregnant again? Probably because they wouldn’t let K-Fed alone with her in the hospital.

The two chips came together to form Voltron: Defender of the Universe. Or, rather, the map of a fallout bunker in Germany. A giant robot would have been preferable, but this show can’t have everything. It has to leave some awesome for the other TV shows.

Some things happen, they got into the secret bunker, but what does it all mean? At least we have some time left. The action seems to always go down at the end of this show.

Syd’s baby daddy knew the fake Syd was fake. Now if he were only a better fighter. He didn’t have to be, because real Syd saved the day. Now I can stop saying fake, unless fake Syd is just fake dead. Not when she was shot through the head, I guess.

Oh no! Slone slipped a note to someone who I don’t know who it is! Stranger danger!

But real Syd is pretending to be fake Syd now. Oddly enough, I’m not confused.

Alias: There’s Only One Sydney Bristow

Alias

AliasBy overwhelming majority, tonight we watch Alias. Take note, Veronica Mars and Doctor Who fans. This is how you rally together and support a show. What I am saying is, pick up the pace!

We start off with Mr. Sloane, a fellow I remember seeing last week. Do I remember anything about him from last week? No. Some shadow group has his daughter, and he must do one more task to get her back. I think they need him to do one more task, and then kill him.

Meanwhile, the girl who almost got killed by a fire extinguisher is hiring someone in an off the records jail to get rid of DAR. I mean, Sydney. This big lipped and grumpy prisoner seems pretty damn tough. Her lips are bigger than those of Angelina Jolie’s. They are like two very dense clouds that are getting ready to implode in on themselves. She zapped some fellow in the chest for some reason. I was on the verge of recognizing him. Thanks a lot, Big Lips.

Mr. Sloane reminds me a lot of Bob Balaban. I will call him Bob.

The shocked guy was named Will. Is named Will. I guess I must have seen him last episode. After all, I did see a lot last episode. There were two hours of it.

To follow up her five minute birthing, Sydney is now off of maternity leave in a mere five weeks. These things come in fives. Will she retire in five episodes?

I am fully expecting Sydney to be a little more badass this episode. After all, she is no longer spying for two.

Seriously, though! Marshall has a giant head! Don’t even try to deny it.

Syd is sneaking into a Moscow party. I am not sure why she and her spy buddies are there. I probably just missed it while I was trying to eat food.

Ahh, they are looking for Will. Then they found him. Too easily. It was a trap, of course. Super spies should know better than that. I think Big Lips infected Syd with something. My brain is trying to wrap itself around the many people watching many different things behind many different TVs.

Ah HA! Will was on Kitchen Confidential. That was not a terrible show. It was better than The Loop.

Everyone is now back and “safe” from Moscow. There is some business with isotope transfers. The bad guys also put a bomb in Will’s head. A bomb in his head? That is pretty awesome. I think I am coming around on this show! And you thought cell phones were going to destroy your brain.

Big Lips is getting Syd on a train with page 47 of some book. This page predicted the coming of Syd, and the great deeds she will do. I wish I had a book like that. I want to see what I am going to do in the future. Besides die, of course. I already know that part.

In exchange for the magical page 47, they are supposed to get the codes to turn off Will’s brain bomb. That sounds like a fantastic drink. It would probably have rum and pineapple juice in it.

While Syd fights with Big Lips, Will’s head starts beeping. That is a tough situation. Big Lips got away with page 47, Will did not explode, and Syd is trapped in a room while doing a scene from Carrie.

The red shower that is covering Syd is collecting her DNA. I have a feeling that they are going to do something bad with it. Bad guys usually do not do nice and decent things with people’s stolen DNA.

From what I gather, they are genetically altering Big Lips with Syd’s DNA. So now, two Syd’s. Dun dun dun!

That show is okay with me.

Alias

Alias

AliasFinally, a new Alias! Wait, I have never seen Alias before. There is no reason for me to be excited.

The lead character is pregnant, and is a super spy machine. I hope she is also pregnant with a super spy machine. I will call her DAR, or Dumb As Rocks. Have you ever seen her on a talk show before? Dumb as rocks.

All the men in this show have gigantic heads. I bet they are all aliens! It is a secret!

There is a conspiracy in the CIA! The real CIA, I think. Not the fake CIA I heard about. Even if you do not watch a show, you can catch on to bits and pieces of it from people you know. DAR was working for the fake CIA at one point. I can only assume she is working for the real CIA now.

There is a traitor in the real CIA though. Maybe they just miss the fake CIA.

Sorry, Veronica Mars fans. This episode is two hours long, so I will not be able to catch Veronica Mars tonight! Tell you what, I will not let anyone sponsor the Veronica Mars time period next week. So if Veronica Mars wins, I will watch it for sure.

DAR is stuck on a boat with bad people. One of them is the meek girl from Freaks and Geeks. The main girl’s geeky, wussy friend.

The CIA now needs to break into the CIA. That does not make any sense. Maybe the people DAR works for are not CIA. I will call them the Big Heads, so we do not get confused.

A whole bunch of people from the Big Heads are breaking into the CIA. It is happening very efficiently, with lots of gadgets. I think I know why the have big heads! That is for their giant robot brains! As time goes on, silicon chips get smaller and smaller. Soon, they will have normal sized heads. Until then? Giant robot heads!

That was some good acting typing! Mashing your fingers on the keyboard in no order shows that you are accessing something. Look at me try to access a secret file:

sdfexczDSafwae

Damn, it did not work. I guess it only works that way on TV. Do not try it at home, or at the real CIA, or the fake CIA.

Aww dang, DAR is totally not feeling good. She just got her gun taken from her, and all she could do was stare at the air where gun once was. Then she fell over. That probably is not good for the baby inside her tummy.

DAR woke up on a hospital bed, still on the big boat. A Russian told her not to worry. A large man with a thick Russian accent probably does not have a calming effect. Vodka, on the other hand, is a whole different story.

Alpha Black is the highest clearance in the CIA. If you ever need to get back stage at a concert, tell them you have Alpha Black clearance. If that does not work, tell them you have some illegal narcotics. That should get you in.

Man, these are some giant heads!

Hey, that is a new interrogation method. Shoot the suspect in the chest at almost point blank range, then ask him questions! You are bound to get something out of them, even if it just lots and lots of blood.

The Big Head CIA has figured out which boat DAR is on. Helicopters away!

Oh no! Needle in the pregnant belly! That has to be one damn long needle. They got a sample of amniotic fluid. That is different from amber. Amber is a dinosaur egg that never hatched. Or maybe it is fossilized tree sap. Choose the definition that is more fun to you.

DAR recognized the evil doctor on the boat she is trapped on. I did not. You see, I have never seen this show before. I acted like I was surprised about who it was, but I was not surprised.

Big Head buddies are on the boat now. That was quick. That must have been one hell of a helicopter.

They saved DAR! Hooray! I think the bad people stole her baby! Oh no! I have lots of Easter candy left! Hooray!

They did not steal her baby. Rats. That would have been a little more interesting. The bad guys did save her baby’s life, which is kind of interesting.

Ambulances do not stand a chance against semi-trucks. Haha, that CIA traitor who got interrogated and shot twice, just got shot three times more. Of course, they shot him once before asking him questions. Then the other two shots kind of sort of killed him. That was fun.

Needless to say, I am more than a little confused. Will the last hour of this show resolve my questions? No. Let us continue watching!

I do not think you understand just how big these people’s heads are! Like hot air balloons are their heads!

Oh my goodness! It is DAR’s mother! Look at me being shocked for an unknown reason! DAR’s mom seems to know a lot of information for some reason. She also has an Irish accent that keeps slipping in and out. I think that means she is evil. Just like Kevin Costner in Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves.

These Big Head folks globetrot more than the Harlem Globetrotters. Actually, those guys stay in the United States, I think. So it is not hard to out trot the trotters.

Now DAR and mommy and poppy are all breaking into a bank in Vancouver. It is a family affair. Haha! Mommy is bad! I knew that was coming. Now the other bad guys are coming to help her.

Ah ha, DAR’s mom was on the ship. I knew I was right to act surprised. Here comes the baby. For a two hour episode, it is nice that they are leading up to lots of big things happening.

These commercial breaks are nice and long, for bathroom breaks. They are also terribly long, and I find myself losing interest in the show during these breaks.

I figured out what is wrong with this show! I do not find the bad guys threatening! They almost seem goofy. That is no way for bad guys to be in an action show. They just blew up a helicopter (there are more helicopters in this show than cars) and I still do not fear for DAR’s life. Now it is time for a commercial break. Losing more interest!

Haha, the KGB made mommy have DAR. She never wanted to have her. That is no way to solve the overpopulation of the world. Damn KGB.

Similar to Lost, this show promises more than it delivers. It is that damn J.J. Abrams I tell you! He tricks you into thinking things are really happening, when really they are not.

DAR had her baby. After two hours of this, I do not give a damn. Oh yeah, and the folks ABC are bastards for making all of their big dramas go a minute past the hour. Thanks for making us miss the beginnings of our other shows, ABC! We really appreciate it.

I am grumpy. At least my head is of average size.