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24: Day 6: 1:00 PM-2:00 PM/Day 6: 2:00 PM-3:00 PM

24Two hours of 24 might be the best possible way to start off a week. Goodbye Blue Monday!

I disagree that two hours of a one hour program qualifies as an “event.” But according to Merriam-Webster, an “event” is “something that happens.” Fine. It’s an event. Happy?

To catch you up on last episode, Papa Bauer is evil. Morris has been captured to make triggers for nukes. Got it? Let’s move forward, soldier.

Whoops. Jack’s evil brother is dead too. He and Hitler are having a big party right now. Streamers and candy. Poison streamers and candy. Regular candy.

And now, advice from Jack Bauer. “Hey kids, don’t have a landing pad for your helicopter? Why not use the top of two semi-truck trailers?” Thanks, Uncle Jack! He’ll be back later with some more great advice.

Evil Tom, the evil adviser to the terrible president, has an even more evil adviser to him. It’s like a giant Russian nesting doll of evil.

Milo is being beat up for his beliefs. His beliefs that he doesn’t want to make triggers for nuclear bombs. Those beliefs will change, in time. Until then, it’s lead pipes for Morris’ back!

Fayed just drilled in to Morris’ shoulder with a drill. That’s the breaking point. Another breaking point? Tortilla chips with no salsa. Who eats tortilla chips plain?

A fire alarm? That was your plan to smoke the terrorists out of an apartment building? Jack, I’m surprised. Maybe you need some sleep.

Morris is okay. Except he armed a nuclear bomb. So not only is he not okay, everyone is not okay. But Jack Bauer is there to disarm the bomb very carefully. But everyone is very disappointed in Milo. But when can you expect from someone named Morris? It’s almost as stupid as Milo.

I am terrible at math. I thought Fayed had two nukes left. He has three. D’oh.

Dammit, I just learned how to spell Fayed. Now I need to spell the name of his boss. Gredanco. Gridancko. Dang, it is Gridenko. So close!

Jack is sad because he thinks he killed his evil brother. It’s like pushing a witch into an oven, Jack. Let it roll off your back.

Milo is getting sent on a mission with Jack and evil brother’s wife. I see a 100% chance of Milo dying.

Also evil dad is taking not evil nephew to evil home of evil dad. Just keeping you briefed on who and what is evil. By the way, all houses are evil. Do you live in a house? Be careful.

See, everyone up in arms about Muslims being portrayed as terrorists? It’s the Russians using them. So they’re more evil. Does that make you happy?

I’m tired of explaining things. Let’s hear from Jack again. “Hey kids, Jack Bauer here. Remember to get your prostate checked yearly.”

Milo is following Jack into the ally behind a fake safe house. Milo is so going down.

Milo is actually doing some slick driving in what looks to be a converted UPS truck.

House exploded. Truck exploded. Things always explode. The end.


24: Day 6: 11:00 AM-12:00 Noon

Last week, Two and a Half Men beat Heroes in Nielsen ratings. Heroes beat 24 in the ratings. How can this possible be?

When last we saw Jack, he was suffocating his evil brother with a plastic bag to get information. Just another Thanksgiving for the Bauers.

There is a lot of talk about civil liberties this season. Civil liberties are a good thing. You should get yourself some.

Bauer’s brother is talking now. But can we believe anything he says? He did want to start a war last season. Right? Wasn’t that his deal? We all have those ideas, but we never act on them. Buy steel at a low price. Start a war. Profit like a those cartoon cats wearing suits and top hats.

Poor creepy looking Milo. He meets with nothing but attitude from his underlings. Maybe if he wasn’t so creepy. Or tall. Or maybe if he just shaved that dirt off his face.

Karen Hayes is being blackmailed by evil Tom “I Hate Civil Liberties” Something. Something isn’t really his last name. I mean, it is something, but it isn’t Something.

Karen just quit. She is giving the President a speech about the magic being in him all along.

President Palmer’s sister’s boyfriend was just beat up something fierce. He shouldn’t be stealing cell phones from people in volatile situations. I mean, it wasn’t even a RAZR.

Jack’s dad’s thugs just dropped Jack. There is a lot of third party action going on here. Then evil brother took Jack and Papa Jack hostage. And Jack’s van full of backup has been shot. Looks like this is the end, boys and girls. The end of 24.


Afterthoughts for Prison Break and 24

Last night I was forced to watch FOX’s Super Action Drama Thriller Monday, or whatever they call it. Every night with a theme needs a name. It might all go back to ABC’s crapfest that was TGIF. “These shows are all terrible! We should put them on Fridays when kids can stay up late and parents can get drunk,” said the ABC executives in a very important meeting.

Thriller Monday on FOX was exactly half bad. I sat down for two hours to watch Prison Break and 24 back to back. As right as it seems to pair these shows together, they are total opposites.

Prison Break depends greatly on drawing out the limited time that they have. In other words, it is so very slow. The pace is close to unbearable. The show takes a long time to do anything, with very little urgency, and in hushed tones.

Literally hushed tones. There must be a voice coach on this show, and he only says two things. “Can you say that quieter and with less feeling,” and “Can you lower your voice an octave or two?” Would it kill anyone to say something in a normal tone of voice? Is talking quietly and low a prison rule that I do not know about? Clue me in here.

In stark contrast, 24 gets things done. It also includes both yelling and whispering! Here are a few action packed examples from the show.

Jack Bauer is interrogating someone. Jack Bauer punches a good guy and gets tazered. Jack Bauer punches another good guy. Jack Bauer threatens a detainee. Jack Bauer saves someone from torture. Jack Bauer is in a helicopter. Jack Bauer repels from a helicopter. Jack Bauer shoots a bunch of guys. Jack Bauer causes a natural gas distribution center to explode. Jack Bauer runs back towards the explosions to beat up a terrorist.

That is just one character’s storyline! There are a ton of other characters on the show who have things going on as well.

I am sure all of these 24 revelations are old news to almost everyone but me. I have never watched it because I wanted to start at the very beginning with Season 1. Everyone already knows how great the show is. You are all reading this thinking “Duh, idiot. We already got together and decided that this show was awesome.”

Apologies all around for being so behind the times. Hopefully my simple observations from a new viewers perspective have helped you see a few things clearly in the show you love.

As for Prison Break, it can eat a pound of glass and laxatives for all I care. It is tired and predictable with nothing to spur on the drama aside from musical cues.

Thanks for voting for these shows. I am really happy to have watched 24 and pleased to confirm that Prison Break sucks.

Make sure to keep voting. Seriously. Gilmore Girls is winning for tonight. You people are evil bastards! Thanks!


24

24Tonight I watch 24 for the first time. Season 5, show 15 is the right time to start watching a TV show that depends heavily on plot and order, right?

There is a recap at the beginning to let me know what has happened so far this season. Car chases. Talking. Terrorists. Some guns.

Hey, that is Leland from Twin Peaks! I know that actor. I hope he has not already died in a previous episode.

There. I am caught up with everything that has gone on in 24.

I know the main character’s name before the show started. It is Jack Bauer! Score one for me! I do not have to nickname him. I will have to make one up. Let me think on that for a little bit.

There is yelling and whispering in this show. It is already better than Prison Break, which contains only whispering.

The terrorists just beat up some police men so they could steal their car and get weapons of mass destruction to their target location. It seemed like an afterthought to their whole plan. They had better show a few more smarts than that if they are going to mess with Jack Bauer. I assume.

They are keeping someone very important for interrogation, who we are supposed to care about. She is the daughter of something something and is also something something. I am trying to take in a lot of information at once. Do not judge me!

Edgar died in the attack! I think I could have cared for Edgar, whoever he was. Instead, I will only hear tales of him through the memories of others. I miss you, Edgar.

She is the daughter of the Secretary of Defence, you know, the person everyone is surprised they are interrogating? Oh, and it looks like she was romantically connected to Jack Bauer in some way. She slept with a traitor after she thought Jack was dead. Not that she knew he was a traitor. Or did she? Jack will find out.

Some mean lady looks like she wants to torture the daughter of the Secretary of Defense. I say torture her. It will probably be good for her, I assume. Everyone could use a little torture. The daughter lady is named Audrey. Like the plant from Little Show of Horrors. That is how I will remember her. Unless she dies from torture.

Oooo, Jack just got tazered and handcuffed. That probably will not help our national security.

The main bad guys have accents. That makes them easy to identify. The moles, not so much.

The terrorists have just taken over a power plant or water plant or something. There is a little whiney guy who they have at gunpoint that is doing everything they ask. He is going to get the whole of Los Angeles killed. He should take a bullet in the head for the greater good. Maybe he knows that Jack Bauer is on the case. No, how could your average blue collar worker know that. Unless it is a conspiracy!

There is some guy lost in the woods after he crashed in a car. I do not know what that is about. I will guess he was going camping.

Man, Jack Bauer likes to punch a lot of good guys.

Oh, the nerve gas and the terrorists are in a natural gas distribution center. Everyone uses natural gas.

There is torture happening! Or was happening. Jack stopped it. He likes punching but he does not like torture.

Maybe he just does not punch people he wants to kiss. Like Audrey. It seems like a waste of time to kiss when there are terrorists about. He can kiss when there is not poison that is going to kill everyone.

Now the campers are shooting at each other. I do not think it is paintball. Those are real bullets that hurt people.

Jack Bauer is in a helicopter headed toward the poison gas plant. The regular gas place, but with poison added. Soon, I imagine, he will repel down from the helicopter for more punches. But bad guy punches.

There we are, I was right about the repelling. And punches? We will see.

Oh, well. He shot some people. Shooting is like a different form of punching.

The poison is being released! The only way to stop the poisons is to explode that natural gas and burn up the poison. That means explosion!

Jack ran back towards the explosions to catch the terrorist! Fantastic!

Wow! Going in knowing nothing about any of the characters, plot, dynamics, or anything, I was able to catch up and get involved very easily. This is a great show! I hope I get forced to watch it again next week!

And Jack Bauer’s nickname? Bullet Punch Guy. Sorry, I did not have much time to think. I was too busy watching a amazing TV show!




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