Heroes: Nothing to Hide

Heroes is good, but is often just OK. I hope things are better than just OK today.

This show subtitles the names of the main characters when the come on screen at the start of each episode. The cheerleader’s name is Claire. Look at how helpful that was of them!

Niki’s ex stuck his hand through her chest and stopped her heart. Or something. Then he took their son. To be fair, Niki tried to frame him for robbery. And she’s still alive.

Matt. Matt is the name of the cop that can read minds. He has used his powers to save a girl and to save his marriage. Now he just need to save the cheerleader.

Isaac, the future painter, packed up his stuff and left. His stuff being his paintings and his heroin. He has a lust for life. I feel like taking a cruise or gaining financial freedom.

Nathan is a congressman or something that can fly. A bear, maybe. No, he isn’t a Hiro bear. But he can fly. And we just found out that his wife is in a wheelchair. Just like Professor X!

Kyle, Claire’s brother, found and watched the tape of her doing things that would normally kill a person. Superheroes need secret identities. I guess a cheerleader already wears a uniform. Unless they are three wine coolers into their senior prom night. Zing!

Hiro just saved Niki’s ex while he saved someone from a car fire. Their is a lot of saving in this show. Rightfully so. Explosions frozen in time are nifty.

Matt and his not pretty boss got a giant dose of radiation from a room that burnt up or blew up or something. When that giger counter starts to tick, you don’t go to see if it gets louder. You get out of there and wait for people in neat suits to come.

The little kid of Niki and her ex? He can fix phones by touching them. Maybe other things. I like to think it is just phones. Very specific powers would amuse me greatly.

Just an okay episode. Characters didn’t develop much, except for a few more people with super powers.

Battlestar Galactica: Torn Part 1

Battlestar Galactica still has me confused, as I am not sure who is a human and who is a Cylon. I could easily put an end to my confusion by looking online, but that is hardly what this website is about.

Oh bullocks, another two part episode. I will leave this evening quite unsatisfied.

“Cylon psychology is based on projection.” If that means they plan ahead, then they are my sworn enemies! I bet they make lists of things they need to during the weekend too!

The dirty greasy human who has been consorting with Cylons is weighing the pros and cons of giving up the location of Earth. Pros, he lives. Cons, everyone dies. Using Cylon psychology, I say the cons are pretty heavy. But as long as they are planned out, then it is okay.

A lady named Starbuck had a little space fender bender. Phhht, women drives. Did you know that women can even vote in next week’s elections? I know!

Ahhhh, the Cylons took human form. I wish they hadn’t decided to do that. It makes it so much harder for me. Everything is about me, after all.

Starbuck and a pirate are sharing war stories. They are stirring up trouble in the break room with the people who were safe and sound on the battlestar as they were trapped in the Cylon prison camps. If you have one eye, you have a right to be grumpy.

Some weird stuff happened. The human who likes Cylons killed a dying Cylon who hated humans.

Starbuck just got kicked off the ship. She also gave herself a Bob. The haircut that is all the rage in our own time and universe. Our friend Saul is giving himself a Bob too. Wait, he has no hair. He had better think of something else to do, like drink himself to death.

Doctor Who: The Age of Steel

When we last left Doctor Who, the Doctor and his companions were surrounded by the brains of homeless men in the bodies of Cybermen. They were screaming something about deletion. Each enemy has to have a catch phrase, after all. Exterminate or deletion, choose your poison.

The wheelchair scientist activated all of the ear pods in alternate reality London. This is the first step to becoming a Cybermen. The second step is a bit more difficult, as it involves brain extraction. The ancient Egyptians attempted this with dire consequences.

The Cybermen seem to waste a lot of energy by walking. Every step is an attempt to break through the Earth’s outer crust. They also march rather slowly. They have the same pitfalls as zombies. They walk slowly and crumple into a little ball if you destroy their brain.

I wish Micky had never met K-9. He would have one less thing to whine about that. “I’m a tin dog! I’m a tin dog!” Shut your yap. You’re seeing the universe.

The whole of London is being processed for upgrading. Rose and her alternate reality breathing daddy are walking through the front door, the Doctor and a gray haired lady are sneaking through some cooling tunnels, and Whiny along with his new pal spiky hair are on their way to blow up a floating dirigible.

Rose and her pop really pulled a boner. Their mother and wife, respectively, was already turned into a Cyberman. Er, Cyberperson.

The Cybermen, in another comparison to zombies, are people’s loved ones turned into unthinking and unfeeling beings.

The wheelchair man was killed by the Cybermen so they could upgrade him. Oddly enough, he is still sitting in a chair.

In the end, the Cybermen were destroyed by the destruction of their inhibitor chips. As the Doctor put it, he gave them back their souls, and the pain of being assimilated was too great. With their work being done, our heroes escaped while holding on to the ladder hanging down from a giant zeppelin. That is how every story climax should end.

Whiny has decided to stay behind, because his alternate reality counterpart died. And his gram, meaning grandmother to us Yanks, is alive in this place. This means we’ll never see Micky again. I could pretend to be sad, but I don’t feel like pretending.

Supernatural: No Exit

Supernatural

SupernaturalI think the CW finally figured out how to market Supernatural. The previews for this episode looked really scary. Well done, lads in the marketing department. Keep it up.

And black goo is dripping into a girl’s new apartment. Then she disappears. This happens to young blond women in this Philadelphia apartment complex about every decade. They conveniently keep that out of the lease. And the black stuff was ectoplasm. You need to be a really angry spirit to make that stuff.

To complicate matters, the flirty blond daughter of the Roadhouse owner has tagged along. The Roadhouse is where “hunters” go to take a load off.

Blondie and Dean found a little prize in the building’s vent. It was a clump of long blond hair. Oh, with a nice piece of scalp attached. What a treat! That is like when two M&Ms come stuck together.

Then another blond girl from the apartment got grabbed. By a scary hand. Through a grate. It is not a ninja turtle.

The creepy apartment building was built on a creepy lot that was used to hang people from the creepy prison next door. The spirit haunting this particular apartment complex? H. H. Holmes, one of America’s first serial killers. Interesting, no? Yes. Check this out:

H. H. Holmes managed to secure a Chicago pharmacy by defrauding and eventually murdering the pharmacist and his family, and built a block-long, three-story building on the lot across the street. Neighbors called this building “The Castle”. Holmes opened it as a hotel for the World’s Columbian Exposition in 1893, using the rest of the structure for shops he rented. The bottom floor of the Castle contained these shops (one a jeweler, for example), his personal office, and the upper floors a maze of over one hundred windowless rooms with doorways that would open to brick walls, stairways to nowhere, doors that could only be opened from the outside, and a host of other maze-like constructions. Over a period of three years, Holmes selected female victims from among his employees, lovers, or hotel’s guests, and tortured them in soundproof and escapeproof chambers fitted with gas lines that permitted Holmes to asphyxiate the women at any time.

Holmes grabbed Jo, the blond lassie, while she was crawling around in the walls looking for the other missing women. As tempting it may be and as lonely as you may be, fellas, don’t crawl around in the walls to find women. It will only end badly.

A few blond girls, including Jo, are trapped in the basement. Well, not the basement. There is no basement. Holmes had to settle for the old abandoned sewer chambers below. If I had a nickel for every time I had to settle for an old abandoned sewer chamber, I’d be rich.

Eeee! We just got to see HH’s creepy teeth and grisly mustache. Then he was stabbed by a pure iron knife. Good to know. There are so many good tips in this show!

Then the fellas and Jo trapped H. H. forever within a ring of rock salt. But that isn’t good enough. Sam and Dean combine together to form cement pouring Sean! Able to encase age old mass murderers in a single pour!

It turns out dead pop pop John Winchester got Jo’s father killed on a hunt. And there is your little bit of continuing plot for the episode.

Overall, possible the best episode of Supernatural that I have seen. If you are not watching this show, you are missing out.

Heroes: Better Halves

Heroes

HeroesHeroes left us off with a murdering ex in Niki’s house. I should specify ex-husband. Not ex-butcher, or ex-baker, or ex-candlestick maker.

Peter and Hiro has a nice little chat about saving the cheerleader. All the while, the cheerleader takes cupcakes out of the oven with no oven mitts. Heck, I’d do that if I could heal myself. You could also use Arrested Development‘s Cornballer without fear.

Niki didn’t tell the cops who came to her door that her murderous ex was inside. Or bank robbing ex. I’m not sure exactly what he did or tried to do.

Beating up Hiro and his porno pal wasn’t enough for the cheated cowboys. They are back for more. More beating ups. Or maybe they really do just want to talk. Should they talk about the weather?

Hiro and friend hid in a bathroom while someone came in and caused a ruckus in their farce of a poker game. The angry cowboy became less angry when Hiro worked his magic for him. He became less happy when he was killed.

Niki and her ex are going to talk to a horse, from what I can gather. The ex says he was framed. By the people who did the framing are dead. The people that got killed while Hiro was in the bathroom. Niki must have killed them.

The poor actress who hung out with the Indian fellow is actually working for the cheerleader’s evil father. Those were a lot of dots that needed connecting.

Niki and Niki are finally sitting down and talking. Is split personality disorder really a super power? Anywho, it was Niki that framed her ex and stole the 2 million dollars.

Niki’s ex can put himself through stuff! And hands into hearts, like Neo in the Matrix. Man, that was a terrible moment in movie history.

Battlestar Galactica: Collaborators

Battlestar Galactica

Battlestar GalacticaSo far I have seen two full episode of Battlestar Galactica. So forgive me if I’m not quite interested in the many different characters yet. It doesn’t help they the cylons look just like humans. They could use some giant bumps on their head.

The humans just escaped from cylon control last episode. I think. That is what my limited intelligence has told me. One of these humans is being tried as a traitor. He is executed for treason. Oooo, I hope they shoot him out an airlock! Hooray! My hopes were answered. I should make a birthday hope. They seem to come true more often than wishes.

Back with the cylons, the greasy and shallow faced one wakes up naked in a pulsating room. At least he has his own giant menacing robot to watch after him. Or murder him. Robots can go either way.

Saul is the grumpy man with one eye. I would be grumpy if I had one eye. He should try eating spinach. They might give me an overinflated sense of power and self worth. He better watch out for Eugene the Jeep, a yellow, vaguely dog-like animal from Africa with magical powers.

The humans are dealing out justice for war crimes among their own ranks. It is a good thing those airlocks clean themselves.

This episode is mainly about judging who has betrayed the humans to the cylons. You are going to get any sympathy from Saul. He poisoned his wife for being a traitor. How will he feel about someone he doesn’t shag? Hah, I used the word “shag.” I am so dumb.

There isn’t any justice like prairie justice. Space justice is pretty close though.

While this episode was very plot, character, and emotion heavy, it felt better than the first episode I watched. I am becoming a little more comfortable with this universe. I would like to start watching for the first episode of the new series. The quality looks to be there, both in the writing and the atmosphere.

Doctor Who: Rise of the Cybermen

Doctor Who

Doctor WhoDoctor Who has become one of my favorite shows, and it is all because of you! Is that a new shirt? You’re looking sharp!

Skin of metal, brain of a man. A fellow in a wheelchair has made a “cyberman” whose very existence is in conflict with the Geneva Convention. Wheelchair man doesn’t care, and he orders the cyberman to murder his tattletale assistant. Cybermen don’t ask questions. Yet.

Meanwhile, with the Doctor, that Tardis dies due to the time vortex disappearing. I blame David Copperfield. There are in London, but it isn’t the other David Copperfield‘s fault. This alternate version of London has tons of leadless zeppelins overhead.

Rose’s dad is still alive in this backwards London. He is a very successful advertisement. Er, advertising executive. Politician? Regardless, this means there is an alternate reality Rose too. Rose is a dog. Is that alternate enough for you?

Wheelchair man in the floating balloons can download information from minds of London’s citizens. That is what you get when you have metal antennas in your ears. What would be worth downloading from my mind? The trick is to be forgetful, so you are useless. Then the world is yours.

Men in nice white suits are stealing homeless men. Oh, this is happening in the show too.

Meanwhile, the Doctor blew 10 years of his life into a little recharging device for the Tardis. Don’t worry, he has a lot of time left in him. He is a Time Lord after all. The could teach CEOs something about time management. And smiling.

The Prime Minister and Rose’s alt daddy just got on the wheelchair man’s blimp. And those antennas in the heads of the good citizens? Bluetooth. They download weather, news, jokes, and everything right into their heads. Aside from downloading your thoughts, that sounds pretty nice.

The homeless men are getting upgrades! It is charity, really. Or evil. Evil charity. The homeless men are now cybermen! Do cybermen dream of electronic soup?

Mickey has a subplot that I am uninterested in. I don’t fancy Micky too much. He is whiny. Rose is whiny sometimes, but at least she is having fun.

Now the cybermen are going to ruin a perfectly lovely 40th birthday party. The Doctor, while not unphased, has seen them before. Cybermen, not birthdays. Probably birthdays too. But after thousands of them, you probably stop caring. Birthdays, not cybermen.

The goal of the cybermen is to upgrade everyone to cybermen. And women. I haven’t seen any cyberboobies though. Maybe it is just men.

Oh no! The hour is almost over and the Doctor is surrendering to an army of cybermen! Delete, delete, delete, delete, to be continued. Curses!

Supernatural: Simon Said

Supernatural

SupernaturalSupernatural brings the real horror to the Halloween season. No Great Pumpkin bull here.

An older and portly doctor got a phone call. Suddenly, he buys a gun and shoots the gun store owner. Then he does himself in. Sean saw this in one of his crazy visions. It hasn’t happened yet, but it could.

Ben Edlund, creator of The Tick, wrote this episode. He wrote the Jaynestown episode of Firefly too. So if my calculations are correct, Ben Edlund rocks!

After a quick trip to the Roadhouse and a spin of REO Speedwagon on the jukebox, Sean is on the road again with a lead.

When Sean has visions, they are of people who have been touched by the demon, like himself. This demon gives these fellas power, like the ability to make friends and influence people. For example, this young mind controller got Sean to cheerfully give up his car. All the while, Sean followed the doctor and stopped his shooting spree. Instead, the doctor got hit by a bus.

The mind controlling kid the boys are after? He isn’t the one killing people with his mind. There is another mind out there that will cause a middle aged lady to douse herself with gasoline and calmly light herself with her car’s cigarette lighter. Whoever the murderer is, they hate their elders.

The lady who burnt was the mind controller’s mother. The doctor who died delivered him. You see, mind control was adopted. And he has a twin! An evil twin with mind control powers!

The evil twin, with no eye patch but with a goatee, was ready to kill the good twin’s girlfriend. Now it time for a twin battle! Oh, the good one shot the bad one in the back. That was simple.

That was an okay episode. I was hoping for more twin hijinks, even it they were only fraternal.

Heroes: Hiro’s

Heroes

HeroesHeroes finally won me over at the end of last week. Do you think they’ll screw their victory up this week? Look at me, always assuming the worst.

Hiro paused time and told one of the super brothers that he needs to save the cheerleader. Speaking of the cheerleader, she is alive after the car crash and so is the rapist. And the other brother who was captured by the evil guy? He flew away at super sonic speeds.

I sound like that jabbering fellow at the bus stop who tries to hand out pamphlets, but his hands are empty.

Peter is the brother that copies the powers of others. He doesn’t sap them. No, I don’t mean SAP them. I don’t speak Spanish. If Peter is near his flying brother, he can fly. If he is near the painter, he can paint the future. What if he is by multiple heroes at the same time? Does he become extra super powerful? That is my guess.

The mind reading cop, who was being tortured, woke up on his couch with no memory of the evil torture that is evil.

Hiro and his iPod porn loving friend got kicked out of Vegas for cheating. While Hiro is eating alone at a diner, the flying fellow lands in the parking lot. Hiro, having had a fight with his English speaking friend, will not be able to get his point across to flying fellow.

Guess who picked up English really well? It’s Hiro, who gets a ride from his new flying friend. Not on his back either, in a car. I wish Hiro had ridden on his back.

Nathan. Flying man’s name is Nathan. Nathan. I’ll write it one more time so I can remember it. Wait, what was it? Damn, I wasted too much time explaining my plan, I forgot his name. Just my luck.

Peter is piecing together Isaac’s paintings, unraveling the mystery that is the cheerleader. Too bad for him it involves wearing thick white contact lenses like Jordi Laforge.

Ahhhhh, Niki is the iPod stripper. Everything is coming together. Along with her murderous ex-husband sneaking in. My guess is to murder.

The episode wasn’t as good as the one last week. It didn’t loose me though.

Battlestar Galactica: Exodus

Battlestar Galactica

Battlestar GalacticaRolling Stone says Battlestar Galactica is still the best show on television. I didn’t see the big deal last week. Perhaps, once I have a space battle or two under my belt, I will agree. Space battles, for those of you who don’t know, are like regular battles. Like a paternity battle, for instance. But in space.

Someone is sad about their dad. I wish this show were called A Battlestar Name Galactica. It would be about a battlestar with the odds turned against it, but a can-do attitude. And it would sing.

Maybe this rum will help me enjoy this show. It will at least help me enjoy myself. What the hell is that??? Oh, it’s a button on my thing. What’s it called? Shirt. Crazy shirt buttons.

One eyed fellow’s wife who betrayed him slept with Cylons. What does that mean for you and me? Nothing. Get up tomorrow, make yourself some bacon and eggs. Read the Sunday paper, even if it is Saturday. Don’t forget the coffee! That’s a weekend morning for you, just like any other.

Ol’ Popeye killed his traitor wife with poison. Possibly poison coffee. Fellas, don’t drink that coffee! You’d never guess! There was a fish in the percolator!

Explosions! Now we’re talking. Talking about explosions that is.

Ah ha, this must be why everyone likes this show. Action action action! Awesome action at that. No wonder the first episode of this two parter left me bored. It was all setup that I didn’t care about.

The battlestars? They don’t mess around. They actually aren’t stars, but mechanical flying beats with no religion.

Did you know that you can hear only one thing is space? It’s true. That is bagpipe music. Funny how it can resonate off of nothing. That is proof of how evil bagpipes are.

I think a flying horse just exploded. You don’t see that every day. Unless you live in a dimension full of bombs and flying horses.

Not to state plot points in any definitive way, but it looks like the humans were rescued off of some planet by a starship called Galactica.

Doctor Who: The Girl in the Fireplace

Doctor Who

Doctor WhoAfter an odd and uncomfortable day off, we come back to Doctor Who. I may have been going through television withdrawal.

The episode starts off as all television episodes do, with a young lady yelling into a fire place. Then we are suddenly thrust 3000 years into the future. But what of the fireplace?

3000 years in the future the Doctor, Rose, and Mickey find a fireplace. On the other side is a young version of the lady from 18th century France. With a quick pull of a lever the Doctor is swept away to Paris in this young girl’s bedroom. What does he find? A hairy clock mime monster hiding under the little girl’s bed. It is a robot too. What do monsters have nightmares of? The Doctor. Well set up, writers.

Doctor Who brings the childhood delight of imagination into your homes. There are no restrictions on its story telling. Robots in France using a future space ship to slip through a fireplace and scan a girl’s brain? Of course. Why wouldn’t they? Simply delightful.

Every time the Doctor passes through the fireplace, years have passed by in France. The young lady is the uncrowned queen of France. She thought the Doctor to be her imaginary friend, and wastes no time in showing him what a French kiss really is once he appears again.

The Doctor is, once again, in love. He likes humans way too much. I barely tolerate them. He may have met his match, as the young girl is to become the king’s mistress. Who could resist the Doctor? Even when wearing his dorky glasses. Hold on a minute, I have dorky glasses! Damn.

The creepy robot is made out of clockworks. Oddly enough, he is less creepy than Tick Tock from Return to OZ. This robot has repaired its ship with pieces of its crew members. It needs one more piece, the mistress’ brain. But only when it’s finished. Or, as I call it, ripe. A sweet and ripe brain.

And clock robots got Mickey and Rose. So it life.

While the Rose and Mickey are captured, the Doctor stumbles in very drunk. That doesn’t last long, as he gets down to business.

The ship turns out to be a sort of space Being John Malkovich hole into the young lady’s stages of life.

The Doctor used the horse to…what? What’s your problem? Yes, he has a horse on the spaceship. Now before I was interrupted, the Doctor used a horse to smash through a time window. Smashing means he can’t get back to the ship. He is stuck 3000 years in the past. He doesn’t seem to mind. He is in love.

The fireplace is still intact! So a quick spin through and the Doctor is back. But now the young lady, whose name I haven’t bothered to spell, has passed on. Ahhh, the loneliness of being the last time lord. Seeing all those you love pass on.

What a bittersweet story. What a wonderful show.

Heroes: Come Together

Heroes

HeroesHeroes is a show I gave up on, but you won’t let me give up. NBC has picked it up for a full season, so they haven’t given up on it either. I’m screwed, aren’t I?

The titanium cheerleader’s evil father has captured the mind reading cop and is bathing him in blue light. Man, it’s a good thing I’m not the only one who hates blue light.

Hey, the super characters just crossed paths in a casino! And then nothing happened. Something should have exploded. This show already blew up New York once. I can’t make too many demands.

The cheerleader who died again last episode was identified as a Jane Doe at the morgue during her autopsy. If only they had a way to tell who people were! That doesn’t seem like a cheap cop out at all, said the blogger with ultimate sarcasm.

The flying politician blew off the Indian fellow and his warnings of skull cap removal. Would you vote for a flying politician? If they went, “I know you want to know my stance on abortion, but check this out,” and then did a loop-dee-loop? How couldn’t you vote for that?

The time stopping fellow has been tricked by his iPod porn wielding friend to use his special powers to gamble. Better him getting rich than Tom Cruise.

Things are a bit more interesting this episode, as the plots of the current super heroes are starting to interact. That is a relief. It is easier to concentrate on a show when you don’t need to keep a notebook of fifty seperate stories.

The time stopping fellow isn’t being very subtle in his cheating. While his friend was playing poker, he switched his crappy hand for the other fellow’s great hand. Sure, nobody would believe that could happen, but you should try to be a little more coy.

The handy dandy fellow who can paint the future? He needs to shoot up before his super power kicks in. Can you get medicinal heroin?

The casino got wise and kicked out the cheating duo. They are lucky they didn’t get taken into the back room. Oh, the cowboy who got cheated at the poker table was waiting for them. You can’t stop time if you get knocked out.

The mass murdering high priced hooker just kicked a bigger fellow’s ass. It might have been her husband. It would have been neat to see the murderous side of her come out, if it weren’t for the stupid dialogue that started it.

On no! More blue light! Run!

My faith in this show has been renewed. The cheerleader just asked for a lift home from the captain of the football squad. You know him, the rapist captain of the football squad? She wanted to drive though. Drive them right into a wall! That is the kind of cheerleader death I can accept, not just falling on a stick.

And Hiro came back from the future and could speak English. Obviously.

Battlestar Galactica: Exodus

Battlestar Galactica

Battlestar GalacticaThis is the first episode of Battlestar Galactica that I have ever seen. I was encouraged to get myself up to date before watching this episode, but that isn’t what this site is about. Join me, in my confusion of seeing it for the first time!

Humans created Cylons. Cylons rebelled. I hope that is all I need to know.

Robot people, who might just be these Cylons I keep hearing so much about, murdered a truckload of people that were taken out to the middle of nowhere.

Oh yeah, and “frak” is the swear word of the future. But I learned that from Veronica Mars.

A friend or daughter of some dude with one eye is on a Cylon murder list. She escaped at the beginning of the episode. Someone in a mask let her go, actually. Not a Nixon mask or anything like that. Did Nixon exist in the Battlestar Galactica universe?

There were lots of explosions and gun fire. The resistance, as they may or may not be called, saved the trucks full of people.

There is a SciFi original movie on this weekend called Haunted Prison. That is going to be so awful, I can’t wait! It stars Gary Busey’s son!

From what I can tell, a guy who looks like John Travolta from Pulp Fiction is sad. I wonder who the most important character in this show is. That way, I can concentrate on them, and no one else. That could clear up a little confusion. Really, I’m just lazy. So it would allow my laziness to flourish.

Some attack is being planned. Soon, there will be space ships and loud explosions in space, even though there is no sound in space.

Hold up, someone is named Commander Pegasus. Pegasus, like a magical flying horse that you would find in the dreams of six year old girls.

An old smoking man in bloody clothes is talking to Xena, the princess who also a warrior. One of them is human and one of them a Cylon. I can’t tell which is which.

Dean Stockwell has shown up to drink booze and dream of candy colored clowns called the Sandman. See, I went for the Blue Velvet reference instead of the Quantum Leap reference.

A bunch of slow talking and plot development is happening. A dead baby who isn’t dead is involved. Damn, and this space fight is going to have to start in the next episode. I feel ripped off.

Okay, young lads and older fellows with acne scars. Go ahead and convince me that this show is better than I think it is.

Doctor Who: School Reunion

Doctor Who

Doctor WhoDoctor Who starts off with a creepy headmaster. For those of you Yanks, like me, a headmaster is like a principal. Never mind the difference in colloquialisms. The headmaster just ate a little girl!

It is a good thing the Doctor just happens to be teaching physics at this school. He is up to something. Rose is a lunch lady. Do they have a different word for that too? Slopwrangler?

Some toxic waste that was in the school kitchen spilled on a slopwrangler. She was hurried away into another room where she exploded into a puff of vapor. Do you think that would clear up your sinuses if you took a deep breath? Nothing loosens the mucus like slopwrangler steam.

There is a secret room full of children typing at about a billion words per minute. Secretary training, of course!

Hold the phone, the doctor is in love with an investigative journalist. Hold the phone? People only say that in movies because script writers are trying to write naturally.

The journalist knew the Doctor in one of his previous forms. She must have been from much earlier in the series, as one of the Doctor’s companions.

The headmaster and teachers? They are big bat people who sleep in the school.

Sarah Jane, the previous companion, brought a friend along in her trunk. K-9, a broken tin dog. A wind up monkey who claps his cymbals would be more useful.

K-9 sounds a bit like a stuttering Dalek. I mean, a drunken Christmas tree.

The bat people actually looked a bit like humans centuries ago. They take the best bits of the races they conquer, mentally and physically. This turned them into ugly bats. “Best” is a matter of opinion, which is why you can say you make the “best bagels in the world” and not get sued. It is subjective.

The bat people are using the children’s brains and souls to crack the building blocks of the universe. That is where I would have failed. I would have just used their souls. How many souls of children would I have gone through before I finally gave up?

K-9 saved the day with lasers that shoot from his nose. Saved it for a while. You can’t shoot lasers out of your nose forever. Eventually, you’ll need a sandwich.

The little dog that could exploded the bat people with their own green goo. I will pretend that it was guano. Going to the bathroom must be really tough for them. Well, not any more. Because, you know, they exploded.

Rose’s friend Mickey is now along for the journey. The universe journey. I guess we’re all on a universal journey. We just don’t move about as much.

Supernatural: Bloodlust

Supernatural

SupernaturalSupernatural never starts out in a boring way. A girl in the woods gets decapitated by a scythe? Good times!

For those of you who are bound to complain, Sam plus Dean equals Sean. I will continue to say “Sean” even if you don’t like it.

This episode deals with vampires. Those are the fun guys and girls that drink blood.

Sean loves to pretend. First they were reporters, the next moment they are doctors. Do they even want to be demon hunters?

The girl that was decapitated? It was one of those fun boys and girls that like to drink blood. That means she was a vampire. She was probably killed for unrelated reasons. Like gambling or sending inappropriate messages to congressional pages.

Did I mention that Sean has a new set of wheels? They’re showing it to their new vampire hunting friend, Gordon.

This episode is getting nice and grisly. Industrial chain saws are a very messy way to decapitate someone or something.

Sean isn’t too happy with Sean having so much fun killing that vampire. Sean and their new friend are having fun while Sean goes back to the motel.

And just after Sean got warned that they shouldn’t hang around their new friend Gordon, he gets jumped by a bunch of vampires. Even after he was the responsible one and went back to the motel. Never go back to the motel. Either you’re going to get jumped by vampires or you will spend too much on soiled sheets.

As it turns out, these local vampires just want peace. They drink cow’s blood and leave the locals alone. That means Gordon has been murdering them simply out of revenge, not out of necessity. But if you murder out of necessity, it isn’t really murder anymore. It is self preservation or a pre-emptive strike. That is all totally defendable, right? I need to know, so I can kill this dude who looks at me funny.

Gordon hunts vampires because they took his sister. Then he killed his sister because she was a vampire. That’s cold.

These Cingular “Push to Talk” commercials make me want to kill myself.

Sean beat up Gordon and tied him up while Sean got the nice vampire lady to safety. It is time for Sean to drive into the sunrise, leaving Gordon to be untied by someone at a later date. I have a feeling that they haven’t seen the last of this angry angry vampire hunter.

Dead Like Me: Ashes to Ashes

Dead Like Me

Dead Like MeSweet nougaty goodness, I get to watch Dead Like Me instead of Gilmore Girls tonight! Now this is my kind of Tuesday!

Can you believe that I have never seen this morbid and goofy show about a young girl who becomes a grim reaper? I can’t either! It seems right up my ally. We’ll see if I enjoy myself. I am full of pizza. That’s a good way to start an evening.

A homeless man was just skewered by a squirrel kabob. George, the young blonde female grim reaper, killed the wrong homeless man with a squirrel kabob. It is a mistake anyone could make.

Can people see George? Isn’t she dead? If I had watched from the beginning I would be less confused. George wanted to give the homeless man she accidentally took a proper burial. That involves money. Or a shovel. Shovels cost money.

Hold on, George works in an office? With people? I am out of it. I will try to enjoy the dark humor without the basis of knowledge I need to understand it.

Wait, I think I have handle on it. There are a bunch of reapers who are actually living people. They hang out together, kill those on their list for the day, and then meet in a diner. I may be totally off on that. I am not a good source of information.

Wait, she is dead. I may say I give up again, but I will just let myself down and keep trying. Failing at failure. How long until someone snags that band name?

George got hoodwinked into paying for the dead vagabond’s funeral. How many times has that happened to you? Heck, I bet half of the local graveyard is full of dead hobos I had to pay for. I have documents to back that up, but don’t ask to see them.

Did you know there were subplots going on? I am not about to figure those out. I’m watching them, but they are being flushed down my brain toilet. It empties into a sea full of rainbows.

Oh come on, goths don’t do “light as a feather, stiff as a board.” They sew cloaks of eternal sadness from the broken dreams a thousand cursed doves.

For $400, George ended up with a bag of hobo ashes. There are only two things to do with hobo ashes. Drink them or snort them. Either way, they’re going into you.

Heroes: One Giant Leap

Heroes

HeroesHeroes is on its third episode, which should be a little more coherent than last week. I hope I get to see the inside of someone else’s head again.

The two flying brothers, who can fly, are trying to figure out how they done got all up in the air. This is while the Indian fellow tries to figure out his father’s research with the help of some Winona Ryder looking gal. And some unattractive police woman is interrogating some mind reading police cadet. Man, she isn’t ugly but she isn’t good to look at. Is that a super power?

The time traveling Asian fellow brought a comic book back from the future. It was drawn by a man who can paint pictures of the future. The comic book tells the future and helps the time traveling Asian save people. No sports scores and lottery numbers for this bright young man.

Oh yeah, the single lady with the kid is burying bodies in the desert still. Enough characters! That will be the downfall of this show, if there is a downfall.

All I want to do is complain about how many fractured stories there are. They don’t spend enough time on any to really make me care. Even New York getting blown up is nothing fantastic.

Now we are talking! The time manipulator thinks he needs a costume.

High school sports teams still burn things in effigy. You think someone would have jumped in to stop that violent behavior before they started blaming video games.

How many times is this cheerleader going to die? While being sexually assaulted by her boyfriend, her head gets impaled on a stick. I give up on this show right now. She has died so many times accidentally! I can accept the world where these people have super powers, but not where this ridiculous stuff keeps happening over and over.

Time stopping fellow brought a friend to America with him. His friend keeps watching porn on his iPod. What a magical age of technology that we live in! If only Paul Rubens had this technology at his finger tips back in the day.

Doctor Who: Tooth and Claw

Doctor Who

Doctor WhoWhile I enjoyed last week’s episode of Doctor Who, I am supposed to really love this one. I guess we’ll see.

Hold on a second here, the episode starts with ninja monk repo men? Hot diggity damn. This show is great. No diggity. I, for one, would like to bag it up. Bag it up.

The Doctor and Rose travel to 1979, probably to see me being born. Whoops, they ended up in 1879 Scotland. That isn’t even close to my birthday or birthplace.

No bother. The Doctor and Rose meet and accompany Queen Victoria on a little trip. The last time I was forced to watch something about traveling queens, it was To Wong Foo Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar.

Rose’s goal is to make Queen Victoria say, “We are not amused.” It will happen before the episode is over, do not worry.

The monks have totally and secretly taken over the home where the Queen has stopped for the night. You can tell, because they are quite bald. And they poisoned all the guards. You can tell by that as well.

Werewolf! The werewolf wants to pass its blood on to Queen Victoria. There is a full moon tonight as well. Of all the dumb luck.

The Doctor is, in keeping with his MO, more charmed by the wolf than afraid. It may want to bite him, but what an amazing creature, right? Being however many hundreds or thousands of years old, the Doctor is still so delighted by everything. Makes this 9 to 5 business seem like a real waste.

Rose has a bit of a creepy side to her. She knew the captain of the guard was going to be ripped apart by the wolf, but she kept watching. If I were ripped apart by a werewolf, I would like it to at least amuse one person.

Books, so we were told, are the greatest weapons in the world. Who wants to carpool to the library? Do they call libraries something else in the UK? Like Bookie Dooblers?

How do you defeat a werewolf if you are fresh out of silver bullets? Too much moonlight. Just like how you could destroy me with too many oyster wings and pot stickers from Leeann Chin.

The Doctor and Rose were just knighted and daned respectively. Then they were banished. Banished by a werewolf Queen who created the Torchwood Institute to defend against the Doctor? That will come into play sometime. Or has. That was probably a big wink to something I don’t understand.

Doctor Who: New Earth

Doctor Who

Doctor WhoTwo episodes of Doctor Who in one night? I’m a lucky fellow. In this episode, Rose and the Doctor go five thousand or five billion years into the future. All I know is there is a five and a lot of zeros.

It must be billion. After the original Earth burnt out, the nostalgic Earthlings decided to make another Earth, for old time’s sake.

What do you do when you are on the New Earth? Go check out a hospital, of course. Everyone loves a good hospital. Especially when they are going to visit a giant head in a giant jar. The Doctor gets better acquainted with the head while someone brought Rose down to the basement. It was a big flap of skin hooked up to a brain in a jar. Jars jars jars. Mason jars must be sponsoring this episode.

The skin lady zapped herself into Rose’s body. You had to see that coming. It happens every day.

Oh yeah, I’ve been enjoying the new Doctor. He is charming and fun and inquisitive and serious. It is going to be a good second season. Or series. Or second season of the second series.

The cat doctors are growing humans in chambers to test out the cure of all diseases. Oh yeah, cat doctors run this hospital. It’s a Cat Fancy subscriber’s dream.

This skin lady in Rose has some grudge against the Doctor. She has the Doctor trapped in a chamber…oop, he is out. So are all the diseased humans. They aren’t fans of cats. They are very much like zombies. As you should be well aware, I am a fan of zombies. Not that I envy zombies and want to be one. They are just fun.

Wow, cat lady turning into a zombie and then falling many stories to her death. That’s a bit of madness.

The Doctor cured the zombie flesh chamber beings, and now they’re clean. A new fresh version of the human race. It’s fresh like a hotel bathroom, when they fold the toilet paper over into that little triangle point. Fresh human toilet paper points.

All the cats are being arrested. Skin lady floaty sparkle breath is dying. Big head teleported away. Huh. That was a pretty good episode, even if the ending was a bit odd. Heck, the whole thing was a bit odd. The whole series is odd. I like it.

Doctor Who: Christmas Invasion

Doctor Who

Doctor WhoDoctor Who starts off on Christmas, or close to it. The Doctor is in his new form, which confuses the heck out of Mickey and Rose’s mother. Rose is the Doctor’s traveling companion. Because when you want to go on a road trip through space and time you need some company. And not Britney Spears.

Oh, hey! That’s the mum from Shaun of the Dead. She was running for office in a previous episode of Doctor Who. It looks like she got elected. Or she took power. I prefer to think she took power. She might have threatened to release aliens with zippers in their forehead. That would make me give up my seat in the government.

The Doctor is sick, and creepy masked Saint Nicks are trying to blow up Rose and Mickey. I proclaim that a creepy Saint Nick is worse than a scary clown. Imagine the two side by side, and you will feel the same way.

Oh no! Evil spinning Christmas tree! This seems much more deadly than a Dalek. Daleks aren’t remote controlled by creepy Santas.

The pilot fish in Santa outfits are after the Doctor. You’re right, that is a weird sentence, but it is what it is. The Doctor is too full of energy, and all the bad guys can smell his power belches.

The pilot fish, yes yes, weird. The pilot fish are just scavengers, hanging off of something much bigger. And meaner. And scarier than a creepy Santa. Impossible! But we’ll see.

Harriet Jones, from Shaun of the Dead, is Prime Minister. She’s a bit off and goofy, but not wacky and stupid. It’s a good level.

Now scary calf lizard head aliens are coming to Earth. I guess I didn’t need to say “scary.” It was implied. They are called Sycoraxilixacs. Something like that. I’ll call them Syc, because it is easier for me to write and remember. It makes me feel smarter.

The aliens just put a blue spell on a bunch of Earthlings. It makes their heads glows blue. It also makes them go up to the roof. Maybe it makes them blue, as in sad, too. So blue and blue.

1/3 of their world’s population is on a roof somewhere, waiting to jump. That’s quite the hostage situation, Sycs.

The aliens are controlling only humans with A+ blood. And glass just exploded everywhere because of a sonic boom caused by the alien spaceship. I dare say, they are up to no good.

The scary lizard skull was just a helmet! Oh no, they are scary underneath too. The Prime Minister is on the space ship now. A couple of her friends got whipped. And by whipped, I mean whipped with an electronic whip that leaves nothing but a skeleton. You know, whipped.

Rose is captured, but the Doctor woke up and saved the day in the nick of time. The aliens are still in a prime position to cause damage, but the Doctor is a powerful fellow. He isn’t too worried.

How many times has the Doctor saved Earth? We’re rather lucky he has such an affinity for humans. I tend to like humans too. Not all humans. Some of them are jerks.

Wait a minute now, the Doctor’s hand just got cut off. He was more amazed by the fact than in pain. That’s probably shock, or the fact that he is an alien who we keep learning new things about.

No worries, the hand grew back and defeated the alien overlord. The Doctor threw in a comment that he new Arthur Dent. Fantastic. This show is so perfectly goofy and wonderfully put together. Full of ideas and imagination and evil and good.

The Doctor sent the aliens off, never to return. But the Prime Minister decided to blow up their ship as they left. The Doctor was not down with that. And thus, he brought down her rein with a few simple words. What a dandy show.