Bones: Woman at the Airport

How could you possibly choose Bones over a show called Your Mama Don’t Dance? I mean, sure, they could have taken a note from their poor grammar and switched the “you” with a “yo.” Would that have made it more appealing to your voting sensibilities? Dammit, I hate Bones.

With my prejudice squarely in place, let us continue. Bones has a problem with her current project. The skull has been tampered with through plastic surgery. How, oh how, will she be able to tell who it is now? I predict she’ll figure it out in 45 minutes.

Bones is LA. Right now, they are showing us the hard bodies out by a pool. These will be contrasted with Bones who is still wearing all her clothes. Why the hell are they even talking by the pool? That was a stretch directors and/or writers.

For being a scientist, Bones isn’t very scientific. Her false analogies and emotionally-charged rants against plastic surgery are not those of a scientific mind. Comparisons to foot-binding and calling it barbaric? Again, good job writers. Directors, you’re safe here.

They think mystery skull is a call girl. I mean, escort. Sorry, hooker. A hooker.

There is a sub-plot about coming up with the history of an ancient skeleton. While this is more interesting, it bores me. Why is this show still on?

The fake technology this show uses bugs me. They make no attempts to keep this show grounded in reality, even though all the evidence they use is a basic as you can get. Plain old bones. I blame the”¦creators?

Bones is on a show with Penny Marshall. Bones wrote a book, and Penny Marshall is directing it. Oh lordy, she talked about her brother, Gary. If they are apart, they can’t help but talk about each other.

Also, Bones talked coldly and scientifically about a space-time paradox. So is she acting supposed to be acting like a scientist or not?

Bones and FBI guy keep going to different plastic surgeons, which gives Bones more of a chance to rant for no reason. I’m glad I get to watch an hour of someone’s, so far, baseless opinion.

The found some special tools a specific plastic surgeon used. Then Bones used them on clay to figure out what their marks would look like on bone. Like a saw to make a specific puncture wound. You shouldn’t look so frustrated by that, Bones. It was pretty obvious to me that it wouldn’t be the right one.

So the real murderer was another escort. Sigh. I didn’t think I’d go way from this show hating it more. Everyone involved should be ashamed.

Lost: The Other Woman

Lost! Let’s start.

We start with a flash-forward from Juliet. Psych! It’s a flash-back from when Juliet arrived on the island. Man, you should have seen your face. J.J. Abrams got you so bad!

Back in the present, the boat people disappear into the woods so Juliet goes out to look for her. Juliet finds her therapist in the woods, who isn’t a weird ghost. She warns that the boat people are going to release gas on the island to kill everyone.

Also, there are whispers everywhere in the woods. Doesn’t Walt usually accompany those whispers? Or, you know, death?

In the past, Juliet treats the therapist’s husband for a chemical burn. Who, on a messed up island, isn’t going to make a little meth?

The Tempest is the Dharma station that powers the island. It will also release poison gas to the whole island. The power is really just a bonus alongside killing everyone.

Kate was stupid, and the boat people smacked her over the head. Kate should change her name to Liability.

Juliet has been sleeping with the therapist’s husband. Which is a no-no, because it seems she was brought to the island to save babies and Ben. Not to save Ben. For Ben. Like a mail order bride.

Therapist’s husband was one of the Others who infiltrated the tale end folks. Which means he is good and dead. Or at least dead. “Good” was an assumption on my part. Apart from the affair, I don’t have anything else to judge his character by. Maybe he fixed cleft pallets in his off time.

Ben and Locke are really bonding. Not sarcastically. Ben is showing Locke the man who wants to find and exploit the island. Locke wouldn’t want that. Let’s see if the dynamics change again.

After some tense moments, it turns out the boat people hired by the evil man were trying to stop the evil gas from going and killing. The gas isn’t really evil, I suppose. Gas is gas. Unless it silent.

The last show is Ben walking around. He must have told Locke something good. That was an alright episode of Lost. I wasn’t thrilled, but I wasn’t spectacularly let down.

Men in Trees: Sonta in Three Parts

Without my knowledge or assistance, Men in Trees has continued to exist. In fact, it has a following of rabid fans. Who knew? Let’s watch and see if Whatsername and Whosits still have a confusing relationship filled with sexual tension.

Whosits, by name of Jack, assumedly drown at sea lat week. Whatsername, name of Marin, will find ways to cope. Since she probably still likes him. I haven’t watched the show in a long time, but I assume that’s the case.

Also, Marin has a half-naked man in her kitchen. The top half-naked. This is broadcast television, after all. She is trying to keep him healthy. He looks about 20 years younger than her. I’m going to assume he’s her uncle.

Some folks named Sara and Eric are main characters. I don’t know their deal, aside from Sara liking to sleep in and Eric liking to pray. It probably goes a little deeper than that. Oh, Sara works at a diner and Eric is a Bible study group. Well, one character deepened. A little.

Oh no, bar characters. I don’t have the mental capacity to keep track of all of these people. I’m sticking two the main four. Which is easy. Because one of them might not be an issue any longer.

Jack was tracking whales when his ship went down, which reminds me of Voyage of the Mimi. That was a barely educational show I was force to watch in middle school. Hey, maybe that’s where this forced TV watching stems from.

Coast Guard found a piece of life raft, so they’re calling off the search for Jack. By the way, the piece didn’t have Jack on it. That’s a crucial bit of information. The nameless (to me) characters in the bar look sad.

Everyone in town is coping in a different way. Watching old movies, listening to old records, putting old people in homes. To each their own.

Hold on, one of the nameless hordes had been struck by lightening. They say once you’re struck by lightening, your odds of getting struck again go up. Which is nonsense. Sure, people who get struck by lightening tend to do things that get them struck by lightening. So their odds are above average. But getting struck doesn’t raise your odds.

Marin is doing a lot of looking inwards. And outwards. Reminders of Whosits everywhere. Outward. And inward. But it’s hard to show inward without outward. And it’s hard to show your emotions outwardly without the inward part. It’s a circle of emotion.

There’s a in-no-way-veiled metaphor about sonatas in effect. Each story has three parts, like a sonata. There you go. The nonexistent veil has been lifted. Which means it hasn’t been lifted.

Eric has a parishioner with troubles crashing his home, which doesn’t make Sara happy. This plot point is boring and will not be brought up, by me, again.

Not even one episode goes by and Jack is back. I’m hoping it’s Marin’s imagination and we’re going to have to deal with some deeper issues. We’ll see, after this commercial break.

Jack got picked up by a Russian freighter, or he didn’t if this is Marin’s insanity. I will now pretend that Jack is a ghost, from now on. A gruff and grumbly ghost.

Everyone else can see the ghost too. I will pretend that they are humoring Marin.

Half-naked man needs new kidneys, and he’s lying about it to his niece, Marin. Will uncles never learn?

Marin is making it with a ghost now. In a truck. I don’t understand how he can walk through walls but still touch physical objects. Pfft, ghosts.

So there you have it, rabid fans. No in depth analysis. No attention to detail. No pulled punches. It wasn’t a terrible show, but I can’t see myself watching week after week. You know, on purpose.

Oh, and Marin is moving in with a ghost.

Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles – Vick’s Chip

Wow. You guys didn’t vote for Billy Graham like I thought you would. Instead, we are stuck, again, with Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles. Fox is promoting this as a two hour season finale. Then why does it have two episode names, Fox? You can’t fool me. I’m watching only one terrible hour of television, not two. Nice try.

We open on a snow globe held by a futuristic robot dressed as an FBI agent. He quickly dispatched a high school principal. Well, heck. This is what was missing last episode. And by “this,” I mean “anything interesting whatsoever, especially having to do with robots.”

Did you know that Edward Furlong, to original John Connor, turned into a terrible actor? It’s true! Check him out in Intermedio. You will also see, in Intermedio, an actor named Paul Cram. He is auditioning for the same commercial as me on Wednesday. So, really, it is just like I was in a movie with Edward Furlong. Right?

River, or whatever the female robot’s name is, kept an evil robot brain from the future. It looks like a flashing light that you put on your bike while riding at night. Futuristic! The “brain” came from a robot that was married. It was undercover, like a sleeper cell. I suppose that means my wife is a robot. Dammit. It was nice knowing you all.

The robot was married to a city planner, or something. Robots love plans.

John Connor sure is emo. Do you think he cries while listening to Bright Eyes? Also, the fake FBI robot sure likes shoving people against walls. It’s a bonus if it kills them. Not everything is a bonus.

Vick, the evil robot brain and also an asshole who fights dogs, not a bad story element. We’re watching his memories while the Connor Crew-sorry-Konner Krew tries to solve the mystery that is Vick. It’s not a bad story telling device.

Oh boy, the FBI robot and the River robot are headed for a showdown. But that probably won’t happen until the next episode. Dang. Drat. Tarnation.

The show contains a massive amount of sitting around, talking, and wearing black. Where are we, the 1950s bohemian hedonist movment?

While trying to spread a virus in city hall to shut down what the Vick brain was trying so hard to set up, Sarah Connor and future dude also wearing black failed. Then they were chased down secret tunnels by cops who were easily subdued. That was almost action. The drums tried to tell me yes, but I say no.

Vick’s brain used John Connor’s Blackberry to try and call out his location. Too bad there wasn’t another one of those Blackberry outages at that time.

Now River-bot’s brain is out and accessing a traffic light to save the world. This destroyed some program and caused a lot of traffic congestion. Even on the freeway, where there are no traffic lights. Good one, TV show editors.

This Terminator hour was better than last week’s Terminator. It still wasn’t great. And that’s enough of “television’s most driven series.”

Lost: The Constant

Lost is one of my favorite shows. I would have watched it anyway. So here this here is a bonus. Here come the spoilers.

To get off of the island, you need to go on a very specific trajectory. Even if it means flying directly into a thunderhead. Which Sayid and Desmond just did. When things went south, Desmond’s mind flashed into the future. Or the past. Then back. Then he didn’t know who Sayid was.

This flying helicopter (oh yeah, they were on a helicopter) left the island a day ago. But really they’re only 20 minutes out. Time is really messed up on the island. Or better than ever.

Surprisingly, there is an actual boat the helicopter got to it. It seems like a time wall fried Desmond’s brain, which happens to everyone now and again. He is on the boat saying he doesn’t know Sayid. And now he’s in a military campy. He’s jumping through time more than Billy Pilgrim.

Now Desmond is in a sick bay with someone suffering the same way he has. You see, some people get a little messed up when coming from and going to the island. I blame Einstein. Or Stephen Hawking. Desmond thinks it’s 1996.

Some mathy guy on the island figured Desmond is going into the past on his flashes. He gave him orders to get on a train and find him. In the past. Also, the doctor in the sick bay flipped an alarm and it took about 10 minutes for anyone to respond on the small boat. I mean, I’m lazy. But that’s really lazy.

Mathy guy seems a little Charlie Manson in the past. In the past, as an Oxford professor, he is trying to send rats through time to run races. Or run away from Rat Race. Either is a noble pursuit.

Penny, Hanso, the Black Rock. We’re getting a lot of mythology in our episode today. I forgot about most of these things. Except for Penny. Desmond won’t shut up about her.

Desmond needs a constant in his lives if he doesn’t want to have a brain aneurysm. He is broken up with Penny in the past, but needs her number so he can call her in the future. That’ll fix his brain up proper. Penny knows about the island and she has been searching for Desmond. Then they had a sweet and darling conversation before the phone batteries went dead.

A pretty good episode by my account. A lot of information about time and mysteries on the island. Hooray for Lost.

Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles – The Demon Hand

Boy, it’s been a while. How are you doing? You look great. Niceties aside, let’s get on with the TV.

For my return to the world of television, you have chosen Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles. Just so you know how fickle I am, my Tivo recorded the first episode of this show but not the second. So I threw my hands in the air and said “screw it” and deleted the first episode.

So I was done with the show without seeing it. But here we are, watching it. Well, you might not be watching it. Not that there is anything on in the wasteland that is Monday night television. Let’s go!

As a reminder to everyone, everything here is written on the fly. Complete thoughts are such a bother, don’t you think? So as the show plays, I write.

“Previously” tells me there is a chess playing robots that can kill everybody. Or will, in the future. This show is about fighting the future, like every other show out there. Especially Golden Girls.

There is a girl cop bending metal with her hands. Until further notification, I will assume she is a robot. Oh, but she shut down the power grid to a city. That’s a specifically human trait. So, she’s a human. Wait, she punched a door in. Robot. Hold on, digging through files. Human.

So we have a robot digging through files, surprisingly slowly for a future robot, and this Sarah Condor (or something like that) taking care of her son and brother.

The FBI has the hand of a future robot. I have a hard time believing they’ll know what to do with it. Unless it has to do with illegal wire tapping. Then they’re all over it. That’s probably more the CIA’s deal.

A FBI agent who lied about having the future robot hand, from now on referred to as the FDR, is watching tapes of Sara Concord in a mental institution ranting about the future and death. And where did he file the FDR? In his own freezer, of course. Don’t mistake it for a pot pie or it will kill you.

Ceira Konner broke into the FBI agent’s house to find info about FDR. What she finds is his files on her. Hold on, the friendly robot is doing ballet. The instructor just told her she is acting mechanical. Oh, the irony.

This is a lot of writing for only 17 minutes of show. I’m putting way too much effort into this.

Talk talk talk talk talk. I’m about ready for some action here. Maybe something to do with “fighting” and “future.” There are a lot of guns, but they aren’t being fired. There are a lot of robots, but they aren’t fighting. There are a lot of fists, but they aren’t punching.

John Connor is watching Sarah’s (I got tired of spelling her name wrong) mental institution tape. Can’t see any good coming from that. It’s nice to know that, even though the future is at stake, John still has to go to school. Knowledge is power, but then what use are all those guns?

Nosey FBI agent is talking to Sarah’s old psychologist in his woodland home. There are no raccoons doing his dishes. That would be charming. And disease-tastic! Hey, guess who drugged the FBI agent? What’s up, doc?

Robot kicked some fool. That’s all.

The doc thinks the FBI agent is a robot from the future. To test this theory, there was a little leg stabbage. And there was blood. Doc thinks Sarah’s psych ward ramblings line up with the book of Revelations. Now he’s recapping Sarah’s escape from Terminator 2. Been there, doc. Get on with it.

Now John and the guy I assumed was Sarah’s brother are having a heart to heart. He’s just some guy from the future. Or an uncle. I don’t really care. But boy does he hate robots.

Guys are getting out of pitch black car, towards there apartment where the robot is. But she got the info she wanted, so she walked right on by as they killed the Russian chess family. That’s not action! But the doc is burning the FBI agent. That is, sort of, action. Then Sarah punched the doc and took the robot arm. That’s more action-ish. And that’s all we got.

I could go for some more serious talking right about now. Hey, we’re in luck! Blah blah blah feelings blah blah. Why is so many relationships developing when killer robots are involved? You hear me, Transformers?

The FBI agent who the doc tried to kill put the doc in the psych ward he originally worked in. I’m not impressed with this full circle. Also, FDR got all burnt up.

Dear Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles, I am not a fan. Your truly, Aric McKeown.

Alias: Reckoning

We pick up where we left off last time. Sydney and pal accidentally blew up a gang of CIA fellas. And inhalers. Now Syd is going to show us what emotions sort of look like if you squint really hard.

Syd’s father, who works for the CIA and is spying on SD-6, was investigated by the FBI for possibly stealing secrets. The FBI agents was named Bentley, like the car. His new name will be VW Bus. Also, he died in a car crash with Syd’s mom. The VW Bus isn’t a very safe vehicle.

Bah. More emotions. Maybe once we get to the next scene…oh. More emotions.

Whoops. Hello, used DVD. You seem to have stopped. Ahhhh, there we go.

SD-6 is going after a group called FTL. They do not deliver flowers. But they do hide codes in birthday cards. SD-6 will be going after the special decoders.

Emotions.

Time for some Syd disguises. She is wearing a dark wig and a piece of carpet. I wonder how much that dress costs per foot.

It’s a good thing guards never look up. Syd would have been dead long ago then. Really, though, what is up that’s ever worth looking at? Stars? Yeah. Been there, done that.

There is some sub-plot about singing and another one about Will investigating the murder of Syd’s fiancé.

Emotions.

The greeting cards were decoded by DNA. Time to dig up a body! After finding it, of course. Through disguises.

When you leave an apartment in a state of disrepair, who leaves the fridge door open? That seems a little much.

Emotions.

Syd is in a foreign mental institution. Sure, it’s dirty and dank. But it’s universally covered! It looks like the guards are on to her. Come one, electroshock!

Cliffhanger! You folks better vote for Alias again next week!

Women’s Murder Club: The Past Comed Back to Haunt You

I have never heard anything bad about the Women’s Murder Club. However, I have heard only one good thing. Who is right, nothing or one thing? Or me? Let’s see!

A building just went up and exploded. Then there was a fake commercial for Double Cross, a book by James Patterson. The face commercial was pretty funny. But let’s get serious here. Someone is in jail for something.

Uh oh, I think there are clues and references from pervious episodes all up in here. Concentrate, Aric! You’re working at a disadvantage here.

Jamie, son of a death row murderer, escaped this exploding building. Either someone tried to kill him or he caused the explosion to cover his allegedly murderous tracks.

Do you know what doesn’t help your case? Running from the cops. Do you know what really doesn’t help your case? Murder.

So Paul, death row resident, was seen by the murdered Ben Cooper leaving another murdered person’s apartment. And Paul’s son, Jamie, is accused of murdering Ben Cooper.

They’re trying to solve to cases. Also, there are a bunch of women trying to solve these cases.

Halfway through, I have deemed this show stupid. Will it get stupider or better in the next 30 minutes?

And one of these women might be pregnant. You know what I don’t want to deal with? Murder and women’s problems.

And why do people drag people into bathrooms for private conversations? Need to talk in secret? Let’s go into a room with several other mini rooms in it that are far from soundproof and a good place for people to hide!

It looks like they have whitey on the run! I hate whitey so much! Actually, he is the district attorney who is something something with somebody and also might something to somebody something.

Guess who isn’t pregnant? Me!

You know what doesn’t stop executions? Protesters.

Guess who is the murderer! The former roommate! Tsk tsk, blaming whitey.

Execution stopped. Mysteries solved. Mouth stretched into a yawn. I could have used a larger helping of women’s issues. Just kidding. Women are stupid.

DVD – Alias: Doppleganger

Here we are again, watching the DVDs that the loyal fans of Make Me Watch TV purchased. Purchased so I could be forced to watch more of their favorite shows. I still maintain that Jennifer Garner is no smarty, that shouldn’t effect my enjoyment. Or lack of enjoyment.

The blog tells me that I last watched Alias over a year ago. Wow. Let’s see how much I forgot.

Okay okay. Sydney works as a double agent for the CIA trying to bring down evil SD-6 with her father. Is there anyone on TV without daddy issues?

I totally skipped out on Alias in the middle of a two parter. Sydney got smacked down, and they implanted a bomb in somebody.

Don’t worry. She got away from those guys by running and kicking. I always try the first of those two. Kicking might come in handy sometime.

Nobel Peace Prize winners should not be truest. They could all have bombs secretly planted in them. I’m looking at you, Linus Carl Pauling.

Sydney and pal stole the prize winner and are racing around in an ambulance while trying to take the bomb out because the dudes with the remote detonation device are chasing them.

That was some fantastic action. Well done, Alias. Oh, now Sydney has a paper to finish. I forgot about this college business. Sigh.

Hah, okay. The first 12 minutes were the opener. Now the credits roll. Things had better get much more intense. I mean, we were just caressed by wonderful explosions.

It has been a year. I forgot about the guy with the huge head! Dang, Marshall! Your head is big!

A Halloween party is the sub-plot. Let’s ignore that. Sydney needs to sneak some longhair out of Germany. The CIA will be putting a look-alike, or doppelganger, in there German’s place. So CIA gets the real guy, evil SD-6 gets the fake guy. If everything goes right, which it will not.

Building infiltrated, computer cracked, gas putting everyone in the building to sleep. Ironic, Germans getting ga….anyway. Everything went off without a hitch.

Hey, it’s that cop from Heroes! Hopefully he has a little more courage in this show. This show took place before Heroes. Maybe I can warn him about how Heroes will suck.

Snag. The fake German doesn’t know where some vaccine was made. And soon he will be dead. Sloan, evil SD-6 boss, thinks something is up wit the fake German and Syd. Uh oh. Snag snag snag. Don’t worry. Evil but not evil but evil but not evil double daddy broke fake’s arm and planted him with the location of the vaccine. A broken arm should solve everything. Defaulted on mortgage? Broken arm. Forgot your anniversary? Broken arm. Everything is square.

Time to sneak into the vaccine plant, fake steal something try to fake blow something up, then blow out of there. I could do that.

Spy woman running at top speed are pretty cool. Not as cool as Cary Grant running in a suit, but still cool.

Whoops! CIA and real vaccines blown up. Snag!

Friday Night Lights: How Did I Get Here?

I have never seen Friday Night Lights before. Not the movie. Not the show. Plenty of people do seem to like it. So here comes a fair chance! Just kidding. I’m bound to be unnecessarily harsh.

The recap from last week? Someone jumped off a boat and then decided to not have surgery. This week, the coach (I can tell because he is wearing a hat) received a severely reduced paycheck.

Coach’s sister in law showed up. She is the evil woman from Nip/Tuck. Well, one of the evil women from Nip/Tuck. That show is absurdly stupid and fun to watch.

The coach’s name is Eric. I can relate to that, because my name is similar to his. We are like best friends.

Hmmm, I wonder what Friday night lights refer to. Probably alien abduction. Is this going to be like Roswell?

Some longhair got kicked off of the team. The football team. How do you tell someone they’re off the team? You clean out their locker all passive-aggressive like.

Aaron from 24! He and his TV son look a lot alike. That’s some damn fine casting there casting director whose name flashes by the screen in a matter of milliseconds.

Is the coach’s job to be grumpy all the time? Because I could totally be a coach then. I’d be, all, “you could have done better” and “where are my slippers!” Hey, where are my slippers?

Remember how confusing Heroes was this past week when I missed the first part of the season? I’ve never seen Friday Night Lights and can jump in with no hiccups. Bravo for being easily accessible, Friday Night Lights.

Wait, high school kids drink beer? Where have I been? I should go party with some high school kids. Nothing could go wrong there…thinking…thinking…how old were those kids in Superbad?

Tim, who was kicked off the team, was in Mexico for two weeks. Eric’s wife is a high school counselor. Everyone is nicely tied in to everyone else.

I’m totally not being unnecessarily harsh. I must be sick. I think Butter Burgers are the solution to my illness.

The characters are very real and grounded in this show. And you know what else? The situations are too. As far as I can tell. I never played much higher than little league. I tried soccer once, but that is way too much running for nothing.

I’ve never seen Rudy all the way through. Please don’t tell anyone. Especially men.

24 Aaron is a town cop. And his son went and murdered someone. Or got wrapped up in a murder. Or had a birthday party where someone was murdered. Or watched a murder on TV. Something to do with murder.

There is a bunch of relationship stuff going on that I’m not keeping track of. That’s okay. It runs a bit deeper than I can grasp from one episode.

Cop is torching son’s evidence laden car. That’s a bad cop and a good dad. I’d prefer the other way around. For that guy. Unless it were my dad. Also unless the bad cop got involved with organized crime and got the whole family killed. That would suck.

What’s smarter than drinking beer as a teenager? Drinking beer on school property. That’ll get you back on the team, Tim.

That wasn’t half bad. Good work on the quality there, Friday Night Lights. I may have to check you out in non-voted for capacities.

Bionic Woman: The List

Bionic Woman is one of those shows I wouldn’t be watching if it weren’t for you, the voters. Will I thank you for the new experience, or track you all down for individual eyeball punches? I assume the later, but I’d like to be wrong.

This show, from what I gather, revolves around a woman who is bionic. I’d wager a guess that this bionic college student would rather be dancing at Coyote Ugly. I’m two minutes in, and think Bionic Girl would be a better title.

Keep in mind, I have no background in to these characters or plot. I don’t know why Albert Rosenthal is talking to the, assumedly, bionic girl.

Let’s explore the word “bionic,” shall we? It is the application of methods found in nature to technology. Maybe a little nanotechnology photosynthesis. That sounds like a terrible show.

Young college student gets taken into a super secret government agency? It’s nice that Alias is still on the air. Snap for me!

You may think I watch a lot of Alias. That would be a false assumption your part.

BJ, short for Bionic Girl(I know, I know), is in Paris working with the dreaded CIA to get something done. What did she find there? Terrible dialogue! And it isn’t the fault of the language barrier.

How do you find someone who might have changed their looks? Get yourselves a BJ! She’ll look into their eyes, which they apparently can’t change, and identify them. Oh, her name is Jamie. That BJ is less of a hilarious stretch now.

Back at college, BJ’s friend are something something nobody cares Gilmore Girls style relationship nonsense. I’m sorry, I trailed off a little there. Must be this waterboarding. I mean, television.

Hey, a laptop plastered with Ween stickers. This show must be secretly hip!

The eye recognition software only works if the person looks you directly in the eyes. Which is impossible with a BJ. I mean. Anyway. Um. This technology seems a bit limited. Also, it doesn’t help if it works as you’re walking into the trap.

BJ and partner are awkwardly falling in love while her college friends are…OMG! Did I doze off? What time is it? I need to get to work!

Spies probably argue a lot when they are outside a room where they’re trying to bust someone. It would be more acceptable if, you know, the dialogue were engaging.

I’m glad I can fast forward through commercials. That way I can skip the cast of Chuck telling me how to be green.

Will any of us be better off after watching this episode? Will flowers smell sweeter tomorrow? Will the sun shine brighter? Will we even tell our coworkers about it?

BJ is going back in to get her boyfriendish spy friend and this “list” with 8 million dollars. Which isn’t as much as it seems these days. Now Canadian dollars would be nice.

Remember BJ’s college friends? I guess she lives with her sister. Who is also in college? Oh no, I’m bored again. Please get back to this lame spy business so we can go home and see our kids.

Oh holy crap. Enough with the talking please! It is really hurting me a lot. The writers must have already been on strike when this was written. I know, that is impossible. But it makes my point.

Shejumpedreallyhighcanyoubelieveithowamazaing!

And that, my friends, is the BJ show. Oh, hold on. The words they are speaking is making my vomit in my pants. That can’t even happen! How did you do that, terrible television show? You owe me for my dry cleaning bill!

House: Whatever It Takes

I enjoy House in the same way I like Cheerios. I know what I’m going to get, and I enjoy it. Sure, you can mix it up with the taste of nuts and honey. But it is still Cheerios. And that isn’t bad.

Biff Tannen is the pit chief or whatever you call them for a drag racer with issues. Is anyone home, McFly? It’s heatstroke! Of course, it is infinitely more complex.

This season, Dr. House is trying to hire a new crew. He is testing a whole classroom out. But that doesn’t matter nearly as much as what is wrong with the drag racer. No matter what crazy plot goes on between the classroom, you can still focus on the patient with the problem.

Coach Ben Fredricks is seriously worried about his daughter, but never you mind that. House is helping the CIA for some reason. Unmarked helicopters and everything. They are trying to figure out why a 180 pound man now looks like a zombie. They figure an assassination attempt. Zombies are, technically, the undead.

Back to the spawn of Tom Wilson, she can’t feel her legs. That will make driving cars more than a little difficult. I would set up a Rube Goldberg machine to drive the car. Lighting a candle would burn a string the brings a chestnut down in front of a squirrel in a wheel that turns on a light bulb which attracts and kills 10 ounces of bugs that sets off a scale which then turns the car right. Stepping on the gas is something way more complicated.

The race car driver has polio. There hasn’t been a case in the US for 20 years. And now there has been. Well, a fictional one. But that’s as good as real, right?

Both sets of doctors are trying experimental treatments. I imagine one will fail and the other will succeed. Actually, I’ll change that to both failing. High doses of vitamin C curing polio?

Looks like I was wrong. I still maintain that high doses of vitamin C is good for nothing. I’ll stick to my water that vibrates at healing frequencies, thank you very much.

Haha. I was right! She didn’t have polio. She was poisoned by the guy who wants to cure polio in undeveloped countries. He faked polio in her. Vitamin C, pfah. This vibrating water is so good.

Also, CIA doctor wants to join House’s team. There is a little more plot for you next episode.

Heroes: Out of Time

When setting my DVR to tape Heroes, I accidently typed Herpes. My DVR did not tape Herpes.

This episode is called Out of Time. From the recap, it appears that our heroes need to save New York again. Did I forget to mention that I gave up on Heroes at the end of season one? Well, I did.

Aside from Hiro, I’ve forgotten everyone’s name. Maybe that isn’t entirely true. I remember some more names, but I forgot how to spell them. So I will describe the characters with bitter descriptions.

Doctor Voice Over is working for “the company” along with the terrible actress. Hiro is stuck back in time with Sting hating on him. The cheerleader is in some sort of trouble. Again. And the boring brothers are still alive.

Oh my goodness, I’m boring myself. Recap, consider yourself ended. Let’s move forward.

Someone is trying to kill someone.

Okay, maybe this moving forward isn’t working.

Jack Lemmon is coming to kill someone with glasses and a whiney voice. Morrie, not actually Jack Lemmon, is that cop’s father. You know, the cop with the self confidence issues?

Hold on, we got a little pube bone going on. Groin cleavage? Those lines pointing down to a man’s pee-pee area. You can thank my wife for the terminology.

So Hiro is in the past, Peter is in the future, and everyone else is stuck in the present. The horrible horrible present.

In the future, where Peter’s pube cleavage reigns, a virus has killed 98% of the population.

Hey, I have an idea. How about we get some more characters up in here? There are not enough plot lines going on. Please muddy the waters a bit more. If you can’t settle on a solid plotline, keep throwing them on the pile. Some of your spaghetti is sure to stick to the wall.

Peter has amnesia. That sounds nice right about now. One order, please. Heavy on the blunt trauma to the skull.

Claire, I remembered another name, is falling for a boy. They are kissing and listening to tunes on her sweet Samsung phone. Go out and buy it now, boys and girls, and you could be kissing things too.

Morrie is trying to kill Bob. Simple names! I like it. She also made the bad actress see her dead husband or baby daddy or whatever. Now she is set to kill Bob.

Hiro and Sting are fighting with swords. Sting is singing that terrible Grammy winning song. Okay, he isn’t. And he isn’t Sting. Then a tent exploded.

Morrie and his bumbling cop son Matt are having a fight in Morrie’s mind. It isn’t nearly as interesting as Psychonauts. You should play Psychonauts. It is brilliant, unlike a certain show I may or may not be watching right now.

Apologies if these thoughts have been a bit scattered. I’ve spent most of the evening wrestling with virus protection and system critical errors on my computer. And then I had to watch terrible television.

Peter has gone into the past, Hiro has gone into the future. I think they’ll both be in the present now.

Ali infected herself with a virus that will destroy mankind and hopefully her career. Now that Doctor needs to betray Claire for another plot twist.

Now Sting and Peter are getting together for who knows what reasons.

This episode of Heroes was a pile of plotlines puked out onto a Tilt-a-Whirl spinning around at high speeds.

For lack of better words, this show sure blows now.

Veronica Mars: Debasment Tapes

Last time I watched Veronica Mars, I can to the realization that I dislike it. Ready to catch up? Let’s see. Piz and Veronica made out. Okay, I think I’m caught up with what I missed.

Paul Rudd is in this episode of Veronica Mars. It can’t be all bad. He plays the leader of a band who is coming in to play Hearst College in order to save the radio station. Then his something was stolen! Oh no! Something! That would be more dramatic if I was paying attention.

Tapes. Veronica needs to find backing tapes that someone stole from Paul Rudd. And while that is going on, Logan is setting up a business plan for a class. A creative website. Who has ideas like that?

Of course, his is called GradeMyAss.net. If only I had thought of that!

Paul Rudd is an anti-semite to boot. He can play such a fantastic sleezeball.

A drunken Paul Rudd is taking everyone skinny dipping now. This isn’t going to end well. Skinny dipping is a catalyst for mishaps. Or is a mishap in and of itself.

Veronica solved the mystery, but probably didn’t, because there are 25 minutes left. I can’t fault the show for that, because House does it all the time. Whoops. The mystery is solved. Maybe there’s another mystery around here somewhere.

Piz and Veronica didn’t get Paul Rudd’s tapes back to him on time, so he could find his own courage. Like the Wizard of OZ with more facial hair!

And Mac broke up with her boyfriend. And some other plot strings were left dangling like a broken tree branch in a lonely forest.

Gilmore Girls: Unto the Breach

Lorelai is talking and talking and talking about Logan asking her for permission to ask Rory to marry him. I wonder what will happen in the final episode! Which is next week! Can you believe it? Finally!

Rory is graduating, and Paris is angry about something. Like usual. How can they not stretch out another ten seasons?

I am wearing stereo headphones and can really enjoy the stereo separation of the Gilmore Girls. It have annoying voices pumping into both ears!

How many shoes advertisements can they stuff in between this horrible spaces of this show?

Kirk is going to be sitting in a box this episode. Wacky Kirk. Insert you own euphamism here. And here.

They are going to put on a play about Rory’s life in Gilmore Girls? How can this not kill me? This sounds more lethal than poison. The lethal substance and the band. Which is also a lethal substance.

Rory’s grandparents are singing a parody of a Cole Porter song about Rory’s graduation. Now Logan is proposing to her. Rory didn’t know what to say. Probably because Logan didn’t get down on what knee. The fool!

Rory is all torn an emotional about the proposal. I would be too, if I were in the Gilmore Girls. But that is because the writers would keep stringing my character along for no good reason. It would be pre-destined.

And finally, Rory graduated and turned down Logan’s proposal. She likes life being wide open. Like her stupid mouth! Zing!

Gilmore Girls: It’s Just Like Riding A Bike

It has been a few months since I have seen the Gilmore Girls. Just when I thought this knife that was removed from my body was gone, it is plunged back into my weak flesh. Stop stabbing me!

How quickly will I able to catch up the plot I missed? One tw….good. There I am. I guess all the talking is just a cover for the lack of real movement.

Today’s plot? Chicken pox. I wonder if Saved by the Bell ever did a chicken pox plot. I could be wrong. Maybe it was Family Ties or Home Improvement.

Rory is opening letters for her roommate. That’s the other plot. Actually, Rory is opening acceptance letters for her grumpy friend. She keeps getting into schools, which makes her grumpier and grumpier. Funny, my mood is moving the same way.

The volume of commercial on the CW is on level with the show. This is the exact opposite of the SciFi channel, which will destroy your eardrums if you aren’t careful.

Lorelai isn’t wearing a helmet while biking, after she broke her car by being stupid. I would have less of a head if I didn’t wear my helmet. Wear a helmet, boys and girls. It’s cool to be safe!

Luke and Lorelai are becoming friends again, after she and her husband divorced. I assumed. It’s a pretty safe assumption, since I don’t see him around anywhere.

This just in, from the CW, silk dresses are in! Thank you, faux commercial!

Lorelai and Luke are looking for a car. They are both annoying each other, but are too polite to let it really show. Which causes them to talk very quickly about more than nothing. Sure, that sounds like par for the course, but it really is taken up an annoying notch.

And another notch! And another notch! It’s like a severe weather siren that doesn’t reach a peak.

When an actress says, “I’m only 22,” in a scene and invisible milk squirts out your nose, that’s too bad for the actress.

Oh no! Rory didn’t get her reporting fellowship! I am so sad now because of television!

Ugly Betty: Punch Out

Boy, you guys sure like Thursdays, don’t you? Let’s watch…Ugly Betty? Huh. That’s peculiar.

From what I can gather, this show is about a girl named Betty. If only there were an adjective to describe her appearance.

Five minutes into the show, and I have yet to see any relatable characters. Okay, I can put that aside. After all, I loved Arrested Development. Let’s see, let’s see. Something to like. Something to like. The over the top gay characters? Mmmmm, nope. Vanessa Willia…no. Story line about illegal immigration? No. Son of a gun, I think I’m screwed.

Woo hoo! Time for a hilarious attempt at a make over, Betty! This is sure to be trite. And…it was. Oh, you should have seen it. Everything she liked was crazy and ugly! I mean, can you believe it? And then her final outfit was just her original outfit, slightly modified. My pancreas just fell out of my split side!

How do you make a club scene look hip and trendy? Shake that camera!

I still have another half hour of this show? What can I use as a coping mechanism? Maybe if I slam my hand in a door, I can transfer the pain.

Oh no! Betty’s dad’s caseworker is a fraud! That can keep the threat of deportation going for the rest of the season.

Crazy ex-case worker is going all Kathy Bates on him. She has a sky blue tux for him to wear at their wedding ceremony. Sure, he could have busted through the screen door with ease. But we have another fifteen minutes to waste.

October Road? What the hell is October Road?

Statutory R? The show is a big barrel of laughs, isn’t it? Or is it a drama? It doesn’t seem like much of either.

Monk: Mr. Monk and the Really, Really Dead Guy

Hey! What the… You voted for Monk instead of something terrible. Are you feeling okay? Maybe you should lay down.

Sir, your first mistake was to walk down a dark alley at night. Your next mistake was to have a plastic bag placed over your head. I must point out to you the poisoning, stabbing, shooting, and running over of you that followed is also not a good idea. Yours truly, Aric.

Oh Monk, you don’t know how to use cellphones. It is you versus the shiny van full of FBI detectives full of gadgets. You beat out the men and their machines, John Henry. You beat them out!

Monk is learning to use a computer. Doesn’t he know that computers are about the filthiest things in the universe? I can’t even imagine how many germs I picked up just by writing that last sentence.

Monk is using the CD drive as a cup holder. Oddly enough, I was thinking about that myth today in the car. Coincidences!

40 minutes into the show they mentioned John Henry. At least they know what they are referencing.

Technology loses and Monk wins! But you knew that was going to happen. At least it was quirky and fun while happening. Much less frustrating than Trading Spouses.

Have a nice weekend, boys and girls!

Veronica Mars: Mars, Bars

Veronica Mars was just arrested for helping some dude escape from jail. By accident, possibly. Or possibly. Obviously possibly.

Veronica and her daddy are also searching for the Dean’s murder. Or were. Veronica is still kind of in jail. That doesn’t stop mafia guys though.

Guess who’s out of jail! That’s right, it’s Veronica! Guess who is being held by a gun wielding escape! You’re wrong. It’s Veronica. President McKinley. What were you thinking?

It’s okay. The gun belonged to the guy in the trunk. In the trunk? It’s like I’m buying some jewelry that is hot.

Logan and the secondary characters are on a scavenger hunt. They must do things like buy large condoms and take a picture of them. Seems a little trivial, when there is murder on the line.

Mac’s roommate, whose name I forgot, is falling for Logan. I think her name begins with a P. Posterior?

Hey, the Dean had inoperable cancer! That’s the kind of thing that could lead to ending it all and not murder! Or a red herring. Actually, absolutely a red herring.

Oh, the coach was dying of something, not the Dean. I should be paying more attention, and not make so many snarky comments.

The Sheriff was clubbed. The Dean’s possible murderer was shot. And Keith, the lucky stalker, showed up in time to clean up.

The coach had himself killed, due to the disease thingy. He left an explanation on DVD. That’s convenient.

Keith is temporary sheriff now. And he is getting down to business! Or biz-nass!

Gilmore Girls: I’m a Kayak, Hear Me Roar

It’s odd how much Gilmore Girls have changed my life. On the car ride home from work I found myself hoping that Gilmore Girls would be canceled. As a normal male human being, this thought should never have to enter my mind.

Lorelai and hubby broke up, and now she and Rory need to break it to her parents. And they ran out of gas. How charming.

Grandfather is recovering from a heart attack. Grandmother is her own terrible self. And for some reason, we have to suffer through it. I don’t watch TV to experience annoyance.

Grumpy grandpa has indicated the soup is not a meal. Finally, I agree with something on Gilmore Girls! Time to break out the champaign!

Tuesday was already a terrible day in my book. The constant strain of Gilmore Girls is going to kill me. Or make me go bald.