It’s the very last episode of Alias ever! Get out your tissues. You don’t want to mess up your mascara from all of that crying.

Team Alias, or the CIA (whatever you want to call them), is getting visual confirmation of Prophet 5 members from around the world. Er…bad guy members. Why? Dunno. Maybe they’ll explain it next episode. Just kidding, there is no next episode.

Now Team Alias has a face for each of the head members of Prophet 5. Things can’t not go down this episode! There is going to be so much action!

Don’t get too confused now. Prophet 5 is headed up by 12 people. All of these big numbers give me trouble. Anywho, the A-Team needs to apprehend everyone at the same time, so they don’t tip off the others about what is going on. I bet they’re going to synchronize their watches and stuff!

Mac Tonight is married? Huh, that kind of surprises me. Hey, all of you who aren’t married? You need to get a spouse. They will surprise you by buying Drumstick brand ice cream treats! They are delicious!

Oh no, moon head got captured! So did some blonde girl who I don’t know who she is. Aww nuts, now they are torturing him. I can’t make fun of his head size any more. He’s being too good to make fun of. Also, his wife didn’t know he worked for the CIA. That’s a tough secret to keep.

Sloane’s daughter ghost vision is back. She had better not be the undoing of Prophet 5. That would make me angry. Like if a puppy killed Hitler. That isn’t a fitting end for a horrible person.

Now Sloane stopped by to see Syd in a parking lot, but just to get her to tell Marshall to do his bidding. Then he was off like a prom dress.

Marshall and blonde girl pinpointed some location for Sloane in central Italy. It’s probably the location of a really good Italian restaurant. Just tell them Big Head sent you. They’ll understand.

Marshall is very short too! Maybe that is why he is always sitting down. I like Marshall. He’s goofy.

I could stop watching Alias after the first hour, but I don’t want to. I told my wife that I wanted to watch the full two hours. She says she will hold that against me. Thanks, Alias fans. You made me a bigger geek than I already was.

Now we have fallen into a movie about mountain climbing. Mountain climbing and long non-passionate kisses. Also there is some spelunking. After all of that excitement and sarcasm, Syd found Sloane in a ice cave. Sloane was glad that Syd had come. Seems like he has been expecting her. That can’t be good.

There is a bomb in the New York subways system, designed to blow up the CIA headquarters. That one girl, you know, from Prophet 5, just killed the 12 heads of Prophet 5. Syd just got trapped in a cave in. Hooray for action!

Wait, what now? Sloane is trading the secrets to whatever it is to blow things up with missiles and cause global genocide? I’m in over my head here. I have nothing in my own personal arsenal to solve the plot at this point.

Does this KFC tub of mashed potatoes, corn, chicken, gravy, and cheese sound terrible to anybody else?

Ahhh, I knew if I waited, things would piece themselves together. Sloane plans to target to large cities and then prophet off of their reconstruction. He is also in Mongolia. I hope he isn’t trying to get to China. They have a wall. They also have SARs. Or had SARs.
They have been having Syd flashbacks this episode. Soul Asylum’s Runaway Train instantly dates anything if it playing in the background.

Question: What do you get when you take a magic spinning sphere filled with blood out of the its socket while a bigger globe of blood is floating above it?
Answer: A mess.

You know what pisses Syd off? Shooting her father. A word to the wise, you probably don’t want to do that. She will shoot you in the forehead.

Sloane had a partner though! Oh yeah, Sloane was the one who shot Syd’s father. That aside, his partner is Syd’s mom. I think. I only saw her once, and when I saw her she was playing midwife.

Snot is the new tear.

Syd’s mom is going to blow up Washington and London. Probably Washington, D.C. There is nothing in Washington state to blow up, except trees.

Huh. Sloane just sat up sans bullet wounds. It looks like some editor just messed up! He can’t possibly be alive again due to magic blood balls.

Syd and mommy are coming to blows on a rooftop. They just jumped through a window. That’s sort of like wrestling in Jell-O. Glass and Jell-O are pretty similar, right? Shiny.

So Sloane is immortal now, but Syd’s dad got back down to him in the cavern. He blew himself up, so Sloane would be trapped for eternity buried underground. That is awesome! A fate much worse than death.

Syd’s alive, mommy’s dead, Syd’s boyfriend is alive, big head is alive, lots of people are alive. Looks like a happy ending to me. We have flashed forward to the future where Syd and husband have another kid named after her dad.

Sark is still out there, terror continues, the game goes on. But the series is over. If only it ended on Sloane’s desperate cries. You can’t have everything though.