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Hello, readers. I’m still hoping to bring Make Me Watch TV back in some form or another. There is a lot of bad TV out there that needs a smack in the eye. Let’s hope some terrible show comes along and acts a catalyst to get this website running again.

Until then, I have a new project up an running! It’s the Blank It webcomic. Hopefully, if you like my writing here, you’ll like my writing there.

So while the dust still settles here, check out the freshly dusted comedy at Blank It. And I’ll try and do something about the conditions here.

And to everyone leaving comments, you are totally wrong about One Tree Hill.

Bones: Woman at the Airport

How could you possibly choose Bones over a show called Your Mama Don’t Dance? I mean, sure, they could have taken a note from their poor grammar and switched the “you” with a “yo.” Would that have made it more appealing to your voting sensibilities? Dammit, I hate Bones.

With my prejudice squarely in place, let us continue. Bones has a problem with her current project. The skull has been tampered with through plastic surgery. How, oh how, will she be able to tell who it is now? I predict she’ll figure it out in 45 minutes.

Bones is LA. Right now, they are showing us the hard bodies out by a pool. These will be contrasted with Bones who is still wearing all her clothes. Why the hell are they even talking by the pool? That was a stretch directors and/or writers.

For being a scientist, Bones isn’t very scientific. Her false analogies and emotionally-charged rants against plastic surgery are not those of a scientific mind. Comparisons to foot-binding and calling it barbaric? Again, good job writers. Directors, you’re safe here.

They think mystery skull is a call girl. I mean, escort. Sorry, hooker. A hooker.

There is a sub-plot about coming up with the history of an ancient skeleton. While this is more interesting, it bores me. Why is this show still on?

The fake technology this show uses bugs me. They make no attempts to keep this show grounded in reality, even though all the evidence they use is a basic as you can get. Plain old bones. I blame the…creators?

Bones is on a show with Penny Marshall. Bones wrote a book, and Penny Marshall is directing it. Oh lordy, she talked about her brother, Gary. If they are apart, they can’t help but talk about each other.

Also, Bones talked coldly and scientifically about a space-time paradox. So is she acting supposed to be acting like a scientist or not?

Bones and FBI guy keep going to different plastic surgeons, which gives Bones more of a chance to rant for no reason. I’m glad I get to watch an hour of someone’s, so far, baseless opinion.

The found some special tools a specific plastic surgeon used. Then Bones used them on clay to figure out what their marks would look like on bone. Like a saw to make a specific puncture wound. You shouldn’t look so frustrated by that, Bones. It was pretty obvious to me that it wouldn’t be the right one.

So the real murderer was another escort. Sigh. I didn’t think I’d go way from this show hating it more. Everyone involved should be ashamed.

Lost: The Other Woman

Lost! Let’s start.

We start with a flash-forward from Juliet. Psych! It’s a flash-back from when Juliet arrived on the island. Man, you should have seen your face. J.J. Abrams got you so bad!

Back in the present, the boat people disappear into the woods so Juliet goes out to look for her. Juliet finds her therapist in the woods, who isn’t a weird ghost. She warns that the boat people are going to release gas on the island to kill everyone.

Also, there are whispers everywhere in the woods. Doesn’t Walt usually accompany those whispers? Or, you know, death?

In the past, Juliet treats the therapist’s husband for a chemical burn. Who, on a messed up island, isn’t going to make a little meth?

The Tempest is the Dharma station that powers the island. It will also release poison gas to the whole island. The power is really just a bonus alongside killing everyone.

Kate was stupid, and the boat people smacked her over the head. Kate should change her name to Liability.

Juliet has been sleeping with the therapist’s husband. Which is a no-no, because it seems she was brought to the island to save babies and Ben. Not to save Ben. For Ben. Like a mail order bride.

Therapist’s husband was one of the Others who infiltrated the tale end folks. Which means he is good and dead. Or at least dead. “Good” was an assumption on my part. Apart from the affair, I don’t have anything else to judge his character by. Maybe he fixed cleft pallets in his off time.

Ben and Locke are really bonding. Not sarcastically. Ben is showing Locke the man who wants to find and exploit the island. Locke wouldn’t want that. Let’s see if the dynamics change again.

After some tense moments, it turns out the boat people hired by the evil man were trying to stop the evil gas from going and killing. The gas isn’t really evil, I suppose. Gas is gas. Unless it silent.

The last show is Ben walking around. He must have told Locke something good. That was an alright episode of Lost. I wasn’t thrilled, but I wasn’t spectacularly let down.

Men in Trees: Sonta in Three Parts

Without my knowledge or assistance, Men in Trees has continued to exist. In fact, it has a following of rabid fans. Who knew? Let’s watch and see if Whatsername and Whosits still have a confusing relationship filled with sexual tension.

Whosits, by name of Jack, assumedly drown at sea lat week. Whatsername, name of Marin, will find ways to cope. Since she probably still likes him. I haven’t watched the show in a long time, but I assume that’s the case.

Also, Marin has a half-naked man in her kitchen. The top half-naked. This is broadcast television, after all. She is trying to keep him healthy. He looks about 20 years younger than her. I’m going to assume he’s her uncle.

Some folks named Sara and Eric are main characters. I don’t know their deal, aside from Sara liking to sleep in and Eric liking to pray. It probably goes a little deeper than that. Oh, Sara works at a diner and Eric is a Bible study group. Well, one character deepened. A little.

Oh no, bar characters. I don’t have the mental capacity to keep track of all of these people. I’m sticking two the main four. Which is easy. Because one of them might not be an issue any longer.

Jack was tracking whales when his ship went down, which reminds me of Voyage of the Mimi. That was a barely educational show I was force to watch in middle school. Hey, maybe that’s where this forced TV watching stems from.

Coast Guard found a piece of life raft, so they’re calling off the search for Jack. By the way, the piece didn’t have Jack on it. That’s a crucial bit of information. The nameless (to me) characters in the bar look sad.

Everyone in town is coping in a different way. Watching old movies, listening to old records, putting old people in homes. To each their own.

Hold on, one of the nameless hordes had been struck by lightening. They say once you’re struck by lightening, your odds of getting struck again go up. Which is nonsense. Sure, people who get struck by lightening tend to do things that get them struck by lightening. So their odds are above average. But getting struck doesn’t raise your odds.

Marin is doing a lot of looking inwards. And outwards. Reminders of Whosits everywhere. Outward. And inward. But it’s hard to show inward without outward. And it’s hard to show your emotions outwardly without the inward part. It’s a circle of emotion.

There’s a in-no-way-veiled metaphor about sonatas in effect. Each story has three parts, like a sonata. There you go. The nonexistent veil has been lifted. Which means it hasn’t been lifted.

Eric has a parishioner with troubles crashing his home, which doesn’t make Sara happy. This plot point is boring and will not be brought up, by me, again.

Not even one episode goes by and Jack is back. I’m hoping it’s Marin’s imagination and we’re going to have to deal with some deeper issues. We’ll see, after this commercial break.

Jack got picked up by a Russian freighter, or he didn’t if this is Marin’s insanity. I will now pretend that Jack is a ghost, from now on. A gruff and grumbly ghost.

Everyone else can see the ghost too. I will pretend that they are humoring Marin.

Half-naked man needs new kidneys, and he’s lying about it to his niece, Marin. Will uncles never learn?

Marin is making it with a ghost now. In a truck. I don’t understand how he can walk through walls but still touch physical objects. Pfft, ghosts.

So there you have it, rabid fans. No in depth analysis. No attention to detail. No pulled punches. It wasn’t a terrible show, but I can’t see myself watching week after week. You know, on purpose.

Oh, and Marin is moving in with a ghost.

Big Brother: ‘Til Death Do You Part - 03/04/08

When the voting is tied, Aric gets to choose. Time for some outrageous Big Brother action.

It’s no use describing the character in the house to you. Just understand that they’re all hate each other, and they’re all very shallow. Like a house full of emotionally vacant hornets. Again with my hornet analogies. Okay, a house full of emotionally vacant shoes.

The teams in the Big Brother house are supposedly perfect matches. So far, there have been zero love connections. Even though the…oh, what’s the classy way to say this…sluts really want to make a “connection.” Sluts are classy now, right?

There are couples “on the block” to be kicked out of the house. Today, they can save themselves by winning a veto. They call it the “golden power” of veto. Yes yes, “golden shower” is the easy joke here. Very good, I’m proud of you.

For the veto competition, they dress up like cupids attached to a pulley system an yell at each other. Did I say yelling? I meant yelling in high pitched hysterics.

Hold on. “Her brain works in an honest way,” was said in regards to someone solving a puzzle. That would only make less sense if it was said about someone in a swimming competition.

The main slut-VS-I’m-just-not-into-you team came off the block. Which is kind of lame, because the team left “on the block” stirs up a lot of trouble. And why would I watch this if it weren’t for all the trouble being caused? I don’t want to watch a lot of nice people make nice.

Slut was searching for I’m Just Not Into You like the Terminator. She is nuts. Oddly enough, I’m Just Not Into You was making out with someone else. Ahhh, this show is great. The people are all nuts.

Slut and I’m Just Not Into You did hook up earlier in the game. Which is why Slut is being led on. I’m Just Not Into You call her his “boy.” IJNIY is so condescending towards Slut. And he keeps putting her down. But she keeps saying he’s her soulmate. That’s amazing. It’s like giving facts to a Creationist.

Now there is a siren threatening to change everything in the house. If it goes off, everyone needs to gather into the living room for a drastic announcement. It will probably go off during tomorrow’s episode and change everything in the game. With only a handful of couples left in the house, they need some twist to extend the game for another two months.

That’s about it for the day. See you tomorrow for, what looks like, Men in Trees. Where did all these Men in Trees fans come from?

Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles - Vick’s Chip

Wow. You guys didn’t vote for Billy Graham like I thought you would. Instead, we are stuck, again, with Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles. Fox is promoting this as a two hour season finale. Then why does it have two episode names, Fox? You can’t fool me. I’m watching only one terrible hour of television, not two. Nice try.

We open on a snow globe held by a futuristic robot dressed as an FBI agent. He quickly dispatched a high school principal. Well, heck. This is what was missing last episode. And by “this,” I mean “anything interesting whatsoever, especially having to do with robots.”

Did you know that Edward Furlong, to original John Connor, turned into a terrible actor? It’s true! Check him out in Intermedio. You will also see, in Intermedio, an actor named Paul Cram. He is auditioning for the same commercial as me on Wednesday. So, really, it is just like I was in a movie with Edward Furlong. Right?

River, or whatever the female robot’s name is, kept an evil robot brain from the future. It looks like a flashing light that you put on your bike while riding at night. Futuristic! The “brain” came from a robot that was married. It was undercover, like a sleeper cell. I suppose that means my wife is a robot. Dammit. It was nice knowing you all.

The robot was married to a city planner, or something. Robots love plans.

John Connor sure is emo. Do you think he cries while listening to Bright Eyes? Also, the fake FBI robot sure likes shoving people against walls. It’s a bonus if it kills them. Not everything is a bonus.

Vick, the evil robot brain and also an asshole who fights dogs, not a bad story element. We’re watching his memories while the Connor Crew…sorry…Konner Krew tries to solve the mystery that is Vick. It’s not a bad story telling device.

Oh boy, the FBI robot and the River robot are headed for a showdown. But that probably won’t happen until the next episode. Dang. Drat. Tarnation.

The show contains a massive amount of sitting around, talking, and wearing black. Where are we, the 1950s bohemian hedonist movment?

While trying to spread a virus in city hall to shut down what the Vick brain was trying so hard to set up, Sarah Connor and future dude also wearing black failed. Then they were chased down secret tunnels by cops who were easily subdued. That was almost action. The drums tried to tell me yes, but I say no.

Vick’s brain used John Connor’s Blackberry to try and call out his location. Too bad there wasn’t another one of those Blackberry outages at that time.

Now River-bot’s brain is out and accessing a traffic light to save the world. This destroyed some program and caused a lot of traffic congestion. Even on the freeway, where there are no traffic lights. Good one, TV show editors.

This Terminator hour was better than last week’s Terminator. It still wasn’t great. And that’s enough of “television’s most driven series.”

The Price Is Right Million Dollar Spectacular

I’m 28 years old, married, and I work 40 hours a week. But here I am, being forced to watch The Price Is Right Million Dollar Spectacular in primetime. This Make Me Watch TV thing was a terrible idea.

Man, Bob Barker really let himself go. Oh, that’s Drew Carey.

I miss the older style Price is Right microphone. Well, maybe “miss” is the wrong word. But the head of this new one is menacing. Ahh, here is the old one.

Sorry, sorry. The tuxedoed gentleman on stage already started a game and here I am jabbering away about microphones.

Which of these items is the half off price? Why, the I Love Lucy doll, of course. $20 was far too little for a piece of plastic with red hair. Speaking of dolls and red hair, Raggedy Ann freaks me out. Just thought you should know.

The first contestant? A loser! They are at least as low as you can feel for being bad at guessing between two random numbers. That’s pretty low.

Someone guessed 1700, followed by a 1701, then a 1702. Game show contestants are big fat jerks.

Observation? Contestants touch game show hosts a lot. I don’t think I could handle that.

Lucky $even? You know we watch to see Plinko. This contestant won a car, with a side of shrieking. I’d love to drive a car on stage. It would be nice and surreal.

To the credit of The Price Is Right, they keep things moving. There is none of the dark and dramatic pausing of modern game shows. Those pauses need to go.

Another loser. Time to spin that big wheel. I must say, I miss tacky game show sets. And old sound effects. And Hanging with Mr. Cooper. That last phrase was a lie.

I don’t think I ever knew exactly how this show worked as a kid. Perhaps I was attracted to the bright colors. Like a moth to the Technicolor flame.

I’d update you on the plot, but there isn’t any.

There is a game called Grocery Game. Hold on a second…this show is one big advertisement! An advertisement for chili con queso sauce and cars. Remember to use those items in tandem.

A very old lady just got on stage. And what could she win? Jet skis! This show is awesome. And she just won them. Those will go to good use. IN HER GRAVE!

I think Drew Cary just swore. A contestant said hi to their friends, family, and beautiful kids. Pretty sure it was a remark about his wife, or perhaps feces. Can’t pretend to know what word was cut out.

By the way, we’re on to the Showcase Showdown. The announcer just said “bling.” That means rappers can no longer use the word. Once it is heard on The Price is Right, it is dead. Culturally speaking, that is.

No million dollar winner this round, but the guy in the showcase showdown was off by $54,000 dollars. He must be buying his jewelry and RVs at the wrong place.

Lost: The Constant

Lost is one of my favorite shows. I would have watched it anyway. So here this here is a bonus. Here come the spoilers.

To get off of the island, you need to go on a very specific trajectory. Even if it means flying directly into a thunderhead. Which Sayid and Desmond just did. When things went south, Desmond’s mind flashed into the future. Or the past. Then back. Then he didn’t know who Sayid was.

This flying helicopter (oh yeah, they were on a helicopter) left the island a day ago. But really they’re only 20 minutes out. Time is really messed up on the island. Or better than ever.

Surprisingly, there is an actual boat the helicopter got to it. It seems like a time wall fried Desmond’s brain, which happens to everyone now and again. He is on the boat saying he doesn’t know Sayid. And now he’s in a military campy. He’s jumping through time more than Billy Pilgrim.

Now Desmond is in a sick bay with someone suffering the same way he has. You see, some people get a little messed up when coming from and going to the island. I blame Einstein. Or Stephen Hawking. Desmond thinks it’s 1996.

Some mathy guy on the island figured Desmond is going into the past on his flashes. He gave him orders to get on a train and find him. In the past. Also, the doctor in the sick bay flipped an alarm and it took about 10 minutes for anyone to respond on the small boat. I mean, I’m lazy. But that’s really lazy.

Mathy guy seems a little Charlie Manson in the past. In the past, as an Oxford professor, he is trying to send rats through time to run races. Or run away from Rat Race. Either is a noble pursuit.

Penny, Hanso, the Black Rock. We’re getting a lot of mythology in our episode today. I forgot about most of these things. Except for Penny. Desmond won’t shut up about her.

Desmond needs a constant in his lives if he doesn’t want to have a brain aneurysm. He is broken up with Penny in the past, but needs her number so he can call her in the future. That’ll fix his brain up proper. Penny knows about the island and she has been searching for Desmond. Then they had a sweet and darling conversation before the phone batteries went dead.

A pretty good episode by my account. A lot of information about time and mysteries on the island. Hooray for Lost.

Make Me Watch TV © 2008 Aric McKeown. All rights reserved. I am not responsible for the content of external sites.

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