When the voting is tied, Aric gets to choose. Time for some outrageous Big Brother action.

It’s no use describing the character in the house to you. Just understand that they’re all hate each other, and they’re all very shallow. Like a house full of emotionally vacant hornets. Again with my hornet analogies. Okay, a house full of emotionally vacant shoes.

The teams in the Big Brother house are supposedly perfect matches. So far, there have been zero love connections. Even though the…oh, what’s the classy way to say this…sluts really want to make a “connection.” Sluts are classy now, right?

There are couples “on the block” to be kicked out of the house. Today, they can save themselves by winning a veto. They call it the “golden power” of veto. Yes yes, “golden shower” is the easy joke here. Very good, I’m proud of you.

For the veto competition, they dress up like cupids attached to a pulley system an yell at each other. Did I say yelling? I meant yelling in high pitched hysterics.

Hold on. “Her brain works in an honest way,” was said in regards to someone solving a puzzle. That would only make less sense if it was said about someone in a swimming competition.

The main slut-VS-I’m-just-not-into-you team came off the block. Which is kind of lame, because the team left “on the block” stirs up a lot of trouble. And why would I watch this if it weren’t for all the trouble being caused? I don’t want to watch a lot of nice people make nice.

Slut was searching for I’m Just Not Into You like the Terminator. She is nuts. Oddly enough, I’m Just Not Into You was making out with someone else. Ahhh, this show is great. The people are all nuts.

Slut and I’m Just Not Into You did hook up earlier in the game. Which is why Slut is being led on. I’m Just Not Into You call her his “boy.” IJNIY is so condescending towards Slut. And he keeps putting her down. But she keeps saying he’s her soulmate. That’s amazing. It’s like giving facts to a Creationist.

Now there is a siren threatening to change everything in the house. If it goes off, everyone needs to gather into the living room for a drastic announcement. It will probably go off during tomorrow’s episode and change everything in the game. With only a handful of couples left in the house, they need some twist to extend the game for another two months.

That’s about it for the day. See you tomorrow for, what looks like, Men in Trees. Where did all these Men in Trees fans come from?

Oddly enough, Big Brother and American Idol are on at the same time on Tuesday and Wednesday. Yet Big Brother won the votes last night and American Idol won tonight. Don’t ask me why. I have no answers.

It’s ladies night on AI (that’s American Idol, but much quicker to spell). I’ve been on top of my AI watching, and it’s pretty much sucked. The auditions weren’t fantastic. Hollywood week wasn’t devastating enough. And now the finalists are all losers. At least we only have five hours a week with the losers. Wait, five hours? Screw that.

Carly is up first, and she’s singing Heart. I don’t think you can do better or worse than Heart when singing Heart. It’s not like the vocals are fantastic to begin with, and they aren’t going to get any better when anyone else sings it.

You can download the worst performance of the night on iTunes immediately after the show. In case you like to flush you money down the internet hole

Syesha is an “actress” and can cry like a baby. Which is good for a certain kind of fetishist. She sings a song called Mr. Jones. Assumedly. It isn’t the Counting Crows. Luckily.

Brooke is a beauty school drop out, a badge that is worn on her head every day. She decides to hide behind a guitar for half the song, and squeak a terrible performance out of her doughy face. Not doughy as in fat, but doughy as in white and unremarkable. Tee heeeee. The judges like it though, so what the heck do I know?

Ramiele knows how to Polynesian dance. You might remember another idol who did that. His name was Sanjaya. Oh man, I’m so bored by this show. Maybe if I press on my eyes really hard it will be like I’m watching another show.

Kristy Lee Cook, who can only be addressed by all three names, is a farm girl and tomboy. Entertainment Weekly thinks she’s going to win. I think they just like a pretty face. Which is fine, but this is a singing competition. And she doesn’t have the vocal goods. At least her hair isn’t that of a beauty school dropout.

We’re halfway through the girls tonight, but 41 minutes into the show. When the time comes, I will amass an army and wage a war against filler.

Amanda Overmyer is called original, which is odd because she is just a Janice Joplin copy cat. And now she’s doing a terrible rendition of a Kansas song. Maybe America will send her ass packing tomorrow. Wow, this was worse than karaoke. Luckily, the judges agree. And Simon trashed her stupid hair.

Alaina doesn’t like her food touching. There is no reason I need to know this. And you aren’t watching Toys. I’m hopelessly devoted to this boring and pitchy song. Or, wait, what’s the opposite of “hopelessly devote?” Maybe angrily stabbing.
By the way, Randy Jackson’s watch is huge!

Alexandrea sings some Chicago. And when I wrote “sing,” I was being generous. Very generous. Simon is being much more brutal. Fatality!

Wow, more Heart. I’ll try to understand, try to understand, try try try to understand this song choice. Better luck next time, Kady. If there is a next time.

Then Asia’h wrapped up the night. I didn’t watch, because my cat wasn’t peeing in his litter box. Seriously, cat? The plastic next the litter box? Just move over an inch! But Simon clued me in to how she was. Terrible.

Man, AI is grating on me.

If you haven’t been watching this season of Big Brother, you do not like entertainment. Yes yes, I know. That’s a sweeping generalization. But really, what are you doing? Listen, they trapped all these horrible people in one house and the constantly fight! It’s like watching hornets trapped in a jar of broken dreams.

The shows starts off where Sunday’s nomination ceremony took off. Annoying Amanda and complacent Alex are up on the block along with whoseit and whatsit. Did you know that Amanda is from Fridley, MN? That means I can drive down the street and punch her in the face when she gets back. Not that I would, but I’m close enough to.

Sheila feels shafted by Allison, which is ironic considering they both faked being lesbians. Whiny Sheila feels abandoned now that Allison is safe from going home. Hold on, Allison needs an adjective. Whiny is taken. So is annoying. Come on, thesaurus. What do you have for me? Caustic? Naw. We’ll go with irritating.

Alex and whatsit are confronting pink haired James, who isn’t taking any guff. Not that any of them would use the word “guff.” Unless they were 80. Which they are not. Which leads us into the veto competition where the houseguests fight to remove their head from the block. It’s a confusing game which is no fun to watch. And the people who didn’t need to veto won. Good work.

Things came to a head with Sheila and Allison later, when voices were raised. I actually watched this action live on the internet, and they was about a half hour longer with a lot of talk about yeast infections. Thanks, TV, for saving me from hearing about Sheila’s yeast infection again.

And that’s when the bodily waste hit the windmill. First, Allison ran to the diary room after having an allergic reaction to some unknown allergen. Her tongue was swelling, from what we heard, and they needed to use an EpiPen. And then, at the same time, Amanda fainted from a lack of sugar and started seizing.

Medical units were swooped in. Amanda was taken out on a stretcher! Everyone ends up alright and comes back to the house, but everyone is now really nice to Amanda who they hated not more than one day ago. Drama drama drama!

All in all, a great episode of Big Brother. And with less female problems than the live feeds. And that’s just fine with me.

A NEW episode of Divine Design is sponsored by anonymous. Surely, to screw over the Supernatural fans. Which includes me. But don’t worry! We get to see a house makeover for someone’s yaya.

Are you curious about the origins of the term “yaya?” Yeah, me too. Let’s look! Oh, it’s Greek. That wasn’t much of a journey. I apologize.

Anywho, these folks are updating their home so yaya can live with them and their children.

“Rich color scheme” is code for “a bunch of dark colors without any emphasis.” Now that’s some “divine” design. As long as I’m being sarcastic, let’s take a look at the definition of “divine.”

of, relating to, or proceeding directly from God or a god

Yeah, it can also mean “superb.” I like to pretend the designer is being directed by hod. Because if he can spend his time designing a basement pad for yaya, he certainly has the time to check in on you in the bathroom. He knows what you’re doing in there.

I’m sick of writing “yaya.” Time to switch it up with “old lady.”

The designer used wallpaper for…does it matter? Wallpaper is a terrible invention, and should never have been encouraged.

Dangly beads on the couch pillows? What is a pillow without its basic functionality of providing comfort? What a sad and lonely life for old lady’s pillows.

Old lady loves new room. If you can take any comfort in that, more power to you.

This is a show about becoming the next Pussycat Doll. I think that is some sort of softened drink.

I have missed all of this reality show, searching for the next member of this girl band powerhouse somethingrather. That being said, I’m pretty sure this will be the most important hour of television I will ever watch.

Everyone wears too much lipstick on this show. It looks like their lips are melting off from leprosy.

If you say “axe” instead of “ask,” don’t be surprised when someone makes fun of you.

“You need to go to psychology and find out who the eff you are.” We could all use a trip to psychology. That was after the barrage of “don’t judge mes.” That exchange was time well spent.

Actually, sarcasm aside, this show is pretty fantastic. They have filter down the contestants to the most annoying, and set them loose on each other. That is reality TV at its best. I don’t want to see everyone becoming fast friends. It’s all about the drama. And this show is doing that really well.

The girls are pretending to be sad after they leave their pad. Or maybe the tears are real. I would be sad if my spirit were a hard little black ball that could not be touched.

Yes, yes. We know you’re 18 and have a baby. You don’t have to be embarrassed about it. But don’t wear it like a badge of honor. You were too stupid to use birth control. Aren’t you special?

Mark McGrath, of Sugar Ray hosts this show. A quick search of Wikipedia tells me that Sugar Ray was originally called Shrinky Dinx until Hasbro threatened to sue. I didn’t think Sugar Ray could get any stupider, but it just did.

If it weren’t for the long periods of terrible performances, this would be the perfect show.

Did you know that being able to hear things helps with your singing? Thanks for that pearl of wisdom, president of Geffen Records.

There is going to be a next next Pussycat Doll? Then what was the point of this series? I don’t want this year’s model.

And the girl with the baby “won.” If you can call that winning.

Now the newly complete Pussycat Dolls are performing their one song. Truly, a night to be remembered. I’m sure someone is updating their fanpage with gusto right now.

And that is how the story ends.

Tonight’s comments will be slightly delayed, as I am watching these shows on Tivo. Tivo, the company that once was awesome but now rips you off with their subscription fees. But here is American Idol coming at you! Oh no! You had best watch out!

It is time to watch fifteen minutes of singing and an hour and fifteen minutes of filler. It remaining ten girls will sing tonight, dedicating each of their songs to somebody special.

Flash of red hair girl is dedicating this song to her boyfriend. If I were him, I would reject the package. It sounds like a bomb. The judges don’t really agree with me. Which goes to show that everyone is wrong but me.

Alania is next, dedicating her forced attempt at singing to her mother. The judges agree with me! If I say that everyone is terrible, the judges will agree with me more often than not.

LaKisha is next. And her name is LaKisha. She was named that by her mother, but it is her grandmother that this song is dedicated to. Probably because her grandmother didn’t name her LaKisha. Randy says it was “hot.” Oh, Randy Jackson. You need to expand your adjective vocabulary. At least make up some new slang for us. Except for “good looking out.” That is just rubbish.

Doolittle, the short backup singer with squat shoulder, is dedicating her song to her close friend. I like this tiny gal. Her voice and humility are nice. She has fantastic range and control. The highs are effortless and the lows don’t sound strained. Go, little woman, go!

Antonella, whose naughty pictures have been showing up on the internet, sings next. She will be terrible. I haven’t even heard her tonight and I know it. And…I’m right. Without a doubt, she will again be the week’s Vote for the Worst.

Jordin dedicates this performance to her brother. My verdict? Let me see, where is that thesaurus? Ahhh, here we go. Monstrous. That seems a little strong. We’ll just go with “not so good.”

Stephanie dedicates her song to the people who created her out of egg and sperm. It’s a really weird performance. The intention of the performance is to confuse us, I think. If we say it’s bad, we just didn’t get it. Well, I didn’t get it. And it was bad.

Leslie dedicates this song to her late Grandpa Bob. Does she dedicate her short skirt to Grandpa Bob too? It wasn’t going terribly, until she tried to skat. It sounded like literal skat.

Haley sends this song out to her fiance. Her “dancing” is Riverdance mixed with a seizure, topped with the last flailing motions of a drowning woman.

Sabrina ends the night. She has Paula standing up a bopping in place, but that doesn’t mean anything anymore. She’d get up on her feet for a half tab of Percocet.

There you have the girls. Go Doolittle! And vote for Antonella. She is frightful.

Want to see a trick? Okay, hold a gun to my head. Go on, you can do it. It’s okay. They you go. Okay, now ask me what the difference between Wife Swap and Trading Spouses is. I can’t do it! Guess you’ll have to shoot me. Dang. This is a terrible trick.

Family one lives in the country and eats raw meat in preparation for when civilization collapses. The other family lives in the city. So there you go.

The farm kids don’t go to school. And they don’t clean their house because they believe bacteria is a good thing. Uh oh! Watch out, Ivory! I don’t think they care that your soap floats!

Oh yeah. Put that gun away! Wife Swap has the wives following the other family’s rules for a week, then they make their own rules.

I don’t know where to being with this raw diet. It’s easier to digest? Shenanigans! Cooking food breaks down the chemical bonds and allows you to digest more of it. You get more nutrients from cooking food!

The raw family also wakes up at 2 AM every day to drink yogurt so their body doesn’t go into anorexia mode. You know what? The anorexia modes comes from evolution. If you’re not eating, your body thinks their is a famine and starts storing fat. So you always want to be full. But you know what? You sleep! Humans have always slept! Your body knows that you’re going to have to sleep! It makes adjustments accordingly!

This isn’t city life versus country life. This is city life versus flat out insanity!

“You’re killing the good bacteria and the bad bacteria. Do you really think God would put something on this planet that would hurt us?” Lions! Lions lions lions! Lions! LIONS!

Hey, there’s something I can dig at the city folk for. Feng shui. Putting that red chair against the north wall will not bring you good luck. That’s magical thinking! Stop that!

Farm mom wanted to kill a chicken in front of city daddy’s children. You know, to teach them where food comes from.

Eating out every night isn’t good for you either. That is a bit insane. Not “eat raw meat” insane. But still encompassed by the word that is “insanity.”

What have I learned from this hour? That I am right about everything.

Oh yeah, and the one thing that the farm family took away from this experience? Feng shui.

It’s time for yet another episode of the rage inducing Trading Spouses: Meet Your New Mommy.

The Andrews family has a a wife who is a house. Or, rather, a house wife. She serves everyone. Also, the Andrews are from what I can only assume is Boston. It sounds like they’re a little slow. But that’s just because they say “car” funny. Mommy also has a lazy eye.

Did you know that if you don’t fix lazy eye by the age of 10, you’re stuck with it forever? The brain stops making vision pathways by that time. So quit stalling and get your kid’s eye fixed already! Put down the KFC snacker and make it happen!

The other family is a rock ‘n’ roll family. They were married on David Bowie and Elvis Presley’s birthday. That is pretty rock ‘n’ roll. And their sweet 17 year old daughter loves ballet. Weird!

Mark, the rock ‘n’ roll husband, reminds me a lot of Michael Showalter of Stella and so much more.

Here’s a quick questions. Is soda and booze a good pre-breakfast snack? The answer has to be yes. If you can smoke like a chimney and drink all night long when you’re 50, you’re doing something right. Heck, at 27 I can hardly make it past 11 pm.

House mom doesn’t know what to do with herself. Neither does rock ‘n’ roll mom. I guess that’s sort of the point.

Rock mom has been told to clean the house, and the lazy daughters sleep all day long. Refusal to dust daily brings in the conflict. Dust daily? Are you kidding? Do you have an allergy to dirt? Of course you don’t. You’re a mechanic!

The rock daughter is home schooled, which is crazy. Super religious people seem to be the ones homeschooling their children. Not those at odds with the opinions of the government.

I don’t see why this is a two part episode. I feel no compulsion to watch part two.