7th Heaven is stupid. Yes, I am bias against 7th Heaven. And that is why I will eat ribs while watching it. Because there is nothing grosser than watching someone eat ribs. Yeah, take that, voters!
The show starts off with some girl betting visited by her dead grandmother who tells here she will have many children. What is her name? I don’t know.
I just came up with a brilliant idea! Like subtitles, you should be able to turn on little floating name tags for characters. Then anyone who is unfamiliar with the show can easily jump into the episode. A popup family tree would be nice too.
One CW commercial.
Talky dad and whiney blonde son are jabbering on the phone. Something about lies and weddings and more. All I heard was, “whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!” That is the sound of a small child crying. Crying for his bottle. His bottle being…what, exactly? I didn’t think of a good example. I wish I were from the South.
There are too many characters in this show. Even if I could care about one of them, they don’t give me the time to. I will concentrate on the pregnant girl who doesn’t think she is pregnant and sees her dead grandmother. I will call her Samanthabeth. There is a chance her real name might be in there somewhere. You might need to scramble the letters around a little bit.
Two CW commercials.
I don’t want to concentrate on Samanthabeth. I don’t want to concentrate on anybody. Especially mothers and daughters “hanging” in the laundry room drinking root beer floats.
People are looking for Samanthabeth because some crazy rich woman wants to give money to unwed mothers only if Samanthabeth heads up the institution. Samanthabeth is off to the doctor to get a pregnancy test. Or a strep test. I don’t know the difference. The doctor may have been giving me pregnancy tests every time I had a sore throat. What were all of those hormone treatments for?
Whiney boy and annoying girl sure are having an annoyingly whiney conversation about their past sexual partners. Nothing makes sex less sexy than saying “sexual partner.”
Three CW commercials.
I don’t know how much more mother/daughter bonding I can take. I wish I had more than two wrists.
Samanthabeth is seeing her dead grandmother in the waiting room of the doctor’s office. You think dead people would have more interesting things to talk about than knitting.
One episode of 7th Heaven feels like a mini-series. If you don’t know what that feels like, it is equivalent to 10 years in federal prison. I know you understand what that is like.
Four CW commercials.
Samanthabeth is pregnant. The end. Come one, the end already! Show me the credits! Roll them! The end! Get to the end! End it! End this show! End already! Please end! Quit talking and end! Fade to black. Stop! Just stop! Stop now!
There was one episode of 7th Heaven left, and then I was in the clear! No new episodes make it a lot easier to avoid the TV watching vote. Alas, it turns out you people really hate me. So, together, we watch the last episode of 7th Heaven.
So the wedding is still on. What wedding? I don’t remember. I have only seen the show once before, and was confused out of my mind. I will string a theory together to wrap this show up and leave you with closure. Right now, my theory is that the entire series took place in the single tear of a drowning fox. That’s right, I called it. You heard it here first.
This episode is only an hour long. I thought it was standard that sitcoms got one hour series finales and dramas got two hour finales. Maybe it is different if one hour seems like two hours.
Hooray, there are a bunch of characters coming in for the wedding! You’re stupid if you think I am going to remember any of them. Damn, Simon. There is a character named Simon. I only remember that because someone said “Simon says.” Tee hee.
Twins! I hate those twins! Maybe I just hate twins in general. There must be some sort of twin-hating test. I do like DoubleMint gum, so that is no answer.
The bride just kissed her ex-boyfriend. I do remember that from last episode. Will she and Simon get married? What does it matter? You see, this show happens in the universe opposite of us. That will be the big reveal at the end! I call it!
Simon is trying to talk himself into this marriage thing. Psyching himself up, like a football player or a drug dealer. I bet drug dealers are really nervous, and must psych themselves up on a regular basis. “Okay, okay, I’ll walk by this guy and give a knowing nod. No, I can’t. I can’t do it. Yes you can man, just get out there and nod at someone. They’ll know what it means. But what if I look stupid?” Poor drug dealers.
Simon has big eyebrows. Not that I am saying guys should wax their eyebrows. Maybe it makes it easier to furrow his brow. That extra eyebrow weight can make him look worried on a constant basis.
We dealt with Simon’s insecurities, so now we are on to Rose. Damn, I learned another name. Rose is nervous about getting married. Hence the kiss with her ex-boyfriend. Simon is the nicest man she ever met, you see? Tip to the guys at the bars. If a girl says you are nice, you probably will not get any action. Unless your idea of “action” is consoling her when she breaks up with her boyfriends that are not you.
Now priest papa Camden is talking to ex-boyfriend of Rose, who is admitting that he wants to marry Rose. Apparently all the Camden men have a wedding band inscribed with “you bring out the best in me.” That is the cheesiest thing I have ever heard.
It has been raining and hailing here for the last half hour. I think God is upset that 7th Heaven is ending.
Simon looks just like I thought he would on his wedding day! Wait, what am I saying?
We are going through what-if circumstances now. What if Simon got cold feet? What if Rose got cold feet? They just wasted 10 minutes imagining what might happen. I think Simon is actually a sleeper spy who was planted in his mother’s womb to kill his father. I called it first!
Whoops, we werenâ€™t done wasting time with imagining things yet. My bad. There go another few minutes of the final episode.
What the, now the wedding is over and they are at the reception. We are to guess what happened? Is that the deal? Did they get married? Didn’t they get married?
Oh no! Some more people on the show are having twins! Don’t bring more twins into the world! Stop this now! Wait, what? Another set of twins too? Wait, three sets of twins? I hate this show so damn much. If this show were a person, I would murder them right now. If I didn’t have a knife, I would just dig in with my finger nails until their heart stopped.
P.S. They didn’t get married. They didn’t get married, and they are creating an unstoppable twin army. Actually, that is a spin-off I would watch. From the creators of 7th Heaven, The Army of Twins. Or Codename: TAT.
Stay tuned for Codename: TAT coming to The CW.
Before you start in on me, I understand that your average viewer of 7th Heaven will know who all the characters on the show are. That would certainly make last night’s episode a little more coherent.
Do you want to know a secret? I am not an average viewer of 7th Heaven. As it were, I was more confused than a fly in a hall of mirrors. Because flies have all of those eyes. All of those eyes plus all of those mirrors, you know. It would get confusing.
7th Heaven made me want to give up, cry, and drink until my retinas detached. It would take a lot of drinking to do that, so you can certainly appreciate the mood I was in. This episode, with it’s 400 plus character talking on cell phones (maybe it was more like 12), showed me what it would be like to have multiple personalities. It sucks. You do not want multiple personalities. If someone asks you if you would like a few extra personalities, for a rainy day perhaps, you run away as fast as your one personality legs can take you.
Supernanny, on the other hand, was full of chaos and yelling. It was much easier to follow than 7th Heaven. Children were roaring like dinosaurs, parents were incompetent, and Supernanny saved the day.
I giggled like a ticklish cop in a feather factory when the children screamed in dinosaur voices. These terrible children need their own talk show. Teenagers taking drugs should at least go to boot camp run by these dinosaur children. They would certainly be scared straight.
As the WB assault continues, tonight brings us to 7th Heaven. I have seen this show before, but I do not remember anything about it. Wait! I think the father is a minister. Or was. Or maybe I am thinking of Signs.
Plot so far, Boy X is going to dinner with Girl X and her ex-boyfriend. So Boy Y will be boy-ex. Get confused and then get unconfused. We are pushing forward. The Xs are trying to make the Y jealous, because Y would not marry X. The girl X, not the guy X. The X that is actually an ex.
Dad X, only dad actually, is arguing with Girl Y about cell phones. Not using cell phones. Not using them enough.
Hold up, we are on another subplot with some other characters. Maybe I should start assigning people numbers.
Drop me on my head and call me Phyllis! Another character! Stop now, you jerks! And another character! Shut the hell up. Everyone just sit still. I need to count heads, okay?
Screw you, 7th Heaven. I will only concentrate on one plot. The first plot. With my smart wordplay about exs. How could this have gotten so out of control in just 15 minutes?
Oh good, now there are twins with dad and Girl Y. I did not bother to mention the mother. If she does something important, I will let you know. Now all the characters are talking to other characters on cell phones at the same time. There is an aneurysm coming on, I can feel it.
Get the hell off of the phone, young twin boys! You should also not talk at the same time like that. Anyone who saw The Shining will instantly try to kill you.
Back to the “main plot,” Boy X is trying to get someone on the phone to Google Boy Y. He does not trust him. I do not trust anybody. This show is making me really angry.
There was just a big TV G in the corner. Really? I could not tell.
I GET IT! I GET THE SOCIAL COMMENTARY ABOUT CELL PHONES! STOP IT NOW!
Boy X is named Simon. He seems confused about marrying Girl X. I stopped caring about anybody a long time ago. I will now start making fun of people’s physical characteristics.
Boy Y looks like a chipmunk and Girl X has no cheek bones. Take that!
There is another couple with a baby. They both have cleft chins. I wonder if they can join their chins together to become one giant person!
Oh my goodness, there are still 15 minutes left! How much more confusion can I take? Yes yes, cell phones are evil. We get it! This is worse than the Gilmore Girls. The WB just keeps spiraling down a terrible slide with pieces of glass with nails through them.
I am done with this show. It is now behind me.
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