Celebrity Remote


TV Shows


Always full of spoilers! Beware!

Bones: Woman at the Airport

How could you possibly choose Bones over a show called Your Mama Don’t Dance? I mean, sure, they could have taken a note from their poor grammar and switched the “you” with a “yo.” Would that have made it more appealing to your voting sensibilities? Dammit, I hate Bones.

With my prejudice squarely in place, let us continue. Bones has a problem with her current project. The skull has been tampered with through plastic surgery. How, oh how, will she be able to tell who it is now? I predict she’ll figure it out in 45 minutes.

Bones is LA. Right now, they are showing us the hard bodies out by a pool. These will be contrasted with Bones who is still wearing all her clothes. Why the hell are they even talking by the pool? That was a stretch directors and/or writers.

For being a scientist, Bones isn’t very scientific. Her false analogies and emotionally-charged rants against plastic surgery are not those of a scientific mind. Comparisons to foot-binding and calling it barbaric? Again, good job writers. Directors, you’re safe here.

They think mystery skull is a call girl. I mean, escort. Sorry, hooker. A hooker.

There is a sub-plot about coming up with the history of an ancient skeleton. While this is more interesting, it bores me. Why is this show still on?

The fake technology this show uses bugs me. They make no attempts to keep this show grounded in reality, even though all the evidence they use is a basic as you can get. Plain old bones. I blame the…creators?

Bones is on a show with Penny Marshall. Bones wrote a book, and Penny Marshall is directing it. Oh lordy, she talked about her brother, Gary. If they are apart, they can’t help but talk about each other.

Also, Bones talked coldly and scientifically about a space-time paradox. So is she acting supposed to be acting like a scientist or not?

Bones and FBI guy keep going to different plastic surgeons, which gives Bones more of a chance to rant for no reason. I’m glad I get to watch an hour of someone’s, so far, baseless opinion.

The found some special tools a specific plastic surgeon used. Then Bones used them on clay to figure out what their marks would look like on bone. Like a saw to make a specific puncture wound. You shouldn’t look so frustrated by that, Bones. It was pretty obvious to me that it wouldn’t be the right one.

So the real murderer was another escort. Sigh. I didn’t think I’d go way from this show hating it more. Everyone involved should be ashamed.


Lost: The Other Woman

Lost! Let’s start.

We start with a flash-forward from Juliet. Psych! It’s a flash-back from when Juliet arrived on the island. Man, you should have seen your face. J.J. Abrams got you so bad!

Back in the present, the boat people disappear into the woods so Juliet goes out to look for her. Juliet finds her therapist in the woods, who isn’t a weird ghost. She warns that the boat people are going to release gas on the island to kill everyone.

Also, there are whispers everywhere in the woods. Doesn’t Walt usually accompany those whispers? Or, you know, death?

In the past, Juliet treats the therapist’s husband for a chemical burn. Who, on a messed up island, isn’t going to make a little meth?

The Tempest is the Dharma station that powers the island. It will also release poison gas to the whole island. The power is really just a bonus alongside killing everyone.

Kate was stupid, and the boat people smacked her over the head. Kate should change her name to Liability.

Juliet has been sleeping with the therapist’s husband. Which is a no-no, because it seems she was brought to the island to save babies and Ben. Not to save Ben. For Ben. Like a mail order bride.

Therapist’s husband was one of the Others who infiltrated the tale end folks. Which means he is good and dead. Or at least dead. “Good” was an assumption on my part. Apart from the affair, I don’t have anything else to judge his character by. Maybe he fixed cleft pallets in his off time.

Ben and Locke are really bonding. Not sarcastically. Ben is showing Locke the man who wants to find and exploit the island. Locke wouldn’t want that. Let’s see if the dynamics change again.

After some tense moments, it turns out the boat people hired by the evil man were trying to stop the evil gas from going and killing. The gas isn’t really evil, I suppose. Gas is gas. Unless it silent.

The last show is Ben walking around. He must have told Locke something good. That was an alright episode of Lost. I wasn’t thrilled, but I wasn’t spectacularly let down.


Men in Trees: Sonta in Three Parts

Without my knowledge or assistance, Men in Trees has continued to exist. In fact, it has a following of rabid fans. Who knew? Let’s watch and see if Whatsername and Whosits still have a confusing relationship filled with sexual tension.

Whosits, by name of Jack, assumedly drown at sea lat week. Whatsername, name of Marin, will find ways to cope. Since she probably still likes him. I haven’t watched the show in a long time, but I assume that’s the case.

Also, Marin has a half-naked man in her kitchen. The top half-naked. This is broadcast television, after all. She is trying to keep him healthy. He looks about 20 years younger than her. I’m going to assume he’s her uncle.

Some folks named Sara and Eric are main characters. I don’t know their deal, aside from Sara liking to sleep in and Eric liking to pray. It probably goes a little deeper than that. Oh, Sara works at a diner and Eric is a Bible study group. Well, one character deepened. A little.

Oh no, bar characters. I don’t have the mental capacity to keep track of all of these people. I’m sticking two the main four. Which is easy. Because one of them might not be an issue any longer.

Jack was tracking whales when his ship went down, which reminds me of Voyage of the Mimi. That was a barely educational show I was force to watch in middle school. Hey, maybe that’s where this forced TV watching stems from.

Coast Guard found a piece of life raft, so they’re calling off the search for Jack. By the way, the piece didn’t have Jack on it. That’s a crucial bit of information. The nameless (to me) characters in the bar look sad.

Everyone in town is coping in a different way. Watching old movies, listening to old records, putting old people in homes. To each their own.

Hold on, one of the nameless hordes had been struck by lightening. They say once you’re struck by lightening, your odds of getting struck again go up. Which is nonsense. Sure, people who get struck by lightening tend to do things that get them struck by lightening. So their odds are above average. But getting struck doesn’t raise your odds.

Marin is doing a lot of looking inwards. And outwards. Reminders of Whosits everywhere. Outward. And inward. But it’s hard to show inward without outward. And it’s hard to show your emotions outwardly without the inward part. It’s a circle of emotion.

There’s a in-no-way-veiled metaphor about sonatas in effect. Each story has three parts, like a sonata. There you go. The nonexistent veil has been lifted. Which means it hasn’t been lifted.

Eric has a parishioner with troubles crashing his home, which doesn’t make Sara happy. This plot point is boring and will not be brought up, by me, again.

Not even one episode goes by and Jack is back. I’m hoping it’s Marin’s imagination and we’re going to have to deal with some deeper issues. We’ll see, after this commercial break.

Jack got picked up by a Russian freighter, or he didn’t if this is Marin’s insanity. I will now pretend that Jack is a ghost, from now on. A gruff and grumbly ghost.

Everyone else can see the ghost too. I will pretend that they are humoring Marin.

Half-naked man needs new kidneys, and he’s lying about it to his niece, Marin. Will uncles never learn?

Marin is making it with a ghost now. In a truck. I don’t understand how he can walk through walls but still touch physical objects. Pfft, ghosts.

So there you have it, rabid fans. No in depth analysis. No attention to detail. No pulled punches. It wasn’t a terrible show, but I can’t see myself watching week after week. You know, on purpose.

Oh, and Marin is moving in with a ghost.


Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles – Vick’s Chip

Wow. You guys didn’t vote for Billy Graham like I thought you would. Instead, we are stuck, again, with Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles. Fox is promoting this as a two hour season finale. Then why does it have two episode names, Fox? You can’t fool me. I’m watching only one terrible hour of television, not two. Nice try.

We open on a snow globe held by a futuristic robot dressed as an FBI agent. He quickly dispatched a high school principal. Well, heck. This is what was missing last episode. And by “this,” I mean “anything interesting whatsoever, especially having to do with robots.”

Did you know that Edward Furlong, to original John Connor, turned into a terrible actor? It’s true! Check him out in Intermedio. You will also see, in Intermedio, an actor named Paul Cram. He is auditioning for the same commercial as me on Wednesday. So, really, it is just like I was in a movie with Edward Furlong. Right?

River, or whatever the female robot’s name is, kept an evil robot brain from the future. It looks like a flashing light that you put on your bike while riding at night. Futuristic! The “brain” came from a robot that was married. It was undercover, like a sleeper cell. I suppose that means my wife is a robot. Dammit. It was nice knowing you all.

The robot was married to a city planner, or something. Robots love plans.

John Connor sure is emo. Do you think he cries while listening to Bright Eyes? Also, the fake FBI robot sure likes shoving people against walls. It’s a bonus if it kills them. Not everything is a bonus.

Vick, the evil robot brain and also an asshole who fights dogs, not a bad story element. We’re watching his memories while the Connor Crew…sorry…Konner Krew tries to solve the mystery that is Vick. It’s not a bad story telling device.

Oh boy, the FBI robot and the River robot are headed for a showdown. But that probably won’t happen until the next episode. Dang. Drat. Tarnation.

The show contains a massive amount of sitting around, talking, and wearing black. Where are we, the 1950s bohemian hedonist movment?

While trying to spread a virus in city hall to shut down what the Vick brain was trying so hard to set up, Sarah Connor and future dude also wearing black failed. Then they were chased down secret tunnels by cops who were easily subdued. That was almost action. The drums tried to tell me yes, but I say no.

Vick’s brain used John Connor’s Blackberry to try and call out his location. Too bad there wasn’t another one of those Blackberry outages at that time.

Now River-bot’s brain is out and accessing a traffic light to save the world. This destroyed some program and caused a lot of traffic congestion. Even on the freeway, where there are no traffic lights. Good one, TV show editors.

This Terminator hour was better than last week’s Terminator. It still wasn’t great. And that’s enough of “television’s most driven series.”


Lost: The Constant

Lost is one of my favorite shows. I would have watched it anyway. So here this here is a bonus. Here come the spoilers.

To get off of the island, you need to go on a very specific trajectory. Even if it means flying directly into a thunderhead. Which Sayid and Desmond just did. When things went south, Desmond’s mind flashed into the future. Or the past. Then back. Then he didn’t know who Sayid was.

This flying helicopter (oh yeah, they were on a helicopter) left the island a day ago. But really they’re only 20 minutes out. Time is really messed up on the island. Or better than ever.

Surprisingly, there is an actual boat the helicopter got to it. It seems like a time wall fried Desmond’s brain, which happens to everyone now and again. He is on the boat saying he doesn’t know Sayid. And now he’s in a military campy. He’s jumping through time more than Billy Pilgrim.

Now Desmond is in a sick bay with someone suffering the same way he has. You see, some people get a little messed up when coming from and going to the island. I blame Einstein. Or Stephen Hawking. Desmond thinks it’s 1996.

Some mathy guy on the island figured Desmond is going into the past on his flashes. He gave him orders to get on a train and find him. In the past. Also, the doctor in the sick bay flipped an alarm and it took about 10 minutes for anyone to respond on the small boat. I mean, I’m lazy. But that’s really lazy.

Mathy guy seems a little Charlie Manson in the past. In the past, as an Oxford professor, he is trying to send rats through time to run races. Or run away from Rat Race. Either is a noble pursuit.

Penny, Hanso, the Black Rock. We’re getting a lot of mythology in our episode today. I forgot about most of these things. Except for Penny. Desmond won’t shut up about her.

Desmond needs a constant in his lives if he doesn’t want to have a brain aneurysm. He is broken up with Penny in the past, but needs her number so he can call her in the future. That’ll fix his brain up proper. Penny knows about the island and she has been searching for Desmond. Then they had a sweet and darling conversation before the phone batteries went dead.

A pretty good episode by my account. A lot of information about time and mysteries on the island. Hooray for Lost.


Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles – The Demon Hand

Boy, it’s been a while. How are you doing? You look great. Niceties aside, let’s get on with the TV.

For my return to the world of television, you have chosen Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles. Just so you know how fickle I am, my Tivo recorded the first episode of this show but not the second. So I threw my hands in the air and said “screw it” and deleted the first episode.

So I was done with the show without seeing it. But here we are, watching it. Well, you might not be watching it. Not that there is anything on in the wasteland that is Monday night television. Let’s go!

As a reminder to everyone, everything here is written on the fly. Complete thoughts are such a bother, don’t you think? So as the show plays, I write.

“Previously” tells me there is a chess playing robots that can kill everybody. Or will, in the future. This show is about fighting the future, like every other show out there. Especially Golden Girls.

There is a girl cop bending metal with her hands. Until further notification, I will assume she is a robot. Oh, but she shut down the power grid to a city. That’s a specifically human trait. So, she’s a human. Wait, she punched a door in. Robot. Hold on, digging through files. Human.

So we have a robot digging through files, surprisingly slowly for a future robot, and this Sarah Condor (or something like that) taking care of her son and brother.

The FBI has the hand of a future robot. I have a hard time believing they’ll know what to do with it. Unless it has to do with illegal wire tapping. Then they’re all over it. That’s probably more the CIA’s deal.

A FBI agent who lied about having the future robot hand, from now on referred to as the FDR, is watching tapes of Sara Concord in a mental institution ranting about the future and death. And where did he file the FDR? In his own freezer, of course. Don’t mistake it for a pot pie or it will kill you.

Ceira Konner broke into the FBI agent’s house to find info about FDR. What she finds is his files on her. Hold on, the friendly robot is doing ballet. The instructor just told her she is acting mechanical. Oh, the irony.

This is a lot of writing for only 17 minutes of show. I’m putting way too much effort into this.

Talk talk talk talk talk. I’m about ready for some action here. Maybe something to do with “fighting” and “future.” There are a lot of guns, but they aren’t being fired. There are a lot of robots, but they aren’t fighting. There are a lot of fists, but they aren’t punching.

John Connor is watching Sarah’s (I got tired of spelling her name wrong) mental institution tape. Can’t see any good coming from that. It’s nice to know that, even though the future is at stake, John still has to go to school. Knowledge is power, but then what use are all those guns?

Nosey FBI agent is talking to Sarah’s old psychologist in his woodland home. There are no raccoons doing his dishes. That would be charming. And disease-tastic! Hey, guess who drugged the FBI agent? What’s up, doc?

Robot kicked some fool. That’s all.

The doc thinks the FBI agent is a robot from the future. To test this theory, there was a little leg stabbage. And there was blood. Doc thinks Sarah’s psych ward ramblings line up with the book of Revelations. Now he’s recapping Sarah’s escape from Terminator 2. Been there, doc. Get on with it.

Now John and the guy I assumed was Sarah’s brother are having a heart to heart. He’s just some guy from the future. Or an uncle. I don’t really care. But boy does he hate robots.

Guys are getting out of pitch black car, towards there apartment where the robot is. But she got the info she wanted, so she walked right on by as they killed the Russian chess family. That’s not action! But the doc is burning the FBI agent. That is, sort of, action. Then Sarah punched the doc and took the robot arm. That’s more action-ish. And that’s all we got.

I could go for some more serious talking right about now. Hey, we’re in luck! Blah blah blah feelings blah blah. Why is so many relationships developing when killer robots are involved? You hear me, Transformers?

The FBI agent who the doc tried to kill put the doc in the psych ward he originally worked in. I’m not impressed with this full circle. Also, FDR got all burnt up.

Dear Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles, I am not a fan. Your truly, Aric McKeown.


Alias: Reckoning

We pick up where we left off last time. Sydney and pal accidentally blew up a gang of CIA fellas. And inhalers. Now Syd is going to show us what emotions sort of look like if you squint really hard.

Syd’s father, who works for the CIA and is spying on SD-6, was investigated by the FBI for possibly stealing secrets. The FBI agents was named Bentley, like the car. His new name will be VW Bus. Also, he died in a car crash with Syd’s mom. The VW Bus isn’t a very safe vehicle.

Bah. More emotions. Maybe once we get to the next scene…oh. More emotions.

Whoops. Hello, used DVD. You seem to have stopped. Ahhhh, there we go.

SD-6 is going after a group called FTL. They do not deliver flowers. But they do hide codes in birthday cards. SD-6 will be going after the special decoders.

Emotions.

Time for some Syd disguises. She is wearing a dark wig and a piece of carpet. I wonder how much that dress costs per foot.

It’s a good thing guards never look up. Syd would have been dead long ago then. Really, though, what is up that’s ever worth looking at? Stars? Yeah. Been there, done that.

There is some sub-plot about singing and another one about Will investigating the murder of Syd’s fiancé.

Emotions.

The greeting cards were decoded by DNA. Time to dig up a body! After finding it, of course. Through disguises.

When you leave an apartment in a state of disrepair, who leaves the fridge door open? That seems a little much.

Emotions.

Syd is in a foreign mental institution. Sure, it’s dirty and dank. But it’s universally covered! It looks like the guards are on to her. Come one, electroshock!

Cliffhanger! You folks better vote for Alias again next week!


Women’s Murder Club: The Past Comed Back to Haunt You

I have never heard anything bad about the Women’s Murder Club. However, I have heard only one good thing. Who is right, nothing or one thing? Or me? Let’s see!

A building just went up and exploded. Then there was a fake commercial for Double Cross, a book by James Patterson. The face commercial was pretty funny. But let’s get serious here. Someone is in jail for something.

Uh oh, I think there are clues and references from pervious episodes all up in here. Concentrate, Aric! You’re working at a disadvantage here.

Jamie, son of a death row murderer, escaped this exploding building. Either someone tried to kill him or he caused the explosion to cover his allegedly murderous tracks.

Do you know what doesn’t help your case? Running from the cops. Do you know what really doesn’t help your case? Murder.

So Paul, death row resident, was seen by the murdered Ben Cooper leaving another murdered person’s apartment. And Paul’s son, Jamie, is accused of murdering Ben Cooper.

They’re trying to solve to cases. Also, there are a bunch of women trying to solve these cases.

Halfway through, I have deemed this show stupid. Will it get stupider or better in the next 30 minutes?

And one of these women might be pregnant. You know what I don’t want to deal with? Murder and women’s problems.

And why do people drag people into bathrooms for private conversations? Need to talk in secret? Let’s go into a room with several other mini rooms in it that are far from soundproof and a good place for people to hide!

It looks like they have whitey on the run! I hate whitey so much! Actually, he is the district attorney who is something something with somebody and also might something to somebody something.

Guess who isn’t pregnant? Me!

You know what doesn’t stop executions? Protesters.

Guess who is the murderer! The former roommate! Tsk tsk, blaming whitey.

Execution stopped. Mysteries solved. Mouth stretched into a yawn. I could have used a larger helping of women’s issues. Just kidding. Women are stupid.




Make Me Watch TV © 2008 Aric McKeown. All rights reserved. I am not responsible for the content of external sites.