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Alias: Reckoning

We pick up where we left off last time. Sydney and pal accidentally blew up a gang of CIA fellas. And inhalers. Now Syd is going to show us what emotions sort of look like if you squint really hard.

Syd’s father, who works for the CIA and is spying on SD-6, was investigated by the FBI for possibly stealing secrets. The FBI agents was named Bentley, like the car. His new name will be VW Bus. Also, he died in a car crash with Syd’s mom. The VW Bus isn’t a very safe vehicle.

Bah. More emotions. Maybe once we get to the next scene…oh. More emotions.

Whoops. Hello, used DVD. You seem to have stopped. Ahhhh, there we go.

SD-6 is going after a group called FTL. They do not deliver flowers. But they do hide codes in birthday cards. SD-6 will be going after the special decoders.

Emotions.

Time for some Syd disguises. She is wearing a dark wig and a piece of carpet. I wonder how much that dress costs per foot.

It’s a good thing guards never look up. Syd would have been dead long ago then. Really, though, what is up that’s ever worth looking at? Stars? Yeah. Been there, done that.

There is some sub-plot about singing and another one about Will investigating the murder of Syd’s fiancé.

Emotions.

The greeting cards were decoded by DNA. Time to dig up a body! After finding it, of course. Through disguises.

When you leave an apartment in a state of disrepair, who leaves the fridge door open? That seems a little much.

Emotions.

Syd is in a foreign mental institution. Sure, it’s dirty and dank. But it’s universally covered! It looks like the guards are on to her. Come one, electroshock!

Cliffhanger! You folks better vote for Alias again next week!


DVD – Alias: Doppleganger

Here we are again, watching the DVDs that the loyal fans of Make Me Watch TV purchased. Purchased so I could be forced to watch more of their favorite shows. I still maintain that Jennifer Garner is no smarty, that shouldn’t effect my enjoyment. Or lack of enjoyment.

The blog tells me that I last watched Alias over a year ago. Wow. Let’s see how much I forgot.

Okay okay. Sydney works as a double agent for the CIA trying to bring down evil SD-6 with her father. Is there anyone on TV without daddy issues?

I totally skipped out on Alias in the middle of a two parter. Sydney got smacked down, and they implanted a bomb in somebody.

Don’t worry. She got away from those guys by running and kicking. I always try the first of those two. Kicking might come in handy sometime.

Nobel Peace Prize winners should not be truest. They could all have bombs secretly planted in them. I’m looking at you, Linus Carl Pauling.

Sydney and pal stole the prize winner and are racing around in an ambulance while trying to take the bomb out because the dudes with the remote detonation device are chasing them.

That was some fantastic action. Well done, Alias. Oh, now Sydney has a paper to finish. I forgot about this college business. Sigh.

Hah, okay. The first 12 minutes were the opener. Now the credits roll. Things had better get much more intense. I mean, we were just caressed by wonderful explosions.

It has been a year. I forgot about the guy with the huge head! Dang, Marshall! Your head is big!

A Halloween party is the sub-plot. Let’s ignore that. Sydney needs to sneak some longhair out of Germany. The CIA will be putting a look-alike, or doppelganger, in there German’s place. So CIA gets the real guy, evil SD-6 gets the fake guy. If everything goes right, which it will not.

Building infiltrated, computer cracked, gas putting everyone in the building to sleep. Ironic, Germans getting ga….anyway. Everything went off without a hitch.

Hey, it’s that cop from Heroes! Hopefully he has a little more courage in this show. This show took place before Heroes. Maybe I can warn him about how Heroes will suck.

Snag. The fake German doesn’t know where some vaccine was made. And soon he will be dead. Sloan, evil SD-6 boss, thinks something is up wit the fake German and Syd. Uh oh. Snag snag snag. Don’t worry. Evil but not evil but evil but not evil double daddy broke fake’s arm and planted him with the location of the vaccine. A broken arm should solve everything. Defaulted on mortgage? Broken arm. Forgot your anniversary? Broken arm. Everything is square.

Time to sneak into the vaccine plant, fake steal something try to fake blow something up, then blow out of there. I could do that.

Spy woman running at top speed are pretty cool. Not as cool as Cary Grant running in a suit, but still cool.

Whoops! CIA and real vaccines blown up. Snag!


Alias: A Broken Heart

AliasHello, guys and dolls. This evening’s viewing of Alias will not be brought to you live, as my cable modem has taken a nose dive into the lowest reaches of hell. So I am watching now, at 7 PM, and uploading it whenever my internet decides that it wants to work again.

When we last left our main character, Syd, she and Anna just looked into a mystery lockbox in the middle of a football field. What is it? Time to find out.

It is a piece of paper that is being slowly destroyed by a chemical substance. Syd and Anna had to memorize the number before it was gone. Syd gave the CIA and SD6 the correct code. SD6 are the bad guys. That probably stands for Scrappy Doo 6. The sixth iteration of the Scrappy Doo clone. Evil!

The binary code led to some building in Spain. Not a House of Pancakes. Do they have those in Spain? They are delicious.

Oh, it’s a church! I thought it would lead them to the rain on the plain.

Syd picked up a piece of stained glass that looked relevant, until it was dropped when Anna attacked her. Are you in a TV show? Then there will always be someone behind you. Remember that.

Syd won. Her reward? Going back to her pedestrian life and helping Syd’s friend spy on her boyfriend. Conclusion? He is cheating on her. That isn’t as exciting as fighting. Get back to the fighting.

Don’t worry. Quickly enough, we are off to Morocco. While spying on some guy meeting some other guy, their bodyguard recognized Syd. Fighting happened, one of Syd’s partners was killed, that’s just Morocco for you. Probably.

After the rough times in Morocco, it is time for a relaxing meal with your father. I mean, it’s time for a meal with your father where he stands you up. And he didn’t have to work like he said. He was just sitting in a car across from the restaurant. He might have been eating a Big Mac or something. I would cancel dinner too if I already had a Big Mac. Those things are big.

It is time to stop a bad guy from planting an explosive on a Nobel Peace Prize winner. The winner was drugged (winners don’t use drugs, by the way) and taken away by “ambulance” which Syd followed on yellow motorcycle.

The bad guys are actually implanting the explosives in the winner.


Alias: Parity

AliasFirst Everwood was winning. Then the ears of the Veronica Mars fans perked up. But, at the last moment, Nicole came in and sponsored this Alias viewing. Remember, boys and girls, if there are more than 2000 votes for a viewing slot, it can not be sponsored. If you don’t want the all mighty dollar to rule the day, tell your friends to vote. And don’t say it won’t happen, because the vote has been over 1000 before.

Is everything cleared up? Good. Time for Alias.

The last thing I remember is Syd getting caught trying to steal something. Or breaking free and getting caught. Or I don’t know. Maybe I don’t remember anything. Let’s continue.

Oh yeah, Syd found a nuclear ball, and then had a gun pointed at her head last time. No problem. Just juggle the deadly ball, kick the bad guy a bunch of times, and then catch the ball.

This all makes her term paper very late. Remember she is in college. You can’t tell the prof that you were killing people even if that is the reason for the late paper. Well, you can. You can do anything. It will just get you locked up. Three square meals and a place to sleep. Sign me up!

SD6, the bad guys, are trying to figure out what the Sigur Rós symbol the Syd stole is for. This was a relic of Milo Rambaldi, a prophet or an architect or something.

Syd’s new goal is to obtain a Rambaldi document from some German fellow. Not to leap into the future, but this is probably the mythical page 47. Anywho, there is computer code written on these pages. Written in the 1400s. I think Rambaldi is a computer that went back in time. An Apple 2gs, perhaps.

Now we are off to Madrid. Some gal named Ana Espinosa is there. I don’t know what her deal is yet. I do know she is “dangerous.” Hah, what woman isn’t? Am I right? Give me your high fives, gentlemen!

Marshall, the gadget guy, sure has a lot of good toys. Q can choke on his false teeth, the old fool.

Ah ha, Anna and Syd are trying to get the same sheet of Rambaldi paper. They are working for different evil companies. Anna is evil for real though. She got the paper, and now Syd finally kicked off her high heals to run after her. She should use those roller skate shoes. No she shouldn’t, unless they had jets on the back.

Anna kicked Syd’s butt! Syd has a couple of seasons to get better though. I mean, she can’t be all super awesome from the start. How is that for a string of well written sentences?

Anywho, Syd ended up with the secret document. That is all that matters.

Syd is having a poker party with her non-spy friends. One of them stumbled on to the fact that a traffic cam was pointed at Danny’s, Syd’s dead boyfriend’s, apartment. Snooping is a good way to get killed. Keep that in mind the next time you Google somebody.

Snoopy friend and Syd kissed. It was a little weird. Danny’s body isn’t even cold.

Ah ha, Syd stole the Rambaldi document, but it is locked in a box. Evil Anna has the key. Syd’s dad, a game theorist, thinks the best option would be to help each other out and share. Game theory is interesting. For example, I theorize that Tetris is fun. That isn’t actually what game theory is. I am a liar.

Both evil societies are sending Syd and Anna to meet in the middle of a football field with snipers all around, in case anything goes wrong. This had better not turn into Any Given Sunday or Jerry Maguire.

The box is open, something is making a creepy crawly sound, Anna and Syd look surprised, and the end. The end? This is just like 24! There is no good place to stop watching! But I will hold off, until Alias wins again.


Alias: So It Begins

AliasWith Everwood winning this week’s tiny amount of votes, Alias was sponsored. Remember? Any viewings with less than 3000 votes total can be overridden by a sponsorship. Last week we were close to 2000 votes for this time period. This week, it was almost 300. 300? You people left on vacation early, didn’t you?

At any rate, here we go with this week’s viewing of Alias sponsored by Nicole.

The episode starts off with a quick recap of what SD-6, the criminal organization, and the CIA, the good guys, are up to. Then, a black haired Sydney opens up the actual episode by running away from people in suits. I am not sure why, but I love to see people in suits running.

It was a flashback to three years ago, when Syd met the fellow who bankrolls the SD-6 operations in Paris. She is spinning this like a grand yarn to her new CIA buddies. Syd wants to bring down SD-6, and be done with all things that are spy. No more CIA, no more secret organizations. She wants to go back to normal life. To waiting in line like shmuck.

SD-6 is a much bigger than Syd thought. The realization of this broke her spirit a bit. Not as much as killing her fiancé did, but it was pretty effective.

In non-spy life, Syd is moving into a new apartment. Man, who knew that losing your loved one would be such a hassle? She is moving in with what looks to be Stevie’s mother from Malcolm in the Middle.

Sloane thinks he surprised Syd by introducing her to her father. Of course, she already knew that he worked for SD-6. What Sloane doesn’t know is they both work for the real CIA. Oh, and Syd’s dad knew that SD-6 was going to kill her fiancé.

Syd is stopping the transfer of documents to the Russians. She will return them to the CIA, who will make copies, and then she’ll get those papers to SD-6. It might be a disc too. Documents used to mean just papers. Or microfilm. Has microfilm been phased out completely in these modern spy times?

Jack Bauer may be tough as nails, but he doesn’t have the marshal arts training that Syd has. But Jack Bauer doesn’t cry when people he loves die.

It turns out that the document trade was going to be a theft, and not a buy. This means more people will have to be kicked and punched. Punched and kicked. And kicked again. After being punched.

There has been a constant driving trance techno beat throughout the whole mission, which lasted about 15 minutes. It did a great job of tying everything together and kept the feeling of constant action.

The documents pointed to a secret nuclear warhead that was buried on US soil during the cold war. I wish Dairy Queen had a major competitor. Then they could have cold war.

The warhead was buried in a cemetery in Virginia. Syd accidentally activated it by opening the coffin. May you rest in pieces. Hahahahahahahaha! I wish they had said that, instead of me. Now I can only make fun of myself.

SD-6 did some quick work and sold the nuke to some fellow in Cairo. Whoever it is probably just wants to turn the desert into a big sheet of glass. The CIA is none too happy that Syd accidentally helped SD-6.

Awwww, that’s sweet. Syd’s dad tried to get her fiancé out of town before he was killed, but it was too late. That will mend some bridges. It needed some properly constructed web gaps. Yeah, that’s a bridge construction term. Web gap.

Syd has flown off to Cairo to deactivate the nuke. She doesn’t need to wear a wig this time, because she can just wear a concealing burka. Heck, all woman in Cairo could be spys! I would not want to live in Cairo.

Syd retrieved the core to the nuke, ther is a gun pointed at her head, episode over. D’oh.

Alright, Alias fans. I would watch this show again without being forced to. You win. Happy?


Alias: Truth Be Told

AliasIn a grand showing this week, Alias fans came out in force to support their favorite show. Everwood and Veronica Mars were both left in the dust.

And so it starts, episode one of season one. The flashing screen explains that I am, indeed, watching Alias.

Sydney starts out being drown by some Asian fellows. The next thing you know, she is in college. How time flies when…oh…now she is being proposed to. None of this has to do with kicking butt.

Wow, Syd’s dad is a jerk. Her boyfriend called to ask permission to marry her, and he was none to pleased. He was even rude about it. Remember how the Olson twins said, “How wude” on Full House all the time? I bet they still say it, when they aren’t falling through grates in the floor.

We are meeting the cast of characters at Syd’s mysterious job. Marshall is a stuttering nerd, showing Syd all the neat toys she will get to use. She is going somewhere to look at something. I’ll know more when they show me instead of telling me.

Also, Syd is showing internal conflict on her face. She also turned up the music loud, stripped down, and took a shower with her fiancé. Why? To tell him that she is in the CIA. He didn’t react too well.

Flash forward, I think, to a chubby Asian man sticking Syd with a needle full of colorful stuff. That must be the worst Asian buffet in the world!

Syd totally isn’t going to marry the guy who proposed to her. Unless she does and he blows up or something. I’ve only seen the beginning and end of this series. There are years of gaps in between. I guess things could happen in that gap.

Syd’s fiancé is drunk dialing her machine while she is out doing super spy work. Someone in monitoring the call, of course. Syd wasn’t supposed to tell anyone that she was a super spy for the CIA. Now her boss will be upset.

With photographic proof in hand, Syd made it out just in time. She had to make up some Tennessee Williams brand acting to fool some people, but it worked out alright.

Oh, and her fiancé is dead. She shouldn’t have told him. This isn’t like Fight Club were you can sort of tell about Fight Club. The CIA killed him, to keep their secrecy. That is pretty hard core. Yuck, let me think of a better phrase than that. That is pretty…far out? No, that’s worse. Forget it.

Back to the future, where the slightly plump Asian fellow is threatening to yank out red haired Syd’s teeth. I bet the CIA has a good dental plan. They can do wonderful things with dental reconstruction these days. Just make sure they don’t fill all of your teeth with cyanide. Then you could never eat Grape Nuts again.

Now Syd is being chased. It turns out she doesn’t work for the CIA at all. She has been lied to. She works for an enemy of the US. Also, her dad, he doesn’t not work for the not CIA too. That won’t make any sense. Anyway, he came to her rescue from the good men that are actually bad men.

It looks like Syd has set out on her own to steal the thing she photographed on the previous mission. Can you imagine what it would be like if Ansel Adams stole the things he took pictures off? He would be the greatest spy in history! Except, he wouldn’t be in history, if he were a great spy. They stay hidden, like ninjas with toys.

So Syd is stealing this thinger that looks like the Sigur Rós symbol to piss off her former employers. Not that they weren’t already pissed off. I mean, they did try to kill her.

Look at that, a ton of action! J.J. Abrams brings movie action to television.

Wait, Syd just gave the thing she stole to the good guys that are the bad guys. Why would she do such a thing? Oh, I think I see. She is going to the CIA. Probably to try and infiltrate the bad guys. Spies will always try to outspy other spies. Spies like us.

Syd’s father is a double agent for the CIA too. That turned out nice and rosy.

Not a bad beginning, overall. I might have my wife interested in the show too. Don’t get me wrong, Alias fans. I’m not converted yet. You hold on.


Everwood fans enter like a ton of bricks

Everwood fans came out of the woodwork this week, showing their support en mass for their favorite show. Not only did they amass a significant amount votes for their favorite show this week, but they also quickly stepped up to throw their hat into the TV DVD weekends here at Make Me Watch TV.

That’s right, Everwood – The Complete First Season was purchased after one very generous donation to the fund. The DVD should be coming at the end of next week, so it will be ready to do battle directly with Veronica Mars and Alias very soon.

And on that note, TV DVD voting is open for this weekend. Last week was a very tight battle fought between Alias and Veronica Mars. Who will come out on top this weekend? Vote now and check back Sunday for the results!

Battlestar Galactica – Season One (2004) – Donated: $10.00
Everwood – The Complete First Season – Donated: Paid In Full!!!
Alias – The Complete First Season – Donated: Paid In Full!!!
Veronica Mars – The Complete First Season – Donated: Paid In Full!!!

Fill up my weekends, everybody! Make Me Watch TV DVDs!


Alias: Reprisal/All the Time in the World

AliasIt’s the very last episode of Alias ever! Get out your tissues. You don’t want to mess up your mascara from all of that crying.

Team Alias, or the CIA (whatever you want to call them), is getting visual confirmation of Prophet 5 members from around the world. Er…bad guy members. Why? Dunno. Maybe they’ll explain it next episode. Just kidding, there is no next episode.

Now Team Alias has a face for each of the head members of Prophet 5. Things can’t not go down this episode! There is going to be so much action!

Don’t get too confused now. Prophet 5 is headed up by 12 people. All of these big numbers give me trouble. Anywho, the A-Team needs to apprehend everyone at the same time, so they don’t tip off the others about what is going on. I bet they’re going to synchronize their watches and stuff!

Mac Tonight is married? Huh, that kind of surprises me. Hey, all of you who aren’t married? You need to get a spouse. They will surprise you by buying Drumstick brand ice cream treats! They are delicious!

Oh no, moon head got captured! So did some blonde girl who I don’t know who she is. Aww nuts, now they are torturing him. I can’t make fun of his head size any more. He’s being too good to make fun of. Also, his wife didn’t know he worked for the CIA. That’s a tough secret to keep.

Sloane’s daughter ghost vision is back. She had better not be the undoing of Prophet 5. That would make me angry. Like if a puppy killed Hitler. That isn’t a fitting end for a horrible person.

Now Sloane stopped by to see Syd in a parking lot, but just to get her to tell Marshall to do his bidding. Then he was off like a prom dress.

Marshall and blonde girl pinpointed some location for Sloane in central Italy. It’s probably the location of a really good Italian restaurant. Just tell them Big Head sent you. They’ll understand.

Marshall is very short too! Maybe that is why he is always sitting down. I like Marshall. He’s goofy.

I could stop watching Alias after the first hour, but I don’t want to. I told my wife that I wanted to watch the full two hours. She says she will hold that against me. Thanks, Alias fans. You made me a bigger geek than I already was.

Now we have fallen into a movie about mountain climbing. Mountain climbing and long non-passionate kisses. Also there is some spelunking. After all of that excitement and sarcasm, Syd found Sloane in a ice cave. Sloane was glad that Syd had come. Seems like he has been expecting her. That can’t be good.

There is a bomb in the New York subways system, designed to blow up the CIA headquarters. That one girl, you know, from Prophet 5, just killed the 12 heads of Prophet 5. Syd just got trapped in a cave in. Hooray for action!

Wait, what now? Sloane is trading the secrets to whatever it is to blow things up with missiles and cause global genocide? I’m in over my head here. I have nothing in my own personal arsenal to solve the plot at this point.

Does this KFC tub of mashed potatoes, corn, chicken, gravy, and cheese sound terrible to anybody else?

Ahhh, I knew if I waited, things would piece themselves together. Sloane plans to target to large cities and then prophet off of their reconstruction. He is also in Mongolia. I hope he isn’t trying to get to China. They have a wall. They also have SARs. Or had SARs.
They have been having Syd flashbacks this episode. Soul Asylum’s Runaway Train instantly dates anything if it playing in the background.

Question: What do you get when you take a magic spinning sphere filled with blood out of the its socket while a bigger globe of blood is floating above it?
Answer: A mess.

You know what pisses Syd off? Shooting her father. A word to the wise, you probably don’t want to do that. She will shoot you in the forehead.

Sloane had a partner though! Oh yeah, Sloane was the one who shot Syd’s father. That aside, his partner is Syd’s mom. I think. I only saw her once, and when I saw her she was playing midwife.

Snot is the new tear.

Syd’s mom is going to blow up Washington and London. Probably Washington, D.C. There is nothing in Washington state to blow up, except trees.

Huh. Sloane just sat up sans bullet wounds. It looks like some editor just messed up! He can’t possibly be alive again due to magic blood balls.

Syd and mommy are coming to blows on a rooftop. They just jumped through a window. That’s sort of like wrestling in Jell-O. Glass and Jell-O are pretty similar, right? Shiny.

So Sloane is immortal now, but Syd’s dad got back down to him in the cavern. He blew himself up, so Sloane would be trapped for eternity buried underground. That is awesome! A fate much worse than death.

Syd’s alive, mommy’s dead, Syd’s boyfriend is alive, big head is alive, lots of people are alive. Looks like a happy ending to me. We have flashed forward to the future where Syd and husband have another kid named after her dad.

Sark is still out there, terror continues, the game goes on. But the series is over. If only it ended on Sloane’s desperate cries. You can’t have everything though.




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